How?

How do I start when I feel I’m at the end.
In the event I don’t publish anymore posts (without notice) Know that I tried, Know that there was no way out, know I did it to myself, Know my circumstances are different to yours (not better or worse but different.) Know I have made a difference.
Know this illness and other factors cornered me without the will to fight back.
Love and Peace,
Nightworrier

Morbid I. You know me and I thank you so much for your help. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE. just a message in case things don’t work out. lOVE nw

Run for The Biggest Hills

While I wait for DBT to start, (Suggested and helped by M) I am looking for one on one therapy.

Again I find a therapist I really thought I could get along with she was also only a skateboard ride away so I was even going out and Happy too! yes that’s right i was happy to be able to do it myself.
After 3 sessions and things were looking good, I was being as open as anyone could that has only just met someone but her wisdom similar to Mark was comforting, I really believed there was a great help. On the 3rd appointment she apologized and said her department had moved her very far from my house, So again I found myself alone.
I feel like if I don’t tell someone whats happening I cannot guarantee my safety, Yesterday I woke up at 4 approx in the morning walking around the hills. I was kinda cold and had no wallet or phone. I figured out my way home and made it without any problems — Except I don’t know how I got there!!! I am scared, really scared, I feel like I am out of Ideas.
This morning I went riding my skateboard of which I have a helmet cam to capture the high-speed action… But what I watched of the film today frightened me even more. The footage shows me walking down to where I skate and sitting down on my board about half way there, The camera shows me sitting there for 2-3 minutes not moving at all. A car drives past me and I get up in the footage and continue on my way.
I am not sure what happened and without constantly wearing the cam I will never know what happens… Unsettling to say the least, My partner saw it and asked what Was happening in the idle 2-3 minutes of footage. He suspected the worse when he looked at me with my very clueless look on my face. I just shook my shoulders. In my head I am freaking out badly.
So this last therapist passed me onto a lovely little girl Danni, She introduced herself as a committed supporter of me and if I needed time off that was ok if I wanted a year off then another chat that would also be ok, I hadn’t felt safer since when M said it but he said it with conviction, Danni won’t even read the previous doctors notes, She says I get opportunities given to me (Which totally takes away the hours a day for years of hard work to get where I am I am sorry she failed level one six and under in kindy but no need to compare lives, She said ” I have done the same as you and I didn’t get any opportunities) (Sure) I asked why not read my doctors competent notes and she said She has a method of reading into everything a person says and looks like, (This is also not true because she didn’t hear a word I had to say as she was getting louder and the exit to the room is on the other side. (Panic attacks are common in her room)This is her method but if you don’t listen to the patient or read the referral it’s gonna take a really long time to gain trust and feel safe.

When I walked out I was so sad, I couldn’t pull myself together, I begged to se someone else, My partner suggested making amends with my psych from a year ago, he said I was most stable then, That just threw me into a deeper spiral as I don’t think he would ever have me back, I really am a good patient, I just said a really bad thing, I had just got into fencing and I liked mentioning it in conversation, It was completely out of context, If he had just given me another fortnight he would see I was only finally excited about picking up a new sport. I hate myself everyday for this.

Now if I wanted to go back to school to get the shit kicked outta me I would continue ”Therapy”

