My Mind Has a Sign For Me – ‘Enter at Own Risk’

I don’t know why I could guess it’s the day-mares (day nightmares) I’m awake but these terrible thing memories play back in my mind, I worry about affecting the future of myself or others by doing things unnecessarily, I think it’s OCD but that doesn’t make it any easier to understand or stop the repetitiveness of these things I must do, It is also taking up much of my time, I cannot keep weight on and am constantly being called ”too skiny” my friend from interstate was even nice enough to say ”Put weight on ya can’t have a six-pack it’s unhealthy for a chick” To that I guess I thank her but there is very little I can do about it as eating has become very unfashionable. I can’t eat very much in fact I can only eat a tiny amount then I just drink loads of water. I am scared that things will kill me or people I know, maybe a stark contrast to how I used to think, I only ever wanted to die. I still find it difficult some days but I don’t even consider suicide anymore. I just try play guitar or write or call my friend in Canada. He is always there but I feel I owe him so much for his help he is in pain too and suffers from Bipolar.

My own mental issues have been engulfed in flames by a lack of a counselor or therapist. My belief that people are generally good has almost disappeared having not yet found a more than one friend I can truly say does only good. But maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much. Or maybe I am blinded by all the bad that happens in front of me.

When my grandma passed away many things happened a lot of fighting in the family and worse they have blamed me for things I didn’t even know were wrong, Like calling my grandmas husband grandpa, Now I get really mean messages on facebook or anywhere I go from my own extended (preferablly further extended) family. They say I can’t call him that. Well that same family member who has a problem with the definition of the word Grandpa has also broken into his house, I would rather say I am not in any way related to them, It just feels so awful.

It has been said ”Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

This is true, I have almost forgotten what a smile is. I feel very flat and very scared, I even asked my doc to check on my therapist from last year, I am worried, & now things are just looking worse. Loosing that pup ”Whitey” has really got to me, it’s been 3 weeks since and every time someone calls up I am expecting bad news so I hang up before I can answer, It also stops bad vibes in the house..!! I think?!? Sometimes when I do what I have to let’s say it’s flicking the light switch 3 times well I have had less TN then I try to find out how the 2 are connected, light =Electrical TN=Electric shocks. I am probably crazier than a cut snake your thinking well least I’m not a bad person and I do know I am crazy so it’s ok, right?… no I need out of here, I need to get back on that darn steep hill and try again, there is a toll gate at the bottom of the hill and I plan in leaning as far down as possible if I don’t make it it will be a messy job for the coroner, But right now I just need something to wake me up out of this. I heard once a man with terrible crippling OCD had had enough of it and shot himself in the head, only to wake up later in the hospital completely unchained from this nightmare he was living. Another case of a woman who had to go to Mexico for a lobotomy as they wouldn’t do it in the states and she was no longer depressed. I am not saying suicide is any kind of answer , there are more methods of getting over things than killing  yourself or your soul. I don’t touch alcohol anymore in a bid to help upstairs, Nothing I try is working, I need some help. I really need it soon. Anyone with experience is welcome to comment below. Bless you. If you are going through the same thing and that’s how you found me. you can email me at ebeboy@hotmail.com maybe we can help each other.

Please universe stop being so cruel and let me live, let me find peace, and for all the sake I can find please stop scaring me. Another page has been torn which means we are another page closer to the monster at the end of this book.

I still miss my brother and a day doesn’t pass without thinking of him and also knowing he will never call me or come back to Aust. I miss him and it’s difficult when he was the one person I could say had as strong morals and convictions as I he is maybe more mature but I know he will always be real, Yet here I am like a rabbit in the headlights and surrounded by foxes.

I know writing this isn’t even helping but it’s the best I got right now, Thanks Mark, Thanks Julian, Thanks Meg (btw babe you’d better be careful doing what I do- I know the sports I do have huge risk and I would hate to see you injured.) Ned your a little different but you still get your point across. you  were well mannered and only punched me out once this year it’s ok I deserved it, Thanks, your help over the years is immeasurable.

Much Loves,

NW

Another night I will be so worried I will just exhaust myself emotionally and get sleep. this has been giving me some relief, my own suffering is actually giving me sleep and rest, Tho I won’t go into the unrest that nightmares are bringing.

“You should really think about quitting dance” Part 2 or End of the world tomorrow.

