Road Trip

We drove down south in hopes of doing a small job. Which turned out to be a big wild goose chase type job with a major lack of equipment. So my mood swings from being hyped up to do something outside to anxious to the max (so many bridges to cross). We drop in on a friend while we’re down there But I felt to sick to sit in a cold room talking or not talking politics. Felt sick as so went and sat in the car and watched a DVD. I sat there freakin out almost so much I couldn’t move to even get the valium. Just wasn’t handling it well. At all. I kept thinking . What are they thinking in there talking they’re probably wondering why I got sick and had to sit in the car. Ah I hate this worrying. I don’t want to be anywhere, See anything or do anything. It’s not the weather, the environment, the constrictive nature of human life. It’s everything.

So it’s the next day after squatting in a choice little house across the road from the surf beach. I wake up with a full panic attack. I reach for the Valium and last nights left over sarsparilla.

Walking backing forth for two hours didn’t make it any easier. I made a cup of teh and som mi goreng ( I love it. I think I’m addicted!!!)

But unfortunatly I just couldn’t finish it. I felt way too nervous.

After lunch I decided against the back ache and to take the dog across the road to the beach to try clear my head.

It was cold, windy and dark clouds coming but somehow I felt some relaxation. It was nice to see the lone desperate surfer trying to get some action on some nice dumping waves. Wel I mean it’s nice to see some one with passion and determination.

I walked back over the train tracks to ‘The House’ There’s still stuff in it the tennents have left behind and they drop in now and then to pick it up. I get so nervous when I meet new people. I guess thats the real reason I went to the beach. I really need to change the music on my mp3 player (same songs for 2 plus months) & I don’t even have a ‘random’ button on it. I really want to get home. Not because theres something I need or want but I really dont like being out of my comfort zone (which is about 10 metres). I noticed I’m running out of smokes but it’s not really bothering me. I have a strange feeling of not needing anything. Well It’s Monday I’m home and I’m bout to walk to the shop. My backs being a bastard but I gotta do it for therapies sake.

Peace,

NW

Saturday Night (Is the lonliest night of the week)

Well today I’m preparing for a trip out actually quite far away. Hope all goes well. It’s 18 degrees and I’m gonna spend the next two days walking a beach down south. I’ll be back soon to report on how it all goes. Nervous now but we’ll see how it goes.

Peace

NW

Happy Halloween (or Something)

I would love to love halloween but with all those creepy kids n Adults out there screaming n flying around like witches I don even wanna sit on the porch for a smoke.

As for going to the doc today well. I really appriciate the help and she does lift my mood a bit but. I should be able to do it myself. I just can’t. It’s one of those things. I really don’t know if it’s worth continuing ‘life’.

I was at the hospital yesterday due to injuries relating to me trying to kill myself and my partner goin to all lengths to stop. Unfortunately this is not how the hospital saw it. The councilor said it was a typical case of DV. Yeah ok so I’m depressed because my partner is trying to stop me suiciding (makes sense). I’m gonna use this ‘jounal’ of these events so people actually know what went on. Rather then the text book assumptions many professionals and others have made.

I do hope to continue to be here long enough to see the light and have the dark clouds leave.

What really upsets me the most of this whole thing is. I know it will hurt my family, partner and friends. But I’m only here to let them know I’m ok.

I will always keep my real identity private but I’m sure when time comes people will work out who I am.

Peace, Love, Hope and Happiness be with you all.

NW