No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

Trapped.

Hey Yeh its me nightworrier. Recent attempts asking for help have only fallen on deaf ears. I cannot talk to my doc if I feel suicidal. Which is all the time now. My partner is watching me 24/7 when I wake he does. He wont go to bed till I do. Acute crisis help hangs up on me the hospital wont take me. If I don’t stand for whats right. I will leave others in the same position. Thankyou M.I you have been a hood support to me. Just a few words is all I can conjure. Peace. NW.

My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

Very Sick

On Saturday I got very sick. I felt so hot, I checked my temperature, it was 39.5 I figured It was way hot. My friend told me to take some paracetemol I took 2 and half hour I was feeling good enough to put myself to sleep, When I woke up I felt ok I had something to eat. Then I decided to go back to bed when I went to lie down. As soon as I lyed down I felt sick again, Then violently threw up, about 5 times, least to say my partner wasn’t impressed,  He got a bit of splash.  😦 I ket apologising for it. He was a good man and got it all cleaned up. I got up again and just felt unbearabley hot and tried cooling down.

That night I got the temperature again. This time my temperature was 39.5 and the paracetamol didn’t do any thing at all. I kept checking and every minute the thermometer showed a higher reading, at 39.9 I said to my partner ”I have to go to hospital” He jumped straight up and got me in the car he’d been waiting for me to say it’s ok I need to go to the hospital.

When we arrived at the emergency doors I opened the car door while my boy went n parked the car. I remember the light being too bright and I remember trying to walk towards the triage desk but before I knew it I had thrown up again and passed out on a waiting lounge, I woke up again in a room in emergency I still could not see and the headache was getting worse they checked my tewmperature again and started fluids through both arms as well as some kind of pain relief for my head. I answered some questions for the doc in the dark room.  I felt so unwell and fell asleep again. I woke up again in Intensive Care, People wore full body protection and we all had masks on, It was actually somewhat a good feeling to know I didn’t need to keep trying to save myself, that others had taken over was a huge relief.

They did many tests and kept me in ICU for 2 days till I was realesed to a ward. On the last day in ICU I felt lucid for the first time in a while I looked around and wondered what happened to me I found sticthes in my hand holding a tube in. I didn’t know whatthey were doing but I trrusted them, They got my temperature down and said I was good enough to go to a ward.

Spending my hours awake in the renal ward with 3 other guys was at first a little unsettling but once I met them they all seemed nice. The nurses I had were amazing and their bedside manner was more than you’d expect. They gave me info on how to stay healthy and give myself rest, something I have not been good at in the past. I had had so many bloods taken and canulas put in I was starting not to be scared when they asked for more blood.

On the last day in their which was Wednesday They came in and said the results showed a multi resistant strain of the infection. So A big stop sign was stapled on my curtains warning people not to see me without a mask. The nurses and doc said they had no where for me to stay as I may make the other patients sick so they said home would be best and to keep taking antibiotics and get another blood test done in a week. Sounds easy enough.

It’s Sunday now, It’s been a week since that awful illness and I feel so much better, I am drinking plenty of clean water and eating healthy so I can get back to my life, The one I was getting good the one I was finding a way out of the deep depression feeling. Least my face isn’t hurting so much now. I went for a little skateboarding today only 20 mins but enough to know Im feeling better.

So that was my last week, If I am ever so sick again I won’t wait I will see my doctor before things go out of control.

Peace, Nightworrier.

Crash – To be expected

So Im not talking metaphorically I actually crashed at high-speed on my Longboard, I was asked by a ‘friend’ If I would do a steep hill with a dead-end and covered in broken sticks and twigs, I knew it was probably suicide, My ‘friend’ already called it a snuff movie because it was an impossible hill, he’d been saying in the car the whole way there, I dare ya to do it. I know I am a better rider than him, I have had years of experience he has only had 2 months maybe, So I figured Id at least stay on the board till I got closer to the bottom and either slide or bail, What I didn’t expect was to hit a branch on the ground and fall further down hill landing very hard on my chest then slid for a bit. I rolled over and the guys graciously asked me to turn the camera goggles off to save battery, My ‘friend’ then approached me and asked if I was ok, I thought that was nice of him, the only words I could conjure were ”I’m just winded”  I was in so much pain and had no idea weather I had caused any internal damage, I continued riding and following my friend but he went to far and I was having trouble breathing so in my dissociated state I walked back to where I thought the car was. turns out the car was in a completely different spot I kept walking uphill and saw my partner he helped me walk to the top he said he would drive up and get me, I lied off the road in the bushes to wait for him, I was in terrible pain all over especially my chest.

