How?

How do I start when I feel I’m at the end.
In the event I don’t publish anymore posts (without notice) Know that I tried, Know that there was no way out, know I did it to myself, Know my circumstances are different to yours (not better or worse but different.) Know I have made a difference.
Know this illness and other factors cornered me without the will to fight back.
Love and Peace,
Nightworrier

Morbid I. You know me and I thank you so much for your help. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE. just a message in case things don’t work out. lOVE nw

“You should really think about quitting dance” Part 2 or End of the world tomorrow.

“The end of the world” can mean many things. Sadly tomorrow will be another day, this poor geologically active planet we destroy day at a time will most likely weaken to the point we do have an increase in natural disasters. As it is we have to live with the current ones. – D

So I went to my dance show, I loved it I was treated real well and felt super supported by the others. I also had the privilege of after 3 years formally meeting one of my favorite dancers, That wouldn’t of happened if I had quit or even taken those words with any seriousness. You can’t kick the dance out of me. It’s in my soul and my heart. It was like telling someone to get over they’re kid and throw them out (Ok there are some cases where this would be the right thing to do.)

My real worry is that well… I’ll save that for next blog

It’s been my life for too long for a doctor I knew for over 2 years I wasn’t going to listen to outside influence.

I really trusted Dr Mark, I feel so strange having a secret only him and I know, I wasn’t serious I just didn’t want any more “Stop dancing talk” from people. I had heard it from so many people who don’t know what I do or what it means for people to see me and get so much enjoyment. He was a great doctor and hopefully will stay that way. So… Well done . You worked me out 😛

Sure It’s great I don’t need to go to the Margaret Tobin Centre again, I’m not touching wood I’m Smacking my head on 2×4. But now I can’t talk to anyone. I’d like to say some things about Mr Mark. But I will keep it in confidence for now, He is a smart person he just made a stupid mistake. He knows I have never hurt anyone. I never will till the day I die. I hope one day he can recover from what I said.

If he was really that scared why didn’t he have me committed or call the police for attempted murder or anything instead he did the socially accepted!!! thing to do and left me out on the street to wait for my ride because after 2 years he couldn’t still fathom that having no drivers license also meant I couldn’t get home.

The only reason the session was 15 mins shorter was because he had someone else to see.

This may stay a subject for a while as it’s made a lot of other things worse. Thanks again Morbid insanity, Your ongoing support has been gold during this trial.

Peace, Love, NW

I think it’s time for some photos for the next post. What’s NW got in store now?

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Pressure and stage performance. Too much pressure.

So this heavy weight has been hanging over me for months. The pressure to dance the pressure to get better, In on mental health workers words “You just need to write suicide on a piece of paper and throw it in the bin” – Problem f**king solved, that worker is a genius where did he learn such amazing skills? (sarcastic) I hung up and said yeh I’ll be safe (bs) I’m completely nervous and beside myself, this is the biggest event I have ever had to compete in.

 Coincidentally alll my “friends” knew it was on and came over uninvited while I was trying to get ready others wanted me to take random recreational drugs the night before the show!!! even minutes before the show on my mobile as I was getting in the car, Now when it comes to one of the biggest shows someone ever does they need 2 days at least leading up to it to get themselves centred and focused, To rub salt in the wounds I had people telling me to pull out and just party,

Even one guy who was terribly sick (keep in mind I have been awfully sick for a month and only just got over it.) He dmanded to visit me the morning before the show I said no no no and he turned up and called saying well I am at your place now can you let me in, Im sick and on antibiotics? I was speechless, I said no I do not want to compromise my health anymore, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

SO this is what happens if you start to do well in life.  People either don’t want to know you  or you get stalkers (Ones that drive past and find out everything they can about me.) Others ask when my events are on then at the exact time I need to get ready they call with an “emergency” I can see now after the show how many are now leaving me alone. Australia has a very bad tall poppy syndrome, When they see someone succeeding in they’re craft they try as hard as possible to keep you at they’re level. Even when I started Fencing there would be the same guy turning up to hang out at 7pm when my training starts at 7:30 he refuses to leave even knowing I have to go out and says things like ” oh yeh u got fencing tonight?” ” I wont be long just a cup of tea and a smoke and a chat and now it’s too darn late for me to get there, so I just end up cancelling

It’s come to a point now when I can’t tell people what I am doing in life where or when so I can have a self indulgent focusing and relaxation before big shows. I imagine a metre wide radius around me where no bad thing/words/vibes can get through it’s my only way of really doing my best and I can say friends and people got in my way every second of every day even pretending they had forgotten what I was training for and asking me to have time off to go for drives and have a beer at the pub!!!

