First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

Waiting for Scripts can be Painful

Well yesterday was a shocker I started the day by going to the shop with my friend I then went to get my script for the new medication I’m on. They said sorry we will have to order it and it will take till Monday. Very sorry.  So yes thanks I called around all the pharmacies as did my local chemist and doctor. We soon found that no chemist in my city had what I was looking for. Everyone was shocked.  I went home disappointed, anxious and in withdrawals. I didn’t know what to do I knew hospital was an option but I wanted to make it through. My friend started brainstorming and listed off a few ideas. hospital, a doc appointment see if he can help. So I made an appointment to see my GP.

I can’t believe its not broken!!! I can’t believe this at all. When I was at home waiting for my appointment I had a rather unusual accident which included some kind of knee cartilage damage. When it happened I fell down and screamed so loud The pain was like being shot in the knee then having it set on fire and over and over again. I tried to stop screaming but it was one of those times when ya get delirious with pain (Timing hey?) I eventually came to and couldn’t walk. I wondered how bad it was how long was it going to continue? Well today I’m walking but I cant bend my knee very far without pain so maybe it’ll get better if I just rest a while.

So My mate drove me to my local doctors at 4pm shaking and sick from W/ds. The doc was at a loss but did write a letter for me to go to the hospital and get as close a medication as they could find. I found this to be a good idea and (eventually) ran with it at 5 in the morning. He looked at my knee and said I was fine. My mind was replaying the incident and “ït looks alright, you’ll be fine” didn’t really fit but time will tell.

I arrived at the emergency department. They didn’t seem to be at all concernend about the withdrawals more the pain I was having. I was worried about both especially after my doc said when the W/D starts to be a problem go in. So while I was waiting an hour or so watching old Malcolm maclaren clips in the waiting room to distract myself. They called me in about 7 and gave me a bed to whinge on but I found it much more soothing. I was treated rather well but not given anything for pain relief until 8:30 which came in the form of a script. the doc told me to go to the hospital chemist and get it filled. Oops it’s sunday I finally located the chemist in the hospital and it was closed!!! agh another wall.

At 10 oclock am  on my way home I picked up my script which unforunatly isn’t the medication I’m currently on but it’s similar  and an 8 mg tablet of my new med. these are supposed to get me through till tomorrow. Hope so. At least by tomorrow my chemist will have got the packet they ordered for me (I hope).

I’m shocked again at the little problems that seem to get in the way constantly but I am coping well and dealing with everything one at a time.

Much less overall pain today. Thanks Chemist, Docs, Nurses for all the help. Even if it took all day and night.

Peace,

NW

Peace,

NW

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to ba calling my pain doc in the morning to hear the good news that I will be switching medication due to alot of reasons. Basically the patches are not working well with me anymore well I must say that they only worked well half the time and I think anything has got to be better then that even if only a short time till we find something new. Today has been dreadful for me. I woke up anxious and stayed that way throughout the day almost unable to speak or do anything. So I don’t know where this is going but I’m very glad I have a benzo to fall back on. I have not been eating well. Probably drinking too much and smoking. I’ve also been working out and dancing so I feel very run down. I guess that would attribute to the feeling I have right now. Why do I feel sad during the day??? Every day. I think I don’t like the world very much right now. The telescope has been far the flavour. It gives me what nothing else can an enormous feeling of space and and a connection with the vast emptiness between beautiful things.
As for now I must remain seated and quiet until I figure out my future. I am quite worried about it at the moment. In one aspect. I am getting better at being in public in another I am falling apart with everything else. I don’t know how I still smile. well. I smile to show confidence. There is another thing I am enjoying right now well. I am tolerating is music or dead silence. I don’t want to hear another complaint or news or anything!!! Can everyone just get along. Be honest and live well. Where am I? I hope I find out tomorrow. The suspense is killing me. Another page closer.
Love you
Peace,
NW

Painting (distraction therapy) part 2

Well this distraction have become more of an obsession. I’ve done nearly 1 oil painting each second day It focuses my mind completely. But am I just using painting like using a drug. I mean I stay up all night so I can open the turps a canvas and some sweet oil paints. It’ feels so comforting to paint I guess because I have no limits to paint things the way I see them.

