Christmas…

Is Christmas the most stressful time of year? Probably. I’m guessing most of my readers didn’t have a perfect family reunion with love and hugs. But I’d like to share my Christmas day or not as it were. So I had planned a quiet Christmas just my partner n me have a drink at home smell the Christmas tree, Watch some movies. In early December both my parents had made arrangements and as it was I was not going to see them on Christmas, Then at the last minute they all change there minds, I feel like I’m playing “towers” with my family just so there’s no disputes or accidental run ins. The day before Christmas I saw my Mum and her boyfriend he seems nice. We went to a local cafe and drank some coffee and had some cake we exchanged our gifts and hugs. It would have been a good picture, nice sunlight out where we sat. Was nice just to be out there and even if I wasn’t actually included in the rest of the family gatherings I got a couple hours out with Mum and it was ok.
Then on Christmas day gee for the sake of my parents I should really split this paragraph. Ok then now I woke on Christmas morning with still a glimmer of hope things would go OK and there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. As I said My Dad also had changed his plans. I was really happy to see him when he arrived at the door about 3 in the arvo he and his wife came inside I greeted them and we sat down. What happened then was silence not any kind of silence but the sort that you know somethings wrong and no one is talking. So I try spark the conversation like a kid with wet matches and on a soaked carpet. Eventually after a few minutes Dad mentions there is a problem on his wifes side of the family and Dad being the guy he is put it away and explained the issue. I felt for them but I don’t regard what the problem was Was something you should carry with you all day or even really give it more then a few minutes thought as it doesn’t really concern me much I don’t mean I don’t care but these things are personal and should be left alone as to help others enjoy the one day of the year we must try to get past our issues and celebrate and share love and show love for whatever reason you do. Christian or not. I tried to make the room more comforting and offered many things. I felt a bit helpless in that way. On the other hand when We got talking we had a good time, I think I even managed not to mention (whinge) about pain. So I saw both my parents that showed me love and I felt good about that, The downer of it was that I wasn’t included in the major family celebrations. So I had Christmas drinks to celebrate, lucky for me no real reaction to my meds. Boxing Day was going to be my only chance at a real catch up with family but he real kicker for that one was I woke up on Boxing day in so much pain on and of like a flickering light. It just wouldn’t stop. I started to feel suicidal. Now don’t say oh your only feeling that cos ya sad and hiding the horrible truth of your own life from yourself. I felt suicidal because I know the cures for TN are so inconsistent, And mine being set off but an aneurysm or vessel near the T.N I’m not convinced at all that these ‘new’ techniques will work and wont have horrid long-term side effects. Want an example of ‘new’ techniques ECT which was first used in the 30s. Instead of a barbaric wooden spoon in the mouth and 50 volts for two tenths of a second put on the temples to the ‘new technique’ they knock out the patient with a strong benzodiazepine do the same thing they did in the 30’s but now the patient wakes up with a slightly lesser headache. On the same subject does it even work? Well it’s subjective it might work sometimes but in the case of my room mate in the last ward I was in. She killed herself not a year after leaving the ward. So maybe it works for some but I know it doesn’t work for all. I still miss her a lot.
Again I am in so much pain its starting to cycle. the morning is usually the easiest then as the day drags on things get harder fun is harder to find, dancing and being creative are right there in my head but unable to get it all out. This is really hard to deal with pain an d depression, sitting here writing has helped slow down the adrenaline that was at first racing through my muscles and making me feel like I can’t move and I feel really sensitive. So sensitive a small fight or disagreement with my partner can cause me to feel at ends ya know like finishing it all. The adrenaline pumps I start to worry no one likes me anyway I’m too difficult. I even asked my partner today If I was to difficult, he agreed and in that split second I wanted to die. I’m to young to be a burden like this. Also having major problems chewing my face is extra sensitive as well right now so. You can only guess how I feel about this. Very angry with the pain. With the small amount of sleep I am getting I am getting quite irritable the sleep I do get is usually a nightmare yep those ones that drag on all the next day and get reminded of the nightmare by many things. My partners new way of grieving is being totally ADHD and this is driving me nuts. Just because of his hyper behavior I have also thought about killing myself. Its so painful in my face, Its so painful to watch people who aren’t scared every second a terrible horrible pain that will strike at any moment they eat ice cream and drink and eat what they want, a breezy day won’t keep them in the house. I can almost do those things now but on a lot of medication. These almost perfect beautiful people all around me. I feel like nothing. I am looking forward to a better life.
Love, Peace,
Night Worrier

