No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

Very Sick

On Saturday I got very sick. I felt so hot, I checked my temperature, it was 39.5 I figured It was way hot. My friend told me to take some paracetemol I took 2 and half hour I was feeling good enough to put myself to sleep, When I woke up I felt ok I had something to eat. Then I decided to go back to bed when I went to lie down. As soon as I lyed down I felt sick again, Then violently threw up, about 5 times, least to say my partner wasn’t impressed,  He got a bit of splash.  😦 I ket apologising for it. He was a good man and got it all cleaned up. I got up again and just felt unbearabley hot and tried cooling down.

That night I got the temperature again. This time my temperature was 39.5 and the paracetamol didn’t do any thing at all. I kept checking and every minute the thermometer showed a higher reading, at 39.9 I said to my partner ”I have to go to hospital” He jumped straight up and got me in the car he’d been waiting for me to say it’s ok I need to go to the hospital.

When we arrived at the emergency doors I opened the car door while my boy went n parked the car. I remember the light being too bright and I remember trying to walk towards the triage desk but before I knew it I had thrown up again and passed out on a waiting lounge, I woke up again in a room in emergency I still could not see and the headache was getting worse they checked my tewmperature again and started fluids through both arms as well as some kind of pain relief for my head. I answered some questions for the doc in the dark room.  I felt so unwell and fell asleep again. I woke up again in Intensive Care, People wore full body protection and we all had masks on, It was actually somewhat a good feeling to know I didn’t need to keep trying to save myself, that others had taken over was a huge relief.

They did many tests and kept me in ICU for 2 days till I was realesed to a ward. On the last day in ICU I felt lucid for the first time in a while I looked around and wondered what happened to me I found sticthes in my hand holding a tube in. I didn’t know whatthey were doing but I trrusted them, They got my temperature down and said I was good enough to go to a ward.

Spending my hours awake in the renal ward with 3 other guys was at first a little unsettling but once I met them they all seemed nice. The nurses I had were amazing and their bedside manner was more than you’d expect. They gave me info on how to stay healthy and give myself rest, something I have not been good at in the past. I had had so many bloods taken and canulas put in I was starting not to be scared when they asked for more blood.

On the last day in their which was Wednesday They came in and said the results showed a multi resistant strain of the infection. So A big stop sign was stapled on my curtains warning people not to see me without a mask. The nurses and doc said they had no where for me to stay as I may make the other patients sick so they said home would be best and to keep taking antibiotics and get another blood test done in a week. Sounds easy enough.

It’s Sunday now, It’s been a week since that awful illness and I feel so much better, I am drinking plenty of clean water and eating healthy so I can get back to my life, The one I was getting good the one I was finding a way out of the deep depression feeling. Least my face isn’t hurting so much now. I went for a little skateboarding today only 20 mins but enough to know Im feeling better.

So that was my last week, If I am ever so sick again I won’t wait I will see my doctor before things go out of control.

Peace, Nightworrier.

Idiot of the year or 7 (years)

I have nothing to hide so I am going to share it. I didn’t want to use names but if we all keep quiet about the things in this world like war and personal vendettas. No one will be helped and there will inevitably be more suffering.

The meek in this world are prone to suffering and sadly we have predators who find them as prey, I am learning to stop the silence. Abuse can take on many forms and this one is particularly nasty, People who ask for help are particularly vulnerable and Some nurses find these people easy targets for whatever reason they like to pick on them and accuse them of the most outrageous things, tearing the patient open like an autopsy and not even attempting to put the pieces back together.

I will be posting my entire ”Mental health summary” up here today I think it’s time people saw what was written about them. About half the facts in this letter are false.Mainly because of one mental health nurse David Hains (He is only a crisis worker and cannot give out diagnoses) He has labelled me All kinds of things he has even Stolen from me and told me he took it After investigation it turns out he kept it and gave it to one of his kids!!! Had he done this to the wrong person the outcome may be different (He has put his kids in threat before himself, I see some very wrong things happening),

