Pressure and stage performance. Too much pressure.

So this heavy weight has been hanging over me for months. The pressure to dance the pressure to get better, In on mental health workers words “You just need to write suicide on a piece of paper and throw it in the bin” – Problem f**king solved, that worker is a genius where did he learn such amazing skills? (sarcastic) I hung up and said yeh I’ll be safe (bs) I’m completely nervous and beside myself, this is the biggest event I have ever had to compete in.

 Coincidentally alll my “friends” knew it was on and came over uninvited while I was trying to get ready others wanted me to take random recreational drugs the night before the show!!! even minutes before the show on my mobile as I was getting in the car, Now when it comes to one of the biggest shows someone ever does they need 2 days at least leading up to it to get themselves centred and focused, To rub salt in the wounds I had people telling me to pull out and just party,

Even one guy who was terribly sick (keep in mind I have been awfully sick for a month and only just got over it.) He dmanded to visit me the morning before the show I said no no no and he turned up and called saying well I am at your place now can you let me in, Im sick and on antibiotics? I was speechless, I said no I do not want to compromise my health anymore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

SO this is what happens if you start to do well in life.  People either don’t want to know you  or you get stalkers (Ones that drive past and find out everything they can about me.) Others ask when my events are on then at the exact time I need to get ready they call with an “emergency” I can see now after the show how many are now leaving me alone. Australia has a very bad tall poppy syndrome, When they see someone succeeding in they’re craft they try as hard as possible to keep you at they’re level. Even when I started Fencing there would be the same guy turning up to hang out at 7pm when my training starts at 7:30 he refuses to leave even knowing I have to go out and says things like ” oh yeh u got fencing tonight?” ” I wont be long just a cup of tea and a smoke and a chat and now it’s too darn late for me to get there, so I just end up cancelling

It’s come to a point now when I can’t tell people what I am doing in life where or when so I can have a self indulgent focusing and relaxation before big shows. I imagine a metre wide radius around me where no bad thing/words/vibes can get through it’s my only way of really doing my best and I can say friends and people got in my way every second of every day even pretending they had forgotten what I was training for and asking me to have time off to go for drives and have a beer at the pub!!!

Meet ups I setup for people to learn new tricks either dancing or tightrope walking are good because I am just one of the crowd and there is no heirachy or imagined one!!!

I really appreciate the other dancers and crowd encouragement and a few close friends that have been giving me good energy and wish me the best.

The pressure from the bad influences and the pressure to perform well are really doing a number in my head.

I just want to do what I love, It’s all I have left from the pains and problems. I am going to have to sift through my so called friends and ask some to leave my life as all they have done is make it difficult every time I have something on.

 Well there’s my lesson for you all today. Listen to the good things people say and shut the door on people who disrespect your wishes.

Follow your passions and dreams and don’t let anyone sabotage your inner power.Good friends are hard to find hold them tight.

Love and peace, 

Nightworrier.

 

Nervous. Anxiety and Panic

I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.

I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but  for a  reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.

I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.

The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.

I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.

Peace,

NW

Gonna try get some sleep.

Life goes on (Distraction)

Distraction, distraction and distraction. I can’t even remember basic stuff anymore. I don’t really have an appetite and I can’t really sleep so I’ve been playing a lot of Forza on the xbox. Nice game less killing and violence.  I’m staying calm as possible it feels like everything is too much sometimes yeah I’ve probably already stated that a few times in my blogs.

The TN is excrutiating in the morning.. So is the RRV.

Slowly getting use to the olanzapine, although I don’t think it’s working. The Valium works though  I just don’t like the fast tolerance.

I’m jus gonna keep doin ma thing n hope it all works out ok.

Peace,

NW

Painting (distraction therapy) part 2

Well this distraction have become more of an obsession. I’ve done nearly 1 oil painting each second day It focuses my mind completely. But am I just using painting like using a drug. I mean I stay up all night so I can open the turps a canvas and some sweet oil paints. It’ feels so comforting to paint I guess because I have no limits to paint things the way I see them.

Overall the painting therapy is great. I just want to fell some satisfaction in what I do or someone to say I really like your paintings. Yeah 1 person had said something good about them but they probably feel obligated to say something nice.

Well my paintings don’t scare me So I’ll be living in a colourful world of paints till I get better. I will get better folks.

Its 10 oclock at night here. I’ve had my olanzapine, and Valium.

Just still feel low, anxious and sad

Peace,

NW

Still no hope from hospital

Well last few days have been a haze of pain and depression. I needed to get help from my local hospital. I waited for a while in the waiting room got my blood pressure done. Then later had some blood taken which turned out quite difficult and it hurts when all they get it air then the pressure pulls the syringe tight again. Yeah now my arm hurts too. I know she was trying her best. Yeah that was a great 5 hours in the ‘naughty room’. Till this crisis worker from the local “crisis ” centre M strolls in. tells me were to sit and starts rambling about self harm and how I should get over it and “if you feel suicidal why haven’t I done it yet. Get over it and go home”. I think the only words I got in were ‘”Do you have any Idea what pain is?” In her semi professional* manner she looked at me for a while as to say something witty then turned away and continued to write some other more important things. As she walked back into the nurse station. I don’t know what to say. Could I really be having this bad luck or is this where mental health is?
I at least got respect and got to talk to a doctor. I got to actually say what I wanted and she listened too.

