Depressed EVERY DAY

For months It seems like everyday is harder to care or feel. Still just depressed (According to Acute Crisi Intervention I am doing just fine. When I called and asked for help because I wasn’t feeling right. I thought someone would help me see reason not tell me to go on a waiting list for DBT again. That’s year or 2 wait!! I am getting worse by the hour. I feel like any minuute my circumstances could radically change.

Peace,

NW

Sorry no good news.

Run for The Biggest Hills

While I wait for DBT to start, (Suggested and helped by M) I am looking for one on one therapy.

Again I find a therapist I really thought I could get along with she was also only a skateboard ride away so I was even going out and Happy too! yes that’s right i was happy to be able to do it myself.
After 3 sessions and things were looking good, I was being as open as anyone could that has only just met someone but her wisdom similar to Mark was comforting, I really believed there was a great help. On the 3rd appointment she apologized and said her department had moved her very far from my house, So again I found myself alone.
I feel like if I don’t tell someone whats happening I cannot guarantee my safety, Yesterday I woke up at 4 approx in the morning walking around the hills. I was kinda cold and had no wallet or phone. I figured out my way home and made it without any problems — Except I don’t know how I got there!!! I am scared, really scared, I feel like I am out of Ideas.
This morning I went riding my skateboard of which I have a helmet cam to capture the high-speed action… But what I watched of the film today frightened me even more. The footage shows me walking down to where I skate and sitting down on my board about half way there, The camera shows me sitting there for 2-3 minutes not moving at all. A car drives past me and I get up in the footage and continue on my way.
I am not sure what happened and without constantly wearing the cam I will never know what happens… Unsettling to say the least, My partner saw it and asked what Was happening in the idle 2-3 minutes of footage. He suspected the worse when he looked at me with my very clueless look on my face. I just shook my shoulders. In my head I am freaking out badly.
So this last therapist passed me onto a lovely little girl Danni, She introduced herself as a committed supporter of me and if I needed time off that was ok if I wanted a year off then another chat that would also be ok, I hadn’t felt safer since when M said it but he said it with conviction, Danni won’t even read the previous doctors notes, She says I get opportunities given to me (Which totally takes away the hours a day for years of hard work to get where I am I am sorry she failed level one six and under in kindy but no need to compare lives, She said ” I have done the same as you and I didn’t get any opportunities) (Sure) I asked why not read my doctors competent notes and she said She has a method of reading into everything a person says and looks like, (This is also not true because she didn’t hear a word I had to say as she was getting louder and the exit to the room is on the other side. (Panic attacks are common in her room)This is her method but if you don’t listen to the patient or read the referral it’s gonna take a really long time to gain trust and feel safe.

When I walked out I was so sad, I couldn’t pull myself together, I begged to se someone else, My partner suggested making amends with my psych from a year ago, he said I was most stable then, That just threw me into a deeper spiral as I don’t think he would ever have me back, I really am a good patient, I just said a really bad thing, I had just got into fencing and I liked mentioning it in conversation, It was completely out of context, If he had just given me another fortnight he would see I was only finally excited about picking up a new sport. I hate myself everyday for this.

Now if I wanted to go back to school to get the shit kicked outta me I would continue ”Therapy”

