No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

Crash – To be expected

So Im not talking metaphorically I actually crashed at high-speed on my Longboard, I was asked by a ‘friend’ If I would do a steep hill with a dead-end and covered in broken sticks and twigs, I knew it was probably suicide, My ‘friend’ already called it a snuff movie because it was an impossible hill, he’d been saying in the car the whole way there, I dare ya to do it. I know I am a better rider than him, I have had years of experience he has only had 2 months maybe, So I figured Id at least stay on the board till I got closer to the bottom and either slide or bail, What I didn’t expect was to hit a branch on the ground and fall further down hill landing very hard on my chest then slid for a bit. I rolled over and the guys graciously asked me to turn the camera goggles off to save battery, My ‘friend’ then approached me and asked if I was ok, I thought that was nice of him, the only words I could conjure were ”I’m just winded”  I was in so much pain and had no idea weather I had caused any internal damage, I continued riding and following my friend but he went to far and I was having trouble breathing so in my dissociated state I walked back to where I thought the car was. turns out the car was in a completely different spot I kept walking uphill and saw my partner he helped me walk to the top he said he would drive up and get me, I lied off the road in the bushes to wait for him, I was in terrible pain all over especially my chest.

While I was lying in the sun trying to find a comfortable place to rest, About half an hour had passed and I still wasn’t hearing out car, another car pulled up and said ”hey kid?” ”what happened?” I said I had had a bit of a fall and landed on my chest.  They spoke among themselves for a bit saying well we can’t just leave the boy here. ”how old are ya lad?” ”17?” This added to my confusion I didn’t bother telling them I was a girl because they both truly believed it. Then they called an ambulance. The Ambos arrived and said lift up your shirt, I did and they were a bit shocked to see I was a girl. They quickly got me pain relief and took me and my board to hospital.

I was looked after pretty well in there. They put me in Trauma and xrayed and scanned everything.

All in all some bruising and pain but I’m essentially a pretty tough person. I still hurt but it will go away Im guessing when the bruising goes.

Peace out, Nightworrier. Still on the quest for happiness and Life, Love.

Migraines hell and Trigeminal Neuralgia

On Saturday night I started feeling sick and got a headache which I soon realized was chopping up my vision with black spots. I tried to sleep through but the pounding and blindness was keeping me awake. When I got up I couldn’t talk properly and was partially paralyzed down the right side of my body. I was in so much pain I was scared and the voice in my head telling me I have had enough. I am very edgy I can’t predict what I will do. there is no warning for me that I will just loose it and rid myself of this world take the pressure off the docs family everything.

It’s Tuesday today and I feel worse then I did on Saturday night or Sunday morning. To make it worse yesterday I was putting up lights and fell and hit my head on the towbar of the trailer. Only to wake seconds later with a lump on my head and yet another head ache.

I can’t think of much more to write, I am going to sleep for as long as I can what ever it takes, I just don’t want to wake up on this planet anymore.

I am Sorry, Peace,

Nightworrier

A week too long in Hospital

I initially went in there because my doc wanted me to get my abdominal pain checked out after a few minutes of arriving they admitted me to the short stay operating ward. By this time I was pretty sure the docs were wanting to cut my Appendicitis  out Well after days of waiting they came to me at 6pm on the 28th March n said well lets wheel ya downstairs ( I was/am kinda depressed n kinda hoped She meant downstairs to the morgue) This was not the case instead I went to theatre they did the cuts and when I woke up I cannot tell you how much pain I was in. It was up there with TN, Seeing as I didn’t want to live before the op you can imagine how I felt after…

I took 2 days to recover then came home and thought about some things then realized I am just weighing people down, then they get disappointed with me and I am not comfortable in myself  anyway, I just want to make it easy for everyone. I am sorry I have TN I really don’t want to live like this either, the biggest insult is when people say, Well I have to put up with it as well . No no you don’t you just have to put up with someone who is in agony how painful can that be to an onlooker who leaves because they can’t take it. That just makes me want to end it. People always told me I come first if that’s true then I should have the right to off myself.  Sorry docs I know you really tried especially by telling me off for missed appointments and not being perfectly up to date with everything,  “Have you been? Are you keeping all your meds in order so you take them at the right time?” blh blh more assassination on my spirit, ffs I would just like to tell them my life is hell I don’t feel anymore I don’t care anymore, I feel like an earth reject. Especially with these toxic Neighbours from hell. I really want to take them down before me. They are wasting much more then I am in this world. Why am I writing still I should be finding someway outta this mess. Love to everyone.

Peace, Night Worrier and useless human to society.

