No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

Sleeping problems & depression

I started taking a new tablet to help me sleep because my sleeping pattern is all over the place and not much of it so I kinda feel like a  zombie a lot. In a really last ditch effort to sleep with the help of drugs I tried “Mirtazapine” I had heard of it before but thought it was for depression it is in larger doses apparently. With the already disturbing and vividly scary nightmares I already had this increased so much more with the added factor that I didn’t know when the dream had ended and was still in a position to attack someone 20 mins after I got out of bed.

NO WAY turns out I am now sleep deprived and depressed Low as and spiraling. So I am taking some time off it till I see my psychiatrist during the week. I really trust he does the right thing by me. He really listens and helps me a lot (Normally it’s a month to get in but when I called him and explained  he got me an appointment straight away. It was a huge relief to me because I can’t keep trying to live like this it is in every way – crazy- and the more I try to deal with the problems the more rocky situations get. I really hope today I can get my self out a bit or do some sport to get the adrenaline out.  I will do at least one constructive thing today that has got to make me feel better. I think part of my problem is that I need a lot of excitement in my life, real excitement, I think that’s why I have always done extreme sports.  I want to do more but it’s hard when I am so fatigued, It really doesn’t seem fair having a fit strong body that won’t do what I want.  I really have to push hard.  I hope I can get into some routine soon so I can feel secure again instead of this shaking mess. Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW

I Needed Help for depression and I got Some

You probably think what a lame title but this is a tremendous thing and unfortunately amazing. I called the crisis line because I felt I had come to a very boring end full of blandness and lacking color , the void in my head was so bad it converted to a full body encompassing numbness, Apathy wouldn’t give the feeling justice but a further look through the thesaurus seems to be lacking the word or no words that I need to explain this place, Because it is a place it’s me and my place is in a different slightly skewed yet similar world to most others. I have many things happening in the ‘real world’ I must be brave and face eg. docs, docs and problems, going out. But in my world which is 24/7 Things are dim and the tunnel that spirals down gets gradually darker. I can’t see my friends in this world and don’t give them the respect they so deserve. I can’t see anything I like I can’t feel the sound of a good song I can’t taste a grape from a jalapeno. The day seems not to change time 10am or 3pm or 2a.m all feel the same.
Back to the crisis line, I had just made a plan to commit suicide and felt like I was only doing it because the way I feel right now wasn’t all that right, I was full of all kinds of feelings of confusion like being in a maze with just smoke and mirrors everywhere and the maze is seemingly impossible to get out of. The lady was very understanding but did call the police because I was telling her the truth that i was suicidal but On the other hand I wanted to live. I felt so depressed 100%. Now Im about 70%. But this is 4 days later and it goes up and down I think we need to go past 100 sometimes to be accurate. So I went to hospital via police and waited in the waiting room for 3 hours, I asked triage if I could leave I don’t know why I was a bit delusional and people looked weird. She asked me to sit back down so I did then I got anxious and depressed so I had a few clonazepam to calm down when I saw the mental health nurse i lied and said I was completely fine I was just suicidal and needed to sleep it off, Some reason he didn’t believe me and returned a couple of times before I confessed, Then they had to put monitors etc on me to watch breathing n heart. So I was woken up every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t fall too far asleep. I was treated with dignity even though what I did makes me feel very ashamed. I didn’t feel any feelings of happiness or even that I could stand the blandness of life around me the next day I just worried they would put me in a ward. This whole thing repeated minus the OD 1 day later, Because I am still very unwell with depression. and using my antidepressants every day doesn’t seem to be working. I will try them for one more week but if they cause me to go to hospital again I’m stopping regardless.
You just wish you could press reset. Start again with the wonderful feeling of love everywhere and the clouds rain special reasons just for you or the smell of excitement in the air when the Christmas trees are on display at the servos. The idea of getting a meal and a dvd to watch and even if it isn’t that good movie you still feel like you did something, A block of chocolate to share with a friend and having a smile about life. Forget the terrible things in the past and only think of what you like to do now and just do it. The feeling of never giving in and always getting better, fitter, brain well exercised. A song come on the radio and reminds you of the good times.
The sad thing about the last paragraph is that I know things were good in ways. I knew how much I loved the feel of a new leaf on a tree and a koala looking down at me plus all the above.
Like everyone in the world I don’t want to be forgotten, left out, ill treated, unloved, depressed for no reason. I think writing helps me figure out my weaknesses and strengths in this life. I know now I feel like I have learned a bit about myself I previously was either unaware of or in denial of. I really want to live and I really want to join the crowd of people that live relatively normal lives my friends. They have helped me so far through this even with the help of the hospital We all still need someone to love a friend to talk to and a life to look forward to.
The monster That lurks in silence continues to stalk my every hour but as long as I don’t turn around I should be walking a safe path. Hopefully the feeling of hopelessness and despair will fade in time, any worse and I need some assistance. (I feel so weak when I have to ask for help)
Peace, Salam, Love
N.W
Take care of yourselves even when it’s dark, even If you have to ask someone a crisis line can be good or bad but it worth it before making such a big decision as wiping yourself off the planet. xxx Jeez even just write it down or give yourself some kind of time before you do it. You might change your mind as it becomes too late.
Love
NW

