Stayed up all night. Again

Well last night I had to stay up. Mainly cause I was very drowsy n could barely utter words. I took more then my normal dose of pain killers (emergency) one extra if your wondering. It seems that one extra at this stage doesn’t go down well at night time with Valium other sedatives and Oxycontin. I mean. I know thats askin for trouble. Even the Phenergen on top didnt help me sleep through the pain.

It was only after the taste of the last seditive left my mouth I started slowing down. a lot. real shallow breathing. Couldn’t stay with it. was completely vaguing out, scary as. I didn’t know what was happeneing. After putting 2 and 2 together I realised I’d pretty well overdosed. But no . No hospital for me . Never not if I break my leg or need stitches. I’ll do It myself. (No offence to the nurses) But docs come on make a proper diagnosis (It’s not called emergency for nothing). Plus I’m  sure some of the staff just want to watch me jump.  Don’t wait for me to struggle at home for days while my private GP runs extensive and conclusive tests. Kudos to her.

Question – Why Can’t hospital docs help with mental illness?

Answer – because they’re not hospital docs they’re just crisis councilors half who couldn’t care less. And if you are lucky to have your 20 seconds with the hospital psychiatrist. They smile and open the door for you. They may as well supply a map to the roof. There is only one psychiatrist who truly listens in the emergency psych team. He was and probably still is understanding and as I know has helped many others.

Oh yeh the other reason is they judge you on first appearance.  Awesome traits to have in humans hey???

So in my stubborn way I have stayed awake through the whole night with the occasional. “Oi don’t die on me” which strangely woke me up. eyes not capable of seeing. Only faint sounds of speech.

Well I played X box, Uno and went to the look out to watch the sunrise. I don’t know why but I finally felt some peace.

I really hope I sleep a bit tonight I’m hopeless (no I mean hopeless without sleep. I need like 10 – 15 hours so I’m not full of anxiety. Yeah prob sound like a lot but my only close to sane times are times when I’ve had a clockwork sleep pattern.

Ahh well. Let’s hope for some rest tonight.

Peace,

NW

S**t Happens

 I’ve had a hard couple of days mentally. Seems It’s not easy as I thought this getting better business. Struggling hard after I wake up to separate dream from reality. This plays a nasty part of my day and anyone who wakes up around me. It also means you may catch me drinking or taking a couple extra benzos. Usually trying to fade the day away till Its gone.  So I didn’t want to go down either of these routes yesterday I chose the uncommon and highly unpopular way of dealing with things. Cutting. Yes it may be low call it what you want it was my way of dealing with it at the time.  I know of other ways of coping but I just havent done them. eg, rubberband flicking, distraction.

I feel stupid now so It’s not like I’ll be rushing to do it again. But hey who knows. The future is’nt predictable. I’m just gonna chill n play xbox till the bad feelings pass.

Peace,

NW