Nightworrier's Weblog

Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

NW — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 01:53:16 +0000

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it. I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

See you all in 2012 <3

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Animals, D.D, Day by Day, DD, deviations, Disorder, Family, fatigue, Freedom, getting better, happiness, insomnia, nightmares, nightworrier, pain, painting, schizotypal, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, Trouble

November the hardest month of this year

NW — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:30:06 +0000

So this month I have been in agony so no sleep, irritable about to kill the neighbors if they step out of line one more time. They have abused my dogs smashed my car put explosives in the yards of houses around me. Stolen, Smashed 100′s of bottles on driveway and all down my street. If they blink at me I am ready to get all my energy together and give em a piece. Lets see… I will ask the cops to help again but if they just put this on the records and wait for it to build up and the kid (19) next door can just get escorted to jail for the serious offenses he has done, I will relax. His Mother is to blame as well for having the saying to her kids “If your not caught you didn’t do anything wrong” what sort of parent gives they’re kids that advice? I just feel sorry for the young girl living there, no one in her family respects her and her evil brothers and Mother aren’t any help to her. I don’t think I will need to do anything though, They are so stupid with explosives and poisons they will end up screwing themselves over.

As for my life and it’s manageability. I just got off the phone to lifeline they seem not to call the police and ambos straight away. Even when I told them I wasn’t well, I just promised I would call back if it got to a stage where I couldn’t handle it anymore and am getting too frustrated. If ya call that not sleeping, agitated to the point I punch the punching bag till my knuckles bleed and have no appetite then when I do eat I feel sick… Well I am there. I have no control over anything and when my partner asks what I want for dinner and I am not hungry I feel bad and say I am hungry so he thinks I am doing better then I am, Now I know at this point many of you will be saying why hide it just be honest, and many will be thinking just fake it till you make it, Well I’mm sorry it seems like a loose loose situation. I haven’t seen my peer worker for a month or so. I don’t know the number. I should probably look it up. When I said I’d get back to J my peer worker I forgot I didn’t know his number and by now I am probably kicked off the program… wait I think it musta been a “compliance disorder??? WTF. I can’t keep up with everything.

Right now it’s 6.30 am and no sleep in sight. It’s been a year of insomnia now and I don’t know weather Im asleep or awake when i walk around I don’t remember weather dreams are real or if I really did leave my mobile out in the rain. Who cares right. I got 2 spares. The thing that sucks is even my partner has no mobile and it’s just crap I cant contact him or anything. I feel like if this avalanche doesn’t slow or stop soon it’s gonna be the whole mountain. If that’s the case I am going on holiday. I am sick of living for people that don’t appreciate me or anything I do. The pain is excruciating. I don’t think the doctors are taking this seriously enough.But then again I have not expected much from doctors after The local pain clinic put me on a drug that caused much emotional pain and suffering. That was they’re only offer of help or the dangerous brain surgery that lasts a couple of years. I am old enough to take care of my pain now I don’t need the government to baby me. I need more control soon!!! Talk about unreasonable.

I wonder what a beautiful world this would be if I weren’t here. The neighbors make this planet dark and evil – (they call themselves christian but apart from owning a bible I haven’t seen any other sign of christian beliefs.) Maybe the world especially my town would be so much better off without the little boys next door (19 -21 yrs) they better grow up quick because if they don’t it’s going to be a very hard lesson.

I will not let them stop me from getting around and I can only laugh at them when I see there hate-ugly faces staring at me when I do something. (dance, Slackline, ride, skateboard, kick the football) They really need to get a life or pay to watch me train.

I think I’ll walk up the shops now n wait for em to open and get the first coffee of the day. Yeh it’s cold out there summer mind you but once I start walking it wont be so bad.

Peace, NW

Filed under: ADHD, Day by Day, Disorder, fatigue, Freedom, getting better, Meds, mental health, pain, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, Trouble

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

NW — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 21:11:13 +0000

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life. I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?” I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business, I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever, I will find a way out.

