Breaking the Cycle (Before it’s all too bad)

Last night I was feeling fairly upset at the situation with my family who I love. I was feeling left out and was reassured this wasn’t the case. I made a fuss and probably spoiled a few peoples evenings, yes I felt bad and still do. But I had to say something, it’s nearly a month and I still have no contact with one family member.
I understand he is busy but a phone call just on a break or getting into bed a quick sms. But nothing so I wait. I love him so much and just want to say how much I love him… but this made me feel upset especially trying to deal with some mental issues which are like a new slap in the face.
I was falling down in my head last night,, worried this would be it. I have felt that many times but lately with the lack of actual help out there… The consideration becomes a reality. So another one of those nights I figured – me struggling with inner demons. Then I hear my mates bike turn up, The noise in my head starts to settle a a bit almost inaudible or just gibberish. I welcomed him in and was happy as heck to have someone break my crazy-cycle. We stayed up all night watching SouthPark and movies, Some of the movies kinda creeped me out a bit (everything is kinda scary at the moment kinda like the feeling I had when I was first Agoraphobic and didn’t leave the house for a year. This is strange). They weren’t even horrors, Mainly kids stuff bar the Southpark. We drank Sambuca till dawn and rode bikes around the backyard. I took my medication responsibly. I think I deserve the occasional drink though. Lately it’s been a bit more then occasionally. But It is helping a lot with all the mental feelings… Till it wears off. Then I get it all back and most likely some TN attacks. I have got to smile sometime. I had a good night even tho it’s 6pm the next day while I write this I still feel just strong enough to handle stuff. But I can see that I could be easily broken. Feels like hmmm like my brain and thoughts are very fragile. That’s the only way I can really put it. The olanzapine is working OK for night time and trying to sleep through the thought that are to fast to catch up to. I need to remember to make my new psychiatrist appointment tomorrow (I don’t think I’ll remember much at all tomorrow)
Most of this post is probably a bit displaced or part of a story due to lack of sleep. But sitting here with olanzapine has at least slowed me and let me gather some thoughts.
I realized a few moments ago this is the anniversary of my dog B leaving the planet in 2005. I miss him a lot and I love the dogs I have now as well.
I will go and continue my painting now and try not to slide to far.
Love to all
Peace,
NW
Thanks P and T xxxooo

Why Bother…

Have friends if they leave you when you need them most.

To get over mental problems when there is only a small chance your doctor will ever look after your physical ones.

Going to bed when the next day is a bigger let down then the  last.

Sleep, When all I get is nightmares.

To  Help when most of the people you come across would rather screw you over then help the mass ignorance.

Teaching the youth the right way when the Adults all get scared and throw accusations at you.

Start a fire on a cold morning When you know the meds make it impossible to control your own temperature anyway.

Giving a statement to police when nothing ever comes of it.

Move out when freedom is always in my heart.

Chain smoking with out a lot of whiskey.

Trying to lift the mental illness when it will be used against me for the rest of my days.

Quit smoking when I like it. (they say ‘life is short’)

Write a song when it will be sad.

Paint a oil when the angels will be falling out of the sky.

Miss my dead friends when it just reminds me about what we don’t have on earth.

Dance if there is no one to enjoy it.

To Wake up.

…Because there is still a chance of a rainbow tomorrow.

Peace,

NW

-Mother always told me be careful who you love

Be careful what you do ’cause the lie becomes the truth- MJ

Nervous. Anxiety and Panic

I haven’t been able to hold myself still just to watch tv or sit and read I am constantly shaking and nervous. Its what I would rate as a medium anxiety feeling not too little but not so much its likely to turn into a panic attack. And before you think “oh don’t worry the panic attacks only last half an hour ” because after that I’m back to being nervous which is just a much lesser version of the panic. Still a very distressing feeling. I really don’t know what to do about this.

I feel like I am being supported more then ever in my life but  for a  reasons I will probably never know I feel alone and scared. Trying not to show it is tearing me at the seams.

I feel like running away. I don’t know how or where but just to survive without doctors and stress of everything.

The neighbours aren’t giving up. Throwing bottles on the backyard cement. I worry about my dogs. Why!!! Cant’ they just get on with they’re own lives and stop this kids play.

I am too nervous to go out tomorrow. I am supposed to go to a group but I am shaking and i can’t get my head around the fact I’m gonna have this pain for – Who knows – I just wanted a free life. I know others have it bad too but its all personal and a totally different individual view on life, pain and freedom.

Peace,

NW

Gonna try get some sleep.

