Back out of the Aquarium (hospital)

Two nights ago I had such bad kidney/back pain. I took as much painkiller as I figured to be max dose I really didn’t want to go back considering I’ve visited so many times this year.
But it got to the point I asked my partner if he could drive me to hospital. He agreed. Apart from the fact he could see my pain.I wasn’t in the mood for screaming and wailing through pain and I wasn’t ready to take more pain killers. I was also pretty anxious to know why the pain was caused.
I stumbled/crawled into Accident and emergency. Having already had a 60mg Oxycontin, 50mg Valium and some sleeping pill so i could pass out somewhere in pain.
I made my way to the triage desk almost but found a great school chair next to desk. After only 15 mins or so I heard a voice.’ So whats the problem?’ I looked up and they put me on a bed. (wasnt that much more comfortable) I explained it as best I could quite clearly under the influence of the previous drugs I had taken. I pointed to where it was hurting and they pretty quickly gave me some thing for the pain – but no scans, no ‘does this hurt?’ nothing. So at least now i know theres probably nothing too wrong. I think I slept like 15 solid hours. I was still in pain when I woke up in emergency. They moved me to a small ward. Where when i woke up I had to explain to a psychiatrist Why I took so many pills. To cut a long story short he detained me for 24 hours because Apparently I can’t make decisions by myself. Man did that piss me off. I just wanted to get the hell out. Another patient in there he calmed me down even manage to catch me as I tried to slip away from the security guard and nurse while we were out for a smoke. He was quick. But it all turned out for the better anyway.
I spoke to a psychiatrist in the next morning who was very understanding. He basically said If ya know ya losin it see the doctor, call the crisis line or come here. So After all that I finally got discharged. Wooooooooooooooooooo freedom.

eh I forgot whats freedom.

Peace,

NW

Stayed up all night. Again

Well last night I had to stay up. Mainly cause I was very drowsy n could barely utter words. I took more then my normal dose of pain killers (emergency) one extra if your wondering. It seems that one extra at this stage doesn’t go down well at night time with Valium other sedatives and Oxycontin. I mean. I know thats askin for trouble. Even the Phenergen on top didnt help me sleep through the pain.

It was only after the taste of the last seditive left my mouth I started slowing down. a lot. real shallow breathing. Couldn’t stay with it. was completely vaguing out, scary as. I didn’t know what was happeneing. After putting 2 and 2 together I realised I’d pretty well overdosed. But no . No hospital for me . Never not if I break my leg or need stitches. I’ll do It myself. (No offence to the nurses) But docs come on make a proper diagnosis (It’s not called emergency for nothing). Plus I’m  sure some of the staff just want to watch me jump.  Don’t wait for me to struggle at home for days while my private GP runs extensive and conclusive tests. Kudos to her.

Question – Why Can’t hospital docs help with mental illness?

Answer – because they’re not hospital docs they’re just crisis councilors half who couldn’t care less. And if you are lucky to have your 20 seconds with the hospital psychiatrist. They smile and open the door for you. They may as well supply a map to the roof. There is only one psychiatrist who truly listens in the emergency psych team. He was and probably still is understanding and as I know has helped many others.

Oh yeh the other reason is they judge you on first appearance.  Awesome traits to have in humans hey???

So in my stubborn way I have stayed awake through the whole night with the occasional. “Oi don’t die on me” which strangely woke me up. eyes not capable of seeing. Only faint sounds of speech.

Well I played X box, Uno and went to the look out to watch the sunrise. I don’t know why but I finally felt some peace.

I really hope I sleep a bit tonight I’m hopeless (no I mean hopeless without sleep. I need like 10 – 15 hours so I’m not full of anxiety. Yeah prob sound like a lot but my only close to sane times are times when I’ve had a clockwork sleep pattern.

Ahh well. Let’s hope for some rest tonight.

Peace,

NW

Self Assesment Day

Things that have changed over the last year:

1) Agoraphobia – I can go for walks by myself. Even go shopping alone. Only sometimes panic.

2) Panic Attacks – Unidentified mental illness? I can deal better with colours ( I use to automatically panic at the sight of red couldn’t see it didnt want to cant use red pens only just started witing the word. Or a combination of red, yellow and black) I’ve been using these colours to paint, draw, and yes even wear on my tough days. ( I still feel safer with blue still).

3) Relaxation – Before therapy it was impossible. I just couldn’t for a second. My pre treatment for relaxation was gin and tonic. (and that was almost every night) After hospital and help from my therapist I can sometimes relax by myself (without medication).

4) Unidentified mental illness number 2? – maybe OCD? not quite?

Yes thats right I didn’t skip the number 4 – (I mean jeesh I was in a ward with that very number) now thats a number that makes me shake n sweat then run. I don’t know why but it’ll never give me a sense of comfort or safety. I have started using it tho. For time and calculations which has helped greatly. I must thank my therapist and the hospital, the nurses there who spent the time to go through it with me. Was well worth it. -Yep another four word sentence. I’m o.k.