It’s Easter, Sunday sometimes religious – sometimes not

My house mates left chocolates and a note when I woke up i really thought it was very thoughtful. I had some friends over last night for drinks, I really feel like having another drink now. I have been so tired lately and getting up again at night from nightmares, I think I just feel a bit out of place some times it’s really hard to explain.I woke at 5pm today and will work out a bit then sleep. I really wanna have a cigarette, quitting is so passe. well I am going to attempt some strengthening exercises for facial and emotional pain and get these bad feelings to float away rather then weigh me down to cider or gin. The anxiety I have right now is terrible and is bad because I have learned that’s a trigger to bad depression if I don’t do something, At least writing this down will assure me that I have things to do and more options then hiding or falling in a heap. I’m still going forward maybe slow but I have more then 2 options now and that is very important. I must go to the chemist tomorrow I have avoided the last 3 times!!! and I think they will be thinking I’m weak. It’s just some days I cant do it. I will do it. Everything seems a bit random and out of sorts you could say unpredictable. Well that’s the way it is right now. Getting better… I think.
I will stay calm,
Peace,
Nw

Bad Morning, Confusing afternoon, Now reveiwing

I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.
Peace,
Nw

Family Failure

I have always been an academic failure, Now the light has shone on the fact I am the biggest family failure to occur. To the left I have my Older Bro he’s cool he has a wife and a beautiful family a house a job. There’s my Mum She’s an all round great and very smart person but distance and me being the lack of soul  my parents had wished for must feel like a let down to say the least. Then there’s my lil bro over in Japan, I miss him so much. He of course is doing well and has a great girlfriend and a huge future. Again making my parents explosively proud of their other son, On the right is my Dad who is an amazing person, very thoughtful and caring. Always been a fantastic Dad to me. He is married and it feels like he wants to be more a part of his wifes family then me and my lil bro. Sure he invited me tomorrow but I am such a let down for him and I’m sure the other family looks at me sideways. Almost like what the hell you bring her for? (Lets go back 10 years and beyond. My Dad my lil bro and me living together looking after each other and spending lots of time just filling the house with smiles and love.) Now everyone is scattered everywhere and everyone is well aware that I’m a wreck. Are they waiting for me to die, disappear, Change and move? I’m not sure. And surprisingly I’m still not sure if I really want to put up with all this much more at all.

Tommorow is easter and I have to show up with my partner only to be greeted with a hug and a comment along the lines how have you been? What am I supposed to say. I’m doing just great. Can’t drive, In pain, Anxious. Hooray how proud my parents must be that after all these years I can nearly make it to the shop on my own.

It’s not that I worry people don’t care about my mental and spiritual health. I guess the problem is I know certain people just want to push me aside and have a different family. This is where changing my name might help me. I am sick of the crap I have got for not being ‘normal’.

When I was last in hospital it was a private matter. My Dad called and found I was in hospital and said he was dropping in to see my step sister. At that time he said he wouldn’t have time to visit me in the ward. I mean wtf? Seriously. So he found the time to drop in. Dad and his wife asked what was wrong with me I told them. When I asked what was wrong with my step sister they said oh we can’t say that’s private information. This is  the biggest load. When ever I have a ‘private problem’ They all talk about it. When I go in a mental ward it’s talk of the fucking town.

Back to tomorrow and how the hell am I gonna survive the bitter looks of the people around me. I have done nothing to them. I’m just small and an easy target. They are big and don’t talk to me. Why am I still going? Because I really truly love my Dad and want to give him a hug and say I love you Dad but I can’t live up to the expectations that are wanted from me. I’m sorry I haven’t supplied him a grandchild. I’m not even sure if he would want to have anything to do with me then.  I just want my family to know I love them with all my heart even if I have been put aside and shut out. I still really love them.

Typical conversation leading to disappointment on a family’s behalf.

“Hi nightworrier how have you been?  (family member)”

me -I’m doing great yeh dancing, painting.  ”

(family) ” Oh thats great NW, So ya still dancing huh?”

Me -” umm yeh it keeps me happy and fit”

“hmmm maybe one day you’ll think  of uni and travelling and maybe finding a new partner”

Me -“yeh … right… ok.”

I am very depressed right now from the pain the trivial dirt that people roll in. I just want people to accept me. Maybe by changing my name or (something)I will feel like Its not my family that’s disappointed in me, I can be myself and not take the family failure card with me forever.

Peace,

NW

Making Improvements About (Through persistant pain)

Here and there where I can I am trying to improve myself. I thought it would help me feel happy instead its just left me feeling like there is always more to do(whether I want to or not). Im trying to fill my days with amusing things. dancing, painting and going to groups. I feel like there”s a lot left to express but I am constantly fighting barriers. I barely get the time to be me. These barriers I talk about are everywhere. When it comes to my chronic pain. I am expected to pick up my meds daily. This is insane.  I have asked what have I done to deserve this. My doctor tells me he has the drug and alcohol department on his case. I don”t receive any breakthrough pain medication!!! Why can”t I be treated for my pain appropriately. Not when it”s right for the department but rather when I suffer.

They don”t see the screaming unbearable pain I live with everyday yet they make rules on how I live survive day to day. If (When I suffer insomnia) I am expected to just deal with it till it passes could be days without sleep or months without more then 5-6 broken hours. Quality of life should play a major part in someones health care. Doctors need they”re rights. They know the patient and the patient can have a stonger role in theyre management giving control back to the patient.I know if I felt more control over my pain I would have a lot more control in my life in general.

