Cinema Trip

On wed the 10TH my peer worker suggested we go see a movie, normally I would not need to think about it I would jut say no. but after knowing my peer worker for a,while I knew I wold feel safe, so I stepped a bit further out of my zone by going to a big mall where the cinema was situated.So I followed my support work. most of the time I kept my anxiety under control. the bursts of pain were minimal which is always lucky as i still don’t have breakthrough painkillers.

I can’t believe the difference a year ago I would have said no to it. I went to my first movie in 7 years last years in November when I saw this is it. I was so into the movie I was barely looking for the exit signs.. I enjoyed the movie and felt good that I went. I’m feeling better about going out I think… I’m pretty sure. only once or twice did I start to wonder if people were staring at me. my rational mind kicked in. I realized I wasn’t alone. A great day. I rarely feel th success I did after that.

Peace,

NW

Nervous. Anxiety and Panic

I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.

I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but  for a  reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.

I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.

The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.

I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.

Peace,

NW

Gonna try get some sleep.

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later –  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-

Another one of Those Days… Pain Full.

I think I’m starting to shake it. Not the TN but the depression.

I’m filling every gap of my day with painting, playing and dancing(breakin). It makes my whole body happy when I dance(maybe one day I’ll post a pic.) it’s always brought me out of bad times (when I havent been in pain or injured). I just can’t feel that real kick I use to get. I think it’s because I’m still lonely. This is no offense to my friends and supports. I have deliberatly separated myself from everyone. I know it’s my fault. That’s the way I planned it. It’s better this way.

I’m taking valium everyday which I think is helping me cope enormously as I have less pain and less thoughts.

I’m starting to feel achy again and don’t want to even think about Ross River. It really can’t be as bad the second time round. I’ll just keep busy and distract – distract – distract. It seems to be the ONLY way right now.

If need be i’ll take something later to alleviate the pain.

Peace,

NW

A long Day

Today seemed very long I think it’s because I woke up so early and had a lot of red cordial. I painted, I played some trumpet. Played xbox.  I listened to music. I went out. I actually felt almost normal in the shops. One of my best mates came over for a visit. He’s been a good mate for ages.

The TN seemed to leave me alone a bit which was wonderful to say the least.

It’s now at dinner time I get all nervous and anxious. Yeah I’m gonna cave in to Oxazepam. At least I might get some more sleep. Maybe less nightmares.

I feel achy from the day but I feel a bit better.

Peace,

NW

More paintings

Well to keep distracted from unhelpful thoughts I got my oils out again n painted. From one canvas to the next they mainly depict the amazing things in the cosmos and animals, I think maybe best to pst them up sometime see if you like them.

As for my sanity, I’ve had a bucket o benzos and olanzapine to get to sleep but i’m to paranoid to sleep. voices are really quite disturbing. The nightmares intolerable the anxiety of fainting is at an all time high. I reall don’t want to go out right now yeah well not at 2:30 in the morning. Tossing weather to have another olanzapine.

I’m totally hating this Trigeminal Neuraligia. If anyone reads this and think they can help I’d be very thankful maybe you have TN and know a special cure. My mate has it too he seems to know the ins and outs of what to do. He’s a great guy but maybe if someone may have some trick up theyre sleeve.

Ill try to sleep again. Just feels like my motor is ideling.

Peace,

NW

Big THANKS to Julian

Painting (Distraction therapy)

Today was good. Nice weather happy people.

The last few days I’ve been working on an oil painting. At the moment it looks quite disturbing but soon I hope to turn it into a thing of beauty. I have to concentrate, (Hyper focus) on anything. I’m jumping from one thing to another every 10 minutes to 10 second. Thats probably why the paintings not finished.
Good thing is the latest person to come into my life needs help with something I specialize in. I think I could get to enjoy teaching what I have learned.

Another friend dropped in today which really lifted my mood to see he was doing well. I’m feeling stronger in myself for having now someone to help. But feel like falling apart at any time.

On top of it all the attack starts happening around dinner so I take some new medication I read about on the net that might reduce pain. Well all I feel is a bit sick n like shite. Probably the cocktail I had because of the awful panic attack that happened earlier I just chucked a few diazepams down. With the oxycontin as well it may be interacting but err who gives a f**k any way. I’ll do anything for a sleep without paranoia and nightmares.

I know Coping strategies but I can never seem to put them in place. I don’t know why the hospital left me this way. I can’t make any decisions for myself or anything. I’m feeling numb, careless, sad. But like the mental health team said “Well If your gonna kill yourself why haven’t you done it yet?”I believe they were quite uneducated and did not think about what they were saying.
I’ll just keep myself distracted and face my problems some other time.

Peace,

NW

Still no hope from hospital

Well last few days have been a haze of pain and depression. I needed to get help from my local hospital. I waited for a while in the waiting room got my blood pressure done. Then later had some blood taken which turned out quite difficult and it hurts when all they get it air then the pressure pulls the syringe tight again. Yeah now my arm hurts too. I know she was trying her best. Yeah that was a great 5 hours in the ‘naughty room’. Till this crisis worker from the local “crisis ” centre M strolls in. tells me were to sit and starts rambling about self harm and how I should get over it and “if you feel suicidal why haven’t I done it yet. Get over it and go home”. I think the only words I got in were ‘”Do you have any Idea what pain is?” In her semi professional* manner she looked at me for a while as to say something witty then turned away and continued to write some other more important things. As she walked back into the nurse station. I don’t know what to say. Could I really be having this bad luck or is this where mental health is?
I at least got respect and got to talk to a doctor. I got to actually say what I wanted and she listened too.

Then I was out on the street with a long walk or a meet up with my partner and get home.
Luckily the doctor called my partner he turned up.

When we got home I was miserable to say the least. My partner made me pancakes n played dice with me, I took a bunch of Valium. Kept my cool n wake up I’m pretty hung over from the diazepam but ya get that. Least I’m kinda sane, Hearing from a friend today lifted me as well. I wish he was happier too.
So I’m writing this down because I need to get it all out.

Peace,

NW

*( I’m really not sure if she is even a psychologist le alone have any training or researches any of her work.)

Being Good

I get up every day take my tablet and get ready for the day. I try to keep up with everyone and be a good person. My mind is full of racing thoughts and I feel panic a lot still. I would love to Find a way of treating and fixing the TN but I don’t know what to do. I have so many bad thoughts. I don’t act on them though I really feel strongly about them. I haven’t cut for ages now I feel I’ve been good in that perspective. I went to the beach yesterday and walked around. It was nice but I still felt strange inside. I tried to cheer myself up with a sand sculpture. I watched people with they’re dogs. They looked happy.

I look happy on the outside. People think I’m happy. Thats the main thing. If they get worried they’ll think I need help. I’ll try keep my head as straight as I can. I’m sure my partner will notice if i start going downhill.

I find writing on here keeps me in check as well.

Peace,

NW

Zombie me

So for the last few days I’ve been a zombie. Haven’t said much ate much slept much. Just been well…. a zombie. I don’t know what to do. I’m so confused, etc.

Peace,

NW