3 Days

3 days and I can’t get my head on straight still. My friends still are not visiting and not answering my calls, I haven’t done anything for this to happen. But bad things have been said about me and its hard for them to be unsaid. Now I must move on or die. I feel like dying after really trying to get my friends back but with nothing and no reason. I have felt like killing myself for the last 3 days… I can’t eat. I’m scared and having thoughts that are bad and repetitive to the point it is very hard to think or write. I don’t want to eat. I hate the taste, I hate the bad feelings it causes by the thought of it. I don’t really know what to do anymore I’m sorta trying to fit in. I can see reality it’s running along the other side of the fence a bit ahead of me. But I still somehow think my track is the right one. I can tell people are getting suspicious of my ways. I am not always normal and sometimes I can’t tell till afterward then I get confused and feel chaotic again. I really need to see my Psychiatrist soon. I think a change of anti psychotic could be in order. I will have to trust him. trust isn’t one of my strong points now but it’s all I have left with this feeling. Or I could end up down the drain.
Peace,
NW

It’s the 16th of October

What will happen today? I don’t know I woke up this morning close to my partner. I had nightmares but didn’t talk about them I just said good mornng and got up for a shower. I realize today being another cold drizzly day I’m feeling a little down. My ribs kinda hurt so I cant train indoors even if the weather was nice I couldn’t dance outside. Which leaves me with a few options. I could play with my rats for a while, Paint with some water colours or oils maybe charcoal. I just don’t seem to want to express much at the moment. Then there’s my rhinestone setter which can keep me occupied for hours.
Im also kinda sad my friends wont call me or really have anything to do with me. They always send messages like “yeah I catch up this week.” 3 weeks later. Still the same message. I’m learning not to trust people again. It’s a good thing. I have past memories of people saying they will see me again only to have them kill themselves or die in a terrible accident or find they have got all the help they need from me and move on. The less friends the better. The few I do trust are very wonderful people and are the real only reason I want to live.
All day so far and it’s only 12 I have felt nothing but angst and frustration. I know there’s a whole day of this to go.
I really don’t like these days. I wish I could have enough time away from the noise. Enough so I can think for myself. It would give me just a little more control over what I do even weather I eat or not today.
What will happen today???
I’m so nervous. I will take my Clonazepam and hope things start to settle down.
I’ll update later and see how things go.
Peace,
Night Worrier

Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo

Nervous. Anxiety and Panic

I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.

I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but  for a  reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.

I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.

The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.

I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.

Peace,

NW

Gonna try get some sleep.

Skipping reality

I almost got a decent nights sleep. I decided to take 100mg of seroquel to help. I have never had hallucinations or felt so weird on it ever before. Thats why I took it. I was also having withdrawals and waiting for my new patch to work.

So last night I had this feeling I was choking. I couldnt breath I thought it was from a lolly I felt like I had drank lungfuls of water.  I then woke up and found myself in the kitchen getting handfuls of water and trying to clear my throat then I walked around looking for the cd stack I knocked over when I was choking and couldn’t find it. Then I worked out that too was part of my dream. I looked for the culprit the mint lollies I was chewing before I fell asleep. Guess what. They didn’t exist either.

So the story goes I dremt I wasd choking on a lolly and my lungs were full of water. I then  dreamt I was blacking out and trying to drink some water but knocking things off the table in a chaotic style trying to survive. I dremt I knocked my drink onto the cd stack which fell over I dreamt I was going to die.

From the outside. I was asleep I then somehow got out of bed and walked past my partner in the lounge room and came to when I was at the tap. I felt very odd. I told my partner I thought I was choking. He   had know idea whatI was going on about. I went back to bed and back to sleep. Only to wake this morning still looking for that stack of cd’s I destroyed last night.

The line between reality and not reality is as thin as paper right now.

I’m now gonna take my morning medication and  try and cement the real thoughts.

Peace,

NW