So I woke up yesterday after a terrible night of nightmares. Decided I’d had enough I wish there was no conflict in my family and we could all accept each other and get along. It seems that is the exact opposite. I felt like I cant pull them together and I felt very lost. Id had enough of the pain as well and cant see an end to it.
I told my psychologist how i was feeling because I have doubts yet strong feelings about suicide. I don’t know what I want or need. She understood me clearly. My therapist and I went out to talk to my partner about it but he didn’t want a bar of it. So my therapist walked me to the A & E. They treated me well there. But really failed the next day upon awakening and going into the interview with a bucket ‘o’ psychs who looked at me and asked how I felt I said I felt sh**. one of them in his PROFESSIONAL opinion said “you don’t look very suicidal” — please tell me what does a suicidal person look like. Just cos I wasn’t going nuts it doesn’t mean that wasn’t happening on the inside. I’m feeling very numb right now so don’t expect this blog to make much sense. So they said I was fit mentally all I needed was a head scan to check if a fracture was causing the TN and try me on a drug called neurontin. Call me uneducated but shouldn’t you address someones suicidal ideation before trying new drugs esp. Gabapentin. I wasn’t gonna hang around so they could fu** me over with these drugs which has a strong link with suicide (google it wiki it). I discharged myself about midday n felt nothing had been addressed. I just wanna try relax as much as possible now. Why am I like this???
Peace,
NW
Nightworrier's Weblog 
Okay, finally here! I had a run through to see what’s going on and good grief! TN! Oh, that’s painful–not that I know first hand (or first face.) I’m sorry. That’s not funny. You know me though…always trying to keep laughing whenever I can to deal.
I had shingles with some postherpetic neuralgia around my neck and shoulders (obviously where the blistering of the virus hit worst) but that’s nothing compared to TN! I’ve had wicked TMJ as well but still. It was treatable.
Okay, what else can I say just to try and encapsulate in one comment here. Oh, good that the Oxy helped but bad that you don’t have a script. The Tramadol/Diazepam combo for now?
Back on ADHD meds. I don’t know if you are but maybe a good thing as you said before? I know mine really help me. I don’t so much have the “H” as you would best describe me as “ADD Inattentive Type” (aka space case.)
Interesting that you had a nightmare recently too and mentioned it. I’m sorry about that, though. I had one last night (or this morning where I woke up crying.) I usually don’t remember them but I know where it came from–a comment I made on my blog last night.
I’m sorry too that you are having to deal with family conflict and manage your moods and chronic pain at the same time. That’s a lot to handle. May family is well…basically completely out of the picture so I just have me to worry about. Which still isn’t pretty but it’s hard when you have others to handle as well.
Your hospital experience. I hate to hear of these things. I’m going to be a grand arse and “assume” (I guess that really makes me an “ass” then) and say that you are from the UK–just from what I have read from your posts and how you write.
If so, I have spoken to other UK bloggers about their A&E experiences from a psych perspective. They have been treated in a way that I think is, very odd. Not like how you would be treated in Canada. Or at least never how I have been treated!
If I were to walk in and say I was suicidal, that would pretty much be it. Off to the psych ward/floor you go! Even more so if you/someone does a cutting or pulls an OD or something that indicates they are a danger to themselves or others. Those are our commitment or section statutes over here. And they’ll get you in hospital for a minimum 72 hours unless the psychiatrist clears you. Granted, you will have some sort of “consult” before they wheel you to the floor/ward.
However, when I called 911 in the spring, it was pretty funny and perhaps kind of like your experience as I had calmed the hell down by the time the A&E Doctor came to see me. It took a bit as I really wasn’t emergent, but hey, at least I got a breakfast tray *laughing* Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to be admitted! I was like YES!!! Why do you think I’m here! Would I waste my time calling 911 myself if I didn’t WANT to go into the loony bin!
*PA slaps forehead*
I had to go through some other crap later on but kept persisting. It’s basically because after being hospitalized five times I’ve gotten to know our mental health system very well and I can navigate it and manipulate it! You are right, though. You can’t tell if someone is suicidal by “looking” at them. If someone is depressed, they will often have a very “flat” effect. I mean, not to sound morbid but we are mentally ill. If you had gone out immediately and topped yourself, what would the ramifications have been for the hospital, A&E department and all of the consultants?