(now If someone tries to physically hurt me I always fight back. Eg. Neighbours all came out to ”Bash” me I laughed and ran at them. It must have been a revelation for them. They said I was crazy…. I proudly remarked and ran up to him and yelled yes I’m fucking crazy so don’t fuck with me or my animals or cactus, Mind you I wouldn’t mind if they got a closer look at some of these cacti. They don’t know how much I don’t care about them, They ruin the neighbourhood and have no consideration for others, they lie to police they poison all the locals front yards in an attempt to show they have power!!! Come on who thinks sneaking around the neighbourhood at 2 a.m breaking windows and throwing poison is any kind of power?!?, including setting a bush and a house on fire 3 houses down in a 13 year olds room. This is when the boys from the family were 19-20 (that’s another story but I’ll let you fit the pieces together) when the father was out of the house.
I would be keen going to therapy but the similarities are far too close. TRUST – That means something to me. I mean I will let her get away with a few put downs and raising her voice even acting quite threatening by leaning closer and yelling telling me I have never lived because the jobs I have had aren’t ”normal”. That’s right she actually said ”Haven’t you ever had a normal job” Before I got a chance to answer she then went on about how popular I am? How would she know how many or few friends I have, In fact 2 close friends are terminal and I don’t know how to make things better. My best friend in the whole world (Besides My little Brother) is stuck in a cold country and has a new life, He doesn’t need me or my support anymore, Pity because I still really need a friend. He was the only one that wasn’t a taker, He has a nice girlfriend now so he has no time for me. I understand but he was the only one since Dr Mark I could be honest with about how I feel. Saying how I feel in this house I live in always makes a fight leaving me worse and much more spontaneous and I find the clues and evidence of what’s been happening. I promised not to slash my wrists to a few my partner and Craig and Mark but they’re opinions mean less everyday.
But that’s just left me with a very difficult life. Painful with TN hitting me every day, On top of that it really doesn’t help getting in really bad accidents and illnesses. I need to talk to someone who will listen not just lecture from this 25 year old (not all 25-year-old therapists are childish) I like Child-Like but Childish and teasing is no way to treat a patient, She kept saying there was something wrong with my thinking I tried to explain but she wouldn’t listen I kept giving her a lot of time but she just hurt me over and over, and asked me if I knew why she was being so cruel. I said ”Maybe it’d because you don’t understand me so you are overcompensating for not knowing very basic skills. So one last session left. What should I say, Considering I said the worst thing to the most helpful one, what should someone hear who is always belittling me and laughing at my life… My words may be a little rough, But I am sure she will get the idea I don’t want another bully in my life. Knowing it’s the end of this ”relationship” Do I just keep saying, so this is the last one , You don’t want to see me anymore do you??? And just keep doing it till she does what Mark did and assume I don’t want anymore help in the case of M he didn’t understand it was my way of making sure he would stick by me. ( Now I know it makes them give up It might just be the thing to say, This is if I remember any of it. I’ll let her down easy, Heaven knows I have it all!!!

Why Can’t I ever do anything right, They say well you learnt that lesson didn’t you???
Sure yeh I learned umm, Don’t joke, Irony. My Mum is an Artist but I see no colour, My Dad was a bridge builder in the army and all I ever do is burn bridges. My Uncle was taken by a shark and I am always surrounding myself with sharks, My Auntie smokes pot outta baskets, I am a basket case, My cousin works for a secret Govt blah, The same government that picks on me and just keeps judging. My fav Cousin in Aust lives so far away I never see her, But when I turn around to find anyone left here in my city, No one is left, Sure I could meet my step siblings but tattoos and street drugs just aren’t my cup of tea. Being a non drug user also makes me the most unpopular at my own parties,
Where have all the good people gone?

Here it is clear as crystal. I am a dancer, A mosquito ruined me for 2 years then I caught ross river a second time. So training is very difficult. When a dancer of 6 years dedicated day and night to train and entertain looses they’re Identity. It feels like a part of my heart is torn out. This happened 5 years ago and it impacts on everything I do. I am still with a crew but we barely get to catch up. Mainly it’s my fault, Car…Anxiety…Pain, and I don’t want to share these facts with my friends or they will have thoughts about me and, I don’t need any friends analysing my problems or congratulating me when I go out. I want it to be normal. Or at least look normal.
I let people have 10 chances because I really want to believe people really are good inside. I always get burnt. Look It’s really amazing I’m kicking on after this year
.
It’s incredibly astronomical that the same days you remember like your first bike ride aren’t the only days you remember, I remember the date I said the dumbest thing in the world. everyday it hurts. It hurts because I was not serious, It hurts that someone thinks I would ever do such a thing. It hurts that every day I know the best gave up on me when I needed his help most.

