It’s a Jungle out There.

I pushed myself to go out I even brought my little buddy along a 15 year old girl , she is tough and we went to Michael Jacksons Birthday celebrations, I was so nervous, But having her with me brought me out to dance and enjoy it with my friends of MJ’s Army of Love.

We bought dinner to have I was so nervous Im not so great at eating in front of people. Lucky the person sitting on the other side of me offered to take the food off my plate, then it looked like I was normal like the rest of the crew. I wore my Beat it top And gave my Thriller Jacket to my friend she looked great in it so I let her keep it at the end of the night. she at least needed to stay warm. I think I did a good job leaving the house and getting use to people around me all asking questions and taking photos.

Thanks M (My Psychologist I have come a long way.)

Peace, Night Worrier.

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

What will the day bring?

 Considering I woke up pretty early with my partner still in bed I can enjoy some of the peacefulness and enjoy looking at the unmoved things from the night before and the silence. Hmm the silence what can I say? Astounding all I hear is the cpu fan running. Ah  no I speak to soon he’s getting up and soon Yep he’s just walked past. That means the techno will be cranking ( I really only have a problem with techno but in the morning It’s so fast and makes my brain and heart race ( somtimes just complete panic. I don’t think humans were meant to listen to that kinda beat upon waking. and the sound of breakfast and food preparation will  take over. I might go for a walk later n try n chill out. Gotta loose some weight (feeling last nights pizza.)

Yesterday my mate came over. Real good mate. It’s like they feel they have to give me intervention for everything! Stress, Getting over my problems, long term goals how to not have Trigeminal Neuralgia. Yeh ya heard me they reckon I should just not complain about it ever! cos it’s just an ailment and I don’t have the right to be in pain. I’m apparently suppose to be in a higher realm where people don’t feel pain. WTF this isn’t Scientology. Even if it was I’m pretty sure the pain would still be there.

Well all that said I love my friends but hey just let me do things my way. If ya aint gonna support or understand don’t kick me when I’m down. I’ll kick myself . Trust me.

I’l find somthing to do today treatment wise. maybe just a walk around the block.  Or do some shopping. might even boil down to just can I do anything I’m pretty nervy today.

Here we go the dog and the man are running around the house yelling and barking (Yes for fun). Is it just me or does that sound primitive.

The only reason he spends more time with the dog is because he speaks dog and chooses not to speak to me. During the day there will be more then half the time he says something he’s actually talking to the dog.  Yes it does make me feel less of a human.  Maybe I’ll do a painting or continue my sketches down at the creek. Yeh thats sounds like a plan. Sounds quiet too, Which I think will be todays theme. As it should sooth the nightmares and bring me back to some kind of reality. I’ll also get straight onto the medication cos the TN is grabbing and making me pretty irritable not to mention excruciatingly sore.

I need to try some self -help stuff. No not my usual methods. Something different. Wish me luck

Peace,

NW