7:17am – Am I ever gonna sleep (day 3)

 Well once again I took my meds for sleeping I drank milk till the cows left. That was about 9 last night. I gave up trying to sleep at 3am. I was hyper, paranoid n yeh pretty crazy. So I promised my partner I wouldn’t do anything stupid or thoughtless. So he trusted me, That was good.

Feeling pretty delusional at the moment. What was that??? Sorry thought I heard you say something. I got1 doctor and a therapist to see today. geeeeeeeeez I can see stuff (that ain’t there). Should be interesting. Hmmm maybe interesting’s not the word. Don’t feel like swearing so I’ll stick with interesting.

Peace,

NW

The Black Dog

Literally I was just sitting out the front when a big black dog came and sat next to me. A real sweety too. At the time I was on the phone to Julian. It was a very strange thing to have happen.

Peace,

NW

It’s now 4:28am no sleep in sight

 I still cant sleep. all these problems in my head. I can’t release. I can’t just stay awake forever. I can’t even drink my way to sleep. I’ve had some diazepam and serepax. I’ve drunk a cows worth of tryptophane. I feel numb. I feel scared. I don’t know how to sleep. F**k this is bad. I really wanna cut but I’m not gonna. I haven’t even been on my ADHD meds for a while. Drivin me nuts. Can’t finish a … a… sentence or anything.

I think I need to go back in I know that some of them will treat me with little respect but who cares thats they’re job maybe others can help.

The fact of the matter is I am nuts. I don’t want to go to bed. It’ll just remind me of my last nightmares. I’m scared. I get a fever when I get into bed I start getting paranoid.

I don’t know how or why I’ve lasted this long. Friends and family I guess. no wait I’m a narsacistic attention seeker.

How did this world become so cruel???

I’m trying and getting no where.  I need sleep I know that I need food I know that. But actually doing these things is becoming impossible.

Well thats my rant, Thanks for reading.

Peace,

NW

Crisis call at 2am it’s 5am now

So I stupidly call these guys some who are just complete wankers. Cos I got a nice big knife ready to stab myself with. Which caused a stir in the house.

So I’m on the phone to this really not understanding guy who see’s no problem only that im a narsasistic egotistical person. He said well ya mustn’t care much for your partner if your gonna top yourself. He was completely arrogant he didn’t understand what my problems were and how bad they got. And the fact I’ve had nightmares, ptsd, ocd, panic disorder, racing thoughts for a very long time. Im having a hard time controlling it. Let alone a tropical virus a f**ked back , sprained ankle, Trigeminal neuralgia and a family that doesn’t really get me.

He just kept referring me to see my therapist and kept saying ‘look you’ve had therapy for x amount of months you should know how to deal with everything. Well here some news I’m f**ken ADHD and I forget everything (yay for cognative process)

Now with that list of problems not even super councilor from the planet Psych could cover half my problems.

I’m very grateful that my therapist has helped me so much with my OCD an Agoraphobia. But she can’t be expected to cover all bases. She is a super therapist. I’m just a slow patient.

I don’t know what I’m gonna do now but I’ll hang on the earth a bit longer just to piss people off as one said.

So now I feel worse then before I called. Again thank you to the very competent Mental Health Team.

I just can’t take it anymore. How f***n blind can some people be. Yes I know there are strings that need tying and friends that need apologies.

I can’t think straight at all.

Peace,

NW

What the???

 So yesterday evening we go for a drive to check out this bloke passed out in his car engine on and one wheel spinning of the driveway. I walked up to the car n reached in and turned the car off. then tried to wake the driver or not driver. after tapping him a bit to arous him after a while he slowly awoke with a large amount of drool to the car seat. I asked if he was alright. He just talked about the weather quite slurry.  I waited a bit to see if he was ok . He assured me with some noises and grunts he’d jack his car up back onto the pavement. I was satisfied with that and left.

It was really quite surreal. I don’t usually approach strangers passed out in their car. Its the ADHD that makes me do that.

Well I hope he’s doin ok now.

Strange post I know but these strange things in life just seem to pop up now n then n this was one of them.

Peace,

NW

Community management plan contract that they want signed

Here is the contract the crisis sent to me. (If you unaware of this letter check out the post called crisis centre contract.) I found it amusing yet disturbing to. The inaccuracy of me is outstandingly incompetent, Incorrect and judgemental. They have known me for a year at least. At the hospital I have had many drug screens. Never has there been something come up. Well heres the long awaited truth of the Australian mental health system. From a 26 yo female.

