Self Assesment Day

Things that have changed over the last year:

1) Agoraphobia – I can go for walks by myself. Even go shopping alone. Only sometimes panic.

2) Panic Attacks – Unidentified mental illness? I can deal better with colours ( I use to automatically panic at the sight of red couldn’t see it didnt want to cant use red pens only just started witing the word. Or a combination of red, yellow and black) I’ve been using these colours to paint, draw, and yes even wear on my tough days. ( I still feel safer with blue still).

3) Relaxation – Before therapy it was impossible. I just couldn’t for a second. My pre treatment for relaxation was gin and tonic. (and that was almost every night) After hospital and help from my therapist I can sometimes relax by myself (without medication).

4) Unidentified mental illness number 2? – maybe OCD? not quite?

Yes thats right I didn’t skip the number 4 – (I mean jeesh I was in a ward with that very number) now thats a number that makes me shake n sweat then run. I don’t know why but it’ll never give me a sense of comfort or safety. I have started using it tho. For time and calculations which has helped greatly. I must thank my therapist and the hospital, the nurses there who spent the time to go through it with me. Was well worth it. -Yep another four word sentence. I’m o.k.

5) OCD
Although just recently has worsened e.g, Light switches, walking up stairs, washing hands and more. It’s helping me cope. I’m still sticking to my original breakthroughs with OCD and the eating and drinking one. I can now drink a glass of tap water to the end in one go (Most of the time). Walk away from ‘IT’ .I Can sometimes finish meals. I still wash the drinking device 3 times even if it’s clean (partner just walked in saw me tapping keyboard, I stopped he walked out)I started again(ah relief almost) * continues tapping – gets worse. It’s kinda driving me nuts I want to be left alone with the OCD. It’s been there forever almost. Besides it helps with my oil paintings and drawings. I have to get it right. (*killer* determination).
I know I have to do basic things normally or I’ll stick out. I just need to learn to stop earlier before people see. I’m sick of the feelings that go with being caught.

After learning so much I should feel happier. I do about most improvements. I just feel I ‘m such a slow learner and I always forget my medication. I still feel hopeless sometimes. I’m constantly using distraction techniques. Even after learning so much as an in and outpatient I still get nightmares n trouble shaking the depression. I’ll get there. Somehow.

Theres alot more. My ADHD just won’t let me type anymore wants to do something else.

Peace,

NW

My Afternoon Post (Personal drug ratings)

So from 4pm the pain got so intense i gave into drugs. 200mg sr an 2x1oomg of tramadol 2x500mg paracetamol,10mg valium. This mix seems to work best of what I’ve got but it still doesn’t stop nightmares or completey stop Trigeminal Neuralgia.

The other day I was lucky enough to find a 40mg Oxycontin. It worked perfect the pain was numbing and light I could deal with it for hours. Pity the doc still has me on Tramadol.

This is How I’d Rate The following Pain Medications:

Tramadol – 5/10 Good because of its long lasting effect.

Acupuncture – ??? not sure yet only 3 shots. No drugs involved

Codeine – 7/10 Works well. but doesn’t last long enough. Slightly better then Tramadol

Tegretol – 3/10 Noticed small therapudic difference but many side effects. Eg. hallucinations, sleep probs got worse, vertigo, nausea, vomiting a lot.

Oxycontin – 9/10 1x40mg Worked the best the stabbing turn into a light throbbing Much much easier to live with. Unfortuatley I’m not got an official script. Pity as I rate it highly.

Diazepam – 6/10 some may disagree with this but I say it help calm my face down and definately getting rid of the anxiety of it I’ve used Valium for quite a while and havem’t seemed to become dependant.

Celebrex – 1/10 no noticable difference just more chemicals. possible minor effect(not sure)

I’m really hoping something will work soon I don’t want to get too depressed over this catch it before it gets that far so to speak.

Peace,

NW

I must be feeling better.

   The last few days I’ve had sleep at night I’ve eaten almost normally and I haven’t been as depressed. A close friend pointed out today how much better I was sounding. Then I realised I am feeling a bit better. I have less depressing thoughts and am seeing things differently in the big picture. I’m not sure weather it’s the Oxazepam or the Tramadol but I think one of them is lightening my mood. The Oxazepam has been excellent for panic attacks. it works rather fast and soothes my racing thoughts. I think I still prefer diazepam at the end of the day because it lasts through the everyday constant irrational anxiety and calms my body down(eg. Sweating, pounding heart) but the Oxazepam is good as a fast acting anti panic attack medication that puts ya feet back on the ground. I hope I continue improving like this. I will keep working hard at it.

Well that’s my thoughts for now.

Peace,

NW

Peace out

Went to the Asian Grocery Store

I figured I’d got to this shop I used to go to when I was a kid always get cool lollies there. So I walk in and it’s crowded as. I was getting nervous but I just let it be n walked into a less crowded isle. I found my favourite lolly ‘White Rabbits’ white creamy toffee white rice paper wrapped around. So then I remember I need to buy smokes too. So I look at the smoke rack then see some weird smokes I never seen before. So I say can I get some cigarettes too? The lady looks at me and asks for ID. I quickly produce my ID which shows Im over 25. She laughs and says “You look young” lol I was so nervous. She charged me only $6.50 for the pack. I walk out happy

Heres a look at the pack:

Yeah bright red I’d definatley preferred a blue one.

the smokes were king size. They tasted alright. The price was excellent. Tho I have reviewed a pack of cigarettes I think smoking can be bad for your health. If you want to take care of yourself don’t smoke orhang around smokers. I could go on but it would become a lecture haha.

Peace,

NW