Stayed up all night. Again

Well last night I had to stay up. Mainly cause I was very drowsy n could barely utter words. I took more then my normal dose of pain killers (emergency) one extra if your wondering. It seems that one extra at this stage doesn’t go down well at night time with Valium other sedatives and Oxycontin. I mean. I know thats askin for trouble. Even the Phenergen on top didnt help me sleep through the pain.

It was only after the taste of the last seditive left my mouth I started slowing down. a lot. real shallow breathing. Couldn’t stay with it. was completely vaguing out, scary as. I didn’t know what was happeneing. After putting 2 and 2 together I realised I’d pretty well overdosed. But no . No hospital for me . Never not if I break my leg or need stitches. I’ll do It myself. (No offence to the nurses) But docs come on make a proper diagnosis (It’s not called emergency for nothing). Plus I’m  sure some of the staff just want to watch me jump.  Don’t wait for me to struggle at home for days while my private GP runs extensive and conclusive tests. Kudos to her.

Question – Why Can’t hospital docs help with mental illness?

Answer – because they’re not hospital docs they’re just crisis councilors half who couldn’t care less. And if you are lucky to have your 20 seconds with the hospital psychiatrist. They smile and open the door for you. They may as well supply a map to the roof. There is only one psychiatrist who truly listens in the emergency psych team. He was and probably still is understanding and as I know has helped many others.

Oh yeh the other reason is they judge you on first appearance.  Awesome traits to have in humans hey???

So in my stubborn way I have stayed awake through the whole night with the occasional. “Oi don’t die on me” which strangely woke me up. eyes not capable of seeing. Only faint sounds of speech.

Well I played X box, Uno and went to the look out to watch the sunrise. I don’t know why but I finally felt some peace.

I really hope I sleep a bit tonight I’m hopeless (no I mean hopeless without sleep. I need like 10 – 15 hours so I’m not full of anxiety. Yeah prob sound like a lot but my only close to sane times are times when I’ve had a clockwork sleep pattern.

Ahh well. Let’s hope for some rest tonight.

Peace,

NW

It’s harder sometimes.

On top of all my problems is a nasty monster that comes out at night called nightmares. It’s morning now but last night I had a nightmare that consisted f me trying to find a way to get of this planet literally (with spaceship) So people laughed at me. I got more upset and determined to leave. Knowing the average human knows nothing of passing on. I grabbed a pen and stabbed myself in the neck. the laughed again saying do you know that will take ages for you to die. so I found a place and a blade and did it quicker. Then I woke up saying “no more!!!”. I really don’t know how long I can take this. My partner made me a cup of tea and Im gonna have to have a Oxazepam 30mg to stop the shaking and the thoughts. I’m gonna skip the Dexamphetamine today. I just cant wait for the day to finish. I hopefully will be fully settled by tonight.

New night hopefully No dreams or nightmares or those dreams I wake up inside of another dream or wake up and see things everywhere.

Peace,

NW