First Wednesday in the ward, Help for Anxiety

Wednesday – The fifth day (I feel like I am finally getting somewhere.) – Flinders Hospital Stargate Log.  I woke up and for the frst ay I think I can eat and am getting less agitated, I still strike out inappropriatly and people tell me I seem scary sometimes when I’m angry, I woke up wit ha night nurse begging me to calm down I didn’t know what he was talking about, I was standing in the wrong hallway and the big guy in the ward was sticking his finger up at me so I figured I must have done something… I wish I could remember but either way I knew I had to calm down or my 2 -3 weeks would turn into 5-6 and that  wouldn’t be voluntary (who knows what I would have done.  I stayed I was woken then after breakfast I had early by 2 nurses who gave me my meds after breakfast they wanted to do an ekg I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for my heart test’ It took a while but I was fine about it. I spent the day in the ward and spent time talking to the
psychologist I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when
i feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my
feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing aswell. it was also a
way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually
wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I have’nt worn them inside, I must admit I have stilll been carrying them around sort of a security thing.  But hiding behind them was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really
telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I willl train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous afterwards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got
me thinking alot more.

This Dr Holmes taught me alot and I believe he understands how to deal with anxiety, Please take what you can from what I have learned. I’m sure my dr would like to know he is helping many people in this world.

Peace, Nightworrier

Gotta go and think about it all in my room, it’s a lot to take in. But really important to think about! that means you too. Please try these tequniques. You have nothing to loose and you can lower any anti-depressant or Benzodiazapine use if you get some relief, YOU MUST  TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE CUTTING DOWN ON ANY MEDICATIONS.

 

Another ordinary day… In Hospital

I went to the doctors as I wasn’t feeling too well I had been feeling like this a few days but now it was at the point I couldn’t stop shaking and sweating. I was doubled over in pain. I had waited and waited to get over what ever was the problem usually I say well If I’m sick today I’ll be recovering tomorrow. At the doctors I quickly found out I was just getting sicker and needed to go to hospital. When I arrived in the waiting room of pain I looked at all the solemn faces and bored expressions. I thought to myself If I could look that comfortable I’d be at home but I guess everyone had something wrong weather they swallowed a battery or punched through a window (It was a friday) So I sat there shivering sweating and pale trying to look tough. The waiting room is quite confronting. You don’t want people to think your weak. So I held a steady emotionless look. My partner asked for a nurse for me as I was getting sicker by the second. When they got a bed for me I got on lied down and screamed. I guess I felt like I could now no one was watching. A nurse saw me and asked a few questions took my obs. She then gave me some morphine for the pain. She remarked thats the first time I’ve seen you smile tonight. I thought I’d be smiling in everyday life If I was always pain free.  I sat on my bed chatting on instant messaging on my phone to my friends (perfect distraction) while I felt a nauseous spin of the morphine. My friends sent me good messages for the night and the doctors let me rest giving me injection intervals  of antibiotics and morphine. Through the night the pain stabbed. I got a nurse about 3 am for more pain relief. By morning I was still in pain and scared the surgeons would soon be in my curtain room wielding scalples and notes* (WARNING *notes are powerful things that can lead to surgery). I got some scans done and tests. They said they wouldn’t have a clear result for 2 days but as for now I need to take my antibiotics and hope I’m totally better in a week.

The surgeons spoke to me in the morning and we’re not sure weather to take out my appendix or not. I usually think if it’s a maybe – don’t cut) The second surgeon left me with antibiotics and painkillers. He said If it’s still painful in three days to see my doc. Yeh ok I will go back but I don’t know about going back to the butchers hospital. I mean these surgeons looked competant and all but It’s surgery is something I’m terrified of. It’s gonna take nerves of steel to go back.

I will update on how it goes but for now I need rest. I’m still aching a bit.

Peace,

NW

What a day!!!