Everyday I am feeling fatigue and pain through my entire body but mainly the joints knees and elbows. Severe migraines and two thumbs that got hyper extended and chipped bone. I can’t dance let alone hold a cup of tea. I think you can see where this is going. Not just for me but the many thousands of people in pain being treated inappropriately without decency Where do they expect our hearts and minds to end up if we are controlled and treated so harshly at the same time trying to make the best of a painful life… I haven”t even bothered telling my doctor as I have come to realise it doesnt matter how bad the pain gets (Or what it does long term). Most doctors are more worried what will happen to them if they help a patient!!! Don”t believe it?

Cut and paste the  medical disgrace

http://www.dfps.org.au/?page_id=35

On another note. I have been going out more often as you read I have to go to the chemist every day!!! apart from that I went to a street dance session in town. That was fun. Lots of new faces. I stayed a few hours and walked to the station and caught the train home. That was a huge leap. But not as comforting as I expected. I was quite afraid of being alone. Like a kid lost in a supermarket I made my way home. I walked in the house I think in the back of my mind I was expecting a big welcome home congratulations sign with balloons and a bouncy castle but no. The cup of tea my partner made was certainly satisfactory and made me feel at home again.

There was another dance event on tonight I was going to attend but a last minutes message changed the night. “” Sorry dancers, we cannot allow underage dancers into the event because of licencing”” My dance crew are all 17 and aren”t allowed until they are 18. This is a huge let down and I invited them. They were gonna have the time of they”re lives.  Since finding this unfortunate news out. My earlier conversation with my partner saying if I go out I”ll have a drink (as this is very rare). I”ll have to have it here then (Sorry gotta be human sometime). A treat I guess you could call it. I am so disappointed and upset at myself for devastating the guys.

Well thats my small rant. Trust me more to come…

Peace,

NW

Waiting for Scripts can be Painful

Well yesterday was a shocker I started the day by going to the shop with my friend I then went to get my script for the new medication I’m on. They said sorry we will have to order it and it will take till Monday. Very sorry.  So yes thanks I called around all the pharmacies as did my local chemist and doctor. We soon found that no chemist in my city had what I was looking for. Everyone was shocked.  I went home disappointed, anxious and in withdrawals. I didn’t know what to do I knew hospital was an option but I wanted to make it through. My friend started brainstorming and listed off a few ideas. hospital, a doc appointment see if he can help. So I made an appointment to see my GP.

I can’t believe its not broken!!! I can’t believe this at all. When I was at home waiting for my appointment I had a rather unusual accident which included some kind of knee cartilage damage. When it happened I fell down and screamed so loud The pain was like being shot in the knee then having it set on fire and over and over again. I tried to stop screaming but it was one of those times when ya get delirious with pain (Timing hey?) I eventually came to and couldn’t walk. I wondered how bad it was how long was it going to continue? Well today I’m walking but I cant bend my knee very far without pain so maybe it’ll get better if I just rest a while.

So My mate drove me to my local doctors at 4pm shaking and sick from W/ds. The doc was at a loss but did write a letter for me to go to the hospital and get as close a medication as they could find. I found this to be a good idea and (eventually) ran with it at 5 in the morning. He looked at my knee and said I was fine. My mind was replaying the incident and “ït looks alright, you’ll be fine” didn’t really fit but time will tell.

I arrived at the emergency department. They didn’t seem to be at all concernend about the withdrawals more the pain I was having. I was worried about both especially after my doc said when the W/D starts to be a problem go in. So while I was waiting an hour or so watching old Malcolm maclaren clips in the waiting room to distract myself. They called me in about 7 and gave me a bed to whinge on but I found it much more soothing. I was treated rather well but not given anything for pain relief until 8:30 which came in the form of a script. the doc told me to go to the hospital chemist and get it filled. Oops it’s sunday I finally located the chemist in the hospital and it was closed!!! agh another wall.

At 10 oclock am  on my way home I picked up my script which unforunatly isn’t the medication I’m currently on but it’s similar  and an 8 mg tablet of my new med. these are supposed to get me through till tomorrow. Hope so. At least by tomorrow my chemist will have got the packet they ordered for me (I hope).

I’m shocked again at the little problems that seem to get in the way constantly but I am coping well and dealing with everything one at a time.

Much less overall pain today. Thanks Chemist, Docs, Nurses for all the help. Even if it took all day and night.

Peace,

NW

Peace,

NW

PAIN!!!

A whole night of killer pain. It started as a toothache but the toothache st off my TN so  I didn’t get any rest from the pain even with my new patch on I was begging for help. I used half a bottle of benzocaine on my face and inside to stop the feeling but nothing seemed to work I used panadol and brufen every 4 hours and still I am getting about 1 attack an hour. Just because i need this tooth pulled. I can’t even really afford the dentist right now but my family are helping me out. They really try to help me. I wish I could help them too.

Well I have always dreaded this day. The Dentist vs TN and anxiety… how the heck is this gonna work???

Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW