My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

No Therapist, No help, Nobody!!!

I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤

Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.

Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.

I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.

Peace,

NightWorrier

Dumbest thing to do Ever

Say in a sarcastic, Button pushing way ”I was thinking of stabbing you” to your psychologist,.. Just to test the waters!!!

If you do it’s more unlikely you would ever actually do it, I would have hoped he realised I wanted to say something to him, Something that would take a lot of trust.

Ah well

That was my dumbest thing I did this year.

Your very dumb but very loyal blogger,

Nightworrier.

Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.

First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

The next day on mars (In the ward)

Saturday I figured it was the weekend and I hadn’t seen my Dogs or partner in days. It was better feeling then yesterday I was anxious pretty scared and I needed to get a pass out to go home for a couple hours. I picked up some clothes etc. And with the inhaler the hospital gave me I tried to quit smoking.
On Sunday I did. the. same Figuring I wasn’t going to see a doctor and 3 of the patients were scaring me quite a lot and didn’t help much at all. I went home about 4. When I got home I felt a bit strange and found it hard to ground myself, I played with the dogs and relaxed with a cup of tea, I was less edgy then.
Before I knew it it was time to go back. I got back at 8 just before they locked the doors and that means you have to talk into a intercom while being watched on camera, now if that doesn’t make you 100 times more anxious you’re either crazy or have serious anxiety issues (1 in the same) Don’t worry If you have anxiety. when I returned I saw the night nurses one of which spent time with me I got to tell him why I’m not eating. sleeping, drinking he was one of my nurses 5 years ago. He got me off the gin After a heavy 6 month drinking session. great night nurse. I thank. him. hugely. I was sad to hear he too now has chronic pain. it was good. to be honest finally maybe life has more to come for me yet. must try to sleep now. had one valium what a joke.(a drop down from 4 mg of Clonaz by the doctor in here. This must be fixed Soon. well tomorrow I will try and get it sorted out if I’m lucky enough to see a psychiatrist.)
Peace out,
NW

Christmas…

Is Christmas the most stressful time of year? Probably. I’m guessing most of my readers didn’t have a perfect family reunion with love and hugs. But I’d like to share my Christmas day or not as it were. So I had planned a quiet Christmas just my partner n me have a drink at home smell the Christmas tree, Watch some movies. In early December both my parents had made arrangements and as it was I was not going to see them on Christmas, Then at the last minute they all change there minds, I feel like I’m playing “towers” with my family just so there’s no disputes or accidental run ins. The day before Christmas I saw my Mum and her boyfriend he seems nice. We went to a local cafe and drank some coffee and had some cake we exchanged our gifts and hugs. It would have been a good picture, nice sunlight out where we sat. Was nice just to be out there and even if I wasn’t actually included in the rest of the family gatherings I got a couple hours out with Mum and it was ok.
Then on Christmas day gee for the sake of my parents I should really split this paragraph. Ok then now I woke on Christmas morning with still a glimmer of hope things would go OK and there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. As I said My Dad also had changed his plans. I was really happy to see him when he arrived at the door about 3 in the arvo he and his wife came inside I greeted them and we sat down. What happened then was silence not any kind of silence but the sort that you know somethings wrong and no one is talking. So I try spark the conversation like a kid with wet matches and on a soaked carpet. Eventually after a few minutes Dad mentions there is a problem on his wifes side of the family and Dad being the guy he is put it away and explained the issue. I felt for them but I don’t regard what the problem was Was something you should carry with you all day or even really give it more then a few minutes thought as it doesn’t really concern me much I don’t mean I don’t care but these things are personal and should be left alone as to help others enjoy the one day of the year we must try to get past our issues and celebrate and share love and show love for whatever reason you do. Christian or not. I tried to make the room more comforting and offered many things. I felt a bit helpless in that way. On the other hand when We got talking we had a good time, I think I even managed not to mention (whinge) about pain. So I saw both my parents that showed me love and I felt good about that, The downer of it was that I wasn’t included in the major family celebrations. So I had Christmas drinks to celebrate, lucky for me no real reaction to my meds. Boxing Day was going to be my only chance at a real catch up with family but he real kicker for that one was I woke up on Boxing day in so much pain on and of like a flickering light. It just wouldn’t stop. I started to feel suicidal. Now don’t say oh your only feeling that cos ya sad and hiding the horrible truth of your own life from yourself. I felt suicidal because I know the cures for TN are so inconsistent, And mine being set off but an aneurysm or vessel near the T.N I’m not convinced at all that these ‘new’ techniques will work and wont have horrid long-term side effects. Want an example of ‘new’ techniques ECT which was first used in the 30s. Instead of a barbaric wooden spoon in the mouth and 50 volts for two tenths of a second put on the temples to the ‘new technique’ they knock out the patient with a strong benzodiazepine do the same thing they did in the 30’s but now the patient wakes up with a slightly lesser headache. On the same subject does it even work? Well it’s subjective it might work sometimes but in the case of my room mate in the last ward I was in. She killed herself not a year after leaving the ward. So maybe it works for some but I know it doesn’t work for all. I still miss her a lot.
Again I am in so much pain its starting to cycle. the morning is usually the easiest then as the day drags on things get harder fun is harder to find, dancing and being creative are right there in my head but unable to get it all out. This is really hard to deal with pain an d depression, sitting here writing has helped slow down the adrenaline that was at first racing through my muscles and making me feel like I can’t move and I feel really sensitive. So sensitive a small fight or disagreement with my partner can cause me to feel at ends ya know like finishing it all. The adrenaline pumps I start to worry no one likes me anyway I’m too difficult. I even asked my partner today If I was to difficult, he agreed and in that split second I wanted to die. I’m to young to be a burden like this. Also having major problems chewing my face is extra sensitive as well right now so. You can only guess how I feel about this. Very angry with the pain. With the small amount of sleep I am getting I am getting quite irritable the sleep I do get is usually a nightmare yep those ones that drag on all the next day and get reminded of the nightmare by many things. My partners new way of grieving is being totally ADHD and this is driving me nuts. Just because of his hyper behavior I have also thought about killing myself. Its so painful in my face, Its so painful to watch people who aren’t scared every second a terrible horrible pain that will strike at any moment they eat ice cream and drink and eat what they want, a breezy day won’t keep them in the house. I can almost do those things now but on a lot of medication. These almost perfect beautiful people all around me. I feel like nothing. I am looking forward to a better life.
Love, Peace,
Night Worrier

Why Bother…

Have friends if they leave you when you need them most.

To get over mental problems when there is only a small chance your doctor will ever look after your physical ones.

Going to bed when the next day is a bigger let down then the  last.

Sleep, When all I get is nightmares.

To  Help when most of the people you come across would rather screw you over then help the mass ignorance.

Teaching the youth the right way when the Adults all get scared and throw accusations at you.

Start a fire on a cold morning When you know the meds make it impossible to control your own temperature anyway.

Giving a statement to police when nothing ever comes of it.

Move out when freedom is always in my heart.

Chain smoking with out a lot of whiskey.

Trying to lift the mental illness when it will be used against me for the rest of my days.

Quit smoking when I like it. (they say ‘life is short’)

Write a song when it will be sad.

Paint a oil when the angels will be falling out of the sky.

Miss my dead friends when it just reminds me about what we don’t have on earth.

Dance if there is no one to enjoy it.

To Wake up.

…Because there is still a chance of a rainbow tomorrow.

Peace,

NW

-Mother always told me be careful who you love

Be careful what you do ’cause the lie becomes the truth- MJ