No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

A lot of Things to Catch up on. (Or I’m not dead Ok!!!)

The last 2 months , Well since about my birthday I started dancing again. religiously 3 hours a day. I get a new move almost every week. Something that makes me feel good. A crew has begun at my house there are approx 8 members 2 oldskoolers and some new bboys They’re mainly seniors that come from the local school and train with me everyday. I watched them progress and now I see them dance with so much style and very smooth and natural on the floor. At first I was their instructor it seems now we are all helping each other out with new moves we are even better friends since the crew started. We have a lot of moves, tricks and routines now. I can feel that great rush of being in a crew again and dancing with others. What else is good is the families of the dancers are quite supportive of it all.

On a sad and rather related topic. A recent fallout with the neighbours through bitterness on theyre half. The Mother of the house has decided to start throwing random allegations about why students come to my house after school. Even threatened police involvement. I welcomed it and called my local police station and told them whats been happening.. So I have at least done my bit. She knows full well what we do and whats to cause problems. THis has not helped my anxiety one bit in fact it’s made me kinda annoyed. Actually very annoyed. As you all know Im just getting use to going out again and these threats and intimdation techniques are bringing back bad memories and dreams. I feel like I have no peace with her disrupting my life. Her son is a steroid fuelled idiot who whats to cause problems and start fights. He nce came to my house and beat up his younger brother in front of me. The younger brother had done nothing wrong.

Moral of the story…. If kids are coming around to your house to play instruments or learn arts or super soakers Watch cartoons and dance. Be careful there are plenty of people out there who are happy to guess what your doing and drag you through all kinds of threats and trouble. Some days I think it’s not worth it anymore but for what they get out of it it’s very worth it. So I’m gonna keep doing it regardless.

Wish me luck. I’ve had a short fuse lately,

Peace,

NW

Neverland now re-established

I’m sure this will cause some hate mail..It’s cool I got a seperate box to  put that in and one day I’ll publish it all for you. Proceeds will go to Childrens foundations.

Thanks again to all the readers who’ve been here since the start.

This ones for my Friends who’ve kept me Alive

Ya’ll know who you are. The ones I’ve spilled my heart out to. They’ve been there solid for me. I have let them down by not being as with it. But they continue to help me and push me in the right direction. I’m doing my best to stay here. I love all you guys. Weather they be nurses or fellow bloggers PA thankyou. And Julian if only we could really meet. Like I said I love you all.

Peace,

NW

Happy Halloween (or Something)

I would love to love halloween but with all those creepy kids n Adults out there screaming n flying around like witches I don even wanna sit on the porch for a smoke.

As for going to the doc today well. I really appriciate the help and she does lift my mood a bit but. I should be able to do it myself. I just can’t. It’s one of those things. I really don’t know if it’s worth continuing ‘life’.

I was at the hospital yesterday due to injuries relating to me trying to kill myself and my partner goin to all lengths to stop. Unfortunately this is not how the hospital saw it. The councilor said it was a typical case of DV. Yeah ok so I’m depressed because my partner is trying to stop me suiciding (makes sense). I’m gonna use this ‘jounal’ of these events so people actually know what went on. Rather then the text book assumptions many professionals and others have made.

I do hope to continue to be here long enough to see the light and have the dark clouds leave.

What really upsets me the most of this whole thing is. I know it will hurt my family, partner and friends. But I’m only here to let them know I’m ok.

I will always keep my real identity private but I’m sure when time comes people will work out who I am.

Peace, Love, Hope and Happiness be with you all.

NW