Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

Tuesday I slept in past breakfast, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse I think the Seroquel (Quetiapine) made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.

I am so scared in here all the time, I feel like hiding sometimes, I think I need to settle somehow!!! Got to control myself so I don’t stick out, ( I am scared they will realize how bad it’s got and I am trying to explain myself as just a slightly anxious person with few other problems.) I am acting as close to normal as I have seen others like (nurses or visitors even remembering how people talk and things) I find copying others mannerisms will deflect my obvious problems. I think this has a time limit tho, I will probably only get away with it till someone asks me something outta leftfield.
mistake,  I didn’t really talk about depression with Dr. Holmes I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am being a good patient not staying up eating at the right time, not breaking rules (I find that the hardest, With rules sometimes I want to break them because they were made, caused a lot of trouble in my life.)
Peace Nw

Christmas…

Is Christmas the most stressful time of year? Probably. I’m guessing most of my readers didn’t have a perfect family reunion with love and hugs. But I’d like to share my Christmas day or not as it were. So I had planned a quiet Christmas just my partner n me have a drink at home smell the Christmas tree, Watch some movies. In early December both my parents had made arrangements and as it was I was not going to see them on Christmas, Then at the last minute they all change there minds, I feel like I’m playing “towers” with my family just so there’s no disputes or accidental run ins. The day before Christmas I saw my Mum and her boyfriend he seems nice. We went to a local cafe and drank some coffee and had some cake we exchanged our gifts and hugs. It would have been a good picture, nice sunlight out where we sat. Was nice just to be out there and even if I wasn’t actually included in the rest of the family gatherings I got a couple hours out with Mum and it was ok.
Then on Christmas day gee for the sake of my parents I should really split this paragraph. Ok then now I woke on Christmas morning with still a glimmer of hope things would go OK and there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. As I said My Dad also had changed his plans. I was really happy to see him when he arrived at the door about 3 in the arvo he and his wife came inside I greeted them and we sat down. What happened then was silence not any kind of silence but the sort that you know somethings wrong and no one is talking. So I try spark the conversation like a kid with wet matches and on a soaked carpet. Eventually after a few minutes Dad mentions there is a problem on his wifes side of the family and Dad being the guy he is put it away and explained the issue. I felt for them but I don’t regard what the problem was Was something you should carry with you all day or even really give it more then a few minutes thought as it doesn’t really concern me much I don’t mean I don’t care but these things are personal and should be left alone as to help others enjoy the one day of the year we must try to get past our issues and celebrate and share love and show love for whatever reason you do. Christian or not. I tried to make the room more comforting and offered many things. I felt a bit helpless in that way. On the other hand when We got talking we had a good time, I think I even managed not to mention (whinge) about pain. So I saw both my parents that showed me love and I felt good about that, The downer of it was that I wasn’t included in the major family celebrations. So I had Christmas drinks to celebrate, lucky for me no real reaction to my meds. Boxing Day was going to be my only chance at a real catch up with family but he real kicker for that one was I woke up on Boxing day in so much pain on and of like a flickering light. It just wouldn’t stop. I started to feel suicidal. Now don’t say oh your only feeling that cos ya sad and hiding the horrible truth of your own life from yourself. I felt suicidal because I know the cures for TN are so inconsistent, And mine being set off but an aneurysm or vessel near the T.N I’m not convinced at all that these ‘new’ techniques will work and wont have horrid long-term side effects. Want an example of ‘new’ techniques ECT which was first used in the 30s. Instead of a barbaric wooden spoon in the mouth and 50 volts for two tenths of a second put on the temples to the ‘new technique’ they knock out the patient with a strong benzodiazepine do the same thing they did in the 30’s but now the patient wakes up with a slightly lesser headache. On the same subject does it even work? Well it’s subjective it might work sometimes but in the case of my room mate in the last ward I was in. She killed herself not a year after leaving the ward. So maybe it works for some but I know it doesn’t work for all. I still miss her a lot.
Again I am in so much pain its starting to cycle. the morning is usually the easiest then as the day drags on things get harder fun is harder to find, dancing and being creative are right there in my head but unable to get it all out. This is really hard to deal with pain an d depression, sitting here writing has helped slow down the adrenaline that was at first racing through my muscles and making me feel like I can’t move and I feel really sensitive. So sensitive a small fight or disagreement with my partner can cause me to feel at ends ya know like finishing it all. The adrenaline pumps I start to worry no one likes me anyway I’m too difficult. I even asked my partner today If I was to difficult, he agreed and in that split second I wanted to die. I’m to young to be a burden like this. Also having major problems chewing my face is extra sensitive as well right now so. You can only guess how I feel about this. Very angry with the pain. With the small amount of sleep I am getting I am getting quite irritable the sleep I do get is usually a nightmare yep those ones that drag on all the next day and get reminded of the nightmare by many things. My partners new way of grieving is being totally ADHD and this is driving me nuts. Just because of his hyper behavior I have also thought about killing myself. Its so painful in my face, Its so painful to watch people who aren’t scared every second a terrible horrible pain that will strike at any moment they eat ice cream and drink and eat what they want, a breezy day won’t keep them in the house. I can almost do those things now but on a lot of medication. These almost perfect beautiful people all around me. I feel like nothing. I am looking forward to a better life.
Love, Peace,
Night Worrier