5) OCD
Although just recently has worsened e.g, Light switches, walking up stairs, washing hands and more. It’s helping me cope. I’m still sticking to my original breakthroughs with OCD and the eating and drinking one. I can now drink a glass of tap water to the end in one go (Most of the time). Walk away from ‘IT’ .I Can sometimes finish meals. I still wash the drinking device 3 times even if it’s clean (partner just walked in saw me tapping keyboard, I stopped he walked out)I started again(ah relief almost) * continues tapping – gets worse. It’s kinda driving me nuts I want to be left alone with the OCD. It’s been there forever almost. Besides it helps with my oil paintings and drawings. I have to get it right. (*killer* determination).
I know I have to do basic things normally or I’ll stick out. I just need to learn to stop earlier before people see. I’m sick of the feelings that go with being caught.

After learning so much I should feel happier. I do about most improvements. I just feel I ‘m such a slow learner and I always forget my medication. I still feel hopeless sometimes. I’m constantly using distraction techniques. Even after learning so much as an in and outpatient I still get nightmares n trouble shaking the depression. I’ll get there. Somehow.

Theres alot more. My ADHD just won’t let me type anymore wants to do something else.

Peace,

NW

Last Night

I couldn’t even move my lower back was in agony. My face (TN) was losin it too. I just couldn’t stand it. I think If I was able to I woulda gone outfor a long night walk to clear my head ( I was going slightly insane) I eventually fell asleep. Here come the nightmares.

Last night I had a nightmare I was living in a forest ( that wasn’t so bad.) I woke up inside my nightmare The loggers had been and flattened the forest leaving only wood chips and stripped logs dumped to pick up later. The others (don’t ask me what they were) were still trying to find a way to live there. I explained it wold only get worse – We have to move. When I woke up I was still freaking that it was reality.

It’s 2 hours later I still feel freaked out.

Peace,

NW

What will the day bring?

 Considering I woke up pretty early with my partner still in bed I can enjoy some of the peacefulness and enjoy looking at the unmoved things from the night before and the silence. Hmm the silence what can I say? Astounding all I hear is the cpu fan running. Ah  no I speak to soon he’s getting up and soon Yep he’s just walked past. That means the techno will be cranking ( I really only have a problem with techno but in the morning It’s so fast and makes my brain and heart race ( somtimes just complete panic. I don’t think humans were meant to listen to that kinda beat upon waking. and the sound of breakfast and food preparation will  take over. I might go for a walk later n try n chill out. Gotta loose some weight (feeling last nights pizza.)

Yesterday my mate came over. Real good mate. It’s like they feel they have to give me intervention for everything! Stress, Getting over my problems, long term goals how to not have Trigeminal Neuralgia. Yeh ya heard me they reckon I should just not complain about it ever! cos it’s just an ailment and I don’t have the right to be in pain. I’m apparently suppose to be in a higher realm where people don’t feel pain. WTF this isn’t Scientology. Even if it was I’m pretty sure the pain would still be there.

Well all that said I love my friends but hey just let me do things my way. If ya aint gonna support or understand don’t kick me when I’m down. I’ll kick myself . Trust me.

I’l find somthing to do today treatment wise. maybe just a walk around the block.  Or do some shopping. might even boil down to just can I do anything I’m pretty nervy today.

Here we go the dog and the man are running around the house yelling and barking (Yes for fun). Is it just me or does that sound primitive.

The only reason he spends more time with the dog is because he speaks dog and chooses not to speak to me. During the day there will be more then half the time he says something he’s actually talking to the dog.  Yes it does make me feel less of a human.  Maybe I’ll do a painting or continue my sketches down at the creek. Yeh thats sounds like a plan. Sounds quiet too, Which I think will be todays theme. As it should sooth the nightmares and bring me back to some kind of reality. I’ll also get straight onto the medication cos the TN is grabbing and making me pretty irritable not to mention excruciatingly sore.

I need to try some self -help stuff. No not my usual methods. Something different. Wish me luck

Peace,

NW

Woken up!!!

Yep thats right I slept last night. 15 hours or something. Well it had to happen at some stage.

Yesterday my doc put me on an antidepressant which is not really but it is? I don’t really wanna take it. Tossing up. It’s called Avanza®,Remeron®,Mirtaz®. It’s chem name is Mirtazapine . I’m very suspicious. Since the bad side effects of others. I really trust my Gp is thinking the best for me.What to do?.It’s also means I have to stop Tramadol, But the Tramadol was making life a lot easier for my back and head.  The sleep last night has sorta calmed me down now. I’m not feeling the speed of the slope now. Hmmm anyone can you shed some light on the situation? The 50mgs of Tramadol a day with the Oxycontin was really helping me keep my head as together as it does these days. Wjat to do?

Herse’s my antidepressant ratings from the past:

Aropax – Did nothing/ No noticable effects or change in mood.

Lexapro – Bad Hallucinations, More anxiety, more panic attacks, Depressed more then ever. Suicidal. After stopping Lexapro these effects continued for I would approximate a year to a few months more.

Effexor xr – Bad change in mood, loss of interet and motivation, Severe Depression, PTSD got harder to handle eg. nightmares, Patterns of thought, racing thoughts. etc

What will happpen next I’m very nervous. Maybe It will work great but I dont want to be on medicationss forever if it means i get withdrawal is suicide.

I need some time to think and do some more research.

Peace,

NW