I Needed Help for depression and I got Some

You probably think what a lame title but this is a tremendous thing and unfortunately amazing. I called the crisis line because I felt I had come to a very boring end full of blandness and lacking color , the void in my head was so bad it converted to a full body encompassing numbness, Apathy wouldn’t give the feeling justice but a further look through the thesaurus seems to be lacking the word or no words that I need to explain this place, Because it is a place it’s me and my place is in a different slightly skewed yet similar world to most others. I have many things happening in the ‘real world’ I must be brave and face eg. docs, docs and problems, going out. But in my world which is 24/7 Things are dim and the tunnel that spirals down gets gradually darker. I can’t see my friends in this world and don’t give them the respect they so deserve. I can’t see anything I like I can’t feel the sound of a good song I can’t taste a grape from a jalapeno. The day seems not to change time 10am or 3pm or 2a.m all feel the same.
Back to the crisis line, I had just made a plan to commit suicide and felt like I was only doing it because the way I feel right now wasn’t all that right, I was full of all kinds of feelings of confusion like being in a maze with just smoke and mirrors everywhere and the maze is seemingly impossible to get out of. The lady was very understanding but did call the police because I was telling her the truth that i was suicidal but On the other hand I wanted to live. I felt so depressed 100%. Now Im about 70%. But this is 4 days later and it goes up and down I think we need to go past 100 sometimes to be accurate. So I went to hospital via police and waited in the waiting room for 3 hours, I asked triage if I could leave I don’t know why I was a bit delusional and people looked weird. She asked me to sit back down so I did then I got anxious and depressed so I had a few clonazepam to calm down when I saw the mental health nurse i lied and said I was completely fine I was just suicidal and needed to sleep it off, Some reason he didn’t believe me and returned a couple of times before I confessed, Then they had to put monitors etc on me to watch breathing n heart. So I was woken up every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t fall too far asleep. I was treated with dignity even though what I did makes me feel very ashamed. I didn’t feel any feelings of happiness or even that I could stand the blandness of life around me the next day I just worried they would put me in a ward. This whole thing repeated minus the OD 1 day later, Because I am still very unwell with depression. and using my antidepressants every day doesn’t seem to be working. I will try them for one more week but if they cause me to go to hospital again I’m stopping regardless.
You just wish you could press reset. Start again with the wonderful feeling of love everywhere and the clouds rain special reasons just for you or the smell of excitement in the air when the Christmas trees are on display at the servos. The idea of getting a meal and a dvd to watch and even if it isn’t that good movie you still feel like you did something, A block of chocolate to share with a friend and having a smile about life. Forget the terrible things in the past and only think of what you like to do now and just do it. The feeling of never giving in and always getting better, fitter, brain well exercised. A song come on the radio and reminds you of the good times.
The sad thing about the last paragraph is that I know things were good in ways. I knew how much I loved the feel of a new leaf on a tree and a koala looking down at me plus all the above.
Like everyone in the world I don’t want to be forgotten, left out, ill treated, unloved, depressed for no reason. I think writing helps me figure out my weaknesses and strengths in this life. I know now I feel like I have learned a bit about myself I previously was either unaware of or in denial of. I really want to live and I really want to join the crowd of people that live relatively normal lives my friends. They have helped me so far through this even with the help of the hospital We all still need someone to love a friend to talk to and a life to look forward to.
The monster That lurks in silence continues to stalk my every hour but as long as I don’t turn around I should be walking a safe path. Hopefully the feeling of hopelessness and despair will fade in time, any worse and I need some assistance. (I feel so weak when I have to ask for help)
Peace, Salam, Love
N.W
Take care of yourselves even when it’s dark, even If you have to ask someone a crisis line can be good or bad but it worth it before making such a big decision as wiping yourself off the planet. xxx Jeez even just write it down or give yourself some kind of time before you do it. You might change your mind as it becomes too late.
Love
NW

A Mental Mind Fuck (A story about a guy named John)

I don’t know how long it’s been since I have felt normal (my normal). Feels like way too long. Trying to break free of the evil curse that is most of my life. How would one go around this extensive problem, Write a list of pros and cons, Go see a specialist!!!, Make new friends, Learn how to walk a tight rope (no seriously), Try and piece it all back together or go the easy way out.
I wanna try. I think I want to live, Just I might let down a few people… But is that anyway to live. Example, A a man walks by and says to a depressed man on his patio “Hi John how’s your day?” John says “Well just splendid” “This morning I got up hated myself a little more and am staying alive for the sake of a few people” “That’s nice *faces away back on his journey* – I’m going for a jog see ya! (but in reality they don’t really ever want to see you again.) So how does John feel now? Better or worse? What if this happens everyday. Do you think John would get lonely even more depressed then he even thought he could be. I think so. I think John and I have a lot in common.
I am trying and have been trying to fit in to this … society since as far back as I can remember. Just about everything I did or tried was ridiculed by others. I kept my head up and moved on. I’m really sick of doing this. Thank you to the ones that believed in me and still do. You are gold people you shine in the dark.
Tomorrow is another day. And just maybe a new friend will appear or maybe I will have to invent some.
I have still a handful of people who live around this planet I will love forever as friends. If I have to say goodbye to my current ones so I don’t get hurt anymore. So be it. It still hurts though.
Peace out,
NW