Then I was out on the street with a long walk or a meet up with my partner and get home.
Luckily the doctor called my partner he turned up.

When we got home I was miserable to say the least. My partner made me pancakes n played dice with me, I took a bunch of Valium. Kept my cool n wake up I’m pretty hung over from the diazepam but ya get that. Least I’m kinda sane, Hearing from a friend today lifted me as well. I wish he was happier too.
So I’m writing this down because I need to get it all out.

Peace,

NW

*( I’m really not sure if she is even a psychologist le alone have any training or researches any of her work.)

Finally some relief

Well yeaterday I’d had enough of the pain. I’d barely slept and couldn’t realx for more then five minutes. I’ve really had it with this TN s**t. It’s caused me to cut and do all kinds of f**ked up stuff. I’ve haven’t exactlty been the greatest girlfriend one could have.

Today I saw the Doc she could clearly see how it was wearing me down and I needed something stronger for the pain so she prescribed me Oxycontin Which I had just a few days ago it worked amazingly. I think I’m finally getting some relief and this is the next day. my mood is a bit brighter too.

I think I’ll finally get some sleep and eat properly again. I hope the TN doesn’t last much longer.

I’m gonna see a dentist and see if its a tooth thats causing the problem. A good Idea the Doc had.

Peace,

NW

Jeebus, it’s never ending

So I wake up at 6am again Throwing my guts up. I think it’s just nerves for the coming day.

Well amazingly.  I woke up after a few!!! benzo and a beer. Yeah I’ve lived through more then that. I can’t really eplain the pain and turmoil I’m in at the moment. The physical things like my back and spained ankle are really getting to me.Not to mention the excruciating pain of the TN The world just seems so overwhelming right now.

After a night of benzos for sleep and Tramadol for pain. I wake up in the same emotional and physical pain I went to sleep with. it seems never ending.

I’m still trying to pace myself a day at a time.

It’s unfortunate my partner can’t see/understand my pain. It would make life so much easier. I can’t say I truely understand his either.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Peace,

NW

One sock off (Benzo Withdrawal)

Squirming, sweating, crying, anxious again, vertigo. I can barely walk without holding myself against something. I think they expect I’ll get a whole lot better over the holidays. Without the benzo’s ……………….. I don think so. They expect me to get my meds every 3rd day. I have agoraphobia. It’s so f***ed. I called the local crisis again tried to get some help. Don’t ask me why. I need to see my doc soon I really need to.

BTW one sock off is referring to the fever that comes and goes. And the fact I only have one sock on.

Turns out this was probably Ross River Virus more then a benzo withdrawal.  But in any case my medication was ceased overnight by doctors and this was not to be expected.

Peace,

NW

Road Trip

We drove down south in hopes of doing a small job. Which turned out to be a big wild goose chase type job with a major lack of equipment. So my mood swings from being hyped up to do something outside to anxious to the max (so many bridges to cross). We drop in on a friend while we’re down there But I felt to sick to sit in a cold room talking or not talking politics. Felt sick as so went and sat in the car and watched a DVD. I sat there freakin out almost so much I couldn’t move to even get the valium. Just wasn’t handling it well. At all. I kept thinking . What are they thinking in there talking they’re probably wondering why I got sick and had to sit in the car. Ah I hate this worrying. I don’t want to be anywhere, See anything or do anything. It’s not the weather, the environment, the constrictive nature of human life. It’s everything.

So it’s the next day after squatting in a choice little house across the road from the surf beach. I wake up with a full panic attack. I reach for the Valium and last nights left over sarsparilla.

Walking backing forth for two hours didn’t make it any easier. I made a cup of teh and som mi goreng ( I love it. I think I’m addicted!!!)

But unfortunatly I just couldn’t finish it. I felt way too nervous.

After lunch I decided against the back ache and to take the dog across the road to the beach to try clear my head.

It was cold, windy and dark clouds coming but somehow I felt some relaxation. It was nice to see the lone desperate surfer trying to get some action on some nice dumping waves. Wel I mean it’s nice to see some one with passion and determination.

I walked back over the train tracks to ‘The House’ There’s still stuff in it the tennents have left behind and they drop in now and then to pick it up. I get so nervous when I meet new people. I guess thats the real reason I went to the beach. I really need to change the music on my mp3 player (same songs for 2 plus months) & I don’t even have a ‘random’ button on it. I really want to get home. Not because theres something I need or want but I really dont like being out of my comfort zone (which is about 10 metres). I noticed I’m running out of smokes but it’s not really bothering me. I have a strange feeling of not needing anything. Well It’s Monday I’m home and I’m bout to walk to the shop. My backs being a bastard but I gotta do it for therapies sake.

Peace,

NW