(now If someone tries to physically hurt me I always fight back. Eg. Neighbours all came out to ”Bash” me I laughed and ran at them. It must have been a revelation for them. They said I was crazy…. I proudly remarked and ran up to him and yelled yes I’m fucking crazy so don’t fuck with me or my animals or cactus, Mind you I wouldn’t mind if they got a closer look at some of these cacti. They don’t know how much I don’t care about them, They ruin the neighbourhood and have no consideration for others, they lie to police they poison all the locals front yards in an attempt to show they have power!!! Come on who thinks sneaking around the neighbourhood at 2 a.m breaking windows and throwing poison is any kind of power?!?, including setting a bush and a house on fire 3 houses down in a 13 year olds room. This is when the boys from the family were 19-20 (that’s another story but I’ll let you fit the pieces together) when the father was out of the house.
I would be keen going to therapy but the similarities are far too close. TRUST – That means something to me. I mean I will let her get away with a few put downs and raising her voice even acting quite threatening by leaning closer and yelling telling me I have never lived because the jobs I have had aren’t ”normal”. That’s right she actually said ”Haven’t you ever had a normal job” Before I got a chance to answer she then went on about how popular I am? How would she know how many or few friends I have, In fact 2 close friends are terminal and I don’t know how to make things better. My best friend in the whole world (Besides My little Brother) is stuck in a cold country and has a new life, He doesn’t need me or my support anymore, Pity because I still really need a friend. He was the only one that wasn’t a taker, He has a nice girlfriend now so he has no time for me. I understand but he was the only one since Dr Mark I could be honest with about how I feel. Saying how I feel in this house I live in always makes a fight leaving me worse and much more spontaneous and I find the clues and evidence of what’s been happening. I promised not to slash my wrists to a few my partner and Craig and Mark but they’re opinions mean less everyday.
But that’s just left me with a very difficult life. Painful with TN hitting me every day, On top of that it really doesn’t help getting in really bad accidents and illnesses. I need to talk to someone who will listen not just lecture from this 25 year old (not all 25-year-old therapists are childish) I like Child-Like but Childish and teasing is no way to treat a patient, She kept saying there was something wrong with my thinking I tried to explain but she wouldn’t listen I kept giving her a lot of time but she just hurt me over and over, and asked me if I knew why she was being so cruel. I said ”Maybe it’d because you don’t understand me so you are overcompensating for not knowing very basic skills. So one last session left. What should I say, Considering I said the worst thing to the most helpful one, what should someone hear who is always belittling me and laughing at my life… My words may be a little rough, But I am sure she will get the idea I don’t want another bully in my life. Knowing it’s the end of this ”relationship” Do I just keep saying, so this is the last one , You don’t want to see me anymore do you??? And just keep doing it till she does what Mark did and assume I don’t want anymore help in the case of M he didn’t understand it was my way of making sure he would stick by me. ( Now I know it makes them give up It might just be the thing to say, This is if I remember any of it. I’ll let her down easy, Heaven knows I have it all!!!

Why Can’t I ever do anything right, They say well you learnt that lesson didn’t you???
Sure yeh I learned umm, Don’t joke, Irony. My Mum is an Artist but I see no colour, My Dad was a bridge builder in the army and all I ever do is burn bridges. My Uncle was taken by a shark and I am always surrounding myself with sharks, My Auntie smokes pot outta baskets, I am a basket case, My cousin works for a secret Govt blah, The same government that picks on me and just keeps judging. My fav Cousin in Aust lives so far away I never see her, But when I turn around to find anyone left here in my city, No one is left, Sure I could meet my step siblings but tattoos and street drugs just aren’t my cup of tea. Being a non drug user also makes me the most unpopular at my own parties,
Where have all the good people gone?

Here it is clear as crystal. I am a dancer, A mosquito ruined me for 2 years then I caught ross river a second time. So training is very difficult. When a dancer of 6 years dedicated day and night to train and entertain looses they’re Identity. It feels like a part of my heart is torn out. This happened 5 years ago and it impacts on everything I do. I am still with a crew but we barely get to catch up. Mainly it’s my fault, Car…Anxiety…Pain, and I don’t want to share these facts with my friends or they will have thoughts about me and, I don’t need any friends analysing my problems or congratulating me when I go out. I want it to be normal. Or at least look normal.
I let people have 10 chances because I really want to believe people really are good inside. I always get burnt. Look It’s really amazing I’m kicking on after this year
.
It’s incredibly astronomical that the same days you remember like your first bike ride aren’t the only days you remember, I remember the date I said the dumbest thing in the world. everyday it hurts. It hurts because I was not serious, It hurts that someone thinks I would ever do such a thing. It hurts that every day I know the best gave up on me when I needed his help most.

Luckily some mental health workers are trying to help me find someone I can talk to.

Peace & Love,
NIght Worrier ❤

A week too long in Hospital

I initially went in there because my doc wanted me to get my abdominal pain checked out after a few minutes of arriving they admitted me to the short stay operating ward. By this time I was pretty sure the docs were wanting to cut my Appendicitis  out Well after days of waiting they came to me at 6pm on the 28th March n said well lets wheel ya downstairs ( I was/am kinda depressed n kinda hoped She meant downstairs to the morgue) This was not the case instead I went to theatre they did the cuts and when I woke up I cannot tell you how much pain I was in. It was up there with TN, Seeing as I didn’t want to live before the op you can imagine how I felt after…

I took 2 days to recover then came home and thought about some things then realized I am just weighing people down, then they get disappointed with me and I am not comfortable in myself  anyway, I just want to make it easy for everyone. I am sorry I have TN I really don’t want to live like this either, the biggest insult is when people say, Well I have to put up with it as well . No no you don’t you just have to put up with someone who is in agony how painful can that be to an onlooker who leaves because they can’t take it. That just makes me want to end it. People always told me I come first if that’s true then I should have the right to off myself.  Sorry docs I know you really tried especially by telling me off for missed appointments and not being perfectly up to date with everything,  “Have you been? Are you keeping all your meds in order so you take them at the right time?” blh blh more assassination on my spirit, ffs I would just like to tell them my life is hell I don’t feel anymore I don’t care anymore, I feel like an earth reject. Especially with these toxic Neighbours from hell. I really want to take them down before me. They are wasting much more then I am in this world. Why am I writing still I should be finding someway outta this mess. Love to everyone.