Filed under: ADHD, Anxiety, D.D, drugs, fatigue, gad, insomnia, Meds, mental health, nightworrier, OCD, pain, painting, schizoaffective, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, trigeminal neuralgia, Trouble, Withdrawals

Change is Never Easy

NW — Sat, 10 Sep 2011 16:23:53 +0000

Berrocca, chamomile, running, walking, skipping, dancing, Meditating, Yoga, Chanting, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, My fitness has gone down significantly. This is quite distressing. I am trying to motivate myself but my thoughts are not letting me enjoy a moment. Partly because of the lack of food since – well this is a bad run of months Sept to Jan 1st. Forgetting Tablets, Sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I’m sure that can’t be helping.

Every time Change comes I run and hide. The only change I wouldn’t find to scary is to be put in a situation where I am needed. I don’t mean (spare parts*).

The issues with my family have been long standing and aren’t likely to cool anytime soon, Especially with the latest feud. I stand strong with my Little Brother he has made a life for him self in Japan. He is getting married there and working, Even a loving family. I am so very happy for him.

On the other hand I will miss him because it will be so long before I see hm again and life is unpredictable, I can defiantly say that for myself. So I will be happy in my heart he is doing what he desires and deserves.

It’s a pity I can’t say the same for the others in the family, Who have even been as rude as to not talk to my brother because he will be not only leaving the “family business” (that doesn’t include me and never will.) But as they see it he is leaving them.

My brother and I have grown up very close, very close best friends I would say. We will both miss each other until we see again.

I am afraid when he leaves I will have trouble coping with my family back here. They will expect more of me, be much more emotionally demanding, and tin all honesty I would like to say, “Look here’s my older brother who leaves >footprints of gold< If he can stop criticizing or being rude or putting up barriers to hide behind his sarcasm, He is a really good son to my Mum, My Mum can even go to his house, I don’t think she will visit me unless I leave my partner, (That said I would leave the country as well.) My Little Brother and I have always been black sheep. In all familys we have been in – All of them. Luckily my lil bro proved them wrong and showed his independence to my family, It showed them there was more to the – kids- (referring to my brother and I) I tried my whole life to prove myself, Music and science and sport. It all seemed overlooked or unnecessary, Maybe they thought I could make nothing of it. Now my family sis still pretty blind to the effort I put in not just to survive, but be successful and be something/someone. I don’t expect then to come to my shows or that but I would like the same respect for what I do. Putting the trigeminal, rrv, GAD,CF, D.I.D and constant thoughts and plans of suicide to a side and I would think they would see how hard and how much heart I put into living, entertaining, caring, babysitting, local handy person (Even for neighbors that only call on my help for a snake removal, then they go back to disliking me from the rumors the neighbor spread years ago.

Finally I think the situation with them will be under control soon. eg, Hundreds of police reports, (they can’t all end up in the bin.) Regardless of they’re race and where they came from, Australian Law is just that and I welcome people to this country with open arms. I will not accept the behavior of people who don’t understand common courtesy nor are racist when they come here towards our country. eg. Arsonists, rape, discrimination, arrogance towards locals. These are all things my heart and soul stand against and I asked for mediation they have refused. I have evidence enough to get an arrest and I think it’s time to report it all to the police.

Anyone that’s stands for truth and justice will feel what I mean.

Thank you, Peace.

Filed under: ADHD, D.D, Day by Day, deviations, Family, fatigue, getting better, happiness, Meds, nightworrier, pain, Thoughts, Treatment, Trouble

The Show

NW — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:44:31 +0000

No not a show I performed in this is the annual Royal show, Show bags, Agriculture, Wine tasting, Rides, No money, That’s the gist of it. I’m sure most towns and cities do this all over the world, It lasts a week and u can guarantee no one has money at the end, Well I went in with 20 dollars bought a six pack of Ned Kelly Red Wine and felt my experience was fulfilled. I Happened to be asked by my friend if I would go with him to volunteer for a stall. I was kinda freaked but didn’t want him to know, I agreed to meet him there and sit in the stall selling show bags, By the time we got the4re it was already 45 mins late and yes there were a lot of people. I had my Clonazepam in my bag weather I was gonna take it or not was irrelevant I just needed to know it was there.

