No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤

 

Bad Morning, Confusing afternoon, Now reveiwing

I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.
Peace,
Nw

Three weeks out and theres a difference.

Well it’s been about three weeks since my hospital admission. I have written about it in my drafts but not yet published as I’m just holding them till I feel I should post it. I feel better, I think they are properly diagnosing me now and I have a psychologist now who is excellent, with my weekly meetings with my peer worker J I am keeping track of myself better. It’s very handy to have someone help walk you through the jungle. In the last three weeks I have had some ups and downs but much more controlled in myself then before hospital, Before I went in I had a lapse and hung myself unsuccessfully of course and slowly was blacking out. After I barely remembered what happened but I knew It was another very stressful moment in my life and when that happens I get very confused and lost. So I was told by the doctor in emergency what had happened all I could really remember was the strain in my neck that after 6 weeks is finally feeling better. Today was a bit difficult I was doing what my psychiatrist said but I flipped again and tried very hard not to do something bad, Sometimes I feel like the law doesn’t apply to me. Especially when I am really angry and the things that make me angry would make anyone flip out. I am in another dispute over something with the local council as they want me to get rid of my paintings on the canvas covering the front of MY house (Owned) The paintings cant even be seen unless people pull over and get out of theyre car and look in to my house the only reason the council want me to move it is because someone (in the neighbourhood and yes they did nod when i asked was it next door complaining?) who wants to remain anon wants it moved but I know it’s next door because they want more access to my house and I am sick of replacing windows or having them watching me by standing out the front of my house looking in. I now have a plan in place for when they trespass. They are rude and controlling, This is my house not they’res If they want to be able to do what I do but cant they can get over it, I have had more compliments then complaints when people see the artwork.
It gets painted over usually during special occasions, Christmas, Easter, Summer, Winter. They can either get over it or move. I am going to live the way I want in my house. the letter from the council also specified the removal of 1 white broken plastic chair from the hard rubbish corner which is about 2 by 2 metres. So I moved it 1 metre. now you cant see it if ya staring down at my house or in my property.
Some people are so persistent in trying to ruin other peoples lives. Makes me wonder if they have any time left to be nice or any heart left to be human. They definatley have too much time on they’re hands and my bet is they called the police first as they are always wasting police time. When they do something wrong they call the police straight away to say we did it, The cops must be so sick of they’re petty complaints. Well soon the council will aswell.
Many people feel the same as I on this matter and most people in the area are getting sick of theyre destruction and gossip. The old Mother next door is such an old desperate housewife. She should stop being so rude to me. Not that that will change the way I think about her.
As for everything else, I have a couple of new friends they are cool very rebellious but cool. They are really respectful and really brighten the place up when they’re here. They have only been here 2 days and already don’t like the neighbours. Every other neighbour is kind hearted and nice they say hi when they see me and are very genuine. It’s those people that make this world fine, and livable.
I’m dealing with my own problem at the moment and any sudden changes can cause me to really loose it. I really am only now really getting a grip on it and it’s not really too common but I have found another family member with a similar problem. I will talk about in the future or in my journal that’s not yet published.
I’m staying in control and I will work things though slowly, any rampages and I will see my doctor. Other then that I am skillfully planning the next few weeks. To keep things in control.
Peace,
Night Worrier

First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

The next day on mars (In the ward)

Saturday I figured it was the weekend and I hadn’t seen my Dogs or partner in days. It was better feeling then yesterday I was anxious pretty scared and I needed to get a pass out to go home for a couple hours. I picked up some clothes etc. And with the inhaler the hospital gave me I tried to quit smoking.
On Sunday I did. the. same Figuring I wasn’t going to see a doctor and 3 of the patients were scaring me quite a lot and didn’t help much at all. I went home about 4. When I got home I felt a bit strange and found it hard to ground myself, I played with the dogs and relaxed with a cup of tea, I was less edgy then.
Before I knew it it was time to go back. I got back at 8 just before they locked the doors and that means you have to talk into a intercom while being watched on camera, now if that doesn’t make you 100 times more anxious you’re either crazy or have serious anxiety issues (1 in the same) Don’t worry If you have anxiety. when I returned I saw the night nurses one of which spent time with me I got to tell him why I’m not eating. sleeping, drinking he was one of my nurses 5 years ago. He got me off the gin After a heavy 6 month drinking session. great night nurse. I thank. him. hugely. I was sad to hear he too now has chronic pain. it was good. to be honest finally maybe life has more to come for me yet. must try to sleep now. had one valium what a joke.(a drop down from 4 mg of Clonaz by the doctor in here. This must be fixed Soon. well tomorrow I will try and get it sorted out if I’m lucky enough to see a psychiatrist.)
Peace out,
NW

4th Day moved to ward Random Ward Notes.

Well its the fourth of march after two nights in ed I’m now in the ward after last weeks depression I finally bit the bullet and got admitted, I hope I return home in a better state of mind. I. really need to help my partner more, I feel so guilty for not doing chores around the home. I really do want to get better so I can go out and have dinner with him, walks in the park with or without the dogs. I have been violent. I have been so lazy and unmotivated I will make up for it big time I think he deserves so much more love and my full attention. this is my first night in here for five years and I’m really nervous and anxious. ocd and anxiety feel worse but I feel safer like a huge burden has been lifted. At least now I am safe from thoughts and have some observations, Which I find helpful as I am thinking I am dying sometimes with the Panic attacks, i think I made the right choice to agree to my doctors to come in, the waiting time in Extended care was a hell of a time but no where near as bad as what was happening in my head at home. I was so confused, Depressed, Anxious and worse of all I was skipping time… If that makes sense!!! totally out of wack I guess. Maybe they can help me a bit with my insomnia as well, big ask I know.
As much as people in here are scaring me and putting me on my toes I am at least learning to deal with it better. I am scared to sleep but if they let me have a light on I’ll be ok. So far the place has not hurt me. As much as my partner is scared of it I have always come out somewhat better.
Peace,
NW

Photo shoot, filming; Bee swam. Or a nice time to see friends.

My mate came over with his cool new cameras and did some awesome photos shoots with assistance of my dance moves. Was pretty cool. D and NW were having an awesome time then one of the spot lights that was being used seemed to be a bee attractor and I don’t mean the kind sort I mean the sort that just wants to sting and sting and so on. so we all got a sting we all sat around with ice on our hands, back etc. n a gut of penerghen which made a few people sleepy but better then a reaction I spose, Lucky for the off duty nurse who happened to be there, we continued to party for a while. I drank probably a bit much but it was helping with the confusion and depression.
Strange night all up and unfortunately not far from my complete breakdown.
I knew I wasn’t gonna last much longer I had tried for so long to hang on to something to keep me here.
Peace
NW