Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤

 

Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo

Hard Day

This day and night has been longer and harder then expected.  I have been thinking about my dog I have been missing since he passed on in 05.  I can’t help but feel all the feelings I felt on the day at least not so strong but I still miss him alot. Lil Blue pup has been comforting me all day. I have had a tonne of friends over. They always lift my spirits. They have all gone home now and it’s 2 in the morning. I actually really like to be alone. More time for freedom and time to think. At the moment all I can think about is Brusey boy.

Might sound like a cop out but I think I’ll be taking seroquel to sleep a bit tonight. I am still taking the stuff quite frequently to help deal with my problems. I have dealt with them all I can in the real world. Now all I have is thoughts. Not just thoughts but useless/ irrational/ scary and weird thoughts I’d rather not get into. It’s so easy for people to just tell me to think straight all the time and – Don’t do anything stupid -. I saw my psychiatrist couple of days ago and he asked if I had done anything in haste or had any “Accidents” lately while he was away. I swiftly answered ‘no!!!’. I guess I was just worried about his reaction. Plus I had signed a contract with him stating I will not do anything like that.

I sprained my ankle yesterday!!! I can’t believe it. Not again. I was just getting so good and strong. When it happened I sat for a moment in pain but it wasn’t the physical pain that broke me it was thinking about taking the next 6 weeks off dancing again. The embarressment of doing it again. The dreams that constantly come so close to brush by only to fade away. I am so sick of injuries. It was a stupid injury too. I was running through the crew’s bedroom and misjudged my footing and rolled my foot off the corner of a mattress. Ahhhhh. I don’t want to even walk now. My smile is very strained now aswell.

I would like to wake up soon and not feel like Im as weak as a twig mentally. I need to find a way to strengthen myself in the head. Ya know?

Well I needed to air some stuff and now I have I’m feeling a bit better. Off to have my shower then bed and an episode of Bear Grylls to cheer me up and remind me of great challenges that don’t involve red tape.  Every time I watch it I want to sneak out and escape to the wild. Free from everything (Including TN).

Peace,

NW

Love u Bruse xoxoxo

Pups are growing up (4 weeks, 5 days)

Well every day they eat more they make a lot more mess and It takes more hours of cleaning. After it all they sit there and look at me some come over to me and yelp to be picked up. When I look at them I see such sweet little critters. I can only hope they go to really good homes. Some are lucky enough to already have homes but there are a couple left.

I have become pretty attached to them over the weeks. It’s impossible not to. They have nick names. mainly so I can tell who has eaten, keep an eye on weights. There’s Nudge, Pattie, Sootie, Princess, Bluey and Ziggy. I don’t think they know I have nicks for them. Well Pattie the runt comes when you call anything really. They all have little personalities.  Nudge likes to be a big strong boy and play fight, Ziggy is a escape artist (cartons,enclosed areas, blocked rooms), Bluey likes to contemplate sitting staring away into her thoughts, Princess cuddles and wants affection(which is duely given).  Sootie is also a big strong boy and likes to hang out with Nudge.

As for Mum And Dad, Dad(Dave) likes to lick their hair into cool mowhawks and most of the time keep his distance. many times the pups have ganged up on him and he has run out of the room. Mum(Bonny) is a really good Mother she checks on them all the time but really now only looks at them when she has to now they are so mobile. The bigger dogs get swamped by them sometimes.

Well that was my decent excuse to do a write up on the dogs and pups. They rock my world!!!.

Peace,

NW

The Puppies

So It’s been nearly 3 weeks since Bonny had her puppies. They are doing awesome. 2 days agot hey all opened they’re eyes. and now they’re walking , growling, fighting, barking. They are all immensely cute. Bonny Is a fantastic mother. She is so young and she is so responsible. I won’t let her have another litter…. for a while at least. She have to have her own yard 5 weeks of the year. Doesn’t mean I will be spending any less time with her. She’s my best friend. She follows me everywhere and always keeps me alive. She watches me paint and dance, Even write entries. She says Hi.

This is a pic of one of the big ones Nicknamed “Sooty” kissing the ” little one” I think they are very sweet. Just makes my heart melt.

Soot and 'Lil One' kissing

Everyday I look for people looking for Australian Cattle dogs. I have a few buyers so far. And yes I was going to probably give them away. After looking after them so carefully and making sure they are healthy and see a vet. I will charge a small amount for them.  I imagine once they are old enough all the ACD freaks will come out looking for them.

Well that’s my puppy update. I’ll make a more lengthy one when they’re older and show they’re growth stages. from grumbling little first day fur balls to little 6 week terrors. It’s been a great journey with them so far. Maybe some lack of sleep sometimes but always worth it.