3 Days

3 days and I can’t get my head on straight still. My friends still are not visiting and not answering my calls, I haven’t done anything for this to happen. But bad things have been said about me and its hard for them to be unsaid. Now I must move on or die. I feel like dying after really trying to get my friends back but with nothing and no reason. I have felt like killing myself for the last 3 days… I can’t eat. I’m scared and having thoughts that are bad and repetitive to the point it is very hard to think or write. I don’t want to eat. I hate the taste, I hate the bad feelings it causes by the thought of it. I don’t really know what to do anymore I’m sorta trying to fit in. I can see reality it’s running along the other side of the fence a bit ahead of me. But I still somehow think my track is the right one. I can tell people are getting suspicious of my ways. I am not always normal and sometimes I can’t tell till afterward then I get confused and feel chaotic again. I really need to see my Psychiatrist soon. I think a change of anti psychotic could be in order. I will have to trust him. trust isn’t one of my strong points now but it’s all I have left with this feeling. Or I could end up down the drain.
Peace,
NW

It’s the 16th of October

What will happen today? I don’t know I woke up this morning close to my partner. I had nightmares but didn’t talk about them I just said good mornng and got up for a shower. I realize today being another cold drizzly day I’m feeling a little down. My ribs kinda hurt so I cant train indoors even if the weather was nice I couldn’t dance outside. Which leaves me with a few options. I could play with my rats for a while, Paint with some water colours or oils maybe charcoal. I just don’t seem to want to express much at the moment. Then there’s my rhinestone setter which can keep me occupied for hours.
Im also kinda sad my friends wont call me or really have anything to do with me. They always send messages like “yeah I catch up this week.” 3 weeks later. Still the same message. I’m learning not to trust people again. It’s a good thing. I have past memories of people saying they will see me again only to have them kill themselves or die in a terrible accident or find they have got all the help they need from me and move on. The less friends the better. The few I do trust are very wonderful people and are the real only reason I want to live.
All day so far and it’s only 12 I have felt nothing but angst and frustration. I know there’s a whole day of this to go.
I really don’t like these days. I wish I could have enough time away from the noise. Enough so I can think for myself. It would give me just a little more control over what I do even weather I eat or not today.
What will happen today???
I’m so nervous. I will take my Clonazepam and hope things start to settle down.
I’ll update later and see how things go.
Peace,
Night Worrier