Luckily some mental health workers are trying to help me find someone I can talk to.

Peace & Love,
NIght Worrier ❤

Crash – To be expected

So Im not talking metaphorically I actually crashed at high-speed on my Longboard, I was asked by a ‘friend’ If I would do a steep hill with a dead-end and covered in broken sticks and twigs, I knew it was probably suicide, My ‘friend’ already called it a snuff movie because it was an impossible hill, he’d been saying in the car the whole way there, I dare ya to do it. I know I am a better rider than him, I have had years of experience he has only had 2 months maybe, So I figured Id at least stay on the board till I got closer to the bottom and either slide or bail, What I didn’t expect was to hit a branch on the ground and fall further down hill landing very hard on my chest then slid for a bit. I rolled over and the guys graciously asked me to turn the camera goggles off to save battery, My ‘friend’ then approached me and asked if I was ok, I thought that was nice of him, the only words I could conjure were ”I’m just winded”  I was in so much pain and had no idea weather I had caused any internal damage, I continued riding and following my friend but he went to far and I was having trouble breathing so in my dissociated state I walked back to where I thought the car was. turns out the car was in a completely different spot I kept walking uphill and saw my partner he helped me walk to the top he said he would drive up and get me, I lied off the road in the bushes to wait for him, I was in terrible pain all over especially my chest.

While I was lying in the sun trying to find a comfortable place to rest, About half an hour had passed and I still wasn’t hearing out car, another car pulled up and said ”hey kid?” ”what happened?” I said I had had a bit of a fall and landed on my chest.  They spoke among themselves for a bit saying well we can’t just leave the boy here. ”how old are ya lad?” ”17?” This added to my confusion I didn’t bother telling them I was a girl because they both truly believed it. Then they called an ambulance. The Ambos arrived and said lift up your shirt, I did and they were a bit shocked to see I was a girl. They quickly got me pain relief and took me and my board to hospital.

I was looked after pretty well in there. They put me in Trauma and xrayed and scanned everything.

All in all some bruising and pain but I’m essentially a pretty tough person. I still hurt but it will go away Im guessing when the bruising goes.

Peace out, Nightworrier. Still on the quest for happiness and Life, Love.

I tried to off myself

Things were getting out of control, I had felt I was never going to get anywhere, I’m not sure if that thought has changed yet, I won’t go into details about what I did because I don’t want any of you to get any ideas!?! OK? Right so I lost it at he world which made my partner pretty upset, I explained it wasn’t his fault I was angry but he locked himself away to get away from the chaos I was making.

Then out of no where I realized no one would care if I was gone In fact I can see them standing around saying she didn’t even leave money for the funeral etc.(I was in throbbing pain at the time as well) I Did the fastest thing I could that I knew would get me out of this dark place, My partner must have heard something and came running in, He Was very calm with me and we sat down and tried to fix things without doctors or mental health acis as I cannot rely on them to help in any way, I have asked enough times, And they have said enough times well just do it then, or you haven’t done it yet so your chances are nil. Well that is now proven to be wrong!!! I nearly completed.

I can’t express enough how important it is to find someone you can trust, In my state south Australia they do not treat suicide attempts at hospital (or anywhere) they send you straight home and back to the place in your head you were trying to escape. This probably contributes to the very high suicide rate that is not often published.

I don’t know how to ask for help next time I just hope I can hold it together for however long this hellish depression lasts.

Much love to my family, even though we always lived close being hours apart doesn’t mean I love you any less, I just never get to see you all that often, and for my friend in Canada your one promise I made with you I promise I will keep.

Peace, Love,

NightWorrier.

1.52 am

Another one of Those Days… Pain Full.

I think I’m starting to shake it. Not the TN but the depression.

