Pressure and stage performance. Too much pressure.

So this heavy weight has been hanging over me for months. The pressure to dance the pressure to get better, In on mental health workers words “You just need to write suicide on a piece of paper and throw it in the bin” – Problem f**king solved, that worker is a genius where did he learn such amazing skills? (sarcastic) I hung up and said yeh I’ll be safe (bs) I’m completely nervous and beside myself, this is the biggest event I have ever had to compete in.

 Coincidentally alll my “friends” knew it was on and came over uninvited while I was trying to get ready others wanted me to take random recreational drugs the night before the show!!! even minutes before the show on my mobile as I was getting in the car, Now when it comes to one of the biggest shows someone ever does they need 2 days at least leading up to it to get themselves centred and focused, To rub salt in the wounds I had people telling me to pull out and just party,

Even one guy who was terribly sick (keep in mind I have been awfully sick for a month and only just got over it.) He dmanded to visit me the morning before the show I said no no no and he turned up and called saying well I am at your place now can you let me in, Im sick and on antibiotics? I was speechless, I said no I do not want to compromise my health anymore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

SO this is what happens if you start to do well in life.  People either don’t want to know you  or you get stalkers (Ones that drive past and find out everything they can about me.) Others ask when my events are on then at the exact time I need to get ready they call with an “emergency” I can see now after the show how many are now leaving me alone. Australia has a very bad tall poppy syndrome, When they see someone succeeding in they’re craft they try as hard as possible to keep you at they’re level. Even when I started Fencing there would be the same guy turning up to hang out at 7pm when my training starts at 7:30 he refuses to leave even knowing I have to go out and says things like ” oh yeh u got fencing tonight?” ” I wont be long just a cup of tea and a smoke and a chat and now it’s too darn late for me to get there, so I just end up cancelling

It’s come to a point now when I can’t tell people what I am doing in life where or when so I can have a self indulgent focusing and relaxation before big shows. I imagine a metre wide radius around me where no bad thing/words/vibes can get through it’s my only way of really doing my best and I can say friends and people got in my way every second of every day even pretending they had forgotten what I was training for and asking me to have time off to go for drives and have a beer at the pub!!!

Meet ups I setup for people to learn new tricks either dancing or tightrope walking are good because I am just one of the crowd and there is no heirachy or imagined one!!!

I really appreciate the other dancers and crowd encouragement and a few close friends that have been giving me good energy and wish me the best.

The pressure from the bad influences and the pressure to perform well are really doing a number in my head.

I just want to do what I love, It’s all I have left from the pains and problems. I am going to have to sift through my so called friends and ask some to leave my life as all they have done is make it difficult every time I have something on.

 Well there’s my lesson for you all today. Listen to the good things people say and shut the door on people who disrespect your wishes.

Follow your passions and dreams and don’t let anyone sabotage your inner power.Good friends are hard to find hold them tight.

Love and peace, 

Nightworrier.

 

First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later –  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-

My New Pain Management Doctor

Well since I last saw my new doctor I have been feeling phsically better to say the least which is giving me time to think and reveiw my life and things. I’m even getting some sleep now. OK well I have had some help from the Temazepam. I would rather stay on the stillnox but it’s too expensive.

The help and support I’ve had from family and friends hase been great. Even you anons that read my stuff. Just feeling I can air my experience.

Still seeing the psych for my ADHD and panic problems. I still have a great support worker who takes me to appointments I otherwise prob wouldn’t go.

I’m gonna go try relax now.

Peace,

NW

Left Alone

I hate being left alone. My partner has gone out just to the shops. But it’s long enough for my brain to start racing and feeling uncontrollable. I must admit when I was in hospital I did feel a bit safer. Only a bit. But it was safer then being alone. I hate when my TN triggers in front of people. But whats worse is when it happens and they’re not around. I’m left with my own thoughts and judgement which are majorly impaired (re- last year of my life).

I guess half of me writing this was so I wasn’t alone.

If you feel the same way I do. Write it down or play a video game anything you can thats safe to keep your mind from going down.

Much love,

Peace,

NW

Still no hope from hospital

Well last few days have been a haze of pain and depression. I needed to get help from my local hospital. I waited for a while in the waiting room got my blood pressure done. Then later had some blood taken which turned out quite difficult and it hurts when all they get it air then the pressure pulls the syringe tight again. Yeah now my arm hurts too. I know she was trying her best. Yeah that was a great 5 hours in the ‘naughty room’. Till this crisis worker from the local “crisis ” centre M strolls in. tells me were to sit and starts rambling about self harm and how I should get over it and “if you feel suicidal why haven’t I done it yet. Get over it and go home”. I think the only words I got in were ‘”Do you have any Idea what pain is?” In her semi professional* manner she looked at me for a while as to say something witty then turned away and continued to write some other more important things. As she walked back into the nurse station. I don’t know what to say. Could I really be having this bad luck or is this where mental health is?
I at least got respect and got to talk to a doctor. I got to actually say what I wanted and she listened too.

