My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

No Therapist, No help, Nobody!!!

I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤

Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.

Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.

I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.

Peace,

NightWorrier

“You should really think about moving on from dancing!” Part 1

These are the wise words from my psychologist don’t get me wrong he was helpful in almost every other aspect, saying this was just like telling an artist to throw out their brushes and move to playing professional snooker. It was completely unexpected, I am just reaching peak fitness again and he says that!!!. It’s lucky he ironically gave me coping strategies to deal with times people say things like that.

Though Dr H****s was a great doctor and I am still a bit shocked he took this so seriously, I know in his mind he knows it wasn’t for real and he knows it wasn’t him I was angry at. For the sake of truth I will scan the letter he sent me to show how rude it was. I mean the language was fine but the clear undertone and lack of letting the patient (me) have any say at all just seem totally unjust. This wasn’t an angry centerlink worker or a bus driver this was my psychologist the person who is supposed to understand my problems as they have been all laid on the table for him to see yet the only thing I see laid out in front of him is an Ipad, Which was swapped from a diary not long ago and may have acted as a barrier between us, As as soon as he started using it I would dread the next time he picked it up to me it felt like he was more interested in using the calender for the next appointment than really listening to my wishes, I had hoped he had seen more of my dance work before he judged my capacity to dance on a national level.

He sounds like he wants to show me he is doing the best for his kids and that he is a good Dad, That was already proven by the paintings on his walls. I really thought he had more smarts than that.

And especially to really leave me out in the cold, Well the proof is here I am coping well I might be drinking a bit more than I use to but we all need a break from such intense stress in our lives. I have a few really good friends getting me through this thanks FFC thanks Julian thanks M thanks Morbid and thanks to my partner for helping me through as much as humanly possible. Thanks to my family I know your thinking of me. xo

So a doctor review would be in order right? I mean one by me. I may not be able to talk to him but I can help anyone who gets him understand some things about him. The good the bad and yes the ugly.

He loves DBT!!! Without giving much understanding of my situation he wanted me to do it. I didn’t want to because I don’t believe it will suit my condition, I think it’s the latest fad Mental health phenomena like CBT some people will get help and the people it doesn’t suit will waste another six months struggling with thoughts and actions . Pushing people in the deep end has never worked in the past in mental illness and with my social phobias being in a group situation once a week is really really hard I have done much therapy 2 inpatients stay and social situations still scare me just as much. Talking eating, or just being in the same room. I feel like people judge me a lot and its not paranoia they really do, I am not very girl looking and about 50 percent of the time both genders of all ages think I am a boy, Now most of the time this doesn’t bother me (long story  but sometimes it really upsets me, Not only that I dress like I dance sometimes and because I break I dress with loose pants, sneakers and a shirt or in the eyes of a by passer someone who doesn’t care for being sexually attractive. I was hoping people would see me attractive because of my personality not my dress code and hair styles, But Even when people don’t want to judge it’s like a built-in instinct, Only the people who know me or have read this over time would have any idea what I am really like.

I better run I gotta train. I have a dance show!!! on today wish me luck, Peace and love,

Nightworrier xo

Less Than 24 Hours Ago – Suicide thoughts –

That’s how fast it came down like a tonne of bricks, I started to worry about the world about everything I realized there was no point to my existence, Am I here to just churn out works occasionally hitting a winner. It doesn’t seem important enough with whats going on with the world.  It surely doesn’t change the corrupt system we live in.  So I thought about it some more until 6 this morning. I considered hanging, ODing, Just walking until I couldn’t go any further. I had considered slashing but it is really hard for me and I didn’t want to leave a mess. I couldn’t think of anything else all night.

Then finally I went to bed I somehow knew I would wake up in 2 hours. I even put it on my fb page. So when I wok up at 8 I didn’t really have a different perspective on things but People around me needed me or needed to use me. Either way I always do what they say. I tried to say no to people a while ago but it was just to difficult. I get treated like a fool for my kindness.

I decided to spend the part of the day that I had to myself in the garden and moving rocks to make a rock wall. (Guess I shoulda been building bridges) Ahh just another thought. I have a bridge near me. I have known this fact for a long time and have thought of it many times.

So I didn’t act on any of the thoughts but more then the will of wanting to live it was circumstance that I was bound to stay. It’s hard to do it with someone around unless you can be angry at them and if it isn’t justified then you just end up feeling worse. Sometimes pain makes you want people to hate you so it’s easier to leave. They don’t see life is so unbearable because they see a different me they see A person who is content with life and has anything they want if they try… Well how about this, I don’t want anything anymore I don’t want to try. Actually I lie I want my family and friends to have a beautiful life full of enchanting things that keep them happy. That’s all, I don’t want to dance I don’t want to draw, I don’t like my things, I forget to smoke because I find myself in a four hour stupor of staring mindlessly. Saves money but also shows I am not normal anymore and I don’t mean normal in the casual sense I mean I am forgetting thing that normally should be natural to anyone. If something is hot and I know it and have been told half an hour later I will go back and burn myself again.

I have a friend I consider a very nice ( a little out there, Scares people away/some antisocial issues) but I love him as a friend,  but he is kind of simple and takes a lot of time to do anything Yet he holds down a job, I believe even though I am his only friend I will jump when I’m told to he really takes advantage of having a friend he can count on. If there was a heir achy he’d be up top and have me on the bottom rung. I wish I could enjoy things like he can, He finds out the simplest general knowledge fact and he will be talking excitedly about it for a week,  during that time I may have researched it to death and fallen asleep in 6 hours further reading in a pile of books that lead to obscurities that may have had something to do with the subject in the first place and I still don’t get a kick from it anymore.  It all just doesn’t feel right.