Peace out,

NW

XO

Opiate withdrawals (terrible reaction)

A day at the beach and a night in hospital. What happened? My 50 microgram patch kept falling off so I covered it with medical tape which I found absolutley useless. Still kept falling off so I wasn’t getting the dose of Fentanyl I should’ve had. I left the beach and got home but not in time to go to the chemist to get my refill. I’m not allowed to take any other opiates.

Later that night or should I say 3 in the morning I was feeling awful my heart felt really strained and I was in a right mess squirming around on the floor, It wasn’t the pain so much that was bothering me but the absolute hell of trying to crawl out of my skin. By 4 am I was getting worse and couldn’t stand up.

By then my partner was asking if he could call the ambulance. I let him an it seemed like a lifetime for them to show up but it was probably only 10 minutes. Every second was like a new hell. I couldn’t work out for the life of me what was wrong. I have been pretty stressed latley though. When the ambos came inside they wanted to take my blood  but i was still a absolute mess and couldnt stay still. So I summond all the strength I had to stay still as for 5 seconds so the ambo could stick the needle in.

When I was in the ambulance the put 3 seat belts across me and tryed to keep me still but I managed to kick the sheet off of me.  So the ambo undid one of the straps for me. I think either that or broke it ( i really doubt that though).

At the hospital I still couldn’t stay still they tried to put heart stickers on but i was still a mess I could not stay still. They kept asking me simple questions when  I was so confusd even tho its my local hospital I couldnt belive it was it just didnt seem the same. The only question I knew for sure was that it was 2009 and I was pretty pleased I had the right answer.

The doctor thought it must of been Fentanyl withdrawals which I now know as a very nasty withdrawal to go through. When I calmed down I really passed out I was constantly awoken by the nurses and doctors shaking me and saying my name very loud (which also scared me) for tests or xrays .

Needless to say I’m back on the patch and it took about 6 -8 hours to take effect. My face and body are so much better.

In the future I will get my script on time and not ever let this happen again.

Peace,

NW

Where is she?

My last admission to a psych ward I had a room mate we got along great. We always went out for smokos and talks. We painted and drew pictures together and we really understood each other.

After we left we kept in contact.  A bout 2 months ago we started meeting up at cafes in the hills. We had plans of sitting on the beach and watching the sunset. I knew she was depressed.

I don’t know how to deal with this again.

I miss you SJ xoxoxo

Love, Peace,

Nightworrier  (Dasha)

xo I’ll see you again one day ox

Another one of Those Days… Pain Full.

I think I’m starting to shake it. Not the TN but the depression.

I’m filling every gap of my day with painting, playing and dancing(breakin). It makes my whole body happy when I dance(maybe one day I’ll post a pic.) it’s always brought me out of bad times (when I havent been in pain or injured). I just can’t feel that real kick I use to get. I think it’s because I’m still lonely. This is no offense to my friends and supports. I have deliberatly separated myself from everyone. I know it’s my fault. That’s the way I planned it. It’s better this way.

I’m taking valium everyday which I think is helping me cope enormously as I have less pain and less thoughts.

I’m starting to feel achy again and don’t want to even think about Ross River. It really can’t be as bad the second time round. I’ll just keep busy and distract – distract – distract. It seems to be the ONLY way right now.

If need be i’ll take something later to alleviate the pain.

Peace,

NW

Kicking Back with a Beer.

Yeah the beer isn’t a great idea but I’m not on earth to make great Ideas and fix everything I’m just here for a good time. If I can help someone on the way I will but life is really just a game- a show for everyone. To enjoy and feel entertained. So I’ll make the most of it while I consider myself a capable irresponsible umm adult.

I’m relaxing today got some mates droppin in to cheer me up. They’re all pretty ADHD. But I don’t think they understand how depressed I am. I’ll keep being happy because of they’re precance. But I really want toparticipate. The TN leaves me to fatigued to do anything. They wanna play laser skirmish in the backyard.

They also got some gun powder so we can make some experiments. 😉

but with all these people come all this panic so I took some Clonaz for my face. And yes It works A1 for the TN attacks. It’s a really good TN drug. Then I took some Valium to top off the anxiety I’m close to feelin like bein a trouper in the backyard hey I’ll have a big gun. Least I’ll feel bit more powerful. Gotta fight right. If only for fun.

Peace forever,

NW

Sorry F*** the contract tonight!!!

Not allowed

Not allowed to go out drinking

Not allowed to play my music loud.

Not allowed to drink more then 1 standard drink per leap year.

Not allowed to cut my hair shorter

I hate not allowed. I think I’ll shave my head tonight n go out drinking, then request a song to be played loud
.

Peace,

NW