My old School friend walked by my side till the fire works which was a really good thing to see. I relaxed and enjoyed the few moments of coloured sky. I imagined It was in my backyard and I felt ok about the crowd at that point, After that My friend and I skulled our Coopers and had a good sword fight. These are the moments I live for, I really don’t get the career thing and I wish I did so I could appreciate these things more, But as long as everyone around me calls me a poor /slow girl it’s really hard to build a self esteem from nothing.

Thank you my friend for holding my hand in the tough times.

I enjoyed being with a person who didn’t see me as a light headed empty capsule shaped like a human.

Peace, Love,

Filed under: D.D, Day by Day, distraction, Freedom, getting better, happiness, News Flash, nightworrier, Thoughts

My Birthday

NW — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 23:57:47 +0000

What a day it was. Again it was on the same date as last year but this year with a silent twist. A very silent twist. I had no motivation, been told I can’t drink and felt just a little younger yet again. I finally managed to pull myself together I had a shower at the end of the day to help me relax. when I got out I put on my Pjs and opened the fire place and left the hot poker in it. I walked off to make a cup of tea. Check my email then went to sit down in front of it on my most mediocre day from memory, as I walked towards the fire I took the poker out and put it on the ground in front of the fire. I walked over towards the heater, next thing my foot is burnt and stuck to the hot poker, Mediocrity left that very moment and suddenly became a day I would never forget.My partner ran over with a bucket of water with ice. I screamed inside for about 3 hours. I ended up sleeping in front of the fire with my pajama leg pulled up and knee bent so I could sleep. Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep the pain was too bad. So at about 8am the next day I attempted to walk. Happy Birthday to me. I got a Slackline( like a tight rope but slack) for my birthday too (Irony) So after a night with no sleep.
When my partner woke up he looked at my foot and we found an early morning GP on a Sunday, He saw straight through me, I putr on the old “ahh it’s just a bbit of pain can you bandage it” he replied ” You don’t seem to like yourself very much do you? I was shocked, I changed the subject back to my foot. But he kept saying there is more to your problems then this, you should be happy. Wow that’s more then just a bandage. He asked me to talk to someone. I showed no signs of self hatred or anything I acted like I just woke up n had a little physical burn on my foot. So Dr sixth sense told me to come see him at his clinic. (I already have a heap of doctors/physicians) But I didn’t mind that he’d worked me out. Least I felt understood the day after my birthday.
My friends started coming over one by one each with a bottle of expensive liquors and of course 2 nice reds.They defiantly know me. I tried really hard to stay awake. I was too embarrassed to tell them I burnt my foot so on my party every one had a go at walking the slackline seemed to be the thing of the night, I came upstairs and watched some MJ movies n music then watch My favorite tribute artist Kenny Wizz on DVD. I drank a fair bit as I really felt I was missing out on the fun with everyone. Luckily my friends are very sensitive to my needs and came and joined me. So all up I ended up having a fairly good time even with an extremely sore foot. Thanks to everyone that held me up when I was down.
Peace, NW

Filed under: Day by Day Tagged: birthday party burn doctor meds friends drinks alcohol fun

I saw and met MJ well, I met Kenny MJ Wizz

NW — Sun, 12 Jun 2011 21:33:30 +0000

I was stoked to hear tickets on sale a month or so ago and as soon as I had the money I bought 2 one for my partner and one for myself. The night started out with picking what MJ outfit I would wear, i ended up choosing a red CTE (children of the earth) shirt and Bad leather pants with the buckles, Even Kenny liked them. I met up with my friend at my house she didn’t know that we were going to see A huge MJ tribute. So I packed my thriller, beat it and billy jean jackets for her and hid them in the car.
When we arrived at the multistory carpark outside the venue we walked to the lifts to go down and a few more MJs joined us in billy jean and bad outfits by this stage my friend was looking at me as one of the people said in the elevator “I spose “this is it”. She turned to me in amazement of the amount of MJs in such close vicinity. When we got of the lift we walked to the theatre, by now she could see so many people in Bad and thriller outfits she started to wonder. then out came the tickets and she was so happy we jumped up on a bus seat and had our photos taken in front of the dazzling this is it sign and we were 2 very happy people. The night was just perfect, in every way. I felt as though I was there with MJ. I stood on my chair in the silence and screamed,,. Oww. Kenny (the tribute artist pointed and giggled) as did many others, It was a really good atmosphere with smiles all around.
After the show Kenny was kind enough to hang about for a while and meet and sign autographs, as I approached him I felt a huge excitement when i spoke to him he was vey engaging and sounded much like MJ. He was very nice.
The night left me feeling amazing, it was great to come home with my friend and play the Michael Jackson Expeience on wii as we both really do well at it.
Well That was it, well it was it, well not quite but it was Amazing,
Peace, NW
10/10

