Fighting the system for Truth Adelaide MHS

I am finally not taking it lying down it’s time to make a change, Many of my friends and people i have known have committed suicide because the Southern mental health system was and is for a short time being run by the Pentecostal Church they discriminated in gender age and were incredibly judgemental. To the point we pay more for people to watch the southern train tracks for jumpers than we are paying for 3 people who claim to run the system, I am getting the truth out. It’s time not just i but many others get help, I feel the main person at SMH is also a predator as he has always accepted young boys into the ward for break downs depression schizophrenia etc. He and his cronies only choose on whether they fit what they think they can push into the church. I’s time for a change and I will not give up I will make it my job to help the others that went through the pain I have experienced. In any other state or country a person would get help for months of clinical depression.

This will change Adelaide. This is a disgrace and the mental health system is trying to be quiet about it.

Time for the whistle blowers to help me with all the testimonials sadly including one that has since left this world.

I am strong and I will change this system!

Peace, Night Worrier

Crash – To be expected

So Im not talking metaphorically I actually crashed at high-speed on my Longboard, I was asked by a ‘friend’ If I would do a steep hill with a dead-end and covered in broken sticks and twigs, I knew it was probably suicide, My ‘friend’ already called it a snuff movie because it was an impossible hill, he’d been saying in the car the whole way there, I dare ya to do it. I know I am a better rider than him, I have had years of experience he has only had 2 months maybe, So I figured Id at least stay on the board till I got closer to the bottom and either slide or bail, What I didn’t expect was to hit a branch on the ground and fall further down hill landing very hard on my chest then slid for a bit. I rolled over and the guys graciously asked me to turn the camera goggles off to save battery, My ‘friend’ then approached me and asked if I was ok, I thought that was nice of him, the only words I could conjure were ”I’m just winded”  I was in so much pain and had no idea weather I had caused any internal damage, I continued riding and following my friend but he went to far and I was having trouble breathing so in my dissociated state I walked back to where I thought the car was. turns out the car was in a completely different spot I kept walking uphill and saw my partner he helped me walk to the top he said he would drive up and get me, I lied off the road in the bushes to wait for him, I was in terrible pain all over especially my chest.

While I was lying in the sun trying to find a comfortable place to rest, About half an hour had passed and I still wasn’t hearing out car, another car pulled up and said ”hey kid?” ”what happened?” I said I had had a bit of a fall and landed on my chest.  They spoke among themselves for a bit saying well we can’t just leave the boy here. ”how old are ya lad?” ”17?” This added to my confusion I didn’t bother telling them I was a girl because they both truly believed it. Then they called an ambulance. The Ambos arrived and said lift up your shirt, I did and they were a bit shocked to see I was a girl. They quickly got me pain relief and took me and my board to hospital.

I was looked after pretty well in there. They put me in Trauma and xrayed and scanned everything.

All in all some bruising and pain but I’m essentially a pretty tough person. I still hurt but it will go away Im guessing when the bruising goes.

Peace out, Nightworrier. Still on the quest for happiness and Life, Love.

“You should really think about quitting dance” Part 2 or End of the world tomorrow.

“The end of the world” can mean many things. Sadly tomorrow will be another day, this poor geologically active planet we destroy day at a time will most likely weaken to the point we do have an increase in natural disasters. As it is we have to live with the current ones. – D

So I went to my dance show, I loved it I was treated real well and felt super supported by the others. I also had the privilege of after 3 years formally meeting one of my favorite dancers, That wouldn’t of happened if I had quit or even taken those words with any seriousness. You can’t kick the dance out of me. It’s in my soul and my heart. It was like telling someone to get over they’re kid and throw them out (Ok there are some cases where this would be the right thing to do.)

My real worry is that well… I’ll save that for next blog

It’s been my life for too long for a doctor I knew for over 2 years I wasn’t going to listen to outside influence.

I really trusted Dr Mark, I feel so strange having a secret only him and I know, I wasn’t serious I just didn’t want any more “Stop dancing talk” from people. I had heard it from so many people who don’t know what I do or what it means for people to see me and get so much enjoyment. He was a great doctor and hopefully will stay that way. So… Well done . You worked me out 😛

Sure It’s great I don’t need to go to the Margaret Tobin Centre again, I’m not touching wood I’m Smacking my head on 2×4. But now I can’t talk to anyone. I’d like to say some things about Mr Mark. But I will keep it in confidence for now, He is a smart person he just made a stupid mistake. He knows I have never hurt anyone. I never will till the day I die. I hope one day he can recover from what I said.

If he was really that scared why didn’t he have me committed or call the police for attempted murder or anything instead he did the socially accepted!!! thing to do and left me out on the street to wait for my ride because after 2 years he couldn’t still fathom that having no drivers license also meant I couldn’t get home.

The only reason the session was 15 mins shorter was because he had someone else to see.

This may stay a subject for a while as it’s made a lot of other things worse. Thanks again Morbid insanity, Your ongoing support has been gold during this trial.

Peace, Love, NW

I think it’s time for some photos for the next post. What’s NW got in store now?

