No way!!! Out. Cannot live in the now.

From the lowest to the depths of hell. I waited 2 years to hear from my brother my best friend the kid I love so much, He contacted me I was so excited and relieved and then he told me how insignificant my life is, How I am just not worth it. This broke my heart and left me unable to move or talk for days, Don’t even mention food, Then I see my psychologist and she says what they all say. He is a grown man. He can deal with things. I never thought I would be living this far from him. I never thought he would disregard me so easily. WHat is the point. I tried again, a massive overdose and woke in hospital but of course the mental health ‘team’ one person says I am doing fine and just need to relax and go to church!!!. I am 6 months or more passed relaxing. I was promised DBT 2 years ago. So I turn up for my appointment and they tell me I have the wrong day even though I have they’re card saying the time they refuse to look at it and take me into another room where I had spent 2 hours filling out there commitment forms just to hear them say you need a specialist and we can’t help you we will not consider you for DBT. I think death might be my only way out  of this enormously shit situation. I don’t think I am sorry anymore. I asked for help I asked over and over until I was demoralized to the point I have nothing left. I wish just one person was close enough to talk to but this seems to possible be the very last post. I have not slept or eaten for weeks, I am in pain all the time. I cannot afford docs or meds anymore. I am on a very thin thread. Love to all. I hope you can handle it down here because I cannot. I will leave now. Thanks M.I and P.A for your ongoing help. I am sorry to let you down. Peace, I have had enough. I cannot sustain my life anymore. Your friend, Nightworrier. You are in my thoughts.

Trapped.

Hey Yeh its me nightworrier. Recent attempts asking for help have only fallen on deaf ears. I cannot talk to my doc if I feel suicidal. Which is all the time now. My partner is watching me 24/7 when I wake he does. He wont go to bed till I do. Acute crisis help hangs up on me the hospital wont take me. If I don’t stand for whats right. I will leave others in the same position. Thankyou M.I you have been a hood support to me. Just a few words is all I can conjure. Peace. NW.

My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

Idiot of the year or 7 (years)

I have nothing to hide so I am going to share it. I didn’t want to use names but if we all keep quiet about the things in this world like war and personal vendettas. No one will be helped and there will inevitably be more suffering.

The meek in this world are prone to suffering and sadly we have predators who find them as prey, I am learning to stop the silence. Abuse can take on many forms and this one is particularly nasty, People who ask for help are particularly vulnerable and Some nurses find these people easy targets for whatever reason they like to pick on them and accuse them of the most outrageous things, tearing the patient open like an autopsy and not even attempting to put the pieces back together.

I will be posting my entire ”Mental health summary” up here today I think it’s time people saw what was written about them. About half the facts in this letter are false.Mainly because of one mental health nurse David Hains (He is only a crisis worker and cannot give out diagnoses) He has labelled me All kinds of things he has even Stolen from me and told me he took it After investigation it turns out he kept it and gave it to one of his kids!!! Had he done this to the wrong person the outcome may be different (He has put his kids in threat before himself, I see some very wrong things happening),

He assumed much about my life (All intolerably wrong, eg, Living on the streets- Never, neglected and abused by family-wrong again , Called ME a thief – I pride myself on respecting others and not hurting those around me, Accused me of being weak and getting raped by my friends!!! This is so very wrong, When I refused to answer anything he took them all as yes. And wrote it all down in his words and his sick mind, There is much more) This has caused me much distress and much more harm than good,

This is a story of an Acis worker that has lied about me and got himself a little print up featured in this week – ”Idiot of the year” Blog. This (Man) If you can call him that has sent me from hospital to his church to get better, Told Emergency doctors to ignore me when I had Ross River virus, He told them I was in withdrawals, (Of what? At that point in my life I was on panadol/Apap/Tylenol only) this was years before I got Trigeminal. He has lied to many other workers about me, Stood in my room and accused me of several things I had never heard of. He even put in the summary threatened to stab a medical officer for drug related reasons ( The so called victim Doctor is unnamed – because they don’t exist!!! – This is a non incident!!! Nothing but more lies to add to this summary)

A wide berth should be given at the sight of this man who dresses like a church preacher (Long white shirt down to his knees), He has short ginger/grey hair and beard, tries to have a scruffy look to appear jesus like!!! (I’m sure that is helpful to the schizophrenics (who usually yell out things like antichrist when he is in they’re room) Should you have an encounter with this man, Make sure you collect all the details you can I know in these situations it can be hard but ask for a pen and paper Do your best to put correct time and date (This goes for any mental health worker in your country city in the world) . Plus as many details he has written about you, He is acting like a fantasy short novelist instead of an accurate, caring, mental health worker doing his job. If you want help moving these people out of the system, You can email me at Ebeboy@hotmail.com I will help and direct you to Some help that will clean up the mess he makes and help you get your medical history honest.

