Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

The next day on mars (In the ward)

Saturday I figured it was the weekend and I hadn’t seen my Dogs or partner in days. It was better feeling then yesterday I was anxious pretty scared and I needed to get a pass out to go home for a couple hours. I picked up some clothes etc. And with the inhaler the hospital gave me I tried to quit smoking.
On Sunday I did. the. same Figuring I wasn’t going to see a doctor and 3 of the patients were scaring me quite a lot and didn’t help much at all. I went home about 4. When I got home I felt a bit strange and found it hard to ground myself, I played with the dogs and relaxed with a cup of tea, I was less edgy then.
Before I knew it it was time to go back. I got back at 8 just before they locked the doors and that means you have to talk into a intercom while being watched on camera, now if that doesn’t make you 100 times more anxious you’re either crazy or have serious anxiety issues (1 in the same) Don’t worry If you have anxiety. when I returned I saw the night nurses one of which spent time with me I got to tell him why I’m not eating. sleeping, drinking he was one of my nurses 5 years ago. He got me off the gin After a heavy 6 month drinking session. great night nurse. I thank. him. hugely. I was sad to hear he too now has chronic pain. it was good. to be honest finally maybe life has more to come for me yet. must try to sleep now. had one valium what a joke.(a drop down from 4 mg of Clonaz by the doctor in here. This must be fixed Soon. well tomorrow I will try and get it sorted out if I’m lucky enough to see a psychiatrist.)
Peace out,
NW

I Needed Help for depression and I got Some

You probably think what a lame title but this is a tremendous thing and unfortunately amazing. I called the crisis line because I felt I had come to a very boring end full of blandness and lacking color , the void in my head was so bad it converted to a full body encompassing numbness, Apathy wouldn’t give the feeling justice but a further look through the thesaurus seems to be lacking the word or no words that I need to explain this place, Because it is a place it’s me and my place is in a different slightly skewed yet similar world to most others. I have many things happening in the ‘real world’ I must be brave and face eg. docs, docs and problems, going out. But in my world which is 24/7 Things are dim and the tunnel that spirals down gets gradually darker. I can’t see my friends in this world and don’t give them the respect they so deserve. I can’t see anything I like I can’t feel the sound of a good song I can’t taste a grape from a jalapeno. The day seems not to change time 10am or 3pm or 2a.m all feel the same.
Back to the crisis line, I had just made a plan to commit suicide and felt like I was only doing it because the way I feel right now wasn’t all that right, I was full of all kinds of feelings of confusion like being in a maze with just smoke and mirrors everywhere and the maze is seemingly impossible to get out of. The lady was very understanding but did call the police because I was telling her the truth that i was suicidal but On the other hand I wanted to live. I felt so depressed 100%. Now Im about 70%. But this is 4 days later and it goes up and down I think we need to go past 100 sometimes to be accurate. So I went to hospital via police and waited in the waiting room for 3 hours, I asked triage if I could leave I don’t know why I was a bit delusional and people looked weird. She asked me to sit back down so I did then I got anxious and depressed so I had a few clonazepam to calm down when I saw the mental health nurse i lied and said I was completely fine I was just suicidal and needed to sleep it off, Some reason he didn’t believe me and returned a couple of times before I confessed, Then they had to put monitors etc on me to watch breathing n heart. So I was woken up every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t fall too far asleep. I was treated with dignity even though what I did makes me feel very ashamed. I didn’t feel any feelings of happiness or even that I could stand the blandness of life around me the next day I just worried they would put me in a ward. This whole thing repeated minus the OD 1 day later, Because I am still very unwell with depression. and using my antidepressants every day doesn’t seem to be working. I will try them for one more week but if they cause me to go to hospital again I’m stopping regardless.
You just wish you could press reset. Start again with the wonderful feeling of love everywhere and the clouds rain special reasons just for you or the smell of excitement in the air when the Christmas trees are on display at the servos. The idea of getting a meal and a dvd to watch and even if it isn’t that good movie you still feel like you did something, A block of chocolate to share with a friend and having a smile about life. Forget the terrible things in the past and only think of what you like to do now and just do it. The feeling of never giving in and always getting better, fitter, brain well exercised. A song come on the radio and reminds you of the good times.
The sad thing about the last paragraph is that I know things were good in ways. I knew how much I loved the feel of a new leaf on a tree and a koala looking down at me plus all the above.
Like everyone in the world I don’t want to be forgotten, left out, ill treated, unloved, depressed for no reason. I think writing helps me figure out my weaknesses and strengths in this life. I know now I feel like I have learned a bit about myself I previously was either unaware of or in denial of. I really want to live and I really want to join the crowd of people that live relatively normal lives my friends. They have helped me so far through this even with the help of the hospital We all still need someone to love a friend to talk to and a life to look forward to.
The monster That lurks in silence continues to stalk my every hour but as long as I don’t turn around I should be walking a safe path. Hopefully the feeling of hopelessness and despair will fade in time, any worse and I need some assistance. (I feel so weak when I have to ask for help)
Peace, Salam, Love
N.W
Take care of yourselves even when it’s dark, even If you have to ask someone a crisis line can be good or bad but it worth it before making such a big decision as wiping yourself off the planet. xxx Jeez even just write it down or give yourself some kind of time before you do it. You might change your mind as it becomes too late.
Love
NW