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Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤

 

Change is Never Easy

Berrocca, chamomile, running, walking, skipping, dancing, Meditating, Yoga, Chanting, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, My fitness has gone down significantly.  This is quite distressing. I am trying to motivate myself but my thoughts are not letting me enjoy a moment. Partly because of the lack of food since – well this is a bad run of months Sept to Jan 1st. Forgetting Tablets, Sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I’m sure that can’t be helping.

Every time Change comes I run and hide. The only change I wouldn’t find to scary is to be put in a situation where I am needed. I don’t mean (spare parts*).

The issues with my family have been long standing and aren’t likely to cool anytime soon, Especially with the latest feud. I stand strong with my Little Brother he has made a life for him self in Japan. He is getting married there and working, Even a loving family. I am so very happy for him.

On the other hand I will miss him because it will be so long before I see hm again and life is unpredictable, I can defiantly say that for myself. So I will be happy in my heart he is doing what he desires and deserves.

It’s a pity I can’t say the same for the others in the family, Who have even been as rude as to not talk to my brother because he will be not only leaving the “family business” (that doesn’t include me and never will.) But as they see it he is leaving them.

My brother and I have grown up very close, very close best friends I would say. We will both miss each other until we see again.

I am afraid when he leaves I will have trouble coping with my family back here. They will expect more of me, be much more emotionally demanding, and tin all honesty I would like to say, “Look here’s my older brother who leaves >footprints of gold< If he can stop criticizing or being rude or putting up barriers to hide behind his sarcasm, He is a really good son to my Mum,  My Mum can even go to his house, I don’t think she will visit me unless I leave my partner, (That said I would leave the country as well.) My Little Brother and I have always been black sheep. In all familys we have been in – All of them. Luckily my lil bro proved them wrong and showed his independence to my family, It showed them there was more to the – kids- (referring to my brother and I)  I tried my whole life to prove myself, Music and science and sport. It all seemed overlooked or unnecessary, Maybe they thought I could make nothing of it. Now my family sis still pretty blind to the effort I put in not just to survive, but be successful and be something/someone.  I don’t expect then to come to my shows or that but I would like the same respect for what I do. Putting the trigeminal, rrv, GAD,CF, D.I.D and constant thoughts and plans of suicide to a side and I would think they would see how hard and how much heart I put into living, entertaining, caring, babysitting, local handy person (Even for neighbors that only call on my help for a snake removal, then they go back to disliking me from the rumors the neighbor spread years ago.

Finally I think the situation with them will be under control soon. eg, Hundreds of police reports, (they can’t all end up in the bin.) Regardless of they’re race and where they came from, Australian Law is just that and I welcome people to this country with open arms. I will not accept the behavior of people who don’t understand common courtesy nor are racist when they come here towards our country. eg. Arsonists, rape, discrimination, arrogance towards locals. These are all things my heart and soul stand against and I asked for mediation they have refused. I have evidence enough to get an arrest and I think it’s time to report it all to the police.

Anyone that’s stands for truth and justice will feel what I mean.

Thank you, Peace.

NW

The Show

No not a show I performed in this is the annual Royal show, Show bags, Agriculture, Wine tasting, Rides, No money, That’s the gist of it. I’m sure most towns and cities do this all over the world, It lasts a week and u can guarantee no one has money at the end, Well I went in with 20 dollars bought a six pack of Ned Kelly Red Wine and felt my experience was fulfilled. I Happened to be asked by my friend if I would go with him to volunteer for a stall. I was kinda freaked but didn’t want him to know, I agreed to meet him there and sit in the stall selling show bags, By the time we got there it was already 45 mins late and yes there were a lot of people. I had my Clonazepam in my bag weather I was gonna take it or not was irrelevant I just needed to know it was there.

My old School friend walked by my side till the fire works which was a really good thing to see. I relaxed and enjoyed the few moments of coloured sky. I imagined It was in my backyard and I felt ok about the crowd at that point, After that My friend and I skulled our Coopers and had a good sword fight. These are the moments I live for, I really don’t get the career thing and I wish I did so I could appreciate these things more, But as long as everyone around me calls me a poor /slow girl it’s really hard to build a self esteem from nothing.

Thank you my friend for holding my hand in the tough times.

I enjoyed being with a person who didn’t see me as a light headed empty capsule shaped like a human.

Peace, Love,

NW

I saw and met MJ well, I met Kenny MJ Wizz

I was stoked to hear tickets on sale a month or so ago and as soon as I had the money I bought 2 one for my partner and one for myself. The night started out with picking what MJ outfit I would wear, i ended up choosing a red CTE (children of the earth) shirt and Bad leather pants with the buckles, Even Kenny liked them. I met up with my friend at my house she didn’t know that we were going to see A huge MJ tribute. So I packed my thriller, beat it and billy jean jackets for her and hid them in the car.
When we arrived at the multistory carpark outside the venue we walked to the lifts to go down and a few more MJs joined us in billy jean and bad outfits by this stage my friend was looking at me as one of the people said in the elevator “I spose “this is it”. She turned to me in amazement of the amount of MJs in such close vicinity. When we got of the lift we walked to the theatre, by now she could see so many people in Bad and thriller outfits she started to wonder. then out came the tickets and she was so happy we jumped up on a bus seat and had our photos taken in front of the dazzling this is it sign and we were 2 very happy people. The night was just perfect, in every way. I felt as though I was there with MJ. I stood on my chair in the silence and screamed,,. Oww. Kenny (the tribute artist pointed and giggled) as did many others, It was a really good atmosphere with smiles all around.
After the show Kenny was kind enough to hang about for a while and meet and sign autographs, as I approached him I felt a huge excitement when i spoke to him he was vey engaging and sounded much like MJ. He was very nice.
The night left me feeling amazing, it was great to come home with my friend and play the Michael Jackson Expeience on wii as we both really do well at it.
Well That was it, well it was it, well not quite but it was Amazing,
Peace, NW
10/10