It is sad I have to actually name these people but if we leave them in the system they will make people worse, More people will be misdiagnosed and people like him will get away with unethical treatment of the people who need it most.

So later today I will show you all the things he has written down and hard stone facts. I will then clearly review it for you all to have a good look at and see the major problems Australia is having with these misfit mental health nurses.

I’m not worried he will read this, Firstly even if he does manage to google himself he then has to read…

So don’t be afraid to email me. I have some good information to share. What ever you Do do not call the Advocate!!!, Not only will they find ways of not apologizing for mistakes but they are actually the same church people as David Hains (of FMC Flinders Medical Hospital) (Acute Crisis Intervention Team) so they will always cover each other.

This is not to say all the other workers are in this category, there are actual real mental health workers in there that go above and beyond to help people they deserve medals for their work.

David Hains is a hindrance to the whole system and I would bet if he was out of the system entirely (He is a wasted paycheck) A lot more Patients/people would find they will actually be able to move on from the pain he causes. Possibly they can even find a life where they will never be sent to hospital and never need to go in voluntarily.  Like I mentioned he isn’t the only one there and soon he probably won’t find himself there much longer, Keep the emails coming in. This is how we make a change in the world. This is what will help hopefully hundreds or thousands from the sting of the wasp.

I have lost a friend forever directly resulting from his treatment toward her. I will never see her or get to call her again. She also had 3 kids who now have no Mother, Her Mother is in such a state since it happened 3-4 years ago. Every year I think of her and in my blog she is referred to as S.J for her anonymity. David refused to let her diagnosis of Bipolar be treated and called her borderline personality. Therefore no treatment. After both S.J and I left out inpatient stays we caught up often to help each other she told me everything, When I found out the reason she was no longer being treated because of her ”borderline” She said she was just too depressed to argue. I watched the results in detail on the news a week later. I still wonder why there was no inquiry into the Mental health worker. This is so very tragic and not the only one!!!

The past time they have given me has been interesting I have spoken to many of his old patients and found many common answers and some have felt quite aggressive toward him. This is where the mental health nurse should listen, I have warned other patients of his not to say a thing to him. (unfortunatly this may result in them getting another random diagnosis as he thinks he is a bit of a Bigshot with a 5 minute diagnosis (That could ruin or prevent the person getting the right help.)

Peace & Love Especially to those in need right now.

P.S I will be also be uploading my summary of the treatments and diagnoses of the person in question. I think it’s only fair that if he is going to put false information about me in the public domain, I as a citizen and victim of the mental health system should tell the truth.

I must stress the hospital is not to blame nor the doctors, Only 1 or 2 ”Mental health workers” that are doing much damage to people and the entire system. Like I say most of the staff there are doing their job and doing it well.

Please read my summary carefully, Make your mind on what you think the problem is even better if you can pinpoint where things are going wrong Feel free to leave a comment.

This site as of next week will be just http://www.nightworrier.com

Enjoy the read, many strange things happen here.

Peace and Love,

Your Friendly loyal Australian Mental Health Blogger,

Night worrier

Dumbest thing to do Ever

Say in a sarcastic, Button pushing way ”I was thinking of stabbing you” to your psychologist,.. Just to test the waters!!!

If you do it’s more unlikely you would ever actually do it, I would have hoped he realised I wanted to say something to him, Something that would take a lot of trust.

Ah well

That was my dumbest thing I did this year.

Your very dumb but very loyal blogger,

Nightworrier.

Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

Less Than 24 Hours Ago – Suicide thoughts –

That’s how fast it came down like a tonne of bricks, I started to worry about the world about everything I realized there was no point to my existence, Am I here to just churn out works occasionally hitting a winner. It doesn’t seem important enough with whats going on with the world.  It surely doesn’t change the corrupt system we live in.  So I thought about it some more until 6 this morning. I considered hanging, ODing, Just walking until I couldn’t go any further. I had considered slashing but it is really hard for me and I didn’t want to leave a mess. I couldn’t think of anything else all night.

Then finally I went to bed I somehow knew I would wake up in 2 hours. I even put it on my fb page. So when I wok up at 8 I didn’t really have a different perspective on things but People around me needed me or needed to use me. Either way I always do what they say. I tried to say no to people a while ago but it was just to difficult. I get treated like a fool for my kindness.

I decided to spend the part of the day that I had to myself in the garden and moving rocks to make a rock wall. (Guess I shoulda been building bridges) Ahh just another thought. I have a bridge near me. I have known this fact for a long time and have thought of it many times.