Making Improvements About (Through persistant pain)

Here and there where I can I am trying to improve myself. I thought it would help me feel happy instead its just left me feeling like there is always more to do(whether I want to or not). Im trying to fill my days with amusing things. dancing, painting and going to groups. I feel like there”s a lot left to express but I am constantly fighting barriers. I barely get the time to be me. These barriers I talk about are everywhere. When it comes to my chronic pain. I am expected to pick up my meds daily. This is insane.  I have asked what have I done to deserve this. My doctor tells me he has the drug and alcohol department on his case. I don”t receive any breakthrough pain medication!!! Why can”t I be treated for my pain appropriately. Not when it”s right for the department but rather when I suffer.

They don”t see the screaming unbearable pain I live with everyday yet they make rules on how I live survive day to day. If (When I suffer insomnia) I am expected to just deal with it till it passes could be days without sleep or months without more then 5-6 broken hours. Quality of life should play a major part in someones health care. Doctors need they”re rights. They know the patient and the patient can have a stonger role in theyre management giving control back to the patient.I know if I felt more control over my pain I would have a lot more control in my life in general.

Everyday I am feeling fatigue and pain through my entire body but mainly the joints knees and elbows. Severe migraines and two thumbs that got hyper extended and chipped bone. I can’t dance let alone hold a cup of tea. I think you can see where this is going. Not just for me but the many thousands of people in pain being treated inappropriately without decency Where do they expect our hearts and minds to end up if we are controlled and treated so harshly at the same time trying to make the best of a painful life… I haven”t even bothered telling my doctor as I have come to realise it doesnt matter how bad the pain gets (Or what it does long term). Most doctors are more worried what will happen to them if they help a patient!!! Don”t believe it?

Cut and paste the  medical disgrace

http://www.dfps.org.au/?page_id=35

On another note. I have been going out more often as you read I have to go to the chemist every day!!! apart from that I went to a street dance session in town. That was fun. Lots of new faces. I stayed a few hours and walked to the station and caught the train home. That was a huge leap. But not as comforting as I expected. I was quite afraid of being alone. Like a kid lost in a supermarket I made my way home. I walked in the house I think in the back of my mind I was expecting a big welcome home congratulations sign with balloons and a bouncy castle but no. The cup of tea my partner made was certainly satisfactory and made me feel at home again.

There was another dance event on tonight I was going to attend but a last minutes message changed the night. “” Sorry dancers, we cannot allow underage dancers into the event because of licencing”” My dance crew are all 17 and aren”t allowed until they are 18. This is a huge let down and I invited them. They were gonna have the time of they”re lives.  Since finding this unfortunate news out. My earlier conversation with my partner saying if I go out I”ll have a drink (as this is very rare). I”ll have to have it here then (Sorry gotta be human sometime). A treat I guess you could call it. I am so disappointed and upset at myself for devastating the guys.

Well thats my small rant. Trust me more to come…

Peace,

NW

Waiting for Scripts can be Painful

Well yesterday was a shocker I started the day by going to the shop with my friend I then went to get my script for the new medication I’m on. They said sorry we will have to order it and it will take till Monday. Very sorry.  So yes thanks I called around all the pharmacies as did my local chemist and doctor. We soon found that no chemist in my city had what I was looking for. Everyone was shocked.  I went home disappointed, anxious and in withdrawals. I didn’t know what to do I knew hospital was an option but I wanted to make it through. My friend started brainstorming and listed off a few ideas. hospital, a doc appointment see if he can help. So I made an appointment to see my GP.

I can’t believe its not broken!!! I can’t believe this at all. When I was at home waiting for my appointment I had a rather unusual accident which included some kind of knee cartilage damage. When it happened I fell down and screamed so loud The pain was like being shot in the knee then having it set on fire and over and over again. I tried to stop screaming but it was one of those times when ya get delirious with pain (Timing hey?) I eventually came to and couldn’t walk. I wondered how bad it was how long was it going to continue? Well today I’m walking but I cant bend my knee very far without pain so maybe it’ll get better if I just rest a while.

So My mate drove me to my local doctors at 4pm shaking and sick from W/ds. The doc was at a loss but did write a letter for me to go to the hospital and get as close a medication as they could find. I found this to be a good idea and (eventually) ran with it at 5 in the morning. He looked at my knee and said I was fine. My mind was replaying the incident and “ït looks alright, you’ll be fine” didn’t really fit but time will tell.