I will scan the next and last page also showing more inaccuracies.

This a a sad state of affairs.

I hope others get treated better then this.

Peace,

NW

BTW I’m sorry my scanning skills aren’t up to date best I could do.

This ones for my Friends who’ve kept me Alive

Ya’ll know who you are. The ones I’ve spilled my heart out to. They’ve been there solid for me. I have let them down by not being as with it. But they continue to help me and push me in the right direction. I’m doing my best to stay here. I love all you guys. Weather they be nurses or fellow bloggers PA thankyou. And Julian if only we could really meet. Like I said I love you all.

Peace,

NW

Back from Hospital (again)

So I woke up yesterday after a terrible night of nightmares. Decided I’d had enough I wish there was no conflict in my family and we could all accept each other and get along. It seems that is the exact opposite. I felt like I cant pull them together and I felt very lost. Id had enough of the pain as well and cant see an end to it.
I told my psychologist how i was feeling because I have doubts yet strong feelings about suicide. I don’t know what I want or need. She understood me clearly. My therapist and I went out to talk to my partner about it but he didn’t want a bar of it. So my therapist walked me to the A & E. They treated me well there. But really failed the next day upon awakening and going into the interview with a bucket ‘o’ psychs who looked at me and asked how I felt I said I felt sh**. one of them in his PROFESSIONAL opinion said “you don’t look very suicidal” — please tell me what does a suicidal person look like. Just cos I wasn’t going nuts it doesn’t mean that wasn’t happening on the inside. I’m feeling very numb right now so don’t expect this blog to make much sense. So they said I was fit mentally all I needed was a head scan to check if a fracture was causing the TN and try me on a drug called neurontin. Call me uneducated but shouldn’t you address someones suicidal ideation before trying new drugs esp. Gabapentin. I wasn’t gonna hang around so they could fu** me over with these drugs which has a strong link with suicide (google it wiki it). I discharged myself about midday n felt nothing had been addressed. I just wanna try relax as much as possible now. Why am I like this???
Peace,

NW

Finally some relief

Well yeaterday I’d had enough of the pain. I’d barely slept and couldn’t realx for more then five minutes. I’ve really had it with this TN s**t. It’s caused me to cut and do all kinds of f**ked up stuff. I’ve haven’t exactlty been the greatest girlfriend one could have.

Today I saw the Doc she could clearly see how it was wearing me down and I needed something stronger for the pain so she prescribed me Oxycontin Which I had just a few days ago it worked amazingly. I think I’m finally getting some relief and this is the next day. my mood is a bit brighter too.

I think I’ll finally get some sleep and eat properly again. I hope the TN doesn’t last much longer.

I’m gonna see a dentist and see if its a tooth thats causing the problem. A good Idea the Doc had.

Peace,

NW

My Afternoon Post (Personal drug ratings)

So from 4pm the pain got so intense i gave into drugs. 200mg sr an 2x1oomg of tramadol 2x500mg paracetamol,10mg valium. This mix seems to work best of what I’ve got but it still doesn’t stop nightmares or completey stop Trigeminal Neuralgia.

The other day I was lucky enough to find a 40mg Oxycontin. It worked perfect the pain was numbing and light I could deal with it for hours. Pity the doc still has me on Tramadol.

This is How I’d Rate The following Pain Medications:

Tramadol – 5/10 Good because of its long lasting effect.

Acupuncture – ??? not sure yet only 3 shots. No drugs involved

Codeine – 7/10 Works well. but doesn’t last long enough. Slightly better then Tramadol

Tegretol – 3/10 Noticed small therapudic difference but many side effects. Eg. hallucinations, sleep probs got worse, vertigo, nausea, vomiting a lot.

Oxycontin – 9/10 1x40mg Worked the best the stabbing turn into a light throbbing Much much easier to live with. Unfortuatley I’m not got an official script. Pity as I rate it highly.

Diazepam – 6/10 some may disagree with this but I say it help calm my face down and definately getting rid of the anxiety of it I’ve used Valium for quite a while and havem’t seemed to become dependant.

Celebrex – 1/10 no noticable difference just more chemicals. possible minor effect(not sure)

I’m really hoping something will work soon I don’t want to get too depressed over this catch it before it gets that far so to speak.

Peace,

NW