New Challenges

Everyday is a struggle but I push myself out of bed even if I’ve had only a couple of hours sleep and or had nightmares. I make my way to the fridge and drink an ‘up and go’ which for those unaware is like a chocolate drink in a carton with more nutrition then I’m likely to get throughout any given day. I have a 3 minute shower and look out the back window to see the new day. Lately the weather has been unpredictable and drizzle and grey clouds don’t really whip up happiness. So maybe the docs right I have sunlight affective disorder. Or maybe I’m just human. After feeling worn out from pain of TN that usually occurs every morning.
occasionally I wake up in pain and that is hell on earth. Hell on earth.
I have started guitar lessons with good tutor. I am learning slowly but it’s an excellent way to relax when I’m feeling like I’m getting uptight. I have only learned a few chords and sounds but it’s a lot better then I expected. I thought I was doomed to fail the guitar as my previous attempts have been very poor. I thought it was a good opportunity to take the fear from the guitar and get to a level I’m happy with. I’d like to play a few tunes one day. If I keep practicing I will. I am already feeling better about it.
It has helped a lot especially lately with the return of some unwanted monsters, one of which is anxiety and panic attacks. If I could go a whole day with out one it would make my life so much easier and less scared of the next one, It’s as unpredictable as T.N. Not as painful but nearly as scary. There are more monsters chasing me about but I’ll leave that for another entry.
I’m trying to get better as fast as possible, I take zyprexa to help with my appetite but it is not working nor is it helping the sleep.(It is somewhat helping with the back round noise I’d like it to last a bit longer. From what I recall in the past Olanzapine (zyprexa) has caused me to eat and even put on a couple of kilos. This time round it’s the opposite I have no desire to eat and feel awful if I do. I’m not sure whats going on. I have not to my recollection ever had this much trouble eating.
Doctor news. Well I have been waiting a long time to see a doctor that practices closer to my home instead of a 45 minute drive, Which is very difficult as I feel bad about having to ask for help from my support workers to drive me. It’s a waste of time (not always)I could be talking with my support worker over a coffee, Or participating in something constructive.
I am now really needing a closer doctor and maybe even have a medicine review. It totally destroys the whole concept that I am supposed to not think about pain when so many hours a week waiting at the pharmacy picking up medications, having doctor appointments, Screaming when I need breakthrough medication, remembering to take my tablets 3 times a day, Enjoying something then I get a severe attack. I can’t help but feel how unfair this is, I was brought up not to believe in unfairness but This has changed things for me. I look at things differently according to what my T.N will allow.
Apart from all that I do manage to find the time to paint, Play guitar/trumpet, Hang out with my dogs, Ride my bike around the backyard, Even break dance when I’m not in too much pain T.N or ross river which I thought would have gone by now, It comes back ever time I have a cold or flu and makes my knees, elbows, ankles and wrists really hurt and slightly swell. I would just like to have a day with no physical or emotional/mentally distress. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.
I will continue to work on my focusing method to ease the pain it seems to work. Just a little trick I learned one day when the pain became unbearable and suicidal I stared at a light which I concentrated on until the pain gave me a few seconds relief. Now I have a rock in my bag/pocket in case. I can take it out and focus on it in emergencies. But for real emergencies I’m not messing about any more Anaphylactic shock, fainting, loosing the plot. Any of the above I now don’t mind if I end up with a night in hospital. Better then being dead hey? Well so a few people I know think, Love to you souls who want to see me doing better, and getting out of this pain.
Well I have to go practice guitar for a while in substitute for my clonazepam. In all honesty the clonazepam works a treat for the TN but isn’t the greatest for anxiety I already have a problem with he colour of the pill (and the cost $$$) but anything for the TN. I’m hoping someone can help me more with the panic attacks and intrusive thoughts. The thoughts are getting rougher and more consuming. I really feel like I am going crazy, my friends have assured me I am not and it will pass, I really want that to happen soon. I feel like life should cut me a little slack so I can use what tools I have to try and repair the damage in my head. Well I need a dose of guitar now.
Peace,
NW

I really have a lot on my mind and when I get the chance I will right it down, It usually helps me get some of my brain in order. If I fail I will just take the Olanzapine and go to bed and have a good long sleep. I should wake feeling much better then this.

Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo

Making Improvements About (Through persistant pain)

Here and there where I can I am trying to improve myself. I thought it would help me feel happy instead its just left me feeling like there is always more to do(whether I want to or not). Im trying to fill my days with amusing things. dancing, painting and going to groups. I feel like there”s a lot left to express but I am constantly fighting barriers. I barely get the time to be me. These barriers I talk about are everywhere. When it comes to my chronic pain. I am expected to pick up my meds daily. This is insane.  I have asked what have I done to deserve this. My doctor tells me he has the drug and alcohol department on his case. I don”t receive any breakthrough pain medication!!! Why can”t I be treated for my pain appropriately. Not when it”s right for the department but rather when I suffer.

They don”t see the screaming unbearable pain I live with everyday yet they make rules on how I live survive day to day. If (When I suffer insomnia) I am expected to just deal with it till it passes could be days without sleep or months without more then 5-6 broken hours. Quality of life should play a major part in someones health care. Doctors need they”re rights. They know the patient and the patient can have a stonger role in theyre management giving control back to the patient.I know if I felt more control over my pain I would have a lot more control in my life in general.

Everyday I am feeling fatigue and pain through my entire body but mainly the joints knees and elbows. Severe migraines and two thumbs that got hyper extended and chipped bone. I can’t dance let alone hold a cup of tea. I think you can see where this is going. Not just for me but the many thousands of people in pain being treated inappropriately without decency Where do they expect our hearts and minds to end up if we are controlled and treated so harshly at the same time trying to make the best of a painful life… I haven”t even bothered telling my doctor as I have come to realise it doesnt matter how bad the pain gets (Or what it does long term). Most doctors are more worried what will happen to them if they help a patient!!! Don”t believe it?

Cut and paste the  medical disgrace

http://www.dfps.org.au/?page_id=35

On another note. I have been going out more often as you read I have to go to the chemist every day!!! apart from that I went to a street dance session in town. That was fun. Lots of new faces. I stayed a few hours and walked to the station and caught the train home. That was a huge leap. But not as comforting as I expected. I was quite afraid of being alone. Like a kid lost in a supermarket I made my way home. I walked in the house I think in the back of my mind I was expecting a big welcome home congratulations sign with balloons and a bouncy castle but no. The cup of tea my partner made was certainly satisfactory and made me feel at home again.