Overall the painting therapy is great. I just want to fell some satisfaction in what I do or someone to say I really like your paintings. Yeah 1 person had said something good about them but they probably feel obligated to say something nice.

Well my paintings don’t scare me So I’ll be living in a colourful world of paints till I get better. I will get better folks.

Its 10 oclock at night here. I’ve had my olanzapine, and Valium.

Just still feel low, anxious and sad

Peace,

NW

What a day!!!

Last night I put myself to sleep with my last olanzapine tablet and a few valium and promithezine. Stayed awake till about 4 o’clock a.m.  I woke up at 5pm in the afternoon so I feel like I skipped  day. I feel like im in a mental straight jacket. Not that thats a bad thing. It’s the only way at this stage.

So now it’s 9:47 pm. I had 2 cigarettes and a glass of milk. I’ve had nothing but racing thoughts since I woke up but don’t have any energy to do anything. Like I said before thats not such a bad thing. I think the olanzapine is enough to keep my mind distracted and very numb which is great.  I don’t want it to ever wear off.

Side of my face is really pissing me off. I just can’t predict the pain and when it attacks once it’s like a door open for more and more attacks so could be going on and on which is when I really lose it and want to jump or shoot myself.

I just filled out the letter from the pain management clinic. So I should be looking forward to some professionals looking at it. I’m really surprised they sent the letter so quick. It almost makes me happy. (I was expecting months.)

Maybe if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll finish an oil painting I keep putting off.that should lift my mood a bit or at least push the bad ones away. I might post my painting when it’s finished. I wonder if ya can upload videos. I’d like to turn it into a time lapse. theres something that will distract me well for hours on end.

When the hospital last discharged me they said they’d call me for a follow up to see how I’m going well they always say that. guess what they didn’t check again. Are they really that slack or what. Unbelievable how far the mental health system in Australia hasn’t come. Only people who are passionate about they’re jobs should be in mental health.

Peace,

NW

Back out of the Aquarium (hospital)

Two nights ago I had such bad kidney/back pain. I took as much painkiller as I figured to be max dose I really didn’t want to go back considering I’ve visited so many times this year.
But it got to the point I asked my partner if he could drive me to hospital. He agreed. Apart from the fact he could see my pain.I wasn’t in the mood for screaming and wailing through pain and I wasn’t ready to take more pain killers. I was also pretty anxious to know why the pain was caused.
I stumbled/crawled into Accident and emergency. Having already had a 60mg Oxycontin, 50mg Valium and some sleeping pill so i could pass out somewhere in pain.
I made my way to the triage desk almost but found a great school chair next to desk. After only 15 mins or so I heard a voice.’ So whats the problem?’ I looked up and they put me on a bed. (wasnt that much more comfortable) I explained it as best I could quite clearly under the influence of the previous drugs I had taken. I pointed to where it was hurting and they pretty quickly gave me some thing for the pain – but no scans, no ‘does this hurt?’ nothing. So at least now i know theres probably nothing too wrong. I think I slept like 15 solid hours. I was still in pain when I woke up in emergency. They moved me to a small ward. Where when i woke up I had to explain to a psychiatrist Why I took so many pills. To cut a long story short he detained me for 24 hours because Apparently I can’t make decisions by myself. Man did that piss me off. I just wanted to get the hell out. Another patient in there he calmed me down even manage to catch me as I tried to slip away from the security guard and nurse while we were out for a smoke. He was quick. But it all turned out for the better anyway.
I spoke to a psychiatrist in the next morning who was very understanding. He basically said If ya know ya losin it see the doctor, call the crisis line or come here. So After all that I finally got discharged. Wooooooooooooooooooo freedom.

eh I forgot whats freedom.

Peace,

NW