Jumping in the Deep End

Well last year is over, I still am having trouble missing my mate that passed on late last year. It really shouldn’t of happened. I wonder what I could have done for him… I wake up in dreams where he is fine and walking about , To discover it was another dream. I kinda wished the waking moments weren’t true.
I went to hospital yesterday I have been having a terrible stabbing pain in my side. I get the feeling I’m not treated equally because I live in chronic pain I think my physician thought I could wait (a few hours for anything pain relief, tests.) Instead they just hooked up a litre of saline and shut the curtain. I’m not that good at being patient without my ADHD meds but they didn’t ask about anything. They should’ve just told me to go home and sweat and scream in pain. Which I have now accomplished over the last 24 hours, I now have a temperature and when I’m not in pain(for a few seconds) I’m thinking of a quick way out. It’s not that it’s hard to find the right antidote to life it’s just I have so many people I have to be here for, for how long I’m still not sure, The monster at the end of this book is asking to turn the page again.
So I discharged myself from hospital at 9:30 after 3 hours of lying there in pain knowing only metres away are supposedly competent doctors and nurses who have the ability to help me. So when I ask to leave guess what the doctor turns up with painkillers and says to me ” So you want to leave because you think we are not doing a good job” I said no I’m leaving because your’e not doing any job. As I left I remembered the knife in my bag I sat on the road in the dark in pain outside the hospital with only 2 options I had my knife my smokes and my phone in front of me. I lit my smoke and thought for about 5 minutes hat to do. Please don’t say I took the pathetic way out, I called home for a lift. At least then I can find somewhere safe away from hospital. I can’t take this f***ing pain near my kidney. I don’t know If I wanna bother with another night, What do I do? Why am I totally helpless?
So I have to move on from my peer worker, I’ll be fine actually you know, stuff it, I don’t need help. I’m obviously fine right here. The government won’t look after me and neither will my family… What do I have to loose. I will do as I please now.
Peace ,
NW