Last night I put myself to sleep with my last olanzapine tablet and a few valium and promithezine. Stayed awake till about 4 o’clock a.m.  I woke up at 5pm in the afternoon so I feel like I skipped  day. I feel like im in a mental straight jacket. Not that thats a bad thing. It’s the only way at this stage.

So now it’s 9:47 pm. I had 2 cigarettes and a glass of milk. I’ve had nothing but racing thoughts since I woke up but don’t have any energy to do anything. Like I said before thats not such a bad thing. I think the olanzapine is enough to keep my mind distracted and very numb which is great.  I don’t want it to ever wear off.

Side of my face is really pissing me off. I just can’t predict the pain and when it attacks once it’s like a door open for more and more attacks so could be going on and on which is when I really lose it and want to jump or shoot myself.

I just filled out the letter from the pain management clinic. So I should be looking forward to some professionals looking at it. I’m really surprised they sent the letter so quick. It almost makes me happy. (I was expecting months.)

Maybe if I don’t sleep tonight I’ll finish an oil painting I keep putting off.that should lift my mood a bit or at least push the bad ones away. I might post my painting when it’s finished. I wonder if ya can upload videos. I’d like to turn it into a time lapse. theres something that will distract me well for hours on end.

When the hospital last discharged me they said they’d call me for a follow up to see how I’m going well they always say that. guess what they didn’t check again. Are they really that slack or what. Unbelievable how far the mental health system in Australia hasn’t come. Only people who are passionate about they’re jobs should be in mental health.

Peace,

NW

Back in and Back out. Being Screwed up.

 I went back in. Wasn’t feeling good at all the doc wrote a referal for the hospital. So again sent to the naughty room. Sat there for some hours. I finally went out for a smoke as I was walking back one of the Mental health workers came over to where I was smoking.

We had a chat bout some things he  was understanding/Listened and gave me some antipsychotics and let me go home.

So I slept last night.

I feel like shite today. No motivation. I’m amazed I can write this. Well least I got 1 more tab for tomorrow.

Peace and Love,

NW

Self Assesment Day

Things that have changed over the last year:

1) Agoraphobia – I can go for walks by myself. Even go shopping alone. Only sometimes panic.

2) Panic Attacks – Unidentified mental illness? I can deal better with colours ( I use to automatically panic at the sight of red couldn’t see it didnt want to cant use red pens only just started witing the word. Or a combination of red, yellow and black) I’ve been using these colours to paint, draw, and yes even wear on my tough days. ( I still feel safer with blue still).

3) Relaxation – Before therapy it was impossible. I just couldn’t for a second. My pre treatment for relaxation was gin and tonic. (and that was almost every night) After hospital and help from my therapist I can sometimes relax by myself (without medication).

4) Unidentified mental illness number 2? – maybe OCD? not quite?

Yes thats right I didn’t skip the number 4 – (I mean jeesh I was in a ward with that very number) now thats a number that makes me shake n sweat then run. I don’t know why but it’ll never give me a sense of comfort or safety. I have started using it tho. For time and calculations which has helped greatly. I must thank my therapist and the hospital, the nurses there who spent the time to go through it with me. Was well worth it. -Yep another four word sentence. I’m o.k.

5) OCD
Although just recently has worsened e.g, Light switches, walking up stairs, washing hands and more. It’s helping me cope. I’m still sticking to my original breakthroughs with OCD and the eating and drinking one. I can now drink a glass of tap water to the end in one go (Most of the time). Walk away from ‘IT’ .I Can sometimes finish meals. I still wash the drinking device 3 times even if it’s clean (partner just walked in saw me tapping keyboard, I stopped he walked out)I started again(ah relief almost) * continues tapping – gets worse. It’s kinda driving me nuts I want to be left alone with the OCD. It’s been there forever almost. Besides it helps with my oil paintings and drawings. I have to get it right. (*killer* determination).
I know I have to do basic things normally or I’ll stick out. I just need to learn to stop earlier before people see. I’m sick of the feelings that go with being caught.

