Ok so now I’m Worried

 I have had this awful gut feeling something terrible has happened to my psychologist from last year, The guy that was so helpful. I really hope he hasn’t done anything stupid, he taught me not to jump the gun, I also hope the tough patients he had /has haven’t hurt him. He is only doing his job and somethings may upset people but no need to take it to heart to strongly, I just hope for the best for him and his work and family, He does a good job with every client. Very kind heart.

I really don’t have anything else to say at this stage. I will be writing more tonight.

Peace, Night Worrier

Life goes on (Distraction)

Distraction, distraction and distraction. I can’t even remember basic stuff anymore. I don’t really have an appetite and I can’t really sleep so I’ve been playing a lot of Forza on the xbox. Nice game less killing and violence.  I’m staying calm as possible it feels like everything is too much sometimes yeah I’ve probably already stated that a few times in my blogs.

The TN is excrutiating in the morning.. So is the RRV.

Slowly getting use to the olanzapine, although I don’t think it’s working. The Valium works though  I just don’t like the fast tolerance.

I’m jus gonna keep doin ma thing n hope it all works out ok.

Peace,

NW

More paintings

Well to keep distracted from unhelpful thoughts I got my oils out again n painted. From one canvas to the next they mainly depict the amazing things in the cosmos and animals, I think maybe best to pst them up sometime see if you like them.

As for my sanity, I’ve had a bucket o benzos and olanzapine to get to sleep but i’m to paranoid to sleep. voices are really quite disturbing. The nightmares intolerable the anxiety of fainting is at an all time high. I reall don’t want to go out right now yeah well not at 2:30 in the morning. Tossing weather to have another olanzapine.

I’m totally hating this Trigeminal Neuraligia. If anyone reads this and think they can help I’d be very thankful maybe you have TN and know a special cure. My mate has it too he seems to know the ins and outs of what to do. He’s a great guy but maybe if someone may have some trick up theyre sleeve.

Ill try to sleep again. Just feels like my motor is ideling.

Peace,

NW

Big THANKS to Julian

Painting (Distraction therapy)

Today was good. Nice weather happy people.

The last few days I’ve been working on an oil painting. At the moment it looks quite disturbing but soon I hope to turn it into a thing of beauty. I have to concentrate, (Hyper focus) on anything. I’m jumping from one thing to another every 10 minutes to 10 second. Thats probably why the paintings not finished.
Good thing is the latest person to come into my life needs help with something I specialize in. I think I could get to enjoy teaching what I have learned.

Another friend dropped in today which really lifted my mood to see he was doing well. I’m feeling stronger in myself for having now someone to help. But feel like falling apart at any time.

On top of it all the attack starts happening around dinner so I take some new medication I read about on the net that might reduce pain. Well all I feel is a bit sick n like shite. Probably the cocktail I had because of the awful panic attack that happened earlier I just chucked a few diazepams down. With the oxycontin as well it may be interacting but err who gives a f**k any way. I’ll do anything for a sleep without paranoia and nightmares.

I know Coping strategies but I can never seem to put them in place. I don’t know why the hospital left me this way. I can’t make any decisions for myself or anything. I’m feeling numb, careless, sad. But like the mental health team said “Well If your gonna kill yourself why haven’t you done it yet?”I believe they were quite uneducated and did not think about what they were saying.
I’ll just keep myself distracted and face my problems some other time.

Peace,

NW

Zombie me

So for the last few days I’ve been a zombie. Haven’t said much ate much slept much. Just been well…. a zombie. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused, etc.

Peace,

NW

Stayed up all night. Again

Well last night I had to stay up. Mainly cause I was very drowsy n could barely utter words. I took more then my normal dose of pain killers (emergency) one extra if your wondering. It seems that one extra at this stage doesn’t go down well at night time with Valium other sedatives and Oxycontin. I mean. I know thats askin for trouble. Even the Phenergen on top didnt help me sleep through the pain.

It was only after the taste of the last seditive left my mouth I started slowing down. a lot. real shallow breathing. Couldn’t stay with it. was completely vaguing out, scary as. I didn’t know what was happeneing. After putting 2 and 2 together I realised I’d pretty well overdosed. But no . No hospital for me . Never not if I break my leg or need stitches. I’ll do It myself. (No offence to the nurses) But docs come on make a proper diagnosis (It’s not called emergency for nothing). Plus I’m  sure some of the staff just want to watch me jump.  Don’t wait for me to struggle at home for days while my private GP runs extensive and conclusive tests. Kudos to her.

Question – Why Can’t hospital docs help with mental illness?