He assumed much about my life (All intolerably wrong, eg, Living on the streets- Never, neglected and abused by family-wrong again , Called ME a thief – I pride myself on respecting others and not hurting those around me, Accused me of being weak and getting raped by my friends!!! This is so very wrong, When I refused to answer anything he took them all as yes. And wrote it all down in his words and his sick mind, There is much more) This has caused me much distress and much more harm than good,

This is a story of an Acis worker that has lied about me and got himself a little print up featured in this week – ”Idiot of the year” Blog. This (Man) If you can call him that has sent me from hospital to his church to get better, Told Emergency doctors to ignore me when I had Ross River virus, He told them I was in withdrawals, (Of what? At that point in my life I was on panadol/Apap/Tylenol only) this was years before I got Trigeminal. He has lied to many other workers about me, Stood in my room and accused me of several things I had never heard of. He even put in the summary threatened to stab a medical officer for drug related reasons ( The so called victim Doctor is unnamed – because they don’t exist!!! – This is a non incident!!! Nothing but more lies to add to this summary)

A wide berth should be given at the sight of this man who dresses like a church preacher (Long white shirt down to his knees), He has short ginger/grey hair and beard, tries to have a scruffy look to appear jesus like!!! (I’m sure that is helpful to the schizophrenics (who usually yell out things like antichrist when he is in they’re room) Should you have an encounter with this man, Make sure you collect all the details you can I know in these situations it can be hard but ask for a pen and paper Do your best to put correct time and date (This goes for any mental health worker in your country city in the world) . Plus as many details he has written about you, He is acting like a fantasy short novelist instead of an accurate, caring, mental health worker doing his job. If you want help moving these people out of the system, You can email me at Ebeboy@hotmail.com I will help and direct you to Some help that will clean up the mess he makes and help you get your medical history honest.

It is sad I have to actually name these people but if we leave them in the system they will make people worse, More people will be misdiagnosed and people like him will get away with unethical treatment of the people who need it most.

So later today I will show you all the things he has written down and hard stone facts. I will then clearly review it for you all to have a good look at and see the major problems Australia is having with these misfit mental health nurses.

I’m not worried he will read this, Firstly even if he does manage to google himself he then has to read…

So don’t be afraid to email me. I have some good information to share. What ever you Do do not call the Advocate!!!, Not only will they find ways of not apologizing for mistakes but they are actually the same church people as David Hains (of FMC Flinders Medical Hospital) (Acute Crisis Intervention Team) so they will always cover each other.

This is not to say all the other workers are in this category, there are actual real mental health workers in there that go above and beyond to help people they deserve medals for their work.

David Hains is a hindrance to the whole system and I would bet if he was out of the system entirely (He is a wasted paycheck) A lot more Patients/people would find they will actually be able to move on from the pain he causes. Possibly they can even find a life where they will never be sent to hospital and never need to go in voluntarily.  Like I mentioned he isn’t the only one there and soon he probably won’t find himself there much longer, Keep the emails coming in. This is how we make a change in the world. This is what will help hopefully hundreds or thousands from the sting of the wasp.

I have lost a friend forever directly resulting from his treatment toward her. I will never see her or get to call her again. She also had 3 kids who now have no Mother, Her Mother is in such a state since it happened 3-4 years ago. Every year I think of her and in my blog she is referred to as S.J for her anonymity. David refused to let her diagnosis of Bipolar be treated and called her borderline personality. Therefore no treatment. After both S.J and I left out inpatient stays we caught up often to help each other she told me everything, When I found out the reason she was no longer being treated because of her ”borderline” She said she was just too depressed to argue. I watched the results in detail on the news a week later. I still wonder why there was no inquiry into the Mental health worker. This is so very tragic and not the only one!!!

The past time they have given me has been interesting I have spoken to many of his old patients and found many common answers and some have felt quite aggressive toward him. This is where the mental health nurse should listen, I have warned other patients of his not to say a thing to him. (unfortunatly this may result in them getting another random diagnosis as he thinks he is a bit of a Bigshot with a 5 minute diagnosis (That could ruin or prevent the person getting the right help.)

Peace & Love Especially to those in need right now.

P.S I will be also be uploading my summary of the treatments and diagnoses of the person in question. I think it’s only fair that if he is going to put false information about me in the public domain, I as a citizen and victim of the mental health system should tell the truth.

