No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

No Therapist, No help, Nobody!!!

I don’t swear often but, Fuck I am a total idiot, a fuckwit as they say, What did I do. 4 months ago I screwed up my life beyond Belief. The pain emotionally is worse than I could have ever imagined, I don’t want to relate it to other loses in my life but a day a moment that will run through my head over and over, Probably till I die. The one person that gave me trust and believed in me, I destroyed it. Like I do my work, friends… Life. Few people really care. Don’t hurt them or loose them because one day you are annoyed, If it gets that bad just have the day off, take time to get yourself together again. Don’t destroy the things you love or the things/or people who help. You might feel like it with all the rage you are left with sometimes, But I can say with certainty It is not something you should ever do ❤

Now to deal with T.N pain, 2mg Clonaz and something else. Sorry government contract means I can’t say a darn thing to anyone, yes I have no one to talk to, This Blog has kept me alive and slightly less lonely than a person living off the grid unintentionally.

Enjoy and accept help from the great people in this world if all you have left are dickhead friends you’re better off alone, keep your sanity and dignity. Don’t let them drown you.

I am alone and yes I feel suffocated, In a terrible way.

Peace,

NightWorrier

Dumbest thing to do Ever

Say in a sarcastic, Button pushing way ”I was thinking of stabbing you” to your psychologist,.. Just to test the waters!!!

If you do it’s more unlikely you would ever actually do it, I would have hoped he realised I wanted to say something to him, Something that would take a lot of trust.

Ah well

That was my dumbest thing I did this year.

Your very dumb but very loyal blogger,

Nightworrier.

Sleeping problems & depression

I started taking a new tablet to help me sleep because my sleeping pattern is all over the place and not much of it so I kinda feel like a  zombie a lot. In a really last ditch effort to sleep with the help of drugs I tried “Mirtazapine” I had heard of it before but thought it was for depression it is in larger doses apparently. With the already disturbing and vividly scary nightmares I already had this increased so much more with the added factor that I didn’t know when the dream had ended and was still in a position to attack someone 20 mins after I got out of bed.

NO WAY turns out I am now sleep deprived and depressed Low as and spiraling. So I am taking some time off it till I see my psychiatrist during the week. I really trust he does the right thing by me. He really listens and helps me a lot (Normally it’s a month to get in but when I called him and explained  he got me an appointment straight away. It was a huge relief to me because I can’t keep trying to live like this it is in every way – crazy- and the more I try to deal with the problems the more rocky situations get. I really hope today I can get my self out a bit or do some sport to get the adrenaline out.  I will do at least one constructive thing today that has got to make me feel better. I think part of my problem is that I need a lot of excitement in my life, real excitement, I think that’s why I have always done extreme sports.  I want to do more but it’s hard when I am so fatigued, It really doesn’t seem fair having a fit strong body that won’t do what I want.  I really have to push hard.  I hope I can get into some routine soon so I can feel secure again instead of this shaking mess. Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.

It’s Easter, Sunday sometimes religious – sometimes not

My house mates left chocolates and a note when I woke up i really thought it was very thoughtful. I had some friends over last night for drinks, I really feel like having another drink now. I have been so tired lately and getting up again at night from nightmares, I think I just feel a bit out of place some times it’s really hard to explain.I woke at 5pm today and will work out a bit then sleep. I really wanna have a cigarette, quitting is so passe. well I am going to attempt some strengthening exercises for facial and emotional pain and get these bad feelings to float away rather then weigh me down to cider or gin. The anxiety I have right now is terrible and is bad because I have learned that’s a trigger to bad depression if I don’t do something, At least writing this down will assure me that I have things to do and more options then hiding or falling in a heap. I’m still going forward maybe slow but I have more then 2 options now and that is very important. I must go to the chemist tomorrow I have avoided the last 3 times!!! and I think they will be thinking I’m weak. It’s just some days I cant do it. I will do it. Everything seems a bit random and out of sorts you could say unpredictable. Well that’s the way it is right now. Getting better… I think.
I will stay calm,
Peace,
Nw