While I was lying in the sun trying to find a comfortable place to rest, About half an hour had passed and I still wasn’t hearing out car, another car pulled up and said ”hey kid?” ”what happened?” I said I had had a bit of a fall and landed on my chest.  They spoke among themselves for a bit saying well we can’t just leave the boy here. ”how old are ya lad?” ”17?” This added to my confusion I didn’t bother telling them I was a girl because they both truly believed it. Then they called an ambulance. The Ambos arrived and said lift up your shirt, I did and they were a bit shocked to see I was a girl. They quickly got me pain relief and took me and my board to hospital.

I was looked after pretty well in there. They put me in Trauma and xrayed and scanned everything.

All in all some bruising and pain but I’m essentially a pretty tough person. I still hurt but it will go away Im guessing when the bruising goes.

Peace out, Nightworrier. Still on the quest for happiness and Life, Love.

No Therapist, No help, Nobody!!!

I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤

Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.

Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.

I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.

Peace,

NightWorrier

Idiot of the year or 7 (years)

I have nothing to hide so I am going to share it. I didn’t want to use names but if we all keep quiet about the things in this world like war and personal vendettas. No one will be helped and there will inevitably be more suffering.

The meek in this world are prone to suffering and sadly we have predators who find them as prey, I am learning to stop the silence. Abuse can take on many forms and this one is particularly nasty, People who ask for help are particularly vulnerable and Some nurses find these people easy targets for whatever reason they like to pick on them and accuse them of the most outrageous things, tearing the patient open like an autopsy and not even attempting to put the pieces back together.

I will be posting my entire ”Mental health summary” up here today I think it’s time people saw what was written about them. About half the facts in this letter are false.Mainly because of one mental health nurse David Hains (He is only a crisis worker and cannot give out diagnoses) He has labelled me All kinds of things he has even Stolen from me and told me he took it After investigation it turns out he kept it and gave it to one of his kids!!! Had he done this to the wrong person the outcome may be different (He has put his kids in threat before himself, I see some very wrong things happening),

He assumed much about my life (All intolerably wrong, eg, Living on the streets- Never, neglected and abused by family-wrong again , Called ME a thief – I pride myself on respecting others and not hurting those around me, Accused me of being weak and getting raped by my friends!!! This is so very wrong, When I refused to answer anything he took them all as yes. And wrote it all down in his words and his sick mind, There is much more) This has caused me much distress and much more harm than good,

This is a story of an Acis worker that has lied about me and got himself a little print up featured in this week – ”Idiot of the year” Blog. This (Man) If you can call him that has sent me from hospital to his church to get better, Told Emergency doctors to ignore me when I had Ross River virus, He told them I was in withdrawals, (Of what? At that point in my life I was on panadol/Apap/Tylenol only) this was years before I got Trigeminal. He has lied to many other workers about me, Stood in my room and accused me of several things I had never heard of. He even put in the summary threatened to stab a medical officer for drug related reasons ( The so called victim Doctor is unnamed – because they don’t exist!!! – This is a non incident!!! Nothing but more lies to add to this summary)

A wide berth should be given at the sight of this man who dresses like a church preacher (Long white shirt down to his knees), He has short ginger/grey hair and beard, tries to have a scruffy look to appear jesus like!!! (I’m sure that is helpful to the schizophrenics (who usually yell out things like antichrist when he is in they’re room) Should you have an encounter with this man, Make sure you collect all the details you can I know in these situations it can be hard but ask for a pen and paper Do your best to put correct time and date (This goes for any mental health worker in your country city in the world) . Plus as many details he has written about you, He is acting like a fantasy short novelist instead of an accurate, caring, mental health worker doing his job. If you want help moving these people out of the system, You can email me at Ebeboy@hotmail.com I will help and direct you to Some help that will clean up the mess he makes and help you get your medical history honest.