“The end of the world” can mean many things. Sadly tomorrow will be another day, this poor geologically active planet we destroy day at a time will most likely weaken to the point we do have an increase in natural disasters. As it is we have to live with the current ones. – D

So I went to my dance show, I loved it I was treated real well and felt super supported by the others. I also had the privilege of after 3 years formally meeting one of my favorite dancers, That wouldn’t of happened if I had quit or even taken those words with any seriousness. You can’t kick the dance out of me. It’s in my soul and my heart. It was like telling someone to get over they’re kid and throw them out (Ok there are some cases where this would be the right thing to do.)

My real worry is that well… I’ll save that for next blog

It’s been my life for too long for a doctor I knew for over 2 years I wasn’t going to listen to outside influence.

I really trusted Dr Mark, I feel so strange having a secret only him and I know, I wasn’t serious I just didn’t want any more “Stop dancing talk” from people. I had heard it from so many people who don’t know what I do or what it means for people to see me and get so much enjoyment. He was a great doctor and hopefully will stay that way. So… Well done . You worked me out 😛

Sure It’s great I don’t need to go to the Margaret Tobin Centre again, I’m not touching wood I’m Smacking my head on 2×4. But now I can’t talk to anyone. I’d like to say some things about Mr Mark. But I will keep it in confidence for now, He is a smart person he just made a stupid mistake. He knows I have never hurt anyone. I never will till the day I die. I hope one day he can recover from what I said.

If he was really that scared why didn’t he have me committed or call the police for attempted murder or anything instead he did the socially accepted!!! thing to do and left me out on the street to wait for my ride because after 2 years he couldn’t still fathom that having no drivers license also meant I couldn’t get home.

The only reason the session was 15 mins shorter was because he had someone else to see.

This may stay a subject for a while as it’s made a lot of other things worse. Thanks again Morbid insanity, Your ongoing support has been gold during this trial.

Peace, Love, NW

I think it’s time for some photos for the next post. What’s NW got in store now?

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Doctors,doctors and more doctors.

I have had many mris and mre scans? can’t remember. Allergy tests, consultations on brain surgery which always ends up the same – “sorry the aneurysm is to close to the brain stem and we can’t fix it but we will keep zapping your brain with cts, and mris till we get the answer we want.” Which will never happen it’s just pointless half hour conversation on how TN is just going to be there indeterminately. Then I leave the hospital feeling helpless and useless to the world.

Which brings me to the psychologist who is a great doctor but at the moment I am going through some difficult things with him. I want to get over these thoughts of everything and I trust he can help, I just feel scared to say anything as I would rather try to forget the past. Seems like the right thing to do right, No it’s not We all have to face our problems no mater how hard it seems. Eventually the thoughts are supposed to become so boring I don’t stay up all night worrying.

My GP and Psychiatrist are doing everything they can think of. Bless them.

It probably wasn’t the perfect time to start telling him, as I had a performance to put on in between sessions. I can’t stop thinking about the things I have revealed to him.

I don’t know what I will say everytime I turn up to the session I feel really weird/scared, But as soon as I get in the room I’m ok, He is not intimidating at all and lets me say what I need but also asks me to talk about things which I feel are hurting me in someway, I gotta get out of this head space.

All up I do have very good doctors that do everything in their power to give me some quality of life.

Please don’t think oh but you have skills and qualities others don’t well you all have skills and qualities I don’t. So please don’t compare my “fantastic life” with reality. I have had so many “mental health experts tell me, “You have so much to live for- by the way are you on drugs because u sound blah blah, I am sure on the call list when you ring the help line the first thing they always say is what have you taken? they could just read the file and see I have TN and some/ most of the time I don’t talk perfectly clear. I hung up on the last person to say that. even after I said I am going in a competition (no drugs rule) Why the hell would I compromise that.

Well that’s all I have to say at this time of morning, Peeace, look after yourself and son’t let the big man drown ya.

Nightworrier.

Migraines hell and Trigeminal Neuralgia

On Saturday night I started feeling sick and got a headache which I soon realized was chopping up my vision with black spots. I tried to sleep through but the pounding and blindness was keeping me awake. When I got up I couldn’t talk properly and was partially paralyzed down the right side of my body. I was in so much pain I was scared and the voice in my head telling me I have had enough. I am very edgy I can’t predict what I will do. there is no warning for me that I will just loose it and rid myself of this world take the pressure off the docs family everything.

It’s Tuesday today and I feel worse then I did on Saturday night or Sunday morning. To make it worse yesterday I was putting up lights and fell and hit my head on the towbar of the trailer. Only to wake seconds later with a lump on my head and yet another head ache.

