Not allowed

Not allowed to go out drinking

Not allowed to play my music loud.

Not allowed to drink more then 1 standard drink per leap year.

Not allowed to cut my hair shorter

I hate not allowed. I think I’ll shave my head tonight n go out drinking, then request a song to be played loud
.

Peace,

NW

New Crisis Centre

So I called up a new crisis centre number because I’ve had the black cloud for a number of days now. They didn’t make me feel bad. They talked me through a few things. Without being rude to me or judging me. I feel better then before. Thats something my old crisis line didn’t know how to do most of the time.

I’m going to have an easy night tonight just kick back with a beer n ignore any thoughts.

They made me feel a bit safer. I don’t know how just they reassured me and sometimes I really need that. Other wise im a shaking scared mess all day long.

Sorry not much to say but sometimes when you think theres no help. Have another look and see if you can find another person to talk to.

Peace,

NW

Early morning (wake up call???)

This is Bluey.

I got up early as usual went out the back to pay my respect to my first dog. At the same time our  new dog was getting in and out of the pool trying to tell me somthing. (kinda like Lassie. I walked over to find what I thought was a blue tounge  that had passed on. But to be sure I got a stick and slowly pulled him to the edge. I picked him up he was still limp he’s eyes were closed.

Then he moved his hand a tiny bit. I knew he could live. I lifted hims so he could lose all the water. Then he did the rest I held him through the morning and now he’s safe in a tank. If he is 2X as alert tommorow I’l take him to the national park where he’ll have the best chance.

My doctor told me it was a wake up call.

It made me think. <— look another four word sentence.

Peace,

NW

Earth dipping

Still here. took my meds. still feel crazy. partly cos of face pain. mostly because of life.

I had a nightmare last night consited of people on a spaceship being treated like test animals it was weird. Didn’t help the day.

OCD has come back with grunt.

I been washing everything then my hands again.

Peace,

NW

A long Day

Today seemed very long I think it’s because I woke up so early and had a lot of red cordial. I painted, I played some trumpet. Played xbox.  I listened to music. I went out. I actually felt almost normal in the shops. One of my best mates came over for a visit. He’s been a good mate for ages.

The TN seemed to leave me alone a bit which was wonderful to say the least.

It’s now at dinner time I get all nervous and anxious. Yeah I’m gonna cave in to Oxazepam. At least I might get some more sleep. Maybe less nightmares.

I feel achy from the day but I feel a bit better.

Peace,

NW

Just woke up

Well this morning I had to be literally dragged out of bed because I couldn’t move my legs. They were so painful. It’s been about 2 hours since then . I put alot of deep heat on my knees because they seemed to hurt th most.

So what to do today I’ll paint again as it’s been great for my brain. and I get a small feeling of satisfaction when I finish them.

I painted an angel I quite liked it. My friend also liked it so I gave it to her she’s cool. I’m so glad I can do things people like. I think inside my ego gets a bit of a boost when people like what I’ve done.

Peace,

NW

Life goes on (Distraction)

Distraction, distraction and distraction. I can’t even remember basic stuff anymore. I don’t really have an appetite and I can’t really sleep so I’ve been playing a lot of Forza on the xbox. Nice game less killing and violence.  I’m staying calm as possible it feels like everything is too much sometimes yeah I’ve probably already stated that a few times in my blogs.

The TN is excrutiating in the morning.. So is the RRV.

Slowly getting use to the olanzapine, although I don’t think it’s working. The Valium works though  I just don’t like the fast tolerance.

I’m jus gonna keep doin ma thing n hope it all works out ok.

Peace,

NW

More paintings

Well to keep distracted from unhelpful thoughts I got my oils out again n painted. From one canvas to the next they mainly depict the amazing things in the cosmos and animals, I think maybe best to pst them up sometime see if you like them.

As for my sanity, I’ve had a bucket o benzos and olanzapine to get to sleep but i’m to paranoid to sleep. voices are really quite disturbing. The nightmares intolerable the anxiety of fainting is at an all time high. I reall don’t want to go out right now yeah well not at 2:30 in the morning. Tossing weather to have another olanzapine.

I’m totally hating this Trigeminal Neuraligia. If anyone reads this and think they can help I’d be very thankful maybe you have TN and know a special cure. My mate has it too he seems to know the ins and outs of what to do. He’s a great guy but maybe if someone may have some trick up theyre sleeve.

Ill try to sleep again. Just feels like my motor is ideling.

Peace,

NW

Big THANKS to Julian

Olanzapine?!? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What to say about this drug I. I definetly  put it in the 17hr sleep catagory kinda like seroquel. But much more dumbing. As in no nightmares but no memory of anything in everyday thinking. So I leave this post as is just wanted to let you know. Hopefully I wake up for my early therapist.

And by the way if ya feel like gaining 5kgs a week Olanzapine is the go.

*running on spot to loose weight*

Peace,

NW

Painting (distraction therapy) part 2

Well this distraction have become more of an obsession. I’ve done nearly 1 oil painting each second day It focuses my mind completely. But am I just using painting like using a drug. I mean I stay up all night so I can open the turps a canvas and some sweet oil paints. It’ feels so comforting to paint I guess because I have no limits to paint things the way I see them.

Overall the painting therapy is great. I just want to fell some satisfaction in what I do or someone to say I really like your paintings. Yeah 1 person had said something good about them but they probably feel obligated to say something nice.

Well my paintings don’t scare me So I’ll be living in a colourful world of paints till I get better. I will get better folks.

Its 10 oclock at night here. I’ve had my olanzapine, and Valium.

Just still feel low, anxious and sad

Peace,

NW