Bad Morning, Confusing afternoon, Now reveiwing

I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.
Peace,
Nw

Three weeks out and theres a difference.

Well it’s been about three weeks since my hospital admission. I have written about it in my drafts but not yet published as I’m just holding them till I feel I should post it. I feel better, I think they are properly diagnosing me now and I have a psychologist now who is excellent, with my weekly meetings with my peer worker J I am keeping track of myself better. It’s very handy to have someone help walk you through the jungle. In the last three weeks I have had some ups and downs but much more controlled in myself then before hospital, Before I went in I had a lapse and hung myself unsuccessfully of course and slowly was blacking out. After I barely remembered what happened but I knew It was another very stressful moment in my life and when that happens I get very confused and lost. So I was told by the doctor in emergency what had happened all I could really remember was the strain in my neck that after 6 weeks is finally feeling better. Today was a bit difficult I was doing what my psychiatrist said but I flipped again and tried very hard not to do something bad, Sometimes I feel like the law doesn’t apply to me. Especially when I am really angry and the things that make me angry would make anyone flip out. I am in another dispute over something with the local council as they want me to get rid of my paintings on the canvas covering the front of MY house (Owned) The paintings cant even be seen unless people pull over and get out of theyre car and look in to my house the only reason the council want me to move it is because someone (in the neighbourhood and yes they did nod when i asked was it next door complaining?) who wants to remain anon wants it moved but I know it’s next door because they want more access to my house and I am sick of replacing windows or having them watching me by standing out the front of my house looking in. I now have a plan in place for when they trespass. They are rude and controlling, This is my house not they’res If they want to be able to do what I do but cant they can get over it, I have had more compliments then complaints when people see the artwork.
It gets painted over usually during special occasions, Christmas, Easter, Summer, Winter. They can either get over it or move. I am going to live the way I want in my house. the letter from the council also specified the removal of 1 white broken plastic chair from the hard rubbish corner which is about 2 by 2 metres. So I moved it 1 metre. now you cant see it if ya staring down at my house or in my property.
Some people are so persistent in trying to ruin other peoples lives. Makes me wonder if they have any time left to be nice or any heart left to be human. They definatley have too much time on they’re hands and my bet is they called the police first as they are always wasting police time. When they do something wrong they call the police straight away to say we did it, The cops must be so sick of they’re petty complaints. Well soon the council will aswell.
Many people feel the same as I on this matter and most people in the area are getting sick of theyre destruction and gossip. The old Mother next door is such an old desperate housewife. She should stop being so rude to me. Not that that will change the way I think about her.
As for everything else, I have a couple of new friends they are cool very rebellious but cool. They are really respectful and really brighten the place up when they’re here. They have only been here 2 days and already don’t like the neighbours. Every other neighbour is kind hearted and nice they say hi when they see me and are very genuine. It’s those people that make this world fine, and livable.
I’m dealing with my own problem at the moment and any sudden changes can cause me to really loose it. I really am only now really getting a grip on it and it’s not really too common but I have found another family member with a similar problem. I will talk about in the future or in my journal that’s not yet published.
I’m staying in control and I will work things though slowly, any rampages and I will see my doctor. Other then that I am skillfully planning the next few weeks. To keep things in control.
Peace,
Night Worrier

Why Bother…

Have friends if they leave you when you need them most.

To get over mental problems when there is only a small chance your doctor will ever look after your physical ones.

Going to bed when the next day is a bigger let down then the  last.

Sleep, When all I get is nightmares.

To  Help when most of the people you come across would rather screw you over then help the mass ignorance.

Teaching the youth the right way when the Adults all get scared and throw accusations at you.

Start a fire on a cold morning When you know the meds make it impossible to control your own temperature anyway.

Giving a statement to police when nothing ever comes of it.

Move out when freedom is always in my heart.

Chain smoking with out a lot of whiskey.

Trying to lift the mental illness when it will be used against me for the rest of my days.

Quit smoking when I like it. (they say ‘life is short’)

Write a song when it will be sad.

Paint a oil when the angels will be falling out of the sky.

Miss my dead friends when it just reminds me about what we don’t have on earth.

Dance if there is no one to enjoy it.

To Wake up.

…Because there is still a chance of a rainbow tomorrow.

Peace,

NW

-Mother always told me be careful who you love

Be careful what you do ’cause the lie becomes the truth- MJ