3 Days

3 days and I can’t get my head on straight still. My friends still are not visiting and not answering my calls, I haven’t done anything for this to happen. But bad things have been said about me and its hard for them to be unsaid. Now I must move on or die. I feel like dying after really trying to get my friends back but with nothing and no reason. I have felt like killing myself for the last 3 days… I can’t eat. I’m scared and having thoughts that are bad and repetitive to the point it is very hard to think or write. I don’t want to eat. I hate the taste, I hate the bad feelings it causes by the thought of it. I don’t really know what to do anymore I’m sorta trying to fit in. I can see reality it’s running along the other side of the fence a bit ahead of me. But I still somehow think my track is the right one. I can tell people are getting suspicious of my ways. I am not always normal and sometimes I can’t tell till afterward then I get confused and feel chaotic again. I really need to see my Psychiatrist soon. I think a change of anti psychotic could be in order. I will have to trust him. trust isn’t one of my strong points now but it’s all I have left with this feeling. Or I could end up down the drain.
Peace,
NW

Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo

Making Improvements About (Through persistant pain)

Here and there where I can I am trying to improve myself. I thought it would help me feel happy instead its just left me feeling like there is always more to do(whether I want to or not). Im trying to fill my days with amusing things. dancing, painting and going to groups. I feel like there”s a lot left to express but I am constantly fighting barriers. I barely get the time to be me. These barriers I talk about are everywhere. When it comes to my chronic pain. I am expected to pick up my meds daily. This is insane.  I have asked what have I done to deserve this. My doctor tells me he has the drug and alcohol department on his case. I don”t receive any breakthrough pain medication!!! Why can”t I be treated for my pain appropriately. Not when it”s right for the department but rather when I suffer.

They don”t see the screaming unbearable pain I live with everyday yet they make rules on how I live survive day to day. If (When I suffer insomnia) I am expected to just deal with it till it passes could be days without sleep or months without more then 5-6 broken hours. Quality of life should play a major part in someones health care. Doctors need they”re rights. They know the patient and the patient can have a stonger role in theyre management giving control back to the patient.I know if I felt more control over my pain I would have a lot more control in my life in general.

Everyday I am feeling fatigue and pain through my entire body but mainly the joints knees and elbows. Severe migraines and two thumbs that got hyper extended and chipped bone. I can’t dance let alone hold a cup of tea. I think you can see where this is going. Not just for me but the many thousands of people in pain being treated inappropriately without decency Where do they expect our hearts and minds to end up if we are controlled and treated so harshly at the same time trying to make the best of a painful life… I haven”t even bothered telling my doctor as I have come to realise it doesnt matter how bad the pain gets (Or what it does long term). Most doctors are more worried what will happen to them if they help a patient!!! Don”t believe it?

Cut and paste the  medical disgrace

http://www.dfps.org.au/?page_id=35

On another note. I have been going out more often as you read I have to go to the chemist every day!!! apart from that I went to a street dance session in town. That was fun. Lots of new faces. I stayed a few hours and walked to the station and caught the train home. That was a huge leap. But not as comforting as I expected. I was quite afraid of being alone. Like a kid lost in a supermarket I made my way home. I walked in the house I think in the back of my mind I was expecting a big welcome home congratulations sign with balloons and a bouncy castle but no. The cup of tea my partner made was certainly satisfactory and made me feel at home again.

There was another dance event on tonight I was going to attend but a last minutes message changed the night. “” Sorry dancers, we cannot allow underage dancers into the event because of licencing”” My dance crew are all 17 and aren”t allowed until they are 18. This is a huge let down and I invited them. They were gonna have the time of they”re lives.  Since finding this unfortunate news out. My earlier conversation with my partner saying if I go out I”ll have a drink (as this is very rare). I”ll have to have it here then (Sorry gotta be human sometime). A treat I guess you could call it. I am so disappointed and upset at myself for devastating the guys.

Well thats my small rant. Trust me more to come…

Peace,

NW

Only a 3 More Nights!!!

