It’s still a fight but I will not stand down. They system is run by Mental Health nurses that direct very mentallty ill and weak to a pentacostal church, They are still getting turned down and it has become acceptable in the Southern hospitals to refuse help and give patients (even with Agoraphobia) an adress to the church they leave disheartened and helpless. I may need to step it up some more, The more info the better. I still have more paper proof to take it further.
Looking for a lawyer now who can handle this straighforward cut clean case. If you or know someone willing to help in this area please contact me.
Thanks for the years of support I was lucky enough to get here, Not from paid government mental health.
From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.
How do I start when I feel I’m at the end.
In the event I don’t publish anymore posts (without notice) Know that I tried, Know that there was no way out, know I did it to myself, Know my circumstances are different to yours (not better or worse but different.) Know I have made a difference.
Know this illness and other factors cornered me without the will to fight back.
Love and Peace,
Nightworrier
Morbid I. You know me and I thank you so much for your help. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE. just a message in case things don’t work out. lOVE nw
Things were getting out of control, I had felt I was never going to get anywhere, I’m not sure if that thought has changed yet, I won’t go into details about what I did because I don’t want any of you to get any ideas!?! OK? Right so I lost it at he world which made my partner pretty upset, I explained it wasn’t his fault I was angry but he locked himself away to get away from the chaos I was making.
Then out of no where I realized no one would care if I was gone In fact I can see them standing around saying she didn’t even leave money for the funeral etc.(I was in throbbing pain at the time as well) I Did the fastest thing I could that I knew would get me out of this dark place, My partner must have heard something and came running in, He Was very calm with me and we sat down and tried to fix things without doctors or mental health acis as I cannot rely on them to help in any way, I have asked enough times, And they have said enough times well just do it then, or you haven’t done it yet so your chances are nil. Well that is now proven to be wrong!!! I nearly completed.
I can’t express enough how important it is to find someone you can trust, In my state south Australia they do not treat suicide attempts at hospital (or anywhere) they send you straight home and back to the place in your head you were trying to escape. This probably contributes to the very high suicide rate that is not often published.
I don’t know how to ask for help next time I just hope I can hold it together for however long this hellish depression lasts.
Much love to my family, even though we always lived close being hours apart doesn’t mean I love you any less, I just never get to see you all that often, and for my friend in Canada your one promise I made with you I promise I will keep.
So I woke up yesterday after a terrible night of nightmares. Decided I’d had enough I wish there was no conflict in my family and we could all accept each other and get along. It seems that is the exact opposite. I felt like I cant pull them together and I felt very lost. Id had enough of the pain as well and cant see an end to it.
I told my psychologist how i was feeling because I have doubts yet strong feelings about suicide. I don’t know what I want or need. She understood me clearly. My therapist and I went out to talk to my partner about it but he didn’t want a bar of it. So my therapist walked me to the A & E. They treated me well there. But really failed the next day upon awakening and going into the interview with a bucket ‘o’ psychs who looked at me and asked how I felt I said I felt sh**. one of them in his PROFESSIONAL opinion said “you don’t look very suicidal” — please tell me what does a suicidal person look like. Just cos I wasn’t going nuts it doesn’t mean that wasn’t happening on the inside. I’m feeling very numb right now so don’t expect this blog to make much sense. So they said I was fit mentally all I needed was a head scan to check if a fracture was causing the TN and try me on a drug called neurontin. Call me uneducated but shouldn’t you address someones suicidal ideation before trying new drugs esp. Gabapentin. I wasn’t gonna hang around so they could fu** me over with these drugs which has a strong link with suicide (google it wiki it). I discharged myself about midday n felt nothing had been addressed. I just wanna try relax as much as possible now. Why am I like this???
Peace,
I don’t know where I wanna be It’s not like I actually want to leave the house. I hate the nightmares days full of thoughts and memories. Not any amount of benzo or horse tranquliser is gonna kill this feeling. Last night I compiled some work on the war on Iraq etc. for someone I love. I stayed up till very late getting it finished. Got up as early as possible after a sleep full of nightmares. I dreamt of those scary animals that jump out of the water trying to get me and I have a narrow slippery path I have to get past but theres nothing at the end only cliffs and big flying objects. I find this s*** quite disturbing makes me shake n sweat all day. I’m really trying to hang on. I have been havin a very bad week. My brain has any way.
Sometimes I just want out. Two days ago I locked myself in the bathroom busted a razor to get the blades out. Again my partner came in angry as. It made me wanna do it faster. He ran toward me I was so scared I threw the razor in the direction of the bin. he looked at me he was furious. I mean ya gotta understand I spose he would be but at the time it was hard for me to see. I must think before I do, but then again is that really gonna help? Maybe I should just jump. It’s times like this I wish I’d told the doctor that I’m really a suicidal. Cos I need answers I need this dark cloud and horrible feelings of betrayal, hurt and anxiousness to leave my life. I can’t deal with OCD anymore It wins yes it f**ks with my head all day like I haven’t got enough other problems theres OCD to help support the anxiety and the low self esteem should help with the panic attacks and depression.
On top of all my problems is a nasty monster that comes out at night called nightmares. It’s morning now but last night I had a nightmare that consisted f me trying to find a way to get of this planet literally (with spaceship) So people laughed at me. I got more upset and determined to leave. Knowing the average human knows nothing of passing on. I grabbed a pen and stabbed myself in the neck. the laughed again saying do you know that will take ages for you to die. so I found a place and a blade and did it quicker. Then I woke up saying “no more!!!”. I really don’t know how long I can take this. My partner made me a cup of tea and Im gonna have to have a Oxazepam 30mg to stop the shaking and the thoughts. I’m gonna skip the Dexamphetamine today. I just cant wait for the day to finish. I hopefully will be fully settled by tonight.
New night hopefully No dreams or nightmares or those dreams I wake up inside of another dream or wake up and see things everywhere.
I would love to love halloween but with all those creepy kids n Adults out there screaming n flying around like witches I don even wanna sit on the porch for a smoke.
As for going to the doc today well. I really appriciate the help and she does lift my mood a bit but. I should be able to do it myself. I just can’t. It’s one of those things. I really don’t know if it’s worth continuing ‘life’.
I was at the hospital yesterday due to injuries relating to me trying to kill myself and my partner goin to all lengths to stop. Unfortunately this is not how the hospital saw it. The councilor said it was a typical case of DV. Yeah ok so I’m depressed because my partner is trying to stop me suiciding (makes sense). I’m gonna use this ‘jounal’ of these events so people actually know what went on. Rather then the text book assumptions many professionals and others have made.
I do hope to continue to be here long enough to see the light and have the dark clouds leave.
What really upsets me the most of this whole thing is. I know it will hurt my family, partner and friends. But I’m only here to let them know I’m ok.
I will always keep my real identity private but I’m sure when time comes people will work out who I am.
Posted by NW 
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