Peace, Night Worrier and useless human to society.

Only a 3 More Nights!!!

The new year is arriving and I have very mixed feelings. I’m feeling anxious most of the time but the level of anxiety has definitely lessen since I got to start a new pain medication that doesn’t yet seem to have side effects. I have danced a lot more with the crew which has helped get me through a lot. Even if I really don’t feel like it.  Then again I don’t feel like doing anything!!!

Christmas. What was all that then? I went to my Dads for Christmas to meet up with family and give them presents. I felt not very welcome, I was not greeted by the  step brothers out the front. Almost like I wasn’t there.  I walked in the main room where everyone was sitting the looked at me briefly and carried on. (Like anxiety problems aren’t enough) It was mostly my Dads wifes family in there. They didn’t talk to me at all. I gave them some xmas  cards. I saw my Nanna in there and gave her painting and card. She was surprised to see me. She thought I wasn’t going to be there.!?!? ( I have never missed a Xmas at Dads)  She told me my Aunty was at the outside setting. I went out there to give her present and card. I was happy to see my cousin out there with his girlfriend. My aunty reacted quite similar when she saw me. Eyes wide open, jaw dropped. She then said sorry I didn’t know…? I was starting to feel strange at this point.  My cousin was glad to see me. A few long minutes later my other aunty showed up. Again very shocked that I was there (at my Dads house!!!) She said she didn’t think I would be there once again. I was feeling less and less welcome. Dad came out and saw me briefly for a few second for use to exchange gifts. I didn’t get any time to talk to him. I stayed for a few hours. Then left with everyone else.

How did it come to this. They are close relatives. They didn’t know anything about my life. In fact not sure weather they knew I was alive. I can’t believe meeting up with everyone could leave me feeling this empty and alone.I feel at this time in my life I need to know people care about me more then ever.

I am still shocked. I thought that having family living close by I could have someone to talk to but as location and situations with both sides of my family I am feeling like I don’t have anyone  go to.

On top of these burning feelings. I’m still quite anxious and having panic attacks quite often. Which is unusual because the ADHD medication usually decreases my anxiety. This is kinda telling me I have a long road to go to find relief from this awful monster. The depression as I mentioned earlier must be quite bad right now as my thoughts about things and the world are feeling %100 meaningless. I hate to get up in the morning I hate to live through the day and night time well it’s just another night. What is wrong with me? I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now. I haven’t told the doctor because if I do he will take me off my pain meds and that’s a quick way to kill someone with chronic pain and depression. I want to get better. I just have very little will atm.

So what do I have to be Happy about? Well I’m trying this new medication that probably wont kill me. (yay Sarc) I have a few friends but I don’t feel like socializing. The end of the year is coming.  Goodbye 2009.

Peace,

NW

What a day!!!

Last night I put myself to sleep with my last olanzapine tablet and a few valium and promithezine. Stayed awake till about 4 o’clock a.m.  I woke up at 5pm in the afternoon so I feel like I skipped  day. I feel like im in a mental straight jacket. Not that thats a bad thing. It’s the only way at this stage.

So now it’s 9:47 pm. I had 2 cigarettes and a glass of milk. I’ve had nothing but racing thoughts since I woke up but don’t have any energy to do anything. Like I said before thats not such a bad thing. I think the olanzapine is enough to keep my mind distracted and very numb which is great.  I don’t want it to ever wear off.

Side of my face is really pissing me off. I just can’t predict the pain and when it attacks once it’s like a door open for more and more attacks so could be going on and on which is when I really lose it and want to jump or shoot myself.

I just filled out the letter from the pain management clinic. So I should be looking forward to some professionals looking at it. I’m really surprised they sent the letter so quick. It almost makes me happy. (I was expecting months.)

Maybe if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll finish an oil painting I keep putting off.that should lift my mood a bit or at least push the bad ones away. I might post my painting when it’s finished. I wonder if ya can upload videos. I’d like to turn it into a time lapse. theres something that will distract me well for hours on end.