There was another dance event on tonight I was going to attend but a last minutes message changed the night. “” Sorry dancers, we cannot allow underage dancers into the event because of licencing”” My dance crew are all 17 and aren”t allowed until they are 18. This is a huge let down and I invited them. They were gonna have the time of they”re lives.  Since finding this unfortunate news out. My earlier conversation with my partner saying if I go out I”ll have a drink (as this is very rare). I”ll have to have it here then (Sorry gotta be human sometime). A treat I guess you could call it. I am so disappointed and upset at myself for devastating the guys.

Well thats my small rant. Trust me more to come…

Peace,

NW

Only a 3 More Nights!!!

The new year is arriving and I have very mixed feelings. I’m feeling anxious most of the time but the level of anxiety has definitely lessen since I got to start a new pain medication that doesn’t yet seem to have side effects. I have danced a lot more with the crew which has helped get me through a lot. Even if I really don’t feel like it.  Then again I don’t feel like doing anything!!!

Christmas. What was all that then? I went to my Dads for Christmas to meet up with family and give them presents. I felt not very welcome, I was not greeted by the  step brothers out the front. Almost like I wasn’t there.  I walked in the main room where everyone was sitting the looked at me briefly and carried on. (Like anxiety problems aren’t enough) It was mostly my Dads wifes family in there. They didn’t talk to me at all. I gave them some xmas  cards. I saw my Nanna in there and gave her painting and card. She was surprised to see me. She thought I wasn’t going to be there.!?!? ( I have never missed a Xmas at Dads)  She told me my Aunty was at the outside setting. I went out there to give her present and card. I was happy to see my cousin out there with his girlfriend. My aunty reacted quite similar when she saw me. Eyes wide open, jaw dropped. She then said sorry I didn’t know…? I was starting to feel strange at this point.  My cousin was glad to see me. A few long minutes later my other aunty showed up. Again very shocked that I was there (at my Dads house!!!) She said she didn’t think I would be there once again. I was feeling less and less welcome. Dad came out and saw me briefly for a few second for use to exchange gifts. I didn’t get any time to talk to him. I stayed for a few hours. Then left with everyone else.

How did it come to this. They are close relatives. They didn’t know anything about my life. In fact not sure weather they knew I was alive. I can’t believe meeting up with everyone could leave me feeling this empty and alone.I feel at this time in my life I need to know people care about me more then ever.

I am still shocked. I thought that having family living close by I could have someone to talk to but as location and situations with both sides of my family I am feeling like I don’t have anyone  go to.

On top of these burning feelings. I’m still quite anxious and having panic attacks quite often. Which is unusual because the ADHD medication usually decreases my anxiety. This is kinda telling me I have a long road to go to find relief from this awful monster. The depression as I mentioned earlier must be quite bad right now as my thoughts about things and the world are feeling %100 meaningless. I hate to get up in the morning I hate to live through the day and night time well it’s just another night. What is wrong with me? I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now. I haven’t told the doctor because if I do he will take me off my pain meds and that’s a quick way to kill someone with chronic pain and depression. I want to get better. I just have very little will atm.

So what do I have to be Happy about? Well I’m trying this new medication that probably wont kill me. (yay Sarc) I have a few friends but I don’t feel like socializing. The end of the year is coming.  Goodbye 2009.

Peace,

NW

CBT at the Beach

A couple of days ago we were in the middle of a heat wave. 43 degrees. So we went snorkelling. I thought this would make great CBT. I had calmed my nerves from the ride down and was ready to visit my sea buddies.

As we got out of the car a plane was flying over the water  then a huge siren. I approached the jetty which I was walking down to get to the reef.  I noticed everyone had left the water and as I was walking down the jetty snorkelers were walking past me saying “at your own risk mate” I got the Idea. as I was getting in the water people were saying there’s a shark around. I never saw it but about 5 minutes of swimming and a cop walked up to the end of the jetty and asked us very politely to leave the water. He could tell we were not going to and left it to us.

I noticed a mass of neverending fish swimming all in the same direction towards the few swimmer. Some people got a bit scared and assumed the mass of fish was because of something larger chasing them. Like I said I never saw the shark and because of my weak circulation I was only able to swim for a short time. When I got out of the water I couldnt feel my hands it lasted till I got home and had a warm shower.

We walked along the beach after wards just enjoying the shallows and making a copy of the 4 metre white pointer out of sand.

My sand shark

I will try and go to the beach again soon.

Peace,

NW