It is sad I have to actually name these people but if we leave them in the system they will make people worse, More people will be misdiagnosed and people like him will get away with unethical treatment of the people who need it most.

So later today I will show you all the things he has written down and hard stone facts. I will then clearly review it for you all to have a good look at and see the major problems Australia is having with these misfit mental health nurses.

I’m not worried he will read this, Firstly even if he does manage to google himself he then has to read…

So don’t be afraid to email me. I have some good information to share. What ever you Do do not call the Advocate!!!, Not only will they find ways of not apologizing for mistakes but they are actually the same church people as David Hains (of FMC Flinders Medical Hospital) (Acute Crisis Intervention Team) so they will always cover each other.

This is not to say all the other workers are in this category, there are actual real mental health workers in there that go above and beyond to help people they deserve medals for their work.

David Hains is a hindrance to the whole system and I would bet if he was out of the system entirely (He is a wasted paycheck) A lot more Patients/people would find they will actually be able to move on from the pain he causes. Possibly they can even find a life where they will never be sent to hospital and never need to go in voluntarily.  Like I mentioned he isn’t the only one there and soon he probably won’t find himself there much longer, Keep the emails coming in. This is how we make a change in the world. This is what will help hopefully hundreds or thousands from the sting of the wasp.

I have lost a friend forever directly resulting from his treatment toward her. I will never see her or get to call her again. She also had 3 kids who now have no Mother, Her Mother is in such a state since it happened 3-4 years ago. Every year I think of her and in my blog she is referred to as S.J for her anonymity. David refused to let her diagnosis of Bipolar be treated and called her borderline personality. Therefore no treatment. After both S.J and I left out inpatient stays we caught up often to help each other she told me everything, When I found out the reason she was no longer being treated because of her ”borderline” She said she was just too depressed to argue. I watched the results in detail on the news a week later. I still wonder why there was no inquiry into the Mental health worker. This is so very tragic and not the only one!!!

The past time they have given me has been interesting I have spoken to many of his old patients and found many common answers and some have felt quite aggressive toward him. This is where the mental health nurse should listen, I have warned other patients of his not to say a thing to him. (unfortunatly this may result in them getting another random diagnosis as he thinks he is a bit of a Bigshot with a 5 minute diagnosis (That could ruin or prevent the person getting the right help.)

Peace & Love Especially to those in need right now.

P.S I will be also be uploading my summary of the treatments and diagnoses of the person in question. I think it’s only fair that if he is going to put false information about me in the public domain, I as a citizen and victim of the mental health system should tell the truth.

I must stress the hospital is not to blame nor the doctors, Only 1 or 2 ”Mental health workers” that are doing much damage to people and the entire system. Like I say most of the staff there are doing their job and doing it well.

Please read my summary carefully, Make your mind on what you think the problem is even better if you can pinpoint where things are going wrong Feel free to leave a comment.

This site as of next week will be just http://www.nightworrier.com

Enjoy the read, many strange things happen here.

Peace and Love,

Your Friendly loyal Australian Mental Health Blogger,

Night worrier

“You should really think about quitting dance” Part 2 or End of the world tomorrow.

“The end of the world” can mean many things. Sadly tomorrow will be another day, this poor geologically active planet we destroy day at a time will most likely weaken to the point we do have an increase in natural disasters. As it is we have to live with the current ones. – D

So I went to my dance show, I loved it I was treated real well and felt super supported by the others. I also had the privilege of after 3 years formally meeting one of my favorite dancers, That wouldn’t of happened if I had quit or even taken those words with any seriousness. You can’t kick the dance out of me. It’s in my soul and my heart. It was like telling someone to get over they’re kid and throw them out (Ok there are some cases where this would be the right thing to do.)

My real worry is that well… I’ll save that for next blog

It’s been my life for too long for a doctor I knew for over 2 years I wasn’t going to listen to outside influence.

I really trusted Dr Mark, I feel so strange having a secret only him and I know, I wasn’t serious I just didn’t want any more “Stop dancing talk” from people. I had heard it from so many people who don’t know what I do or what it means for people to see me and get so much enjoyment. He was a great doctor and hopefully will stay that way. So… Well done . You worked me out 😛

Sure It’s great I don’t need to go to the Margaret Tobin Centre again, I’m not touching wood I’m Smacking my head on 2×4. But now I can’t talk to anyone. I’d like to say some things about Mr Mark. But I will keep it in confidence for now, He is a smart person he just made a stupid mistake. He knows I have never hurt anyone. I never will till the day I die. I hope one day he can recover from what I said.