I can’t think of much more to write, I am going to sleep for as long as I can what ever it takes, I just don’t want to wake up on this planet anymore.

I am Sorry, Peace,

Nightworrier

Less Than 24 Hours Ago – Suicide thoughts –

That’s how fast it came down like a tonne of bricks, I started to worry about the world about everything I realized there was no point to my existence, Am I here to just churn out works occasionally hitting a winner. It doesn’t seem important enough with whats going on with the world.  It surely doesn’t change the corrupt system we live in.  So I thought about it some more until 6 this morning. I considered hanging, ODing, Just walking until I couldn’t go any further. I had considered slashing but it is really hard for me and I didn’t want to leave a mess. I couldn’t think of anything else all night.

Then finally I went to bed I somehow knew I would wake up in 2 hours. I even put it on my fb page. So when I wok up at 8 I didn’t really have a different perspective on things but People around me needed me or needed to use me. Either way I always do what they say. I tried to say no to people a while ago but it was just to difficult. I get treated like a fool for my kindness.

I decided to spend the part of the day that I had to myself in the garden and moving rocks to make a rock wall. (Guess I shoulda been building bridges) Ahh just another thought. I have a bridge near me. I have known this fact for a long time and have thought of it many times.

So I didn’t act on any of the thoughts but more then the will of wanting to live it was circumstance that I was bound to stay. It’s hard to do it with someone around unless you can be angry at them and if it isn’t justified then you just end up feeling worse. Sometimes pain makes you want people to hate you so it’s easier to leave. They don’t see life is so unbearable because they see a different me they see A person who is content with life and has anything they want if they try… Well how about this, I don’t want anything anymore I don’t want to try. Actually I lie I want my family and friends to have a beautiful life full of enchanting things that keep them happy. That’s all, I don’t want to dance I don’t want to draw, I don’t like my things, I forget to smoke because I find myself in a four hour stupor of staring mindlessly. Saves money but also shows I am not normal anymore and I don’t mean normal in the casual sense I mean I am forgetting thing that normally should be natural to anyone. If something is hot and I know it and have been told half an hour later I will go back and burn myself again.

I have a friend I consider a very nice ( a little out there, Scares people away/some antisocial issues) but I love him as a friend,  but he is kind of simple and takes a lot of time to do anything Yet he holds down a job, I believe even though I am his only friend I will jump when I’m told to he really takes advantage of having a friend he can count on. If there was a heir achy he’d be up top and have me on the bottom rung. I wish I could enjoy things like he can, He finds out the simplest general knowledge fact and he will be talking excitedly about it for a week,  during that time I may have researched it to death and fallen asleep in 6 hours further reading in a pile of books that lead to obscurities that may have had something to do with the subject in the first place and I still don’t get a kick from it anymore.  It all just doesn’t feel right.

Either way I am not going to guess when and how to stop this feeling it’s a slippery slope as most of you reading know.

I need to sleep now, Do you think the opiates will let that happen? No is the answer for the slight uneducated, After this long sleep doesn’t happen when you want you either fall asleep for 5 minutes or stay up for 3 days. And the doctors wonder why I beg for sleeping tablets. They just wanna dumb me down with ‘Seroquel’ (Side effects include, feeling dumb and knowing there’s a better world, tardive dikinisis pseudo Parkinson, Weight gain, fatigue 1 tablet days of drowsiness and apathy, and many other much worse things ) All the ones I named are side effects I get and it doesn’t do much for the happiness that’s supposed to just exist in the human body.

I wish you all a good night don’t feel bad about the world it’s too much for one, Maybe tomorrow will be different be better and we will all feel safe here on this ever changing planet.

Love you all, Bless you,Salam,

Night Worrier xo

A week too long in Hospital

I initially went in there because my doc wanted me to get my abdominal pain checked out after a few minutes of arriving they admitted me to the short stay operating ward. By this time I was pretty sure the docs were wanting to cut my Appendicitis  out Well after days of waiting they came to me at 6pm on the 28th March n said well lets wheel ya downstairs ( I was/am kinda depressed n kinda hoped She meant downstairs to the morgue) This was not the case instead I went to theatre they did the cuts and when I woke up I cannot tell you how much pain I was in. It was up there with TN, Seeing as I didn’t want to live before the op you can imagine how I felt after…

