Tired, Want to get outta here.

I don’t know where I wanna be It’s not like I actually want to leave the house. I hate the nightmares days full of thoughts and memories. Not any amount of benzo or horse tranquliser is gonna kill this feeling. Last night I compiled some work on the war on Iraq etc. for someone I love. I stayed up till very late getting it finished. Got up as early as possible after a sleep full of nightmares. I dreamt of those scary animals that jump out of the water trying to get me and I have a narrow slippery path I have to get past but theres nothing at the end only cliffs and big flying objects. I find this s*** quite disturbing makes me shake n sweat all day. I’m really trying to hang on. I have been havin a very bad week. My brain has any way.

Sometimes I just want out. Two days ago I locked myself in the bathroom busted a razor to get the blades out. Again my partner came in angry as. It made me wanna do it faster. He ran toward me I was so scared I threw the razor in the direction of the bin. he looked at me he was furious. I mean ya gotta understand I spose he would be but at the time it was hard for me to see. I must think before I do, but then again is that really gonna help? Maybe I should just jump. It’s times like this I wish I’d told the doctor that I’m really a suicidal. Cos I need answers I need this dark cloud and horrible feelings of betrayal, hurt and anxiousness to leave my life. I can’t deal with OCD anymore It wins yes it f**ks with my head all day like I haven’t got enough other problems theres OCD to help support the anxiety and the low self esteem should help with the panic attacks and depression.

Does anyone know a way out of this hole?

I am so beside myself there are many of me.

Peace,

NW

Tuesdays – Why always such a drag!!!

It’s another one of those Tuesdays where I’m gonna F*** up everything I go near. I’ve already spilled my drink on myself, turned up to my follow up appointment on the wrong day, run out of smokes phone credit and money. So all my mates will probably think I’m a snob for not replying to their sms’s. (I don’t use the phone unless I know who it is or am expecting importants calls) So credit usually lasts me a long time. I’m not about to call them.

I’m sure Tuesday is just here to remind me how much my life sucks I really don’t want to go out again today. But I have to. I have to see the doc have a chat n get some panadol (even tho paracetamol really sucks) Anyway I heard it’s bad in large amounts.

I don’t want to go out I just want to sit here n shake for the rest of the day. I’m sure something or someone will crack the mold for it’ll be fun” I know alot of the time they are trying subtle therapy on me. Some times its just because the genuienly need me. I really miss them I wish I felt comfortable enough to go out and see them. I feel so bad for so many years of not seeing relatives and friends. I may as well not exist I mean when some people say it you can laugh but I am so non existent in my friends and relatives lives it would take a long time to notice. Of course my partner would. I know one friend that would take notice. And a friend on the net. I only like going a couple of days max without us catching up. We really ground each other.

Today has been a wet dreary but at least not to cold a day. Im not in the mood to look out the window but I assume it hasn’t changed.

The Answer : Tuesdays a drag cos it comes after Monday and I gotta make a video for an upcoming conference. It’s in two weeks so I better hurry up and do it. If I go to the docs – when I come back I could spend about 6-10 hours making it then I need sleep for at least 5 hours then I’ll be bright and ready for a follow up appointment tommorow morning.

Peace,

NW

sorry bout the rambling just needed to get it out.

It’s harder sometimes.

On top of all my problems is a nasty monster that comes out at night called nightmares. It’s morning now but last night I had a nightmare that consisted f me trying to find a way to get of this planet literally (with spaceship) So people laughed at me. I got more upset and determined to leave. Knowing the average human knows nothing of passing on. I grabbed a pen and stabbed myself in the neck. the laughed again saying do you know that will take ages for you to die. so I found a place and a blade and did it quicker. Then I woke up saying “no more!!!”. I really don’t know how long I can take this. My partner made me a cup of tea and Im gonna have to have a Oxazepam 30mg to stop the shaking and the thoughts. I’m gonna skip the Dexamphetamine today. I just cant wait for the day to finish. I hopefully will be fully settled by tonight.

New night hopefully No dreams or nightmares or those dreams I wake up inside of another dream or wake up and see things everywhere.

Peace,

NW

I must be feeling better.

   The last few days I’ve had sleep at night I’ve eaten almost normally and I haven’t been as depressed. A close friend pointed out today how much better I was sounding. Then I realised I am feeling a bit better. I have less depressing thoughts and am seeing things differently in the big picture. I’m not sure weather it’s the Oxazepam or the Tramadol but I think one of them is lightening my mood. The Oxazepam has been excellent for panic attacks. it works rather fast and soothes my racing thoughts. I think I still prefer diazepam at the end of the day because it lasts through the everyday constant irrational anxiety and calms my body down(eg. Sweating, pounding heart) but the Oxazepam is good as a fast acting anti panic attack medication that puts ya feet back on the ground. I hope I continue improving like this. I will keep working hard at it.

Well that’s my thoughts for now.

Peace,

NW

Peace out

A picture is worth a thousand words

On a random drive I saw this. It was quite a hot day too.

Im just not sure which thousand words to use. You can see the police a man and the truck driver and his load is on fire on the road. I kinda laughed. Idon’t know why but it was weird people just standing there chatting next to what could become a huge bush fire very quickly.