When the hospital last discharged me they said they’d call me for a follow up to see how I’m going well they always say that. guess what they didn’t check again. Are they really that slack or what. Unbelievable how far the mental health system in Australia hasn’t come. Only people who are passionate about they’re jobs should be in mental health.

Peace,

NW

Back from Hospital (again)

So I woke up yesterday after a terrible night of nightmares. Decided I’d had enough I wish there was no conflict in my family and we could all accept each other and get along. It seems that is the exact opposite. I felt like I cant pull them together and I felt very lost. Id had enough of the pain as well and cant see an end to it.
I told my psychologist how i was feeling because I have doubts yet strong feelings about suicide. I don’t know what I want or need. She understood me clearly. My therapist and I went out to talk to my partner about it but he didn’t want a bar of it. So my therapist walked me to the A & E. They treated me well there. But really failed the next day upon awakening and going into the interview with a bucket ‘o’ psychs who looked at me and asked how I felt I said I felt sh**. one of them in his PROFESSIONAL opinion said “you don’t look very suicidal” — please tell me what does a suicidal person look like. Just cos I wasn’t going nuts it doesn’t mean that wasn’t happening on the inside. I’m feeling very numb right now so don’t expect this blog to make much sense. So they said I was fit mentally all I needed was a head scan to check if a fracture was causing the TN and try me on a drug called neurontin. Call me uneducated but shouldn’t you address someones suicidal ideation before trying new drugs esp. Gabapentin. I wasn’t gonna hang around so they could fu** me over with these drugs which has a strong link with suicide (google it wiki it). I discharged myself about midday n felt nothing had been addressed. I just wanna try relax as much as possible now. Why am I like this???
Peace,

NW

My Afternoon Post (Personal drug ratings)

So from 4pm the pain got so intense i gave into drugs. 200mg sr an 2x1oomg of tramadol 2x500mg paracetamol,10mg valium. This mix seems to work best of what I’ve got but it still doesn’t stop nightmares or completey stop Trigeminal Neuralgia.

The other day I was lucky enough to find a 40mg Oxycontin. It worked perfect the pain was numbing and light I could deal with it for hours. Pity the doc still has me on Tramadol.

This is How I’d Rate The following Pain Medications:

Tramadol – 5/10 Good because of its long lasting effect.

Acupuncture – ??? not sure yet only 3 shots. No drugs involved

Codeine – 7/10 Works well. but doesn’t last long enough. Slightly better then Tramadol

Tegretol – 3/10 Noticed small therapudic difference but many side effects. Eg. hallucinations, sleep probs got worse, vertigo, nausea, vomiting a lot.

Oxycontin – 9/10 1x40mg Worked the best the stabbing turn into a light throbbing Much much easier to live with. Unfortuatley I’m not got an official script. Pity as I rate it highly.

Diazepam – 6/10 some may disagree with this but I say it help calm my face down and definately getting rid of the anxiety of it I’ve used Valium for quite a while and havem’t seemed to become dependant.

Celebrex – 1/10 no noticable difference just more chemicals. possible minor effect(not sure)

I’m really hoping something will work soon I don’t want to get too depressed over this catch it before it gets that far so to speak.

Peace,

NW

Pain and Insomnia

Well its 5:45 in the morning Once again I went to hospital yesterday. This is how it goes. I was too suicidal to give pain or anxiety medication to. So I said as they discharged me so am I gonna have withdrawals? The nurse looked at me and was sad to say yes. I walked out to be picked up still with pain all over.

They say don’t worry it’s just stress. How can I be happy about that. It really hurts to be in the middle of earth and the heavens. Why won’t any doctors hear me. I’m in so much pain right now and theres nothing I can do. I’ve had the last of my contraband analgesics. So If I live to see the next six days. Im goin to my doc to get some real help.

I cut myself again. I was so angry and in physical pain. I cut the back of my leg. It helped momentarily. I just want to do it all over just to cope for now. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I think I’m pretty depressed. No …… I’m sure I am.

I’ve been doing what my therapist said. Mindfulness and relaxation excercises are a gold things to learn. It’s Just when things start to become to much I have trouble slowing down. So much I cant put anyone through anymore of it. They don’t know how to help and neither do I.

Funny or not so funny thing is I’m making plans of escape. People are also funny. They want you to live. (But they don’t quite know why) Thats what I asked a mental health nurse.

Owwwwww everyhing hurts. This is real s***.

Everyone is demanding to know my secrets. I love these people but hey leave me alone or help – don’t push.

I have had it. It’s my life. Or not.

Peace,

NW

btw fellow bloggers have helped my situation. Somewhat more then crisis call numbers.

Good Luck for 2008