“You should really think about moving on from dancing!” Part 1

These are the wise words from my psychologist don’t get me wrong he was helpful in almost every other aspect, saying this was just like telling an artist to throw out their brushes and move to playing professional snooker. It was completely unexpected, I am just reaching peak fitness again and he says that!!!. It’s lucky he ironically gave me coping strategies to deal with times people say things like that.

Though Dr H****s was a great doctor and I am still a bit shocked he took this so seriously, I know in his mind he knows it wasn’t for real and he knows it wasn’t him I was angry at. For the sake of truth I will scan the letter he sent me to show how rude it was. I mean the language was fine but the clear undertone and lack of letting the patient (me) have any say at all just seem totally unjust. This wasn’t an angry centerlink worker or a bus driver this was my psychologist the person who is supposed to understand my problems as they have been all laid on the table for him to see yet the only thing I see laid out in front of him is an Ipad, Which was swapped from a diary not long ago and may have acted as a barrier between us, As as soon as he started using it I would dread the next time he picked it up to me it felt like he was more interested in using the calender for the next appointment than really listening to my wishes, I had hoped he had seen more of my dance work before he judged my capacity to dance on a national level.

He sounds like he wants to show me he is doing the best for his kids and that he is a good Dad, That was already proven by the paintings on his walls. I really thought he had more smarts than that.

And especially to really leave me out in the cold, Well the proof is here I am coping well I might be drinking a bit more than I use to but we all need a break from such intense stress in our lives. I have a few really good friends getting me through this thanks FFC thanks Julian thanks M thanks Morbid and thanks to my partner for helping me through as much as humanly possible. Thanks to my family I know your thinking of me. xo

So a doctor review would be in order right? I mean one by me. I may not be able to talk to him but I can help anyone who gets him understand some things about him. The good the bad and yes the ugly.

He loves DBT!!! Without giving much understanding of my situation he wanted me to do it. I didn’t want to because I don’t believe it will suit my condition, I think it’s the latest fad Mental health phenomena like CBT some people will get help and the people it doesn’t suit will waste another six months struggling with thoughts and actions . Pushing people in the deep end has never worked in the past in mental illness and with my social phobias being in a group situation once a week is really really hard I have done much therapy 2 inpatients stay and social situations still scare me just as much. Talking eating, or just being in the same room. I feel like people judge me a lot and its not paranoia they really do, I am not very girl looking and about 50 percent of the time both genders of all ages think I am a boy, Now most of the time this doesn’t bother me (long story  but sometimes it really upsets me, Not only that I dress like I dance sometimes and because I break I dress with loose pants, sneakers and a shirt or in the eyes of a by passer someone who doesn’t care for being sexually attractive. I was hoping people would see me attractive because of my personality not my dress code and hair styles, But Even when people don’t want to judge it’s like a built-in instinct, Only the people who know me or have read this over time would have any idea what I am really like.

I better run I gotta train. I have a dance show!!! on today wish me luck, Peace and love,

Nightworrier xo

Yesterday and Today

the difference between yesterday and today is huge, If I had been dead yesterday I wouldn’t have studied and got my car licence,

If I was Dead yesterday there would have been no one proud of what I had achieved.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have enjoyed the sun that blasted it cosmic rays down to us.

If I were dead yesterday I would’ve missed out saving a lizard from the road.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have finished my artwork.

If I were dead yesterday I would have missed so much.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have met nice people on my street.

On the other hand

If I were dead today I wouldn’t have to put up with this crazy amount of pain (TN probably from being upset)

If I were dead today I wouldn’t have been told by the doctor I will have to wait for my licsence.

If I were dead today I would have kept my cool and not launched an attack.

If I were dead today I wouldn’t careless.

If I were dead today I could have all my control back.

But if tomorrow was to come and give me a hand and break down the walls I want to be a part of it for the good times.

I have realized fully that people in positions of power are prone to let you know. Be careful who you disclose information to, I have one doctor that would put handcuffs on me if it were legal and another who lets me have free reign because he knows that’s the way I will recover. I wish you all the best.