Meet ups I setup for people to learn new tricks either dancing or tightrope walking are good because I am just one of the crowd and there is no heirachy or imagined one!!!

I really appreciate the other dancers and crowd encouragement and a few close friends that have been giving me good energy and wish me the best.

The pressure from the bad influences and the pressure to perform well are really doing a number in my head.

I just want to do what I love, It’s all I have left from the pains and problems. I am going to have to sift through my so called friends and ask some to leave my life as all they have done is make it difficult every time I have something on.

 Well there’s my lesson for you all today. Listen to the good things people say and shut the door on people who disrespect your wishes.

Follow your passions and dreams and don’t let anyone sabotage your inner power.Good friends are hard to find hold them tight.

Love and peace, 

Nightworrier.

 

Good morning. Even If I Have to Make it.

Well I got up early today to smell the gum trees and look for letters in a letterbox I know has nothing in it yet but just looking normal to the neighbours to some degree makes me feel not so bad. In winter I get the fallen branches and even tho it looks cheap it’s life and They’re good pieces of firewood. I like fires. I really do. In many forms.

I going to Dads today. so I’m making extra sure I’m ready for worst case ( panic attack or Trigeminal attack) both I get very uneasy and don’t like when people see me in pain. they usually want to do something but as so many doctors, mental health workers, people i know have told me to relax and it will go. bottom line is it happens when it happens and I’m doing my very best to steer my mental illness and pain away from other people. Otherwise I’ll get all anxious that I’m making them anxious. Plus they’ll continue to push me in to situations I don’t want to be in.

I hope the pain clinic comes up with something better then a knife or a new unknown drugs with unknown side effects

Life so complex. Yet when Im in pain I can only think of one thing.

Peace,

NW

S**t Happens

 I’ve had a hard couple of days mentally. Seems It’s not easy as I thought this getting better business. Struggling hard after I wake up to separate dream from reality. This plays a nasty part of my day and anyone who wakes up around me. It also means you may catch me drinking or taking a couple extra benzos. Usually trying to fade the day away till Its gone.  So I didn’t want to go down either of these routes yesterday I chose the uncommon and highly unpopular way of dealing with things. Cutting. Yes it may be low call it what you want it was my way of dealing with it at the time.  I know of other ways of coping but I just havent done them. eg, rubberband flicking, distraction.

I feel stupid now so It’s not like I’ll be rushing to do it again. But hey who knows. The future is’nt predictable. I’m just gonna chill n play xbox till the bad feelings pass.

Peace,

NW

A whole day in accident & emergency

Well this it what happened yesterday. I woke up at 6 a.m then threw up. then my partner grabbed a bucket and I continued. So after about half an hour of this I decide to have a shower to get the sweat n shivers down(also to clean up but yeah) so I get out of the shower put some clean clothes on and start throwing again it’s about 6:45 now and it’s continuous I dont even get chance to breathe (I swear I took nothing to provoke this). So at about 8 a.m I give in and go to the hospital. They immediately gave me a fantastic drug Maxalon. Yay that was great but it only lasted bout half an hour. They also gave me morphine which worked a treat for the pain but kinda spun me a bit. They did various scans xrays etc . Nurse looks at my cut wrist and says has she got a personality disorder. Talked like I wasn’t there. And no It’s not a personality disorder It’s depression and suicidal feelings. I’m sick of losing the ones I love I’m sick of my own inability to cope and contribute to the world. So yeah they discharged me about 5p.m I was still sick as. So now It’s a day later n Im still sick n cant take anything for it cos it will just be chucked up. I’ll stick to the water n 2 cigs a day. Yeah thats right since I been sick I have been totally inable to even have a cig I can barely move. Cravings arnt to bad I guess cos I’m so sick.

I will look after myself if not for me but my family and friends.

Peace

NW