I tried to off myself

Things were getting out of control, I had felt I was never going to get anywhere, I’m not sure if that thought has changed yet, I won’t go into details about what I did because I don’t want any of you to get any ideas!?! OK? Right so I lost it at he world which made my partner pretty upset, I explained it wasn’t his fault I was angry but he locked himself away to get away from the chaos I was making.

Then out of no where I realized no one would care if I was gone In fact I can see them standing around saying she didn’t even leave money for the funeral etc.(I was in throbbing pain at the time as well) I Did the fastest thing I could that I knew would get me out of this dark place, My partner must have heard something and came running in, He Was very calm with me and we sat down and tried to fix things without doctors or mental health acis as I cannot rely on them to help in any way, I have asked enough times, And they have said enough times well just do it then, or you haven’t done it yet so your chances are nil. Well that is now proven to be wrong!!! I nearly completed.

I can’t express enough how important it is to find someone you can trust, In my state south Australia they do not treat suicide attempts at hospital (or anywhere) they send you straight home and back to the place in your head you were trying to escape. This probably contributes to the very high suicide rate that is not often published.

I don’t know how to ask for help next time I just hope I can hold it together for however long this hellish depression lasts.

Much love to my family, even though we always lived close being hours apart doesn’t mean I love you any less, I just never get to see you all that often, and for my friend in Canada your one promise I made with you I promise I will keep.

Peace, Love,

NightWorrier.

1.52 am

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to ba calling my pain doc in the morning to hear the good news that I will be switching medication due to alot of reasons. Basically the patches are not working well with me anymore well I must say that they only worked well half the time and I think anything has got to be better then that even if only a short time till we find something new. Today has been dreadful for me. I woke up anxious and stayed that way throughout the day almost unable to speak or do anything. So I don’t know where this is going but I’m very glad I have a benzo to fall back on. I have not been eating well. Probably drinking too much and smoking. I’ve also been working out and dancing so I feel very run down. I guess that would attribute to the feeling I have right now. Why do I feel sad during the day??? Every day. I think I don’t like the world very much right now. The telescope has been far the flavour. It gives me what nothing else can an enormous feeling of space and and a connection with the vast emptiness between beautiful things.
As for now I must remain seated and quiet until I figure out my future. I am quite worried about it at the moment. In one aspect. I am getting better at being in public in another I am falling apart with everything else. I don’t know how I still smile. well. I smile to show confidence. There is another thing I am enjoying right now well. I am tolerating is music or dead silence. I don’t want to hear another complaint or news or anything!!! Can everyone just get along. Be honest and live well. Where am I? I hope I find out tomorrow. The suspense is killing me. Another page closer.
Love you
Peace,
NW