It’s the 16th of October

What will happen today? I don’t know I woke up this morning close to my partner. I had nightmares but didn’t talk about them I just said good mornng and got up for a shower. I realize today being another cold drizzly day I’m feeling a little down. My ribs kinda hurt so I cant train indoors even if the weather was nice I couldn’t dance outside. Which leaves me with a few options. I could play with my rats for a while, Paint with some water colours or oils maybe charcoal. I just don’t seem to want to express much at the moment. Then there’s my rhinestone setter which can keep me occupied for hours.
Im also kinda sad my friends wont call me or really have anything to do with me. They always send messages like “yeah I catch up this week.” 3 weeks later. Still the same message. I’m learning not to trust people again. It’s a good thing. I have past memories of people saying they will see me again only to have them kill themselves or die in a terrible accident or find they have got all the help they need from me and move on. The less friends the better. The few I do trust are very wonderful people and are the real only reason I want to live.
All day so far and it’s only 12 I have felt nothing but angst and frustration. I know there’s a whole day of this to go.
I really don’t like these days. I wish I could have enough time away from the noise. Enough so I can think for myself. It would give me just a little more control over what I do even weather I eat or not today.
What will happen today???
I’m so nervous. I will take my Clonazepam and hope things start to settle down.
I’ll update later and see how things go.
Peace,
Night Worrier