I must stress the hospital is not to blame nor the doctors, Only 1 or 2 ”Mental health workers” that are doing much damage to people and the entire system. Like I say most of the staff there are doing their job and doing it well.

Please read my summary carefully, Make your mind on what you think the problem is even better if you can pinpoint where things are going wrong Feel free to leave a comment.

This site as of next week will be just http://www.nightworrier.com

Enjoy the read, many strange things happen here.

Peace and Love,

Your Friendly loyal Australian Mental Health Blogger,

Night worrier

“You should really think about quitting dance” Part 2 or End of the world tomorrow.

“The end of the world” can mean many things. Sadly tomorrow will be another day, this poor geologically active planet we destroy day at a time will most likely weaken to the point we do have an increase in natural disasters. As it is we have to live with the current ones. – D

So I went to my dance show, I loved it I was treated real well and felt super supported by the others. I also had the privilege of after 3 years formally meeting one of my favorite dancers, That wouldn’t of happened if I had quit or even taken those words with any seriousness. You can’t kick the dance out of me. It’s in my soul and my heart. It was like telling someone to get over they’re kid and throw them out (Ok there are some cases where this would be the right thing to do.)

My real worry is that well… I’ll save that for next blog

It’s been my life for too long for a doctor I knew for over 2 years I wasn’t going to listen to outside influence.

I really trusted Dr Mark, I feel so strange having a secret only him and I know, I wasn’t serious I just didn’t want any more “Stop dancing talk” from people. I had heard it from so many people who don’t know what I do or what it means for people to see me and get so much enjoyment. He was a great doctor and hopefully will stay that way. So… Well done . You worked me out 😛

Sure It’s great I don’t need to go to the Margaret Tobin Centre again, I’m not touching wood I’m Smacking my head on 2×4. But now I can’t talk to anyone. I’d like to say some things about Mr Mark. But I will keep it in confidence for now, He is a smart person he just made a stupid mistake. He knows I have never hurt anyone. I never will till the day I die. I hope one day he can recover from what I said.

If he was really that scared why didn’t he have me committed or call the police for attempted murder or anything instead he did the socially accepted!!! thing to do and left me out on the street to wait for my ride because after 2 years he couldn’t still fathom that having no drivers license also meant I couldn’t get home.

The only reason the session was 15 mins shorter was because he had someone else to see.

This may stay a subject for a while as it’s made a lot of other things worse. Thanks again Morbid insanity, Your ongoing support has been gold during this trial.

Peace, Love, NW

I think it’s time for some photos for the next post. What’s NW got in store now?

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Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

Less Than 24 Hours Ago – Suicide thoughts –

That’s how fast it came down like a tonne of bricks, I started to worry about the world about everything I realized there was no point to my existence, Am I here to just churn out works occasionally hitting a winner. It doesn’t seem important enough with whats going on with the world.  It surely doesn’t change the corrupt system we live in.  So I thought about it some more until 6 this morning. I considered hanging, ODing, Just walking until I couldn’t go any further. I had considered slashing but it is really hard for me and I didn’t want to leave a mess. I couldn’t think of anything else all night.

Then finally I went to bed I somehow knew I would wake up in 2 hours. I even put it on my fb page. So when I wok up at 8 I didn’t really have a different perspective on things but People around me needed me or needed to use me. Either way I always do what they say. I tried to say no to people a while ago but it was just to difficult. I get treated like a fool for my kindness.

I decided to spend the part of the day that I had to myself in the garden and moving rocks to make a rock wall. (Guess I shoulda been building bridges) Ahh just another thought. I have a bridge near me. I have known this fact for a long time and have thought of it many times.

So I didn’t act on any of the thoughts but more then the will of wanting to live it was circumstance that I was bound to stay. It’s hard to do it with someone around unless you can be angry at them and if it isn’t justified then you just end up feeling worse. Sometimes pain makes you want people to hate you so it’s easier to leave. They don’t see life is so unbearable because they see a different me they see A person who is content with life and has anything they want if they try… Well how about this, I don’t want anything anymore I don’t want to try. Actually I lie I want my family and friends to have a beautiful life full of enchanting things that keep them happy. That’s all, I don’t want to dance I don’t want to draw, I don’t like my things, I forget to smoke because I find myself in a four hour stupor of staring mindlessly. Saves money but also shows I am not normal anymore and I don’t mean normal in the casual sense I mean I am forgetting thing that normally should be natural to anyone. If something is hot and I know it and have been told half an hour later I will go back and burn myself again.