The new year is arriving and I have very mixed feelings. I’m feeling anxious most of the time but the level of anxiety has definitely lessen since I got to start a new pain medication that doesn’t yet seem to have side effects. I have danced a lot more with the crew which has helped get me through a lot. Even if I really don’t feel like it.  Then again I don’t feel like doing anything!!!

Christmas. What was all that then? I went to my Dads for Christmas to meet up with family and give them presents. I felt not very welcome, I was not greeted by the  step brothers out the front. Almost like I wasn’t there.  I walked in the main room where everyone was sitting the looked at me briefly and carried on. (Like anxiety problems aren’t enough) It was mostly my Dads wifes family in there. They didn’t talk to me at all. I gave them some xmas  cards. I saw my Nanna in there and gave her painting and card. She was surprised to see me. She thought I wasn’t going to be there.!?!? ( I have never missed a Xmas at Dads)  She told me my Aunty was at the outside setting. I went out there to give her present and card. I was happy to see my cousin out there with his girlfriend. My aunty reacted quite similar when she saw me. Eyes wide open, jaw dropped. She then said sorry I didn’t know…? I was starting to feel strange at this point.  My cousin was glad to see me. A few long minutes later my other aunty showed up. Again very shocked that I was there (at my Dads house!!!) She said she didn’t think I would be there once again. I was feeling less and less welcome. Dad came out and saw me briefly for a few second for use to exchange gifts. I didn’t get any time to talk to him. I stayed for a few hours. Then left with everyone else.

How did it come to this. They are close relatives. They didn’t know anything about my life. In fact not sure weather they knew I was alive. I can’t believe meeting up with everyone could leave me feeling this empty and alone.I feel at this time in my life I need to know people care about me more then ever.

I am still shocked. I thought that having family living close by I could have someone to talk to but as location and situations with both sides of my family I am feeling like I don’t have anyone  go to.

On top of these burning feelings. I’m still quite anxious and having panic attacks quite often. Which is unusual because the ADHD medication usually decreases my anxiety. This is kinda telling me I have a long road to go to find relief from this awful monster. The depression as I mentioned earlier must be quite bad right now as my thoughts about things and the world are feeling %100 meaningless. I hate to get up in the morning I hate to live through the day and night time well it’s just another night. What is wrong with me? I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now. I haven’t told the doctor because if I do he will take me off my pain meds and that’s a quick way to kill someone with chronic pain and depression. I want to get better. I just have very little will atm.

So what do I have to be Happy about? Well I’m trying this new medication that probably wont kill me. (yay Sarc) I have a few friends but I don’t feel like socializing. The end of the year is coming.  Goodbye 2009.

Peace,

NW

The Current Flow

Over the last week I have had to take serious steps to take care of the T.N, anxiety and feeling down. As I am still waiting for further  medical help to get through each day with much more ease and probably will be waiting a while until things work out. But I can only imagine how much easier at this stage. The latest heatwave isn’t helping. I’m feeling quite sick every other day. I’m doing the best  I can to survive the weather with cool showers and fans.

I am still getting help from the local mental heath  support. Without I just couldn’t say. But I have been a wreck and been looking for help from them. I know I shouldn’t because they really are in no position to hear the crisis I am in. Regardless they did help me enough to go to hospital. They did talk me down from a very … place. I am calm and relaxed enough a majority of the time to realize anything I do I my decision alone and I shouldn’t involve anyone or I will just make stress for everyone. In the meantime I have caused so much stress already I don’t want anymore. I want peace. I want people to all be happy and at ease always knowing I’m doing the right thing by myself.

I have decided to do some thing rules for myself I guess you could say. these rules will keep me not only alive but maybe find times of true relaxation. Calling my friends and family more (when appropriate), Paint more, dance more. On the other end of the scale  Take time in the garden to relax. Find time to be alone. less things happening the better. can really only handle it when there is absolutely nothing happening. No colours no movement no eating. Well minimal eating.

After the latest stress from things I have gone to hospital for help I really need they’re help.DENIED again (It’s like they want me to die!!!)(people wonder why I don’t trust the system<—They should give me a reason to trust them.) –  I have also asked the mental health team (only to be judged and accused!!!) accused of what? your probably thinking.  After I told them about the girl they asked what was I doing at the change rooms at that time. I said because I was getting changed. I think they then said something like…”That just doesn’t add up”. “If you don’t tell us everything we can’t help you” I fell into despair when I realized they were not only not going to help me but they now thought I had something to do with that poor girls passing. I stumbled I stuttered and I was scared. I just wanted out.When they asked If I would come back. I thought I could just walk down the street with a dress on if I wanted to be scrutinized and humiliated. I think I left that one  unanswered. I will never call for help again.!?!?!?!

