S**t Happens

 I’ve had a hard couple of days mentally. Seems It’s not easy as I thought this getting better business. Struggling hard after I wake up to separate dream from reality. This plays a nasty part of my day and anyone who wakes up around me. It also means you may catch me drinking or taking a couple extra benzos. Usually trying to fade the day away till Its gone.  So I didn’t want to go down either of these routes yesterday I chose the uncommon and highly unpopular way of dealing with things. Cutting. Yes it may be low call it what you want it was my way of dealing with it at the time.  I know of other ways of coping but I just havent done them. eg, rubberband flicking, distraction.

I feel stupid now so It’s not like I’ll be rushing to do it again. But hey who knows. The future is’nt predictable. I’m just gonna chill n play xbox till the bad feelings pass.

Peace,

NW

Pain and Insomnia

Well its 5:45 in the morning Once again I went to hospital yesterday. This is how it goes. I was too suicidal to give pain or anxiety medication to. So I said as they discharged me so am I gonna have withdrawals? The nurse looked at me and was sad to say yes. I walked out to be picked up still with pain all over.

They say don’t worry it’s just stress. How can I be happy about that. It really hurts to be in the middle of earth and the heavens. Why won’t any doctors hear me. I’m in so much pain right now and theres nothing I can do. I’ve had the last of my contraband analgesics. So If I live to see the next six days. Im goin to my doc to get some real help.

I cut myself again. I was so angry and in physical pain. I cut the back of my leg. It helped momentarily. I just want to do it all over just to cope for now. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I think I’m pretty depressed. No …… I’m sure I am.

I’ve been doing what my therapist said. Mindfulness and relaxation excercises are a gold things to learn. It’s Just when things start to become to much I have trouble slowing down. So much I cant put anyone through anymore of it. They don’t know how to help and neither do I.

Funny or not so funny thing is I’m making plans of escape. People are also funny. They want you to live. (But they don’t quite know why) Thats what I asked a mental health nurse.

Owwwwww everyhing hurts. This is real s***.

Everyone is demanding to know my secrets. I love these people but hey leave me alone or help – don’t push.

I have had it. It’s my life. Or not.

Peace,

NW

btw fellow bloggers have helped my situation. Somewhat more then crisis call numbers.

Good Luck for 2008