New Challenges

Everyday is a struggle but I push myself out of bed even if I’ve had only a couple of hours sleep and or had nightmares. I make my way to the fridge and drink an ‘up and go’ which for those unaware is like a chocolate drink in a carton with more nutrition then I’m likely to get throughout any given day. I have a 3 minute shower and look out the back window to see the new day. Lately the weather has been unpredictable and drizzle and grey clouds don’t really whip up happiness. So maybe the docs right I have sunlight affective disorder. Or maybe I’m just human. After feeling worn out from pain of TN that usually occurs every morning.
occasionally I wake up in pain and that is hell on earth. Hell on earth.
I have started guitar lessons with good tutor. I am learning slowly but it’s an excellent way to relax when I’m feeling like I’m getting uptight. I have only learned a few chords and sounds but it’s a lot better then I expected. I thought I was doomed to fail the guitar as my previous attempts have been very poor. I thought it was a good opportunity to take the fear from the guitar and get to a level I’m happy with. I’d like to play a few tunes one day. If I keep practicing I will. I am already feeling better about it.
It has helped a lot especially lately with the return of some unwanted monsters, one of which is anxiety and panic attacks. If I could go a whole day with out one it would make my life so much easier and less scared of the next one, It’s as unpredictable as T.N. Not as painful but nearly as scary. There are more monsters chasing me about but I’ll leave that for another entry.
I’m trying to get better as fast as possible, I take zyprexa to help with my appetite but it is not working nor is it helping the sleep.(It is somewhat helping with the back round noise I’d like it to last a bit longer. From what I recall in the past Olanzapine (zyprexa) has caused me to eat and even put on a couple of kilos. This time round it’s the opposite I have no desire to eat and feel awful if I do. I’m not sure whats going on. I have not to my recollection ever had this much trouble eating.
Doctor news. Well I have been waiting a long time to see a doctor that practices closer to my home instead of a 45 minute drive, Which is very difficult as I feel bad about having to ask for help from my support workers to drive me. It’s a waste of time (not always)I could be talking with my support worker over a coffee, Or participating in something constructive.
I am now really needing a closer doctor and maybe even have a medicine review. It totally destroys the whole concept that I am supposed to not think about pain when so many hours a week waiting at the pharmacy picking up medications, having doctor appointments, Screaming when I need breakthrough medication, remembering to take my tablets 3 times a day, Enjoying something then I get a severe attack. I can’t help but feel how unfair this is, I was brought up not to believe in unfairness but This has changed things for me. I look at things differently according to what my T.N will allow.
Apart from all that I do manage to find the time to paint, Play guitar/trumpet, Hang out with my dogs, Ride my bike around the backyard, Even break dance when I’m not in too much pain T.N or ross river which I thought would have gone by now, It comes back ever time I have a cold or flu and makes my knees, elbows, ankles and wrists really hurt and slightly swell. I would just like to have a day with no physical or emotional/mentally distress. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
I will continue to work on my focusing method to ease the pain it seems to work. Just a little trick I learned one day when the pain became unbearable and suicidal I stared at a light which I concentrated on until the pain gave me a few seconds relief. Now I have a rock in my bag/pocket in case. I can take it out and focus on it in emergencies. But for real emergencies I’m not messing about any more Anaphylactic shock, fainting, loosing the plot. Any of the above I now don’t mind if I end up with a night in hospital. Better then being dead hey? Well so a few people I know think, Love to you souls who want to see me doing better, and getting out of this pain.
Well I have to go practice guitar for a while in substitute for my clonazepam. In all honesty the clonazepam works a treat for the TN but isn’t the greatest for anxiety I already have a problem with he colour of the pill (and the cost $$$) but anything for the TN. I’m hoping someone can help me more with the panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. The thoughts are getting rougher and more consuming. I really feel like I am going crazy, my friends have assured me I am not and it will pass, I really want that to happen soon. I feel like life should cut me a little slack so I can use what tools I have to try and repair the damage in my head. Well I need a dose of guitar now.
Peace,
NW

I really have a lot on my mind and when I get the chance I will right it down, It usually helps me get some of my brain in order. If I fail I will just take the Olanzapine and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I should wake feeling much better then this.

Nervous. Anxiety and Panic

I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.

I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but  for a  reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.

I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.

The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.

I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.

Peace,

NW

Gonna try get some sleep.

Making Improvements About (Through persistant pain)

Here and there where I can I am trying to improve myself. I thought it would help me feel happy instead its just left me feeling like there is always more to do(whether I want to or not). Im trying to fill my days with amusing things. dancing, painting and going to groups. I feel like there”s a lot left to express but I am constantly fighting barriers. I barely get the time to be me. These barriers I talk about are everywhere. When it comes to my chronic pain. I am expected to pick up my meds daily. This is insane.  I have asked what have I done to deserve this. My doctor tells me he has the drug and alcohol department on his case. I don”t receive any breakthrough pain medication!!! Why can”t I be treated for my pain appropriately. Not when it”s right for the department but rather when I suffer.

They don”t see the screaming unbearable pain I live with everyday yet they make rules on how I live survive day to day. If (When I suffer insomnia) I am expected to just deal with it till it passes could be days without sleep or months without more then 5-6 broken hours. Quality of life should play a major part in someones health care. Doctors need they”re rights. They know the patient and the patient can have a stonger role in theyre management giving control back to the patient.I know if I felt more control over my pain I would have a lot more control in my life in general.