Either way I am not going to guess when and how to stop this feeling it’s a slippery slope as most of you reading know.

I need to sleep now, Do you think the opiates will let that happen? No is the answer for the slight uneducated, After this long sleep doesn’t happen when you want you either fall asleep for 5 minutes or stay up for 3 days. And the doctors wonder why I beg for sleeping tablets. They just wanna dumb me down with ‘Seroquel’ (Side effects include, feeling dumb and knowing there’s a better world, tardive dikinisis pseudo Parkinson, Weight gain, fatigue 1 tablet days of drowsiness and apathy, and many other much worse things ) All the ones I named are side effects I get and it doesn’t do much for the happiness that’s supposed to just exist in the human body.

I wish you all a good night don’t feel bad about the world it’s too much for one, Maybe tomorrow will be different be better and we will all feel safe here on this ever changing planet.

Love you all, Bless you,Salam,

Night Worrier xo

Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤

 

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.

Change is Never Easy

Berrocca, chamomile, running, walking, skipping, dancing, Meditating, Yoga, Chanting, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, My fitness has gone down significantly.  This is quite distressing. I am trying to motivate myself but my thoughts are not letting me enjoy a moment. Partly because of the lack of food since – well this is a bad run of months Sept to Jan 1st. Forgetting Tablets, Sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I’m sure that can’t be helping.

Every time Change comes I run and hide. The only change I wouldn’t find to scary is to be put in a situation where I am needed. I don’t mean (spare parts*).

The issues with my family have been long standing and aren’t likely to cool anytime soon, Especially with the latest feud. I stand strong with my Little Brother he has made a life for him self in Japan. He is getting married there and working, Even a loving family. I am so very happy for him.

On the other hand I will miss him because it will be so long before I see hm again and life is unpredictable, I can defiantly say that for myself. So I will be happy in my heart he is doing what he desires and deserves.

It’s a pity I can’t say the same for the others in the family, Who have even been as rude as to not talk to my brother because he will be not only leaving the “family business” (that doesn’t include me and never will.) But as they see it he is leaving them.

My brother and I have grown up very close, very close best friends I would say. We will both miss each other until we see again.

I am afraid when he leaves I will have trouble coping with my family back here. They will expect more of me, be much more emotionally demanding, and tin all honesty I would like to say, “Look here’s my older brother who leaves >footprints of gold< If he can stop criticizing or being rude or putting up barriers to hide behind his sarcasm, He is a really good son to my Mum,  My Mum can even go to his house, I don’t think she will visit me unless I leave my partner, (That said I would leave the country as well.) My Little Brother and I have always been black sheep. In all familys we have been in – All of them. Luckily my lil bro proved them wrong and showed his independence to my family, It showed them there was more to the – kids- (referring to my brother and I)  I tried my whole life to prove myself, Music and science and sport. It all seemed overlooked or unnecessary, Maybe they thought I could make nothing of it. Now my family sis still pretty blind to the effort I put in not just to survive, but be successful and be something/someone.  I don’t expect then to come to my shows or that but I would like the same respect for what I do. Putting the trigeminal, rrv, GAD,CF, D.I.D and constant thoughts and plans of suicide to a side and I would think they would see how hard and how much heart I put into living, entertaining, caring, babysitting, local handy person (Even for neighbors that only call on my help for a snake removal, then they go back to disliking me from the rumors the neighbor spread years ago.

Finally I think the situation with them will be under control soon. eg, Hundreds of police reports, (they can’t all end up in the bin.) Regardless of they’re race and where they came from, Australian Law is just that and I welcome people to this country with open arms. I will not accept the behavior of people who don’t understand common courtesy nor are racist when they come here towards our country. eg. Arsonists, rape, discrimination, arrogance towards locals. These are all things my heart and soul stand against and I asked for mediation they have refused. I have evidence enough to get an arrest and I think it’s time to report it all to the police.

Anyone that’s stands for truth and justice will feel what I mean.

Thank you, Peace.

NW

The Show

No not a show I performed in this is the annual Royal show, Show bags, Agriculture, Wine tasting, Rides, No money, That’s the gist of it. I’m sure most towns and cities do this all over the world, It lasts a week and u can guarantee no one has money at the end, Well I went in with 20 dollars bought a six pack of Ned Kelly Red Wine and felt my experience was fulfilled. I Happened to be asked by my friend if I would go with him to volunteer for a stall. I was kinda freaked but didn’t want him to know, I agreed to meet him there and sit in the stall selling show bags, By the time we got there it was already 45 mins late and yes there were a lot of people. I had my Clonazepam in my bag weather I was gonna take it or not was irrelevant I just needed to know it was there.

My old School friend walked by my side till the fire works which was a really good thing to see. I relaxed and enjoyed the few moments of coloured sky. I imagined It was in my backyard and I felt ok about the crowd at that point, After that My friend and I skulled our Coopers and had a good sword fight. These are the moments I live for, I really don’t get the career thing and I wish I did so I could appreciate these things more, But as long as everyone around me calls me a poor /slow girl it’s really hard to build a self esteem from nothing.

Thank you my friend for holding my hand in the tough times.

I enjoyed being with a person who didn’t see me as a light headed empty capsule shaped like a human.

Peace, Love,

NW