I arrived at the emergency department. They didn’t seem to be at all concernend about the withdrawals more the pain I was having. I was worried about both especially after my doc said when the W/D starts to be a problem go in. So while I was waiting an hour or so watching old Malcolm maclaren clips in the waiting room to distract myself. They called me in about 7 and gave me a bed to whinge on but I found it much more soothing. I was treated rather well but not given anything for pain relief until 8:30 which came in the form of a script. the doc told me to go to the hospital chemist and get it filled. Oops it’s sunday I finally located the chemist in the hospital and it was closed!!! agh another wall.

At 10 oclock am  on my way home I picked up my script which unforunatly isn’t the medication I’m currently on but it’s similar  and an 8 mg tablet of my new med. these are supposed to get me through till tomorrow. Hope so. At least by tomorrow my chemist will have got the packet they ordered for me (I hope).

I’m shocked again at the little problems that seem to get in the way constantly but I am coping well and dealing with everything one at a time.

Much less overall pain today. Thanks Chemist, Docs, Nurses for all the help. Even if it took all day and night.

Peace,

NW

Peace,

NW

2010

I woke on the first morning of the year with almost  some relief it was no longer 2009  know they’re just numbers but so many scary/ traumatic things happened in 09. I’d like to get over all that and start over. So I’ve taken some steps to start a fresh. I got a new packet of Tyrosine I will take everyday. Not only when I lose it but every morning and night. If I want to recover soon I have to set some rules. So apart from the Tyrosine I’ll take my vitamins and colostrum for long-term health and Ganoderma for Neuralgia. I will make sure I keep my other meds clockwork. I will refill my MP3 player with some different music. I’ll try to paint dance or do something constructive  as I can. I’ll try to keep  learning something new.  I will eat breakfast as many days I can. Even try 2-3 meals a day. I’ll also try keep  my journal up to date as I need this to reflect on.

I’m happy with my friends but still trying to socialize again.

The crew and I are catching up  most days the weather permits. They really cheer me up. I love watching them dance they  look pro and have only been bboying 6 months. I just started printing the crew t-shirts. Each one is original in a way. I hope to do a show soon. When they are feeling it’s time.

I saw my Dad on NYE we got to chat for a while he was very relieved to hear I was on a new medication. I love to see my parents happy.

So welcome to the new year all, I hope if last year was a hard one this year gets easier and if it wasn’t so hard I hope you the same ease and peace of the new year.

Peace,

NW

Remember to do your part for the planet. xo Peace

Bout to do some gardening. Clean the dance floor. Have a think.

Only a 3 More Nights!!!

The new year is arriving and I have very mixed feelings. I’m feeling anxious most of the time but the level of anxiety has definitely lessen since I got to start a new pain medication that doesn’t yet seem to have side effects. I have danced a lot more with the crew which has helped get me through a lot. Even if I really don’t feel like it.  Then again I don’t feel like doing anything!!!

Christmas. What was all that then? I went to my Dads for Christmas to meet up with family and give them presents. I felt not very welcome, I was not greeted by the  step brothers out the front. Almost like I wasn’t there.  I walked in the main room where everyone was sitting the looked at me briefly and carried on. (Like anxiety problems aren’t enough) It was mostly my Dads wifes family in there. They didn’t talk to me at all. I gave them some xmas  cards. I saw my Nanna in there and gave her painting and card. She was surprised to see me. She thought I wasn’t going to be there.!?!? ( I have never missed a Xmas at Dads)  She told me my Aunty was at the outside setting. I went out there to give her present and card. I was happy to see my cousin out there with his girlfriend. My aunty reacted quite similar when she saw me. Eyes wide open, jaw dropped. She then said sorry I didn’t know…? I was starting to feel strange at this point.  My cousin was glad to see me. A few long minutes later my other aunty showed up. Again very shocked that I was there (at my Dads house!!!) She said she didn’t think I would be there once again. I was feeling less and less welcome. Dad came out and saw me briefly for a few second for use to exchange gifts. I didn’t get any time to talk to him. I stayed for a few hours. Then left with everyone else.

How did it come to this. They are close relatives. They didn’t know anything about my life. In fact not sure weather they knew I was alive. I can’t believe meeting up with everyone could leave me feeling this empty and alone.I feel at this time in my life I need to know people care about me more then ever.

I am still shocked. I thought that having family living close by I could have someone to talk to but as location and situations with both sides of my family I am feeling like I don’t have anyone  go to.

On top of these burning feelings. I’m still quite anxious and having panic attacks quite often. Which is unusual because the ADHD medication usually decreases my anxiety. This is kinda telling me I have a long road to go to find relief from this awful monster. The depression as I mentioned earlier must be quite bad right now as my thoughts about things and the world are feeling %100 meaningless. I hate to get up in the morning I hate to live through the day and night time well it’s just another night. What is wrong with me? I have been feeling this way for about 2 months now. I haven’t told the doctor because if I do he will take me off my pain meds and that’s a quick way to kill someone with chronic pain and depression. I want to get better. I just have very little will atm.