I took 2 days to recover then came home and thought about some things then realized I am just weighing people down, then they get disappointed with me and I am not comfortable in myself  anyway, I just want to make it easy for everyone. I am sorry I have TN I really don’t want to live like this either, the biggest insult is when people say, Well I have to put up with it as well . No no you don’t you just have to put up with someone who is in agony how painful can that be to an onlooker who leaves because they can’t take it. That just makes me want to end it. People always told me I come first if that’s true then I should have the right to off myself.  Sorry docs I know you really tried especially by telling me off for missed appointments and not being perfectly up to date with everything,  “Have you been? Are you keeping all your meds in order so you take them at the right time?” blh blh more assassination on my spirit, ffs I would just like to tell them my life is hell I don’t feel anymore I don’t care anymore, I feel like an earth reject. Especially with these toxic Neighbours from hell. I really want to take them down before me. They are wasting much more then I am in this world. Why am I writing still I should be finding someway outta this mess. Love to everyone.

Peace, Night Worrier and useless human to society.

Sleeping problems & depression

I started taking a new tablet to help me sleep because my sleeping pattern is all over the place and not much of it so I kinda feel like a  zombie a lot. In a really last ditch effort to sleep with the help of drugs I tried “Mirtazapine” I had heard of it before but thought it was for depression it is in larger doses apparently. With the already disturbing and vividly scary nightmares I already had this increased so much more with the added factor that I didn’t know when the dream had ended and was still in a position to attack someone 20 mins after I got out of bed.

NO WAY turns out I am now sleep deprived and depressed Low as and spiraling. So I am taking some time off it till I see my psychiatrist during the week. I really trust he does the right thing by me. He really listens and helps me a lot (Normally it’s a month to get in but when I called him and explained  he got me an appointment straight away. It was a huge relief to me because I can’t keep trying to live like this it is in every way – crazy- and the more I try to deal with the problems the more rocky situations get. I really hope today I can get my self out a bit or do some sport to get the adrenaline out.  I will do at least one constructive thing today that has got to make me feel better. I think part of my problem is that I need a lot of excitement in my life, real excitement, I think that’s why I have always done extreme sports.  I want to do more but it’s hard when I am so fatigued, It really doesn’t seem fair having a fit strong body that won’t do what I want.  I really have to push hard.  I hope I can get into some routine soon so I can feel secure again instead of this shaking mess. Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW

Yesterday and Today

the difference between yesterday and today is huge, If I had been dead yesterday I wouldn’t have studied and got my car licence,

If I was Dead yesterday there would have been no one proud of what I had achieved.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have enjoyed the sun that blasted it cosmic rays down to us.

If I were dead yesterday I would’ve missed out saving a lizard from the road.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have finished my artwork.

If I were dead yesterday I would have missed so much.

If I were dead yesterday I wouldn’t have met nice people on my street.

On the other hand

If I were dead today I wouldn’t have to put up with this crazy amount of pain (TN probably from being upset)

If I were dead today I wouldn’t have been told by the doctor I will have to wait for my licsence.

If I were dead today I would have kept my cool and not launched an attack.

If I were dead today I wouldn’t careless.

If I were dead today I could have all my control back.

But if tomorrow was to come and give me a hand and break down the walls I want to be a part of it for the good times.

I have realized fully that people in positions of power are prone to let you know. Be careful who you disclose information to, I have one doctor that would put handcuffs on me if it were legal and another who lets me have free reign because he knows that’s the way I will recover. I wish you all the best.

Peace out,

NW

– Just a thought –

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.

It’s Easter, Sunday sometimes religious – sometimes not

My house mates left chocolates and a note when I woke up i really thought it was very thoughtful. I had some friends over last night for drinks, I really feel like having another drink now. I have been so tired lately and getting up again at night from nightmares, I think I just feel a bit out of place some times it’s really hard to explain.I woke at 5pm today and will work out a bit then sleep. I really wanna have a cigarette, quitting is so passe. well I am going to attempt some strengthening exercises for facial and emotional pain and get these bad feelings to float away rather then weigh me down to cider or gin. The anxiety I have right now is terrible and is bad because I have learned that’s a trigger to bad depression if I don’t do something, At least writing this down will assure me that I have things to do and more options then hiding or falling in a heap. I’m still going forward maybe slow but I have more then 2 options now and that is very important. I must go to the chemist tomorrow I have avoided the last 3 times!!! and I think they will be thinking I’m weak. It’s just some days I cant do it. I will do it. Everything seems a bit random and out of sorts you could say unpredictable. Well that’s the way it is right now. Getting better… I think.
I will stay calm,
Peace,
Nw