I have a friend I consider a very nice ( a little out there, Scares people away/some antisocial issues) but I love him as a friend,  but he is kind of simple and takes a lot of time to do anything Yet he holds down a job, I believe even though I am his only friend I will jump when I’m told to he really takes advantage of having a friend he can count on. If there was a heir achy he’d be up top and have me on the bottom rung. I wish I could enjoy things like he can, He finds out the simplest general knowledge fact and he will be talking excitedly about it for a week,  during that time I may have researched it to death and fallen asleep in 6 hours further reading in a pile of books that lead to obscurities that may have had something to do with the subject in the first place and I still don’t get a kick from it anymore.  It all just doesn’t feel right.

Either way I am not going to guess when and how to stop this feeling it’s a slippery slope as most of you reading know.

I need to sleep now, Do you think the opiates will let that happen? No is the answer for the slight uneducated, After this long sleep doesn’t happen when you want you either fall asleep for 5 minutes or stay up for 3 days. And the doctors wonder why I beg for sleeping tablets. They just wanna dumb me down with ‘Seroquel’ (Side effects include, feeling dumb and knowing there’s a better world, tardive dikinisis pseudo Parkinson, Weight gain, fatigue 1 tablet days of drowsiness and apathy, and many other much worse things ) All the ones I named are side effects I get and it doesn’t do much for the happiness that’s supposed to just exist in the human body.

I wish you all a good night don’t feel bad about the world it’s too much for one, Maybe tomorrow will be different be better and we will all feel safe here on this ever changing planet.

Love you all, Bless you,Salam,

Night Worrier xo

A week too long in Hospital

I initially went in there because my doc wanted me to get my abdominal pain checked out after a few minutes of arriving they admitted me to the short stay operating ward. By this time I was pretty sure the docs were wanting to cut my Appendicitis  out Well after days of waiting they came to me at 6pm on the 28th March n said well lets wheel ya downstairs ( I was/am kinda depressed n kinda hoped She meant downstairs to the morgue) This was not the case instead I went to theatre they did the cuts and when I woke up I cannot tell you how much pain I was in. It was up there with TN, Seeing as I didn’t want to live before the op you can imagine how I felt after…

I took 2 days to recover then came home and thought about some things then realized I am just weighing people down, then they get disappointed with me and I am not comfortable in myself  anyway, I just want to make it easy for everyone. I am sorry I have TN I really don’t want to live like this either, the biggest insult is when people say, Well I have to put up with it as well . No no you don’t you just have to put up with someone who is in agony how painful can that be to an onlooker who leaves because they can’t take it. That just makes me want to end it. People always told me I come first if that’s true then I should have the right to off myself.  Sorry docs I know you really tried especially by telling me off for missed appointments and not being perfectly up to date with everything,  “Have you been? Are you keeping all your meds in order so you take them at the right time?” blh blh more assassination on my spirit, ffs I would just like to tell them my life is hell I don’t feel anymore I don’t care anymore, I feel like an earth reject. Especially with these toxic Neighbours from hell. I really want to take them down before me. They are wasting much more then I am in this world. Why am I writing still I should be finding someway outta this mess. Love to everyone.

Peace, Night Worrier and useless human to society.

Sleeping problems & depression

I started taking a new tablet to help me sleep because my sleeping pattern is all over the place and not much of it so I kinda feel like a  zombie a lot. In a really last ditch effort to sleep with the help of drugs I tried “Mirtazapine” I had heard of it before but thought it was for depression it is in larger doses apparently. With the already disturbing and vividly scary nightmares I already had this increased so much more with the added factor that I didn’t know when the dream had ended and was still in a position to attack someone 20 mins after I got out of bed.