So I didn’t act on any of the thoughts but more then the will of wanting to live it was circumstance that I was bound to stay. It’s hard to do it with someone around unless you can be angry at them and if it isn’t justified then you just end up feeling worse. Sometimes pain makes you want people to hate you so it’s easier to leave. They don’t see life is so unbearable because they see a different me they see A person who is content with life and has anything they want if they try… Well how about this, I don’t want anything anymore I don’t want to try. Actually I lie I want my family and friends to have a beautiful life full of enchanting things that keep them happy. That’s all, I don’t want to dance I don’t want to draw, I don’t like my things, I forget to smoke because I find myself in a four hour stupor of staring mindlessly. Saves money but also shows I am not normal anymore and I don’t mean normal in the casual sense I mean I am forgetting thing that normally should be natural to anyone. If something is hot and I know it and have been told half an hour later I will go back and burn myself again.

I have a friend I consider a very nice ( a little out there, Scares people away/some antisocial issues) but I love him as a friend,  but he is kind of simple and takes a lot of time to do anything Yet he holds down a job, I believe even though I am his only friend I will jump when I’m told to he really takes advantage of having a friend he can count on. If there was a heir achy he’d be up top and have me on the bottom rung. I wish I could enjoy things like he can, He finds out the simplest general knowledge fact and he will be talking excitedly about it for a week,  during that time I may have researched it to death and fallen asleep in 6 hours further reading in a pile of books that lead to obscurities that may have had something to do with the subject in the first place and I still don’t get a kick from it anymore.  It all just doesn’t feel right.

Either way I am not going to guess when and how to stop this feeling it’s a slippery slope as most of you reading know.

I need to sleep now, Do you think the opiates will let that happen? No is the answer for the slight uneducated, After this long sleep doesn’t happen when you want you either fall asleep for 5 minutes or stay up for 3 days. And the doctors wonder why I beg for sleeping tablets. They just wanna dumb me down with ‘Seroquel’ (Side effects include, feeling dumb and knowing there’s a better world, tardive dikinisis pseudo Parkinson, Weight gain, fatigue 1 tablet days of drowsiness and apathy, and many other much worse things ) All the ones I named are side effects I get and it doesn’t do much for the happiness that’s supposed to just exist in the human body.

I wish you all a good night don’t feel bad about the world it’s too much for one, Maybe tomorrow will be different be better and we will all feel safe here on this ever changing planet.

Love you all, Bless you,Salam,

Night Worrier xo

A week too long in Hospital

I initially went in there because my doc wanted me to get my abdominal pain checked out after a few minutes of arriving they admitted me to the short stay operating ward. By this time I was pretty sure the docs were wanting to cut my Appendicitis  out Well after days of waiting they came to me at 6pm on the 28th March n said well lets wheel ya downstairs ( I was/am kinda depressed n kinda hoped She meant downstairs to the morgue) This was not the case instead I went to theatre they did the cuts and when I woke up I cannot tell you how much pain I was in. It was up there with TN, Seeing as I didn’t want to live before the op you can imagine how I felt after…

I took 2 days to recover then came home and thought about some things then realized I am just weighing people down, then they get disappointed with me and I am not comfortable in myself  anyway, I just want to make it easy for everyone. I am sorry I have TN I really don’t want to live like this either, the biggest insult is when people say, Well I have to put up with it as well . No no you don’t you just have to put up with someone who is in agony how painful can that be to an onlooker who leaves because they can’t take it. That just makes me want to end it. People always told me I come first if that’s true then I should have the right to off myself.  Sorry docs I know you really tried especially by telling me off for missed appointments and not being perfectly up to date with everything,  “Have you been? Are you keeping all your meds in order so you take them at the right time?” blh blh more assassination on my spirit, ffs I would just like to tell them my life is hell I don’t feel anymore I don’t care anymore, I feel like an earth reject. Especially with these toxic Neighbours from hell. I really want to take them down before me. They are wasting much more then I am in this world. Why am I writing still I should be finding someway outta this mess. Love to everyone.

Peace, Night Worrier and useless human to society.

Yesterday and Today

the difference between yesterday and today is huge, If I had been dead yesterday I wouldn’t have studied and got my car licence,

If I was Dead yesterday there would have been no one proud of what I had achieved.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have enjoyed the sun that blasted it cosmic rays down to us.

If I were dead yesterday I would’ve missed out saving a lizard from the road.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have finished my artwork.

If I were dead yesterday I would have missed so much.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have met nice people on my street.

On the other hand

If I were dead today I wouldn’t have to put up with this crazy amount of pain (TN probably from being upset)

If I were dead today I wouldn’t have been told by the doctor I will have to wait for my licsence.

If I were dead today I would have kept my cool and not launched an attack.

If I were dead today I wouldn’t careless.

If I were dead today I could have all my control back.

But if tomorrow was to come and give me a hand and break down the walls I want to be a part of it for the good times.

I have realized fully that people in positions of power are prone to let you know. Be careful who you disclose information to, I have one doctor that would put handcuffs on me if it were legal and another who lets me have free reign because he knows that’s the way I will recover. I wish you all the best.

Peace out,

NW

– Just a thought –

Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 ❤