A long Day

Today seemed very long I think it’s because I woke up so early and had a lot of red cordial. I painted, I played some trumpet. Played xbox.  I listened to music. I went out. I actually felt almost normal in the shops. One of my best mates came over for a visit. He’s been a good mate for ages.

The TN seemed to leave me alone a bit which was wonderful to say the least.

It’s now at dinner time I get all nervous and anxious. Yeah I’m gonna cave in to Oxazepam. At least I might get some more sleep. Maybe less nightmares.

I feel achy from the day but I feel a bit better.

Peace,

NW

Life goes on (Distraction)

Distraction, distraction and distraction. I can’t even remember basic stuff anymore. I don’t really have an appetite and I can’t really sleep so I’ve been playing a lot of Forza on the xbox. Nice game less killing and violence.  I’m staying calm as possible it feels like everything is too much sometimes yeah I’ve probably already stated that a few times in my blogs.

The TN is excrutiating in the morning.. So is the RRV.

Slowly getting use to the olanzapine, although I don’t think it’s working. The Valium works though  I just don’t like the fast tolerance.

I’m jus gonna keep doin ma thing n hope it all works out ok.

Peace,

NW

More paintings

Well to keep distracted from unhelpful thoughts I got my oils out again n painted. From one canvas to the next they mainly depict the amazing things in the cosmos and animals, I think maybe best to pst them up sometime see if you like them.

As for my sanity, I’ve had a bucket o benzos and olanzapine to get to sleep but i’m to paranoid to sleep. voices are really quite disturbing. The nightmares intolerable the anxiety of fainting is at an all time high. I reall don’t want to go out right now yeah well not at 2:30 in the morning. Tossing weather to have another olanzapine.

I’m totally hating this Trigeminal Neuraligia. If anyone reads this and think they can help I’d be very thankful maybe you have TN and know a special cure. My mate has it too he seems to know the ins and outs of what to do. He’s a great guy but maybe if someone may have some trick up theyre sleeve.

Ill try to sleep again. Just feels like my motor is ideling.

Peace,

NW

Big THANKS to Julian

Olanzapine?!? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What to say about this drug I. I definetly  put it in the 17hr sleep catagory kinda like seroquel. But much more dumbing. As in no nightmares but no memory of anything in everyday thinking. So I leave this post as is just wanted to let you know. Hopefully I wake up for my early therapist.

And by the way if ya feel like gaining 5kgs a week Olanzapine is the go.

*running on spot to loose weight*

Peace,

NW

Good morning. Even If I Have to Make it.

Well I got up early today to smell the gum trees and look for letters in a letterbox I know has nothing in it yet but just looking normal to the neighbours to some degree makes me feel not so bad. In winter I get the fallen branches and even tho it looks cheap it’s life and They’re good pieces of firewood. I like fires. I really do. In many forms.

I going to Dads today. so I’m making extra sure I’m ready for worst case ( panic attack or Trigeminal attack) both I get very uneasy and don’t like when people see me in pain. they usually want to do something but as so many doctors, mental health workers, people i know have told me to relax and it will go. bottom line is it happens when it happens and I’m doing my very best to steer my mental illness and pain away from other people. Otherwise I’ll get all anxious that I’m making them anxious. Plus they’ll continue to push me in to situations I don’t want to be in.

I hope the pain clinic comes up with something better then a knife or a new unknown drugs with unknown side effects

Life so complex. Yet when Im in pain I can only think of one thing.

Peace,

NW

Back in and Back out. Being Screwed up.

 I went back in. Wasn’t feeling good at all the doc wrote a referal for the hospital. So again sent to the naughty room. Sat there for some hours. I finally went out for a smoke as I was walking back one of the Mental health workers came over to where I was smoking.

We had a chat bout some things he  was understanding/Listened and gave me some antipsychotics and let me go home.

So I slept last night.

I feel like shite today. No motivation. I’m amazed I can write this. Well least I got 1 more tab for tomorrow.

Peace and Love,

NW

Zombie me

So for the last few days I’ve been a zombie. Haven’t said much ate much slept much. Just been well…. a zombie. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused, etc.