Filed under: Anxiety, Day by Day, distraction, Freedom, getting better, happiness, ratings, Thoughts

It’s Easter, Sunday sometimes religious – sometimes not

NW — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 10:19:18 +0000

My house mates left chocolates and a note when I woke up i really thought it was very thoughtful. I had some friends over last night for drinks, I really feel like having another drink now. I have been so tired lately and getting up again at night from nightmares, I think I just feel a bit out of place some times it’s really hard to explain.I woke at 5pm today and will work out a bit then sleep. I really wanna have a cigarette, quitting is so passe. well I am going to attempt some strengthening exercises for facial and emotional pain and get these bad feelings to float away rather then weigh me down to cider or gin. The anxiety I have right now is terrible and is bad because I have learned that’s a trigger to bad depression if I don’t do something, At least writing this down will assure me that I have things to do and more options then hiding or falling in a heap. I’m still going forward maybe slow but I have more then 2 options now and that is very important. I must go to the chemist tomorrow I have avoided the last 3 times!!! and I think they will be thinking I’m weak. It’s just some days I cant do it. I will do it. Everything seems a bit random and out of sorts you could say unpredictable. Well that’s the way it is right now. Getting better… I think.
I will stay calm,
Peace,
Nw

Filed under: Anxiety, Day by Day, distraction, drugs, fatigue, Freedom, gad, getting better, injuries, insomnia, Meds, mental health, nightmares, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, trigeminal neuralgia, Trouble

Bad Morning, Confusing afternoon, Now reveiwing

NW — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 17:22:18 +0000

I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.
Peace,
Nw

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Day by Day, Disorder, distraction, happiness, injuries, insomnia, mental health, nightmares, pain, schizotypal, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, Trouble

Three weeks out and theres a difference.

NW — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 11:09:31 +0000

Well it’s been about three weeks since my hospital admission. I have written about it in my drafts but not yet published as I’m just holding them till I feel I should post it. I feel better, I think they are properly diagnosing me now and I have a psychologist now who is excellent, with my weekly meetings with my peer worker J I am keeping track of myself better. It’s very handy to have someone help walk you through the jungle. In the last three weeks I have had some ups and downs but much more controlled in myself then before hospital, Before I went in I had a lapse and hung myself unsuccessfully of course and slowly was blacking out. After I barely remembered what happened but I knew It was another very stressful moment in my life and when that happens I get very confused and lost. So I was told by the doctor in emergency what had happened all I could really remember was the strain in my neck that after 6 weeks is finally feeling better. Today was a bit difficult I was doing what my psychiatrist said but I flipped again and tried very hard not to do something bad, Sometimes I feel like the law doesn’t apply to me. Especially when I am really angry and the things that make me angry would make anyone flip out. I am in another dispute over something with the local council as they want me to get rid of my paintings on the canvas covering the front of MY house (Owned) The paintings cant even be seen unless people pull over and get out of theyre car and look in to my house the only reason the council want me to move it is because someone (in the neighbourhood and yes they did nod when i asked was it next door complaining?) who wants to remain anon wants it moved but I know it’s next door because they want more access to my house and I am sick of replacing windows or having them watching me by standing out the front of my house looking in. I now have a plan in place for when they trespass. They are rude and controlling, This is my house not they’res If they want to be able to do what I do but cant they can get over it, I have had more compliments then complaints when people see the artwork.
It gets painted over usually during special occasions, Christmas, Easter, Summer, Winter. They can either get over it or move. I am going to live the way I want in my house. the letter from the council also specified the removal of 1 white broken plastic chair from the hard rubbish corner which is about 2 by 2 metres. So I moved it 1 metre. now you cant see it if ya staring down at my house or in my property.
Some people are so persistent in trying to ruin other peoples lives. Makes me wonder if they have any time left to be nice or any heart left to be human. They definatley have too much time on they’re hands and my bet is they called the police first as they are always wasting police time. When they do something wrong they call the police straight away to say we did it, The cops must be so sick of they’re petty complaints. Well soon the council will aswell.
Many people feel the same as I on this matter and most people in the area are getting sick of theyre destruction and gossip. The old Mother next door is such an old desperate housewife. She should stop being so rude to me. Not that that will change the way I think about her.
As for everything else, I have a couple of new friends they are cool very rebellious but cool. They are really respectful and really brighten the place up when they’re here. They have only been here 2 days and already don’t like the neighbours. Every other neighbour is kind hearted and nice they say hi when they see me and are very genuine. It’s those people that make this world fine, and livable.
I’m dealing with my own problem at the moment and any sudden changes can cause me to really loose it. I really am only now really getting a grip on it and it’s not really too common but I have found another family member with a similar problem. I will talk about in the future or in my journal that’s not yet published.
I’m staying in control and I will work things though slowly, any rampages and I will see my doctor. Other then that I am skillfully planning the next few weeks. To keep things in control.
Peace,
Night Worrier