Everyday I am feeling fatigue and pain through my entire body but mainly the joints knees and elbows. Severe migraines and two thumbs that got hyper extended and chipped bone. I can’t dance let alone hold a cup of tea. I think you can see where this is going. Not just for me but the many thousands of people in pain being treated inappropriately without decency Where do they expect our hearts and minds to end up if we are controlled and treated so harshly at the same time trying to make the best of a painful life… I haven”t even bothered telling my doctor as I have come to realise it doesnt matter how bad the pain gets (Or what it does long term). Most doctors are more worried what will happen to them if they help a patient!!! Don”t believe it?

Cut and paste the  medical disgrace

http://www.dfps.org.au/?page_id=35

On another note. I have been going out more often as you read I have to go to the chemist every day!!! apart from that I went to a street dance session in town. That was fun. Lots of new faces. I stayed a few hours and walked to the station and caught the train home. That was a huge leap. But not as comforting as I expected. I was quite afraid of being alone. Like a kid lost in a supermarket I made my way home. I walked in the house I think in the back of my mind I was expecting a big welcome home congratulations sign with balloons and a bouncy castle but no. The cup of tea my partner made was certainly satisfactory and made me feel at home again.

There was another dance event on tonight I was going to attend but a last minutes message changed the night. “” Sorry dancers, we cannot allow underage dancers into the event because of licencing”” My dance crew are all 17 and aren”t allowed until they are 18. This is a huge let down and I invited them. They were gonna have the time of they”re lives.  Since finding this unfortunate news out. My earlier conversation with my partner saying if I go out I”ll have a drink (as this is very rare). I”ll have to have it here then (Sorry gotta be human sometime). A treat I guess you could call it. I am so disappointed and upset at myself for devastating the guys.

Well thats my small rant. Trust me more to come…

Peace,

NW

Another ordinary day… In Hospital

I went to the doctors as I wasn’t feeling too well I had been feeling like this a few days but now it was at the point I couldn’t stop shaking and sweating. I was doubled over in pain. I had waited and waited to get over what ever was the problem usually I say well If I’m sick today I’ll be recovering tomorrow. At the doctors I quickly found out I was just getting sicker and needed to go to hospital. When I arrived in the waiting room of pain I looked at all the solemn faces and bored expressions. I thought to myself If I could look that comfortable I’d be at home but I guess everyone had something wrong weather they swallowed a battery or punched through a window (It was a friday) So I sat there shivering sweating and pale trying to look tough. The waiting room is quite confronting. You don’t want people to think your weak. So I held a steady emotionless look. My partner asked for a nurse for me as I was getting sicker by the second. When they got a bed for me I got on lied down and screamed. I guess I felt like I could now no one was watching. A nurse saw me and asked a few questions took my obs. She then gave me some morphine for the pain. She remarked thats the first time I’ve seen you smile tonight. I thought I’d be smiling in everyday life If I was always pain free.  I sat on my bed chatting on instant messaging on my phone to my friends (perfect distraction) while I felt a nauseous spin of the morphine. My friends sent me good messages for the night and the doctors let me rest giving me injection intervals  of antibiotics and morphine. Through the night the pain stabbed. I got a nurse about 3 am for more pain relief. By morning I was still in pain and scared the surgeons would soon be in my curtain room wielding scalples and notes* (WARNING *notes are powerful things that can lead to surgery). I got some scans done and tests. They said they wouldn’t have a clear result for 2 days but as for now I need to take my antibiotics and hope I’m totally better in a week.

The surgeons spoke to me in the morning and we’re not sure weather to take out my appendix or not. I usually think if it’s a maybe – don’t cut) The second surgeon left me with antibiotics and painkillers. He said If it’s still painful in three days to see my doc. Yeh ok I will go back but I don’t know about going back to the butchers hospital. I mean these surgeons looked competant and all but It’s surgery is something I’m terrified of. It’s gonna take nerves of steel to go back.

I will update on how it goes but for now I need rest. I’m still aching a bit.

Peace,

NW