No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

“You should really think about moving on from dancing!” Part 1

These are the wise words from my psychologist don’t get me wrong he was helpful in almost every other aspect, saying this was just like telling an artist to throw out their brushes and move to playing professional snooker. It was completely unexpected, I am just reaching peak fitness again and he says that!!!. It’s lucky he ironically gave me coping strategies to deal with times people say things like that.

Though Dr H****s was a great doctor and I am still a bit shocked he took this so seriously, I know in his mind he knows it wasn’t for real and he knows it wasn’t him I was angry at. For the sake of truth I will scan the letter he sent me to show how rude it was. I mean the language was fine but the clear undertone and lack of letting the patient (me) have any say at all just seem totally unjust. This wasn’t an angry centerlink worker or a bus driver this was my psychologist the person who is supposed to understand my problems as they have been all laid on the table for him to see yet the only thing I see laid out in front of him is an Ipad, Which was swapped from a diary not long ago and may have acted as a barrier between us, As as soon as he started using it I would dread the next time he picked it up to me it felt like he was more interested in using the calender for the next appointment than really listening to my wishes, I had hoped he had seen more of my dance work before he judged my capacity to dance on a national level.

He sounds like he wants to show me he is doing the best for his kids and that he is a good Dad, That was already proven by the paintings on his walls. I really thought he had more smarts than that.

And especially to really leave me out in the cold, Well the proof is here I am coping well I might be drinking a bit more than I use to but we all need a break from such intense stress in our lives. I have a few really good friends getting me through this thanks FFC thanks Julian thanks M thanks Morbid and thanks to my partner for helping me through as much as humanly possible. Thanks to my family I know your thinking of me. xo

So a doctor review would be in order right? I mean one by me. I may not be able to talk to him but I can help anyone who gets him understand some things about him. The good the bad and yes the ugly.

He loves DBT!!! Without giving much understanding of my situation he wanted me to do it. I didn’t want to because I don’t believe it will suit my condition, I think it’s the latest fad Mental health phenomena like CBT some people will get help and the people it doesn’t suit will waste another six months struggling with thoughts and actions . Pushing people in the deep end has never worked in the past in mental illness and with my social phobias being in a group situation once a week is really really hard I have done much therapy 2 inpatients stay and social situations still scare me just as much. Talking eating, or just being in the same room. I feel like people judge me a lot and its not paranoia they really do, I am not very girl looking and about 50 percent of the time both genders of all ages think I am a boy, Now most of the time this doesn’t bother me (long story  but sometimes it really upsets me, Not only that I dress like I dance sometimes and because I break I dress with loose pants, sneakers and a shirt or in the eyes of a by passer someone who doesn’t care for being sexually attractive. I was hoping people would see me attractive because of my personality not my dress code and hair styles, But Even when people don’t want to judge it’s like a built-in instinct, Only the people who know me or have read this over time would have any idea what I am really like.

I better run I gotta train. I have a dance show!!! on today wish me luck, Peace and love,

Nightworrier xo

Another Marriage in the Family

I must start off with saying what a perfect young brother I have. Problem is he lives in Japan, which makes me feel lonley like something is missing, he is really the only one that understands me. When he got married I thought I’d hear from him, it’s been 2 months and all I do is worry, all these natural disasters, My brother is a little naive, this really bothers me.

He said to me I might not come back for 30 years, I don’t think I’ll move back to my home town though… That’s when my heart broke and I knew my chances of ever seeing him in real life just dissapeared, I am so glad he is happily married but if I never (On top of it all this has really done it.) I don’t blame him at all for the way I feel I just thought he loved me the same I can’t stand the thought I’ll never see him him again I am going to feel this loss inside that nothing will fill.

Everyday I think of him and I try to get on with my life but it’s not the same with him around. I feel like he has “moved on” and doesn’t need me, It seems more like he doesn’t want to face my older brother and that’s why he wont move back home. Why can’t he see we all love him and his wife but we want to see him again. And a 2 week holiday every 5 years, he will forget me. If I am nothing to my brothers and my parents don’t really approve of my partner (who is orphaned now) We have no support!!! I lost my family when I chose my partner, he didn’t fit the mold so I was disregarded by all, even threatened. I can’t get married my parents wont pay or come. Heaven knows what would happen if I had a kid. I feel like a kid would be kinder to me then the rest of the world but that’s no reason to have one.

