Another Marriage in the Family

I must start off with saying what a perfect young brother I have. Problem is he lives in Japan, which makes me feel lonley like something is missing, he is really the only one that understands me. When he got married I thought I’d hear from him, it’s been 2 months and all I do is worry, all these natural disasters, My brother is a little naive, this really bothers me.

He said to me I might not come back for 30 years, I don’t think I’ll move back to my home town though… That’s when my heart broke and I knew my chances of ever seeing him in real life just dissapeared, I am so glad he is happily married but if I never (On top of it all this has really done it.) I don’t blame him at all for the way I feel I just thought he loved me the same I can’t stand the thought I’ll never see him him again I am going to feel this loss inside that nothing will fill.

Everyday I think of him and I try to get on with my life but it’s not the same with him around. I feel like he has “moved on” and doesn’t need me, It seems more like he doesn’t want to face my older brother and that’s why he wont move back home. Why can’t he see we all love him and his wife but we want to see him again. And a 2 week holiday every 5 years, he will forget me. If I am nothing to my brothers and my parents don’t really approve of my partner (who is orphaned now) We have no support!!! I lost my family when I chose my partner, he didn’t fit the mold so I was disregarded by all, even threatened. I can’t get married my parents wont pay or come. Heaven knows what would happen if I had a kid. I feel like a kid would be kinder to me then the rest of the world but that’s no reason to have one.

Well I wish my brother a wonderful marriage and life. I do wish I could see him before the end.

Love,

Nightworrier

5.22 am no sleep in sight for this screwed up individual. I’m now going to take some heavy tranx and hopefully wake up with a friend. (it will probably be walking down the street with a harmonica.)

Breaking Good

So I finally went back to the dance scene. I had originally set up two bboys in my crew to enter the doubles battle but as the time got closer one of the dancers canceled so at the last second his partner taught me some things they had been working on. I hadn’t battled in about 5 years and although my dancing had improved I didn’t feel my power was up to it. I was. so nervous. my dance partner kept me strong. and kept. going through moves with me.

I decided to take as small amount of meds I could to get through the night as best I could giving room for face pain. only 1cloazepam, the second half of the days painkillers, (this bothers me as I Have no break through pain meds. so I have to rely on clonazepam.) I also hadn’t eaten n a while so we had some pizza a couple hours before the battle.

we were dropped off in the city. we ran across the road to the alley we could see b boys as, soon as we entered we went inside and down the stairs to a basement (for some reason I’m always afraid the building will collapse when I’m n a basement. as we walked down the stairs. we could see some of the bboy dancing and hear some funky beats as we sat looking from afar we chatted and tried to loose our irrational nerves a lot of old faces were there and greeted both of us warmly. this was my dance partners first time at any battle or dance public ever. out of no where he started to get very nervous and was begging me to find anther partner. I knew he was wrong and I knew he would shine once he started his moves. he started to see he could do it. we got called up second round they announced our name, I turned to look at him he was looking stronger he followed me onto the dance floor. we let the other crew start first then we took it in turns. my partner was doing some off the best I had seen he even made up a move a couple of hours before it started and pulled it off better in the battle. after they stopped the battle the judges made they’re decision and gave us a draw they asked for another round we looked at each other in amazement I could see excitement all over his face I must have looked the same. It was lucky I hadn’t taken to much anti anxiety meds I did the next round I stepped back to see the judges and they had again drew us by now we were very excited. K told me to do a mill and some footwork during the second round tie break I felt exhausted and satisfied. The judges eventually decided on them as the winners. We were so happy with our efforts we gave huge thanks to our opponents for the absolute enjoyment we all had such a good night and we are thrilled to the bone by our efforts.

peace,

NW

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later –  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-

Hard Day

This day and night has been longer and harder then expected.  I have been thinking about my dog I have been missing since he passed on in 05.  I can’t help but feel all the feelings I felt on the day at least not so strong but I still miss him alot. Lil Blue pup has been comforting me all day. I have had a tonne of friends over. They always lift my spirits. They have all gone home now and it’s 2 in the morning. I actually really like to be alone. More time for freedom and time to think. At the moment all I can think about is Brusey boy.

Might sound like a cop out but I think I’ll be taking seroquel to sleep a bit tonight. I am still taking the stuff quite frequently to help deal with my problems. I have dealt with them all I can in the real world. Now all I have is thoughts. Not just thoughts but useless/ irrational/ scary and weird thoughts I’d rather not get into. It’s so easy for people to just tell me to think straight all the time and – Don’t do anything stupid -. I saw my psychiatrist couple of days ago and he asked if I had done anything in haste or had any “Accidents” lately while he was away. I swiftly answered ‘no!!!’. I guess I was just worried about his reaction. Plus I had signed a contract with him stating I will not do anything like that.

I sprained my ankle yesterday!!! I can’t believe it. Not again. I was just getting so good and strong. When it happened I sat for a moment in pain but it wasn’t the physical pain that broke me it was thinking about taking the next 6 weeks off dancing again. The embarressment of doing it again. The dreams that constantly come so close to brush by only to fade away. I am so sick of injuries. It was a stupid injury too. I was running through the crew’s bedroom and misjudged my footing and rolled my foot off the corner of a mattress. Ahhhhh. I don’t want to even walk now. My smile is very strained now aswell.

I would like to wake up soon and not feel like Im as weak as a twig mentally. I need to find a way to strengthen myself in the head. Ya know?

Well I needed to air some stuff and now I have I’m feeling a bit better. Off to have my shower then bed and an episode of Bear Grylls to cheer me up and remind me of great challenges that don’t involve red tape.  Every time I watch it I want to sneak out and escape to the wild. Free from everything (Including TN).

Peace,

NW

Love u Bruse xoxoxo

Happy and Sad

Mixed feelings, The order of the day. I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling this way but I am okay. I know inside I will be fine soon. Maybe some more sunlight would be helpful and maybe if I wasn’t in this confusing situation with the law and maybe if I hadn’t busted my hand, so yeh that means no dancing for a while (for those who came in late… I breakdance so I use my hands ALOT). Its also quite hard to draw and paint. lucky I can still think and type. (Maybe slow but it’s worth it)

Had a bit of trouble in the middle of the night (why is it always at that time?) I guess because that’s when I’m truly exhausted from the day and I can’t take anymore stress that plays on my mind. It’s sometimes very hard to shut down. Woke up again in sweats from the fentanyl wearing off in my sleep. It’s quite a hard medication to keep level. Even with my safe method of usage. I really need to be changed to something else soon. It will happen I know.

Two days ago my dog Bonny had some puppies. That was a charm. The pups are beautiful. There is one a little one different colour and size to the others I guess you could call her the runt but I think little one is a better title for her. The others are all big and strong.  Six pups all up 2 boys 4 girls. I was told that made me a grandma now. Funny because Bonny really looks for help from me sometimes. I just watch them and try and keep them calm and quiet so Bonz get some rest.

So with all this I have a lot of animals to care for and concentrate on.  I think for at least 6 weeks. So it’ll be around my birthday when the pups are running around and chewing everything in sight. Watching my Bonz care for them brings such happiness. How can anyone be sad with all these little hearts needing some love. I’ll be fine.

Peace,

NW

Love ya all. xo

This ones for my Friends who’ve kept me Alive

Ya’ll know who you are. The ones I’ve spilled my heart out to. They’ve been there solid for me. I have let them down by not being as with it. But they continue to help me and push me in the right direction. I’m doing my best to stay here. I love all you guys. Weather they be nurses or fellow bloggers PA thankyou. And Julian if only we could really meet. Like I said I love you all.

Peace,

NW