I was called by them on the way home on my mobile. I said I would call them back when I got home from the psych. 10 minutes later I called back I was received with a person who asked who I needed to talk to she then said the person who was expected my call had just knocked off for the day and the message left behind was. Client :nightworrier notes: stop support. No longer deal with. Not that I could be let down any more by any one but again another stab but hey what a stab when you already have multiple stabs to the heart.

I think I know the short answer to that. I wouldn’t talk during the meeting with them. Several reasons. They we not particularly welcoming. We walked down a hallway to a small room. I sat opposite 2 people I didn’t know (though one claims she has met me) I was very confused. Even on my regular medication I was hallucinating and had vertigo I was nauseous. THe taxi driver that drove me there was pissed off.  I had no reason to feel comfortable. So I could not talk and now they are paying me back by not helping me!!! Who’s crazy!!!

I actually agreed with doctors I need to go to hospital  in a psych ward before this gets out of hand. Even my partner can see that. I am broken when I wake in the morning I get up if I have to open a door Its like opening a floodgate of feelings. I feel like it’s going to happen again and again. My Psychiatrist said I was still stressed from the day. It was possibly going to take more then a couple of weeks to feel normal. I just don’t want this to get to the stage I was 9 years ago. Completely agoraphobic and scared of everything. Why can’t they help when I am in dire need. I don’t know how I will handle this Im still  skimming the surface of reality. I don’t blame the system for not helping me through this better. I am surprised I am left with this and no offer of real help.

Somthing is bothering me right now maybe its the 40 degree heat and my patch or maybe Im just feeling a bit like everything is too much.

Peace,

NW

Thanks to everyone that has helped. Excuse my lack of communication I need this time alone. I have to many problems really holding conversation. Please forgive me in the future.

xo

Wish me luck. Peace to all.

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later –  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-

Exhibition (Updated with pics Now!!!)

So I went to the exhibition opening with my support worker. I was glad I did. When we got there I was kinda freaked out. ( I always am at first its a given.) Especially If it starts in a city car park and an elevator. I’m sure it was easier because I had support there with me.

After walking around looking at the different paintings, poems, sculptures and photos I started to relax. I got less self conscious as the night proceeded Then what more would you want but an old mate to be there to enjoy the night. I was really happy that my friends and mentors from the program had turned up. They are all really good people. The place was so hype. Around every corner was a bright different piece. I got to see one of mine up. It was cool. Not my favorite pic or anything but nice to see my work up there. My other painting which I personally really liked was unfortunately taken before it was displayed. I hope it’s being enjoyed somewhere rather then just binned. But either way. I still love to paint I find it very relaxing. Can you believe I just said that ”Relaxing”.(that’s the second reference in one passage) I think I’m learning how to.

When I can conquer relaxing. I will have improved my life measurably. Well I am again very happy that people helped me and encouraged me against my judgement(monkey on my shoulder) and got me to do it. Another challenge faced, Another really good feeling inside. I will hold onto the night.

PunkedPunked

Punked

This was the painting that was unfortunately stolen before the exhibition. (strange story maybe will write about it in future blog) If you have it and would like to return it please call me again and we can arrange it. I would be very thankful. Otherwise please enjoy it and treasure it.

This next one was inspired by this blog in fact.

Writing -another- noteWriting -another- note

Writing -another- note

This is the other one I put in the exhibition.

They are both done in acrylic.

Hope you like.

I will make a separate blog soon for my art. sketches, watercolour, spray, oil, sculptures, acrylic, cartoons and lots more.

Peace,

NW

When will I feel normal again. What is normal?

3:16am the neighbourhood kids have left after there late night bmx session in the backyard. I’m tired but feel somewhat good. Really sometimes company and some good communication and learning can really lift someone.
I guess today wasn’t bad but it did consist of me falling asleep every 2 to 3 hours whilst lying in the sun. I think I haven’t been getting enough sleep. Not allowed to take sleeping tablets without permission by the pain doctor so that will be a while. He’ll probably say no. I can still drink loads of milk and get as much tryptophane out as possible. That works most of the time.
I miss my mates on livingwithtn.org I should spend more time there then I wouldn’t feel so alone again.
Well I just recorded for the sake that I survived another day on earth did a couple of paintings and feel ok right now. Thats a good thing to remember.
I’m watching some nature documentary now so I’m definatly staying up for a bit. Its an aussie one on Mangrove animals with sharks n jellyfish it’s pretty out there. I don’t think I’ll be swimming up north for a while.
While everything’s different I never will work out whats normal.
I can’t really sleep right now too many thoughts. Cant put down pen paper. Bit hyper tonight.
It’s that bickfords coffee syrup i bet hehe been drinking it all night to knock me out (with milk).
Peace Out,
NW