After learning so much I should feel happier. I do about most improvements. I just feel I ‘m such a slow learner and I always forget my medication. I still feel hopeless sometimes. I’m constantly using distraction techniques. Even after learning so much as an in and outpatient I still get nightmares n trouble shaking the depression. I’ll get there. Somehow.

Theres alot more. My ADHD just won’t let me type anymore wants to do something else.

Peace,

NW

Back from Hospital (again)

So I woke up yesterday after a terrible night of nightmares. Decided I’d had enough I wish there was no conflict in my family and we could all accept each other and get along. It seems that is the exact opposite. I felt like I cant pull them together and I felt very lost. Id had enough of the pain as well and cant see an end to it.
I told my psychologist how i was feeling because I have doubts yet strong feelings about suicide. I don’t know what I want or need. She understood me clearly. My therapist and I went out to talk to my partner about it but he didn’t want a bar of it. So my therapist walked me to the A & E. They treated me well there. But really failed the next day upon awakening and going into the interview with a bucket ‘o’ psychs who looked at me and asked how I felt I said I felt sh**. one of them in his PROFESSIONAL opinion said “you don’t look very suicidal” — please tell me what does a suicidal person look like. Just cos I wasn’t going nuts it doesn’t mean that wasn’t happening on the inside. I’m feeling very numb right now so don’t expect this blog to make much sense. So they said I was fit mentally all I needed was a head scan to check if a fracture was causing the TN and try me on a drug called neurontin. Call me uneducated but shouldn’t you address someones suicidal ideation before trying new drugs esp. Gabapentin. I wasn’t gonna hang around so they could fu** me over with these drugs which has a strong link with suicide (google it wiki it). I discharged myself about midday n felt nothing had been addressed. I just wanna try relax as much as possible now. Why am I like this???
Peace,

NW

The Challenge

 I’ve been through so much in the last week all kinds of problems. I’ had cops lookin for me as a missing person a big fight with my partner.

It ended with authorities talking to me sick as in hospital with soreness and ross river.

IN THE HOSPITAL

The doctors seemed skeptical of everything. They asked for documentation for the Ross River Virus. I mean I got there in an ambulance I wasn’t thinking of documentation. So they had  to call all the blood companies to find my results. I must say they did treat me a bit better with that knowledge rather then the previous suspect that I was an addict in withdrawal pain. They have drug screened me every time I’ve been to hospital in the last year or so and of course nothing has come back. I feel like just because I’m young they assume I’m on drugs.

I have alot more to write about this so wait for updates.

Peace,

NW

A whole day in accident & emergency

Well this it what happened yesterday. I woke up at 6 a.m then threw up. then my partner grabbed a bucket and I continued. So after about half an hour of this I decide to have a shower to get the sweat n shivers down(also to clean up but yeah) so I get out of the shower put some clean clothes on and start throwing again it’s about 6:45 now and it’s continuous I dont even get chance to breathe (I swear I took nothing to provoke this). So at about 8 a.m I give in and go to the hospital. They immediately gave me a fantastic drug Maxalon. Yay that was great but it only lasted bout half an hour. They also gave me morphine which worked a treat for the pain but kinda spun me a bit. They did various scans xrays etc . Nurse looks at my cut wrist and says has she got a personality disorder. Talked like I wasn’t there. And no It’s not a personality disorder It’s depression and suicidal feelings. I’m sick of losing the ones I love I’m sick of my own inability to cope and contribute to the world. So yeah they discharged me about 5p.m I was still sick as. So now It’s a day later n Im still sick n cant take anything for it cos it will just be chucked up. I’ll stick to the water n 2 cigs a day. Yeah thats right since I been sick I have been totally inable to even have a cig I can barely move. Cravings arnt to bad I guess cos I’m so sick.

I will look after myself if not for me but my family and friends.

Peace

NW