Well I wish my brother a wonderful marriage and life. I do wish I could see him before the end.

Love,

Nightworrier

5.22 am no sleep in sight for this screwed up individual. I’m now going to take some heavy tranx and hopefully wake up with a friend. (it will probably be walking down the street with a harmonica.)

Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤

 

Change is Never Easy

Berrocca, chamomile, running, walking, skipping, dancing, Meditating, Yoga, Chanting, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, My fitness has gone down significantly.  This is quite distressing. I am trying to motivate myself but my thoughts are not letting me enjoy a moment. Partly because of the lack of food since – well this is a bad run of months Sept to Jan 1st. Forgetting Tablets, Sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I’m sure that can’t be helping.

Every time Change comes I run and hide. The only change I wouldn’t find to scary is to be put in a situation where I am needed. I don’t mean (spare parts*).

The issues with my family have been long standing and aren’t likely to cool anytime soon, Especially with the latest feud. I stand strong with my Little Brother he has made a life for him self in Japan. He is getting married there and working, Even a loving family. I am so very happy for him.

On the other hand I will miss him because it will be so long before I see hm again and life is unpredictable, I can defiantly say that for myself. So I will be happy in my heart he is doing what he desires and deserves.

It’s a pity I can’t say the same for the others in the family, Who have even been as rude as to not talk to my brother because he will be not only leaving the “family business” (that doesn’t include me and never will.) But as they see it he is leaving them.

My brother and I have grown up very close, very close best friends I would say. We will both miss each other until we see again.

I am afraid when he leaves I will have trouble coping with my family back here. They will expect more of me, be much more emotionally demanding, and tin all honesty I would like to say, “Look here’s my older brother who leaves >footprints of gold< If he can stop criticizing or being rude or putting up barriers to hide behind his sarcasm, He is a really good son to my Mum,  My Mum can even go to his house, I don’t think she will visit me unless I leave my partner, (That said I would leave the country as well.) My Little Brother and I have always been black sheep. In all familys we have been in – All of them. Luckily my lil bro proved them wrong and showed his independence to my family, It showed them there was more to the – kids- (referring to my brother and I)  I tried my whole life to prove myself, Music and science and sport. It all seemed overlooked or unnecessary, Maybe they thought I could make nothing of it. Now my family sis still pretty blind to the effort I put in not just to survive, but be successful and be something/someone.  I don’t expect then to come to my shows or that but I would like the same respect for what I do. Putting the trigeminal, rrv, GAD,CF, D.I.D and constant thoughts and plans of suicide to a side and I would think they would see how hard and how much heart I put into living, entertaining, caring, babysitting, local handy person (Even for neighbors that only call on my help for a snake removal, then they go back to disliking me from the rumors the neighbor spread years ago.

Finally I think the situation with them will be under control soon. eg, Hundreds of police reports, (they can’t all end up in the bin.) Regardless of they’re race and where they came from, Australian Law is just that and I welcome people to this country with open arms. I will not accept the behavior of people who don’t understand common courtesy nor are racist when they come here towards our country. eg. Arsonists, rape, discrimination, arrogance towards locals. These are all things my heart and soul stand against and I asked for mediation they have refused. I have evidence enough to get an arrest and I think it’s time to report it all to the police.

Anyone that’s stands for truth and justice will feel what I mean.

Thank you, Peace.