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

I Needed Help for depression and I got Some

You probably think what a lame title but this is a tremendous thing and unfortunately amazing. I called the crisis line because I felt I had come to a very boring end full of blandness and lacking color , the void in my head was so bad it converted to a full body encompassing numbness, Apathy wouldn’t give the feeling justice but a further look through the thesaurus seems to be lacking the word or no words that I need to explain this place, Because it is a place it’s me and my place is in a different slightly skewed yet similar world to most others. I have many things happening in the ‘real world’ I must be brave and face eg. docs, docs and problems, going out. But in my world which is 24/7 Things are dim and the tunnel that spirals down gets gradually darker. I can’t see my friends in this world and don’t give them the respect they so deserve. I can’t see anything I like I can’t feel the sound of a good song I can’t taste a grape from a jalapeno. The day seems not to change time 10am or 3pm or 2a.m all feel the same.
Back to the crisis line, I had just made a plan to commit suicide and felt like I was only doing it because the way I feel right now wasn’t all that right, I was full of all kinds of feelings of confusion like being in a maze with just smoke and mirrors everywhere and the maze is seemingly impossible to get out of. The lady was very understanding but did call the police because I was telling her the truth that i was suicidal but On the other hand I wanted to live. I felt so depressed 100%. Now Im about 70%. But this is 4 days later and it goes up and down I think we need to go past 100 sometimes to be accurate. So I went to hospital via police and waited in the waiting room for 3 hours, I asked triage if I could leave I don’t know why I was a bit delusional and people looked weird. She asked me to sit back down so I did then I got anxious and depressed so I had a few clonazepam to calm down when I saw the mental health nurse i lied and said I was completely fine I was just suicidal and needed to sleep it off, Some reason he didn’t believe me and returned a couple of times before I confessed, Then they had to put monitors etc on me to watch breathing n heart. So I was woken up every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t fall too far asleep. I was treated with dignity even though what I did makes me feel very ashamed. I didn’t feel any feelings of happiness or even that I could stand the blandness of life around me the next day I just worried they would put me in a ward. This whole thing repeated minus the OD 1 day later, Because I am still very unwell with depression. and using my antidepressants every day doesn’t seem to be working. I will try them for one more week but if they cause me to go to hospital again I’m stopping regardless.
You just wish you could press reset. Start again with the wonderful feeling of love everywhere and the clouds rain special reasons just for you or the smell of excitement in the air when the Christmas trees are on display at the servos. The idea of getting a meal and a dvd to watch and even if it isn’t that good movie you still feel like you did something, A block of chocolate to share with a friend and having a smile about life. Forget the terrible things in the past and only think of what you like to do now and just do it. The feeling of never giving in and always getting better, fitter, brain well exercised. A song come on the radio and reminds you of the good times.
The sad thing about the last paragraph is that I know things were good in ways. I knew how much I loved the feel of a new leaf on a tree and a koala looking down at me plus all the above.
Like everyone in the world I don’t want to be forgotten, left out, ill treated, unloved, depressed for no reason. I think writing helps me figure out my weaknesses and strengths in this life. I know now I feel like I have learned a bit about myself I previously was either unaware of or in denial of. I really want to live and I really want to join the crowd of people that live relatively normal lives my friends. They have helped me so far through this even with the help of the hospital We all still need someone to love a friend to talk to and a life to look forward to.
The monster That lurks in silence continues to stalk my every hour but as long as I don’t turn around I should be walking a safe path. Hopefully the feeling of hopelessness and despair will fade in time, any worse and I need some assistance. (I feel so weak when I have to ask for help)
Peace, Salam, Love
N.W
Take care of yourselves even when it’s dark, even If you have to ask someone a crisis line can be good or bad but it worth it before making such a big decision as wiping yourself off the planet. xxx Jeez even just write it down or give yourself some kind of time before you do it. You might change your mind as it becomes too late.
Love
NW

3 Days

3 days and I can’t get my head on straight still. My friends still are not visiting and not answering my calls, I haven’t done anything for this to happen. But bad things have been said about me and its hard for them to be unsaid. Now I must move on or die. I feel like dying after really trying to get my friends back but with nothing and no reason. I have felt like killing myself for the last 3 days… I can’t eat. I’m scared and having thoughts that are bad and repetitive to the point it is very hard to think or write. I don’t want to eat. I hate the taste, I hate the bad feelings it causes by the thought of it. I don’t really know what to do anymore I’m sorta trying to fit in. I can see reality it’s running along the other side of the fence a bit ahead of me. But I still somehow think my track is the right one. I can tell people are getting suspicious of my ways. I am not always normal and sometimes I can’t tell till afterward then I get confused and feel chaotic again. I really need to see my Psychiatrist soon. I think a change of anti psychotic could be in order. I will have to trust him. trust isn’t one of my strong points now but it’s all I have left with this feeling. Or I could end up down the drain.
Peace,
NW