If he was really that scared why didn’t he have me committed or call the police for attempted murder or anything instead he did the socially accepted!!! thing to do and left me out on the street to wait for my ride because after 2 years he couldn’t still fathom that having no drivers license also meant I couldn’t get home.

The only reason the session was 15 mins shorter was because he had someone else to see.

This may stay a subject for a while as it’s made a lot of other things worse. Thanks again Morbid insanity, Your ongoing support has been gold during this trial.

Peace, Love, NW

I think it’s time for some photos for the next post. What’s NW got in store now?

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“You should really think about moving on from dancing!” Part 1

These are the wise words from my psychologist don’t get me wrong he was helpful in almost every other aspect, saying this was just like telling an artist to throw out their brushes and move to playing professional snooker. It was completely unexpected, I am just reaching peak fitness again and he says that!!!. It’s lucky he ironically gave me coping strategies to deal with times people say things like that.

Though Dr H****s was a great doctor and I am still a bit shocked he took this so seriously, I know in his mind he knows it wasn’t for real and he knows it wasn’t him I was angry at. For the sake of truth I will scan the letter he sent me to show how rude it was. I mean the language was fine but the clear undertone and lack of letting the patient (me) have any say at all just seem totally unjust. This wasn’t an angry centerlink worker or a bus driver this was my psychologist the person who is supposed to understand my problems as they have been all laid on the table for him to see yet the only thing I see laid out in front of him is an Ipad, Which was swapped from a diary not long ago and may have acted as a barrier between us, As as soon as he started using it I would dread the next time he picked it up to me it felt like he was more interested in using the calender for the next appointment than really listening to my wishes, I had hoped he had seen more of my dance work before he judged my capacity to dance on a national level.

He sounds like he wants to show me he is doing the best for his kids and that he is a good Dad, That was already proven by the paintings on his walls. I really thought he had more smarts than that.

And especially to really leave me out in the cold, Well the proof is here I am coping well I might be drinking a bit more than I use to but we all need a break from such intense stress in our lives. I have a few really good friends getting me through this thanks FFC thanks Julian thanks M thanks Morbid and thanks to my partner for helping me through as much as humanly possible. Thanks to my family I know your thinking of me. xo

So a doctor review would be in order right? I mean one by me. I may not be able to talk to him but I can help anyone who gets him understand some things about him. The good the bad and yes the ugly.

He loves DBT!!! Without giving much understanding of my situation he wanted me to do it. I didn’t want to because I don’t believe it will suit my condition, I think it’s the latest fad Mental health phenomena like CBT some people will get help and the people it doesn’t suit will waste another six months struggling with thoughts and actions . Pushing people in the deep end has never worked in the past in mental illness and with my social phobias being in a group situation once a week is really really hard I have done much therapy 2 inpatients stay and social situations still scare me just as much. Talking eating, or just being in the same room. I feel like people judge me a lot and its not paranoia they really do, I am not very girl looking and about 50 percent of the time both genders of all ages think I am a boy, Now most of the time this doesn’t bother me (long story  but sometimes it really upsets me, Not only that I dress like I dance sometimes and because I break I dress with loose pants, sneakers and a shirt or in the eyes of a by passer someone who doesn’t care for being sexually attractive. I was hoping people would see me attractive because of my personality not my dress code and hair styles, But Even when people don’t want to judge it’s like a built-in instinct, Only the people who know me or have read this over time would have any idea what I am really like.

I better run I gotta train. I have a dance show!!! on today wish me luck, Peace and love,

Nightworrier xo

Dumbest thing to do Ever

Say in a sarcastic, Button pushing way ”I was thinking of stabbing you” to your psychologist,.. Just to test the waters!!!

If you do it’s more unlikely you would ever actually do it, I would have hoped he realised I wanted to say something to him, Something that would take a lot of trust.

Ah well

That was my dumbest thing I did this year.

Your very dumb but very loyal blogger,

Nightworrier.