Peace out,

NW

– Just a thought –

I saw and met MJ well, I met Kenny MJ Wizz

I was stoked to hear tickets on sale a month or so ago and as soon as I had the money I bought 2 one for my partner and one for myself. The night started out with picking what MJ outfit I would wear, i ended up choosing a red CTE (children of the earth) shirt and Bad leather pants with the buckles, Even Kenny liked them. I met up with my friend at my house she didn’t know that we were going to see A huge MJ tribute. So I packed my thriller, beat it and billy jean jackets for her and hid them in the car.
When we arrived at the multistory carpark outside the venue we walked to the lifts to go down and a few more MJs joined us in billy jean and bad outfits by this stage my friend was looking at me as one of the people said in the elevator “I spose “this is it”. She turned to me in amazement of the amount of MJs in such close vicinity. When we got of the lift we walked to the theatre, by now she could see so many people in Bad and thriller outfits she started to wonder. then out came the tickets and she was so happy we jumped up on a bus seat and had our photos taken in front of the dazzling this is it sign and we were 2 very happy people. The night was just perfect, in every way. I felt as though I was there with MJ. I stood on my chair in the silence and screamed,,. Oww. Kenny (the tribute artist pointed and giggled) as did many others, It was a really good atmosphere with smiles all around.
After the show Kenny was kind enough to hang about for a while and meet and sign autographs, as I approached him I felt a huge excitement when i spoke to him he was vey engaging and sounded much like MJ. He was very nice.
The night left me feeling amazing, it was great to come home with my friend and play the Michael Jackson Expeience on wii as we both really do well at it.
Well That was it, well it was it, well not quite but it was Amazing,
Peace, NW
10/10

First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Swimming with the fishes

I remembered 2 days ago that only 40 minutes away is a reef with fish. I packed up our wetsuits and snorkels and went to the beach. When we got there it was hot and I was awoken by a cool splash in the face by my partner. I think the heat didn’t agree with my patch. I figured once I was in the water it’d cool me down which was right.

I got to the shores edge and started swimming. I ignored the constant helicopters flying above. I guess they were there to look out for sharks but I figured there’s not much you can do if they want a piece. I swam to the reef which was a bit unnerving at times when it was 30-40 foot deep and the occasional big fish would swim by. I didn’t think I’d make it there but I continues with one fin as my other foot is still pretty sprained. As soon as I approached the reef small very beautiful fish approached me and swam around. I took a huge breathe and dived deep to see the fish in the reef. There were so may different kinds. Some angel looking black and white striped fish were the second type of fish I saw I was in total awe. Then more amazing coloured fish swam past with red tails and a purple striped body they were about a foot long absolutly amazing I could almost reach out to pat them . A lot of small silver wide looking fish swam with me the were adorable. Then more and more. At one stage a mass of huge silver fish they would’ve weighed a kilo each about a hundred or more really hard to tell but so many I couldn’t see when the swam past me the all turned in uniform into a big silver cloud… just amazing. I saw one toad fish and so many I don’t know what kind I really want to find out now. It was a great experience and A great way to get my mind off problems and pain.
Rating time. I have to say the biggest downside was getting scared as I swam past the dark things in the deep water. And when I wasn’t sure how much further I could go without panicking. Other then that it’s another 10 out of 10. Hopefully if there’s another day I can do that soon. Next time I’ll take photos underwater.
Another great long lasting memory.
Peace,
NW
xo

A Really Fun Day Canoeing

I had a great time. On Tuesday I went out with my support group and we paddled for the afternoon.

Everybody enjoyed it to the max. Even the guys that took a bit of a spill. They laughed it off very well. That was really good to see. The reaction not the spill.

I had a lot of fun there were dolphins swimming in the same waters which was nice.

<img src="http://

By D233223” alt=”dolphin” />

There were a lot of old ship wrecks there too. Crazy to think some are over a 100 years old. And still sitting there. Maybe not much lef but ya get the idea.

This is one we walked up to. Our feet sunk in the sand quickly!!!

This is one we walked up to. Our feet sunk in the sand quickly!!!

It wasn’t enough to completely wear me out tho. I guess it doesn’t matter what I do I always feel like I’ve never used enough energy.

For a day out I give it very close to 10 out of 10. Only a couple of downsides. Not enough to loose points. An experience not to be let go. The Canoeing was fantastic everything else was a real bonus.