NO WAY turns out I am now sleep deprived and depressed Low as and spiraling. So I am taking some time off it till I see my psychiatrist during the week. I really trust he does the right thing by me. He really listens and helps me a lot (Normally it’s a month to get in but when I called him and explained  he got me an appointment straight away. It was a huge relief to me because I can’t keep trying to live like this it is in every way – crazy- and the more I try to deal with the problems the more rocky situations get. I really hope today I can get my self out a bit or do some sport to get the adrenaline out.  I will do at least one constructive thing today that has got to make me feel better. I think part of my problem is that I need a lot of excitement in my life, real excitement, I think that’s why I have always done extreme sports.  I want to do more but it’s hard when I am so fatigued, It really doesn’t seem fair having a fit strong body that won’t do what I want.  I really have to push hard.  I hope I can get into some routine soon so I can feel secure again instead of this shaking mess. Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW

November the hardest month of this year

So this month I have been in agony so no sleep, irritable about to kill the neighbors if they step out of line one more time. They have abused my dogs smashed my car put explosives in the yards of houses around me. Stolen, Smashed 100’s of bottles on driveway and all down my street. If they blink at me I am ready to get all my energy together and give em a piece.  Lets see… I will ask the cops to help again but if they just put this on the records and wait for it to build up and the kid (19) next door can just get escorted to jail for the serious offenses he has done, I will relax. His Mother is to blame as well for having the saying to her kids “If your not caught you didn’t do anything wrong” what sort of parent gives they’re kids that advice? I just feel sorry for the young girl living there, no one in her family respects her and her evil brothers and Mother aren’t any help to her. I don’t think I will need to do anything though, They are so stupid with explosives and poisons they will end up screwing themselves over.

As for my life and it’s manageability. I just got off the phone to lifeline they seem not to call the police and ambos straight away. Even when I told them I wasn’t well, I just promised I would call back if it got to a stage where I couldn’t handle it anymore and am getting too frustrated.  If ya call that not sleeping, agitated to the point I punch the punching bag till my knuckles bleed and have no appetite then when I do eat I feel sick… Well I am there. I have no control over anything and when my partner asks what I want for dinner and I am not hungry I feel bad and say I am hungry so he thinks I am doing better then I am, Now I know at this point many of you will be saying why hide it just be honest, and many will be thinking just fake it till you make it, Well I’mm sorry it seems like a loose loose situation. I haven’t seen my peer worker for a month or so. I don’t know the number. I should probably look it up.  When I said I’d get back to J my peer worker I forgot I didn’t know his number and by now I am probably kicked off the program… wait I think it musta been a “compliance disorder??? WTF. I can’t keep up with everything.

Right now it’s 6.30 am and no sleep in sight. It’s been a year of insomnia now and I don’t know weather Im asleep or awake when i walk around I don’t remember weather dreams are real or if I really did leave my mobile out in the rain. Who cares right. I got 2 spares. The thing that sucks is even my partner has no mobile and it’s just crap I cant contact him or anything.  I feel like if this avalanche doesn’t slow or stop soon it’s gonna be the whole mountain. If that’s the case I am going on holiday.  I am sick of living for  people that don’t appreciate me or anything I do. The pain is excruciating. I don’t think the doctors are taking this seriously enough.But then again I have not expected much from doctors after The local pain clinic put me on a drug that caused much emotional pain and suffering. That was they’re only offer of help or the dangerous brain surgery that lasts a couple of years. I am old enough to take care of my pain now I don’t need the government to baby me.  I need more control soon!!! Talk about unreasonable.

I wonder what a beautiful world this would be if I weren’t here. The neighbors make this planet dark and evil – (they call themselves christian but apart from owning a bible I haven’t seen any other sign of christian beliefs.) Maybe the world especially my town would be so much better off without the little boys next door (19 -21 yrs) they better grow up quick because if they don’t it’s going to be a very hard lesson.

I will not let them stop me from getting around and I can only laugh at them when I see there hate-ugly faces staring at me when I do something. (dance, Slackline, ride, skateboard, kick the football)  They really need to get a life or pay to watch me train.

I think I’ll walk up the shops now n wait for em to open and get the first coffee of the day. Yeh it’s cold out there  summer mind you but once I start walking it wont be so bad.

Peace, NW