NW

First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

A Mental Mind Fuck (A story about a guy named John)

I don’t know how long it’s been since I have felt normal (my normal). Feels like way too long. Trying to break free of the evil curse that is most of my life. How would one go around this extensive problem, Write a list of pros and cons, Go see a specialist!!!, Make new friends, Learn how to walk a tight rope (no seriously), Try and piece it all back together or go the easy way out.
I wanna try. I think I want to live, Just I might let down a few people… But is that anyway to live. Example, A a man walks by and says to a depressed man on his patio “Hi John how’s your day?” John says “Well just splendid” “This morning I got up hated myself a little more and am staying alive for the sake of a few people” “That’s nice *faces away back on his journey* – I’m going for a jog see ya! (but in reality they don’t really ever want to see you again.) So how does John feel now? Better or worse? What if this happens everyday. Do you think John would get lonely even more depressed then he even thought he could be. I think so. I think John and I have a lot in common.
I am trying and have been trying to fit in to this … society since as far back as I can remember. Just about everything I did or tried was ridiculed by others. I kept my head up and moved on. I’m really sick of doing this. Thank you to the ones that believed in me and still do. You are gold people you shine in the dark.
Tomorrow is another day. And just maybe a new friend will appear or maybe I will have to invent some.
I have still a handful of people who live around this planet I will love forever as friends. If I have to say goodbye to my current ones so I don’t get hurt anymore. So be it. It still hurts though.
Peace out,
NW

Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo

Family Failure

I have always been an academic failure, Now the light has shone on the fact I am the biggest family failure to occur. To the left I have my Older Bro he’s cool he has a wife and a beautiful family a house a job. There’s my Mum She’s an all round great and very smart person but distance and me being the lack of soul  my parents had wished for must feel like a let down to say the least. Then there’s my lil bro over in Japan, I miss him so much. He of course is doing well and has a great girlfriend and a huge future. Again making my parents explosively proud of their other son, On the right is my Dad who is an amazing person, very thoughtful and caring. Always been a fantastic Dad to me. He is married and it feels like he wants to be more a part of his wifes family then me and my lil bro. Sure he invited me tomorrow but I am such a let down for him and I’m sure the other family looks at me sideways. Almost like what the hell you bring her for? (Lets go back 10 years and beyond. My Dad my lil bro and me living together looking after each other and spending lots of time just filling the house with smiles and love.) Now everyone is scattered everywhere and everyone is well aware that I’m a wreck. Are they waiting for me to die, disappear, Change and move? I’m not sure. And surprisingly I’m still not sure if I really want to put up with all this much more at all.

Tommorow is easter and I have to show up with my partner only to be greeted with a hug and a comment along the lines how have you been? What am I supposed to say. I’m doing just great. Can’t drive, In pain, Anxious. Hooray how proud my parents must be that after all these years I can nearly make it to the shop on my own.

It’s not that I worry people don’t care about my mental and spiritual health. I guess the problem is I know certain people just want to push me aside and have a different family. This is where changing my name might help me. I am sick of the crap I have got for not being ‘normal’.

When I was last in hospital it was a private matter. My Dad called and found I was in hospital and said he was dropping in to see my step sister. At that time he said he wouldn’t have time to visit me in the ward. I mean wtf? Seriously. So he found the time to drop in. Dad and his wife asked what was wrong with me I told them. When I asked what was wrong with my step sister they said oh we can’t say that’s private information. This is  the biggest load. When ever I have a ‘private problem’ They all talk about it. When I go in a mental ward it’s talk of the fucking town.

Back to tomorrow and how the hell am I gonna survive the bitter looks of the people around me. I have done nothing to them. I’m just small and an easy target. They are big and don’t talk to me. Why am I still going? Because I really truly love my Dad and want to give him a hug and say I love you Dad but I can’t live up to the expectations that are wanted from me. I’m sorry I haven’t supplied him a grandchild. I’m not even sure if he would want to have anything to do with me then.  I just want my family to know I love them with all my heart even if I have been put aside and shut out. I still really love them.

Typical conversation leading to disappointment on a family’s behalf.

“Hi nightworrier how have you been?  (family member)”

me -I’m doing great yeh dancing, painting.  ”

(family) ” Oh thats great NW, So ya still dancing huh?”

Me -” umm yeh it keeps me happy and fit”

“hmmm maybe one day you’ll think  of uni and travelling and maybe finding a new partner”

Me -“yeh … right… ok.”

I am very depressed right now from the pain the trivial dirt that people roll in. I just want people to accept me. Maybe by changing my name or (something)I will feel like Its not my family that’s disappointed in me, I can be myself and not take the family failure card with me forever.

Peace,

NW