A fun day that will be remembered for a long time.

Peace,

NW
xo

That Was a Good Beer or I love Freedom

The other day I scored myself a beer. Put a smile on my face. Yeah it was Carlsberg Elephant Beer. Every drop was liquid gold in this heat.
Its a fairly strong beer 7.2 percent but a nice strong taste. I would give it 8 out of 10. only looses points because of the very bitter dry taste at the end.
Well that was worth posting.

Disclaimer: Just because I talk about alcohol and have a drink now and then I still think it’s a bad idea getting drunk. But it’s your decision at the end. Please look after your body and never drink and drive.)

Peace,
NW

Woken up!!!

Yep thats right I slept last night. 15 hours or something. Well it had to happen at some stage.

Yesterday my doc put me on an antidepressant which is not really but it is? I don’t really wanna take it. Tossing up. It’s called Avanza®,Remeron®,Mirtaz®. It’s chem name is Mirtazapine . I’m very suspicious. Since the bad side effects of others. I really trust my Gp is thinking the best for me.What to do?.It’s also means I have to stop Tramadol, But the Tramadol was making life a lot easier for my back and head.  The sleep last night has sorta calmed me down now. I’m not feeling the speed of the slope now. Hmmm anyone can you shed some light on the situation? The 50mgs of Tramadol a day with the Oxycontin was really helping me keep my head as together as it does these days. Wjat to do?

Herse’s my antidepressant ratings from the past:

Aropax – Did nothing/ No noticable effects or change in mood.

Lexapro – Bad Hallucinations, More anxiety, more panic attacks, Depressed more then ever. Suicidal. After stopping Lexapro these effects continued for I would approximate a year to a few months more.

Effexor xr – Bad change in mood, loss of interet and motivation, Severe Depression, PTSD got harder to handle eg. nightmares, Patterns of thought, racing thoughts. etc

What will happpen next I’m very nervous. Maybe It will work great but I dont want to be on medicationss forever if it means i get withdrawal is suicide.

I need some time to think and do some more research.

Peace,

NW

Community management plan contract that they want signed

Here is the contract the crisis sent to me. (If you unaware of this letter check out the post called crisis centre contract.) I found it amusing yet disturbing to. The inaccuracy of me is outstandingly incompetent, Incorrect and judgemental. They have known me for a year at least. At the hospital I have had many drug screens. Never has there been something come up. Well heres the long awaited truth of the Australian mental health system. From a 26 yo female.

I will scan the next and last page also showing more inaccuracies.

This a a sad state of affairs.

I hope others get treated better then this.

Peace,

NW

BTW I’m sorry my scanning skills aren’t up to date best I could do.

My Afternoon Post (Personal drug ratings)

So from 4pm the pain got so intense i gave into drugs. 200mg sr an 2x1oomg of tramadol 2x500mg paracetamol,10mg valium. This mix seems to work best of what I’ve got but it still doesn’t stop nightmares or completey stop Trigeminal Neuralgia.

The other day I was lucky enough to find a 40mg Oxycontin. It worked perfect the pain was numbing and light I could deal with it for hours. Pity the doc still has me on Tramadol.

This is How I’d Rate The following Pain Medications:

Tramadol – 5/10 Good because of its long lasting effect.

Acupuncture – ??? not sure yet only 3 shots. No drugs involved

Codeine – 7/10 Works well. but doesn’t last long enough. Slightly better then Tramadol

Tegretol – 3/10 Noticed small therapudic difference but many side effects. Eg. hallucinations, sleep probs got worse, vertigo, nausea, vomiting a lot.

Oxycontin – 9/10 1x40mg Worked the best the stabbing turn into a light throbbing Much much easier to live with. Unfortuatley I’m not got an official script. Pity as I rate it highly.

Diazepam – 6/10 some may disagree with this but I say it help calm my face down and definately getting rid of the anxiety of it I’ve used Valium for quite a while and havem’t seemed to become dependant.

Celebrex – 1/10 no noticable difference just more chemicals. possible minor effect(not sure)

I’m really hoping something will work soon I don’t want to get too depressed over this catch it before it gets that far so to speak.

Peace,

NW