Peace,

NW

Stayed up all night. Again

Well last night I had to stay up. Mainly cause I was very drowsy n could barely utter words. I took more then my normal dose of pain killers (emergency) one extra if your wondering. It seems that one extra at this stage doesn’t go down well at night time with Valium other sedatives and Oxycontin. I mean. I know thats askin for trouble. Even the Phenergen on top didnt help me sleep through the pain.

It was only after the taste of the last seditive left my mouth I started slowing down. a lot. real shallow breathing. Couldn’t stay with it. was completely vaguing out, scary as. I didn’t know what was happeneing. After putting 2 and 2 together I realised I’d pretty well overdosed. But no . No hospital for me . Never not if I break my leg or need stitches. I’ll do It myself. (No offence to the nurses) But docs come on make a proper diagnosis (It’s not called emergency for nothing). Plus I’m  sure some of the staff just want to watch me jump.  Don’t wait for me to struggle at home for days while my private GP runs extensive and conclusive tests. Kudos to her.

Question – Why Can’t hospital docs help with mental illness?

Answer – because they’re not hospital docs they’re just crisis councilors half who couldn’t care less. And if you are lucky to have your 20 seconds with the hospital psychiatrist. They smile and open the door for you. They may as well supply a map to the roof. There is only one psychiatrist who truly listens in the emergency psych team. He was and probably still is understanding and as I know has helped many others.

Oh yeh the other reason is they judge you on first appearance.  Awesome traits to have in humans hey???

So in my stubborn way I have stayed awake through the whole night with the occasional. “Oi don’t die on me” which strangely woke me up. eyes not capable of seeing. Only faint sounds of speech.

Well I played X box, Uno and went to the look out to watch the sunrise. I don’t know why but I finally felt some peace.

I really hope I sleep a bit tonight I’m hopeless (no I mean hopeless without sleep. I need like 10 – 15 hours so I’m not full of anxiety. Yeah prob sound like a lot but my only close to sane times are times when I’ve had a clockwork sleep pattern.

Ahh well. Let’s hope for some rest tonight.

Peace,

NW

Finally a reason for the physical pain!!!

Well today I went to my gp. I got my blood test results today. It Showed that I have Ross River Virus. Which means I got bitten by a mosquito which had ross river.

I think it it was around Christmas. It was a nice warm night when I was lying on the ground in the night and looking through my telescope. My friend said there was to many mozzies (mosquitoes) I stayed outside a bit longer and I think thats when I was bitten.

Everyone around me now is really worried I explained it’s not that bad it’ll only last a little while like a week to a month. I mean I have chronic suicidal thoughts, Depression for a few months now and anxiety and no one lifts an eyelid. But ross river woah now they wory and I’m more stressed and in pain. At least the tramadol is working a bit still and the serepax makes it much easier to relax and even sleep now and then.

So heres that thanks to the hospital for sending me home saying its all in my head. another one for the crisis mental worker that stood there and also said it was just stress.

Two docs did tests for polymyalgia then my gp did one for ross river as it has similar symptoms. It really hurts to type. Be back tommorow with update.

So if you get similar symptoms and live in Australia ask for a Ross river blood test.

Peace,

NW

It’s harder sometimes.

On top of all my problems is a nasty monster that comes out at night called nightmares. It’s morning now but last night I had a nightmare that consisted f me trying to find a way to get of this planet literally (with spaceship) So people laughed at me. I got more upset and determined to leave. Knowing the average human knows nothing of passing on. I grabbed a pen and stabbed myself in the neck. the laughed again saying do you know that will take ages for you to die. so I found a place and a blade and did it quicker. Then I woke up saying “no more!!!”. I really don’t know how long I can take this. My partner made me a cup of tea and Im gonna have to have a Oxazepam 30mg to stop the shaking and the thoughts. I’m gonna skip the Dexamphetamine today. I just cant wait for the day to finish. I hopefully will be fully settled by tonight.

New night hopefully No dreams or nightmares or those dreams I wake up inside of another dream or wake up and see things everywhere.

Peace,

NW