So what do I have to be Happy about? Well I’m trying this new medication that probably wont kill me. (yay Sarc) I have a few friends but I don’t feel like socializing. The end of the year is coming.  Goodbye 2009.

Peace,

NW

Heatwave so hot for so long.

So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake.  Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.

Note: 53kg this week.   58kg 2 weeks ago…

I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.

Peace,

NW

Hope it cools down soon.

Stay cool if ya feelin it.

The Current Flow

Over the last week I have had to take serious steps to take care of the T.N, anxiety and feeling down. As I am still waiting for further  medical help to get through each day with much more ease and probably will be waiting a while until things work out. But I can only imagine how much easier at this stage. The latest heatwave isn’t helping. I’m feeling quite sick every other day. I’m doing the best  I can to survive the weather with cool showers and fans.

I am still getting help from the local mental heath  support. Without I just couldn’t say. But I have been a wreck and been looking for help from them. I know I shouldn’t because they really are in no position to hear the crisis I am in. Regardless they did help me enough to go to hospital. They did talk me down from a very … place. I am calm and relaxed enough a majority of the time to realize anything I do I my decision alone and I shouldn’t involve anyone or I will just make stress for everyone. In the meantime I have caused so much stress already I don’t want anymore. I want peace. I want people to all be happy and at ease always knowing I’m doing the right thing by myself.

I have decided to do some thing rules for myself I guess you could say. these rules will keep me not only alive but maybe find times of true relaxation. Calling my friends and family more (when appropriate), Paint more, dance more. On the other end of the scale  Take time in the garden to relax. Find time to be alone. less things happening the better. can really only handle it when there is absolutely nothing happening. No colours no movement no eating. Well minimal eating.

After the latest stress from things I have gone to hospital for help I really need they’re help.DENIED again (It’s like they want me to die!!!)(people wonder why I don’t trust the system<—They should give me a reason to trust them.) –  I have also asked the mental health team (only to be judged and accused!!!) accused of what? your probably thinking.  After I told them about the girl they asked what was I doing at the change rooms at that time. I said because I was getting changed. I think they then said something like…”That just doesn’t add up”. “If you don’t tell us everything we can’t help you” I fell into despair when I realized they were not only not going to help me but they now thought I had something to do with that poor girls passing. I stumbled I stuttered and I was scared. I just wanted out.When they asked If I would come back. I thought I could just walk down the street with a dress on if I wanted to be scrutinized and humiliated. I think I left that one  unanswered. I will never call for help again.!?!?!?!

I was called by them on the way home on my mobile. I said I would call them back when I got home from the psych. 10 minutes later I called back I was received with a person who asked who I needed to talk to she then said the person who was expected my call had just knocked off for the day and the message left behind was. Client :nightworrier notes: stop support. No longer deal with. Not that I could be let down any more by any one but again another stab but hey what a stab when you already have multiple stabs to the heart.

I think I know the short answer to that. I wouldn’t talk during the meeting with them. Several reasons. They we not particularly welcoming. We walked down a hallway to a small room. I sat opposite 2 people I didn’t know (though one claims she has met me) I was very confused. Even on my regular medication I was hallucinating and had vertigo I was nauseous. THe taxi driver that drove me there was pissed off.  I had no reason to feel comfortable. So I could not talk and now they are paying me back by not helping me!!! Who’s crazy!!!

I actually agreed with doctors I need to go to hospital  in a psych ward before this gets out of hand. Even my partner can see that. I am broken when I wake in the morning I get up if I have to open a door Its like opening a floodgate of feelings. I feel like it’s going to happen again and again. My Psychiatrist said I was still stressed from the day. It was possibly going to take more then a couple of weeks to feel normal. I just don’t want this to get to the stage I was 9 years ago. Completely agoraphobic and scared of everything. Why can’t they help when I am in dire need. I don’t know how I will handle this Im still  skimming the surface of reality. I don’t blame the system for not helping me through this better. I am surprised I am left with this and no offer of real help.

Somthing is bothering me right now maybe its the 40 degree heat and my patch or maybe Im just feeling a bit like everything is too much.

Peace,

NW

Thanks to everyone that has helped. Excuse my lack of communication I need this time alone. I have to many problems really holding conversation. Please forgive me in the future.

xo

Wish me luck. Peace to all.

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later –  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-