Peace,

NW

Went to the Asian Grocery Store

I figured I’d got to this shop I used to go to when I was a kid always get cool lollies there. So I walk in and it’s crowded as. I was getting nervous but I just let it be n walked into a less crowded isle. I found my favourite lolly ‘White Rabbits’ white creamy toffee white rice paper wrapped around. So then I remember I need to buy smokes too. So I look at the smoke rack then see some weird smokes I never seen before. So I say can I get some cigarettes too? The lady looks at me and asks for ID. I quickly produce my ID which shows Im over 25. She laughs and says “You look young” lol I was so nervous. She charged me only $6.50 for the pack. I walk out happy

Heres a look at the pack:

Yeah bright red I’d definatley preferred a blue one.

the smokes were king size. They tasted alright. The price was excellent. Tho I have reviewed a pack of cigarettes I think smoking can be bad for your health. If you want to take care of yourself don’t smoke orhang around smokers. I could go on but it would become a lecture haha.

Peace,

NW

Back Troubles

When I was 19 I did something to my back while I was playing sport. I found out it was something to do with sciatica. My Mum and siblings have both had back troubles too. Eventually my back repaired itself but I couldn’t sit stand or do anything properly for about a year or more with very little relief (Ibruprofen 200mg) twice a day everyday. I paid big dollars to see a physio so I could lie down while he put a vibrating machine on my back for half an hour to 45 minutes. He’d say afterwards. so do you feel better now. At the time I had much anxiety as well and “Yeah I feel a bit better” which was true but only lasted a couple hours by the time I was home I’d be back to where I started from. So to cut a long story short. I didn’t have much faith in the system when I had back problems.

When I was recently in hospital I noticed a similar pain in my back with the same numb tingling going down the back of my leg. I explained it to the doctors in emergency they didn’t mess about the did an MRI and had many doctors check it and verify where the pain was coming from. They gave me some ibruprofen and endone ( I was wondering how I was gonna deal with the pain when it wore off). Which gave me much relief. I could actually lie comfortably.

Since hospital I’ve seen my local doctor. He looked at my back and understood what I was saying about how my leg aches and feels tingly. He put me on paracetamol every 5 hours and one tramadol sr 150mg soon up to 200mg to get through the night. I was skeptical about the tramadol actually relieving this much pain. But to my surprise it works wonderfully and one tablet lasts all day. I don’t know how long this back ache will last but I learned alot from last time. eg. Getting out of bed slowly, not forcing myself to stand up straight. etc.

Hopefully It’ll be good soon,

Peace

NW

Road Trip

We drove down south in hopes of doing a small job. Which turned out to be a big wild goose chase type job with a major lack of equipment. So my mood swings from being hyped up to do something outside to anxious to the max (so many bridges to cross). We drop in on a friend while we’re down there But I felt to sick to sit in a cold room talking or not talking politics. Felt sick as so went and sat in the car and watched a DVD. I sat there freakin out almost so much I couldn’t move to even get the valium. Just wasn’t handling it well. At all. I kept thinking . What are they thinking in there talking they’re probably wondering why I got sick and had to sit in the car. Ah I hate this worrying. I don’t want to be anywhere, See anything or do anything. It’s not the weather, the environment, the constrictive nature of human life. It’s everything.

So it’s the next day after squatting in a choice little house across the road from the surf beach. I wake up with a full panic attack. I reach for the Valium and last nights left over sarsparilla.

Walking backing forth for two hours didn’t make it any easier. I made a cup of teh and som mi goreng ( I love it. I think I’m addicted!!!)

But unfortunatly I just couldn’t finish it. I felt way too nervous.

After lunch I decided against the back ache and to take the dog across the road to the beach to try clear my head.

It was cold, windy and dark clouds coming but somehow I felt some relaxation. It was nice to see the lone desperate surfer trying to get some action on some nice dumping waves. Wel I mean it’s nice to see some one with passion and determination.

I walked back over the train tracks to ‘The House’ There’s still stuff in it the tennents have left behind and they drop in now and then to pick it up. I get so nervous when I meet new people. I guess thats the real reason I went to the beach. I really need to change the music on my mp3 player (same songs for 2 plus months) & I don’t even have a ‘random’ button on it. I really want to get home. Not because theres something I need or want but I really dont like being out of my comfort zone (which is about 10 metres). I noticed I’m running out of smokes but it’s not really bothering me. I have a strange feeling of not needing anything. Well It’s Monday I’m home and I’m bout to walk to the shop. My backs being a bastard but I gotta do it for therapies sake.

Peace,

NW

Saturday Night (Is the lonliest night of the week)

Well today I’m preparing for a trip out actually quite far away. Hope all goes well. It’s 18 degrees and I’m gonna spend the next two days walking a beach down south. I’ll be back soon to report on how it all goes. Nervous now but we’ll see how it goes.

Peace

NW

A whole day in accident & emergency

Well this it what happened yesterday. I woke up at 6 a.m then threw up. then my partner grabbed a bucket and I continued. So after about half an hour of this I decide to have a shower to get the sweat n shivers down(also to clean up but yeah) so I get out of the shower put some clean clothes on and start throwing again it’s about 6:45 now and it’s continuous I dont even get chance to breathe (I swear I took nothing to provoke this). So at about 8 a.m I give in and go to the hospital. They immediately gave me a fantastic drug Maxalon. Yay that was great but it only lasted bout half an hour. They also gave me morphine which worked a treat for the pain but kinda spun me a bit. They did various scans xrays etc . Nurse looks at my cut wrist and says has she got a personality disorder. Talked like I wasn’t there. And no It’s not a personality disorder It’s depression and suicidal feelings. I’m sick of losing the ones I love I’m sick of my own inability to cope and contribute to the world. So yeah they discharged me about 5p.m I was still sick as. So now It’s a day later n Im still sick n cant take anything for it cos it will just be chucked up. I’ll stick to the water n 2 cigs a day. Yeah thats right since I been sick I have been totally inable to even have a cig I can barely move. Cravings arnt to bad I guess cos I’m so sick.

I will look after myself if not for me but my family and friends.

Peace

NW