I’m filling every gap of my day with painting, playing and dancing(breakin). It makes my whole body happy when I dance(maybe one day I’ll post a pic.) it’s always brought me out of bad times (when I havent been in pain or injured). I just can’t feel that real kick I use to get. I think it’s because I’m still lonely. This is no offense to my friends and supports. I have deliberatly separated myself from everyone. I know it’s my fault. That’s the way I planned it. It’s better this way.

I’m taking valium everyday which I think is helping me cope enormously as I have less pain and less thoughts.

I’m starting to feel achy again and don’t want to even think about Ross River. It really can’t be as bad the second time round. I’ll just keep busy and distract – distract – distract. It seems to be the ONLY way right now.

If need be i’ll take something later to alleviate the pain.

Peace,

NW

I Don’t think I’d say life is smooth sailing but…

Seems this time everyone is on one side or the other when it comes to my illnesses. I just want everyone to be happy. Easy to say. Not so easy to do. Family should always be close. But sometimes our friends help us pick up the pieces. I will always watch their backs too.

I have a terrible pain down the side of my face the GP calls it Trigeminal Neuralgia. The most painful f***ing thing I ever have. So now Im told this n that about taking the medications. I’m so lucky to have a close friend with the same and experience of it. Without his help I think would have given up by now. His peace and love has been a godsend.

Whatever happened to that dark depression that came from no where? Its all so mixed up now. I’m determined to get through it. All of it. The physical pain is one thing that needs a handle. Next will be the stubborn anxiety and depression. I’ll keep walking the mountain to the top. I don’t expect it to be easy but I feel my mind is ready to start.

I want to see the colours of the world and feel it. I think about my family and friends and I know sometime I will be able to pay them back for all the help they’ve offered me.

Soon I will be free of this pain. Looking forward in life now.

Peace, Love,

NW

Pain (physical & Mental)

Well the last week has been turmoil to say the least. In a moment of shiraz drunkeness I slipped down some stairs and sprained my ankle. My back is still annoying me and giving me a good dose of pain.

So I go to the doctors to get my ankle looked at but it really wasn’t my biggest problem. I told them how I was mentally. The doc was very understanding. I still left the docs feeling like jumping under a car. The docs an receptionists let me stay in the waiting room for my lift home.

A day later things get worse I almost got to the finish line when my partner calls the police on me. I told my partner in a moment of anger something I never wanted to verbalize. Well now it’s out I have to deal with it. The police came brought me to hospital. Stayed for a couple of nights (thinking well hey have to let me out sooner or later.) The hospital staff and nurses actually got me thinking. I now feel less suicidal. I feel like theres a way out of this. It will take time I know. I just take it a minute at a time. Theres hope for everyone.

*If your reading this and feel at all like I have please get yourself to a doctor and tell them what you are feeling. Depression is hard to deal with alone like other mental illnesses.

Peace,

NW

Happy Halloween (or Something)

I would love to love halloween but with all those creepy kids n Adults out there screaming n flying around like witches I don even wanna sit on the porch for a smoke.

As for going to the doc today well. I really appriciate the help and she does lift my mood a bit but. I should be able to do it myself. I just can’t. It’s one of those things. I really don’t know if it’s worth continuing ‘life’.

I was at the hospital yesterday due to injuries relating to me trying to kill myself and my partner goin to all lengths to stop. Unfortunately this is not how the hospital saw it. The councilor said it was a typical case of DV. Yeah ok so I’m depressed because my partner is trying to stop me suiciding (makes sense). I’m gonna use this ‘jounal’ of these events so people actually know what went on. Rather then the text book assumptions many professionals and others have made.

I do hope to continue to be here long enough to see the light and have the dark clouds leave.

What really upsets me the most of this whole thing is. I know it will hurt my family, partner and friends. But I’m only here to let them know I’m ok.

I will always keep my real identity private but I’m sure when time comes people will work out who I am.

Peace, Love, Hope and Happiness be with you all.

NW