I also agree with you about rushing in very quickly for the A&E to try you on a new medication that is head related! I don’t know who you may see on a regular basis but if nothing more they may have provided a “suggestion” to your GP, specialist…I don’t know?!
I have NEVER had anyone in my A&E/Emergency Department here prescribe me anything for my head! Only for my body–like pain meds. For my tummy problems, once as a kid when I had to get stitches…simple stuff like that.
Okay…is this bloody essay long enough?
And one final note: you’re blogrolled. HA!
Thanks for having a say. I am Nuts with all this. I was so pleased you’d come back PA. I could see our similarities. Thank you for your help. I usually just scream and cut. But after reading your comment I feel kinda ok.
Yeah I wish they had admitted me because I just educated myself on noose making. With real likely hood of working Excuse the pun ‘Hood’. Yeah we can even have a a laugh on my last days.
Why oh why are Psychs so stupid. Im so edgey right now I don’t know when Im gonna do it but it will be done. I really need to go to the psych ward. I didn’t need to be kicked out on my ass and told to cheer up.
So maybe the cutting is attention seeking maybe it a big fat f***in sign I cant handle it no more. I am so confused I’m, either puttin on a front t look happy or flat as u say and flat because Im just totally exhausted with the world.
Im a 26 year old female if it makes any difference for ya. Im also down south in Australia. I’m gonna post something soon which is a contract the crisis centre wanted me to sign. It’s a fairy tale they wrote most of it is wrong. I want people to see how screwed this ‘System’ is down here.
Peace,
NW
BTW I love you Canadians.
Well, I’m glad my comments helped a wee bit?
Listen if you’re feeling THAT bad, keep persisting and get your ass into hospital! When you get into the crap about seriously putting thoughts into method, it is NOT a good sign. That’s where I was when I at least had the wherewithal to call 911! You should tell them your ideation is that bad too! I mean, I know your tired but REALLY drive the point home.
I don’t mean to make more jokes but make a noose and bring it in. Say “Hey you dolts, if you don’t admit me, you see that tree out there?” …or pole or whatever… Say “I’m going to be swinging from that with my fancy new noose if you throw me out of here again!”
Sorry…I’m not block cap screaming at you. I’m just too tired to use HTML *rolls eyes* It’s just for emphasis because I care and I’m ticked at the lack of care that you’re getting. Or care that you’re not getting. Or something. Brain…dying…
To my mind, I don’t think your cutting is attention seeking. I think you’re trying to cope? I mean, we all cut for different reasons. I don’t know for you “how it works.” Some people do it to release and relieve, for some it is reflexive (like due to a trigger–that’s pretty much me–although I may have ventured further into the realm of other reasons…I just keep fighting it off when things come up?)
Thanks for the age share. Actually…I was dumb and should have known Oz due to the virus. I looked it up and it’s totally Oz.
Oh…thanks for loving us. There are jerks here of course but you’ll find them everywhere. I tend to think we’re nice up here though!
Thanks for caring PA but the system here is just not well thought out. I met a girl in there when I was in there shed od’ on paracetamol or apap if thats what you call it. She pulled out her drip n said ‘Im leaving’ they didn’t seem to really care. I told her if she left she’d still have the apap going through her liver. They then detained her until her drip ran out then she was free to go. F***ing doctors. She was free to go do it again.
Theres no chance for me at this stage I have gone down all the avenues. I did the right thing going in t get help. Im so upset and lost today then I have been since my dog passed on 2 years ago.
I cant stand being judged all the time. They do drug screens they come up clean after hours of telling me ‘its a hit you want isnt it?” No you dumb f**ks it’s Ross River Fever.’
Yes you are totally right PA I cut to cope. I see the blood pour and I feel relieved. I also do it in frustration of not being understood.
Last night was a stand off between my partner and I. I went t o the kitchen and grabbed the biggest sharpest knife and upon slicing my arm open my partner grabs me and says. now don’t do that I like to keep the cutlery clean. Do I have to stay up with you all night to make sure you dn’t do anything?’ Well yes If you want me to live. But I am asking to go to a ward because I am in 2 minds. My partner does not want me to go back. He thinks it wont help. I feel like I should call 000(911) myself.
I’m so very lost.
Thanks PA.
I’ll do what I can.
Peace,
NW