Answer – because they’re not hospital docs they’re just crisis councilors half who couldn’t care less. And if you are lucky to have your 20 seconds with the hospital psychiatrist. They smile and open the door for you. They may as well supply a map to the roof. There is only one psychiatrist who truly listens in the emergency psych team. He was and probably still is understanding and as I know has helped many others.

Oh yeh the other reason is they judge you on first appearance.  Awesome traits to have in humans hey???

So in my stubborn way I have stayed awake through the whole night with the occasional. “Oi don’t die on me” which strangely woke me up. eyes not capable of seeing. Only faint sounds of speech.

Well I played X box, Uno and went to the look out to watch the sunrise. I don’t know why but I finally felt some peace.

I really hope I sleep a bit tonight I’m hopeless (no I mean hopeless without sleep. I need like 10 – 15 hours so I’m not full of anxiety. Yeah prob sound like a lot but my only close to sane times are times when I’ve had a clockwork sleep pattern.

Ahh well. Let’s hope for some rest tonight.

Peace,

NW

Woken up!!!

Yep thats right I slept last night. 15 hours or something. Well it had to happen at some stage.

Yesterday my doc put me on an antidepressant which is not really but it is? I don’t really wanna take it. Tossing up. It’s called Avanza®,Remeron®,Mirtaz®. It’s chem name is Mirtazapine . I’m very suspicious. Since the bad side effects of others. I really trust my Gp is thinking the best for me.What to do?.It’s also means I have to stop Tramadol, But the Tramadol was making life a lot easier for my back and head.  The sleep last night has sorta calmed me down now. I’m not feeling the speed of the slope now. Hmmm anyone can you shed some light on the situation? The 50mgs of Tramadol a day with the Oxycontin was really helping me keep my head as together as it does these days. Wjat to do?

Herse’s my antidepressant ratings from the past:

Aropax – Did nothing/ No noticable effects or change in mood.

Lexapro – Bad Hallucinations, More anxiety, more panic attacks, Depressed more then ever. Suicidal. After stopping Lexapro these effects continued for I would approximate a year to a few months more.

Effexor xr – Bad change in mood, loss of interet and motivation, Severe Depression, PTSD got harder to handle eg. nightmares, Patterns of thought, racing thoughts. etc

What will happpen next I’m very nervous. Maybe It will work great but I dont want to be on medicationss forever if it means i get withdrawal is suicide.

I need some time to think and do some more research.

Peace,

NW

7:17am – Am I ever gonna sleep (day 3)

 Well once again I took my meds for sleeping I drank milk till the cows left. That was about 9 last night. I gave up trying to sleep at 3am. I was hyper, paranoid n yeh pretty crazy. So I promised my partner I wouldn’t do anything stupid or thoughtless. So he trusted me, That was good.

Feeling pretty delusional at the moment. What was that??? Sorry thought I heard you say something. I got1 doctor and a therapist to see today. geeeeeeeeez I can see stuff (that ain’t there). Should be interesting. Hmmm maybe interesting’s not the word. Don’t feel like swearing so I’ll stick with interesting.

Peace,

NW

It’s now 4:28am no sleep in sight

 I still cant sleep. all these problems in my head. I can’t release. I can’t just stay awake forever. I can’t even drink my way to sleep. I’ve had some diazepam and serepax. I’ve drunk a cows worth of tryptophane. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don’t know how to sleep. F**k this is bad. I really wanna cut but I’m not gonna. I haven’t even been on my ADHD meds for a while. Drivin me nuts. Can’t finish a … a… sentence or anything.

I think I need to go back in I know that some of them will treat me with little respect but who cares thats they’re job maybe others can help.

The fact of the matter is I am nuts. I don’t want to go to bed. It’ll just remind me of my last nightmares. I’m scared. I get a fever when I get into bed I start getting paranoid.

I don’t know how or why I’ve lasted this long. Friends and family I guess. no wait I’m a narsacistic attention seeker.

How did this world become so cruel???

I’m trying and getting no where.  I need sleep I know that I need food I know that. But actually doing these things is becoming impossible.

Well thats my rant, Thanks for reading.

Peace,

NW

Jeebus, it’s never ending

So I wake up at 6am again Throwing my guts up. I think it’s just nerves for the coming day.

Well amazingly.  I woke up after a few!!! benzo and a beer. Yeah I’ve lived through more then that. I can’t really eplain the pain and turmoil I’m in at the moment. The physical things like my back and spained ankle are really getting to me.Not to mention the excruciating pain of the TN The world just seems so overwhelming right now.

After a night of benzos for sleep and Tramadol for pain. I wake up in the same emotional and physical pain I went to sleep with. it seems never ending.

I’m still trying to pace myself a day at a time.

It’s unfortunate my partner can’t see/understand my pain. It would make life so much easier. I can’t say I truely understand his either.

I just want everyone to be happy.

Peace,

NW