Then I was out on the street with a long walk or a meet up with my partner and get home.
Luckily the doctor called my partner he turned up.

When we got home I was miserable to say the least. My partner made me pancakes n played dice with me, I took a bunch of Valium. Kept my cool n wake up I’m pretty hung over from the diazepam but ya get that. Least I’m kinda sane, Hearing from a friend today lifted me as well. I wish he was happier too.
So I’m writing this down because I need to get it all out.

Peace,

NW

*( I’m really not sure if she is even a psychologist le alone have any training or researches any of her work.)

My Afternoon Post (Personal drug ratings)

So from 4pm the pain got so intense i gave into drugs. 200mg sr an 2x1oomg of tramadol 2x500mg paracetamol,10mg valium. This mix seems to work best of what I’ve got but it still doesn’t stop nightmares or completey stop Trigeminal Neuralgia.

The other day I was lucky enough to find a 40mg Oxycontin. It worked perfect the pain was numbing and light I could deal with it for hours. Pity the doc still has me on Tramadol.

This is How I’d Rate The following Pain Medications:

Tramadol – 5/10 Good because of its long lasting effect.

Acupuncture – ??? not sure yet only 3 shots. No drugs involved

Codeine – 7/10 Works well. but doesn’t last long enough. Slightly better then Tramadol

Tegretol – 3/10 Noticed small therapudic difference but many side effects. Eg. hallucinations, sleep probs got worse, vertigo, nausea, vomiting a lot.

Oxycontin – 9/10 1x40mg Worked the best the stabbing turn into a light throbbing Much much easier to live with. Unfortuatley I’m not got an official script. Pity as I rate it highly.

Diazepam – 6/10 some may disagree with this but I say it help calm my face down and definately getting rid of the anxiety of it I’ve used Valium for quite a while and havem’t seemed to become dependant.

Celebrex – 1/10 no noticable difference just more chemicals. possible minor effect(not sure)

I’m really hoping something will work soon I don’t want to get too depressed over this catch it before it gets that far so to speak.

Peace,

NW

I Don’t think I’d say life is smooth sailing but…

Seems this time everyone is on one side or the other when it comes to my illnesses. I just want everyone to be happy. Easy to say. Not so easy to do. Family should always be close. But sometimes our friends help us pick up the pieces. I will always watch their backs too.

I have a terrible pain down the side of my face the GP calls it Trigeminal Neuralgia. The most painful f***ing thing I ever have. So now Im told this n that about taking the medications. I’m so lucky to have a close friend with the same and experience of it. Without his help I think would have given up by now. His peace and love has been a godsend.

Whatever happened to that dark depression that came from no where? Its all so mixed up now. I’m determined to get through it. All of it. The physical pain is one thing that needs a handle. Next will be the stubborn anxiety and depression. I’ll keep walking the mountain to the top. I don’t expect it to be easy but I feel my mind is ready to start.

I want to see the colours of the world and feel it. I think about my family and friends and I know sometime I will be able to pay them back for all the help they’ve offered me.

Soon I will be free of this pain. Looking forward in life now.

Peace, Love,

NW

Still painful. When will it go?

So today I took my tramadol as soon as I woke up to minimize the pain. An hour later I was at my therapists. I told her the whole story. She set up a good safety management plan for me if things get edgy. Another local crisis centre is sending me out a management plan so if we work together it should work. All I have to do is sign a contract. Well I see what it entail s even the fine print.  I don’t like to just accept something without knowing everything. Safety first eveytime I say.

Peace,

NW

Pain and Insomnia

Well its 5:45 in the morning Once again I went to hospital yesterday. This is how it goes. I was too suicidal to give pain or anxiety medication to. So I said as they discharged me so am I gonna have withdrawals? The nurse looked at me and was sad to say yes. I walked out to be picked up still with pain all over.

They say don’t worry it’s just stress. How can I be happy about that. It really hurts to be in the middle of earth and the heavens. Why won’t any doctors hear me. I’m in so much pain right now and theres nothing I can do. I’ve had the last of my contraband analgesics. So If I live to see the next six days. Im goin to my doc to get some real help.

I cut myself again. I was so angry and in physical pain. I cut the back of my leg. It helped momentarily. I just want to do it all over just to cope for now. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I think I’m pretty depressed. No …… I’m sure I am.

I’ve been doing what my therapist said. Mindfulness and relaxation excercises are a gold things to learn. It’s Just when things start to become to much I have trouble slowing down. So much I cant put anyone through anymore of it. They don’t know how to help and neither do I.

Funny or not so funny thing is I’m making plans of escape. People are also funny. They want you to live. (But they don’t quite know why) Thats what I asked a mental health nurse.

Owwwwww everyhing hurts. This is real s***.

Everyone is demanding to know my secrets. I love these people but hey leave me alone or help – don’t push.

I have had it. It’s my life. Or not.

Peace,

NW

btw fellow bloggers have helped my situation. Somewhat more then crisis call numbers.

Good Luck for 2008