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Day by Day, deviations, Disorder, fatigue, Freedom, getting better, happiness, hospital, insomnia, mental health, nightmares, nightworrier, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, Trouble

Tuesday? Starting to loose time.

NW — Sun, 06 Mar 2011 08:49:08 +0000

Wednesday I stayed in, After I woke up a bit late by a nurse i think the seroquel made me sleep in a bit. I woke up and they organized my medication.
After breakfast they wanted to do an EKG I thought she said ect!!! I freaked then she said it was for a heart test It took a while but I was fine about it.
I spent the day in the ward and got to spend time talking to the psychologist which was more worth it then I ever expected. I learned a lot more about my anxiety and symptoms the useful help he gave was much in need and it seems like such a long time coming. Nearly 10 years approx. there were things i was doing that made
my anxiety worse. like holding my chest when I feel my heart race it just reinforced my feeling and made it real, also i was lifting my feet like my toes and heels when i was sitting that goes for standing as well. it was also a way of feeling like i could/should run, even though there was nothing to run from. I usually wear sunglasses but last 2 days inside I haven’t worn them inside, I must admit I have still been carrying them around sort of a security thing.The psychologist explained why these things were making anxiety worse, and this time I actually understood some. But Hiding behind sunnies was another mistake, as i was hiding behind them in a way. It turns out all the dancing I did to get the adrenaline out was really telling myself there was a reason for it. In future I will train when I’m not anxious and for the reason that I love it instead. I also walk and sit staying small as I can so people won’t notice me. I didn’t really talk about the depression I find it embarrassing and sometimes very undignified sometimes just very agitating to think about it.
I am now finally getting the idea and am wearing brighter clothes and trying to stand straighter. I was quite nervous after wards because I could see some of the problems and being aware of them has got me thinking a lot more. This is going to take a lot of practice.
Peace Nw

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Clonazepam, Day by Day, distraction, fatigue, gad, getting better, hospital, insomnia, Meds, nightmares, nightworrier, pain, Thoughts, TN, Treatment

The next day on mars (In the ward)

NW — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 12:39:44 +0000

Saturday I figured it was the weekend and I hadn’t seen my Dogs or partner in days. It was better feeling then yesterday I was anxious pretty scared and I needed to get a pass out to go home for a couple hours. I picked up some clothes etc. And with the inhaler the hospital gave me I tried to quit smoking.
On Sunday I did. the. same Figuring I wasn’t going to see a doctor and 3 of the patients were scaring me quite a lot and didn’t help much at all. I went home about 4. When I got home I felt a bit strange and found it hard to ground myself, I played with the dogs and relaxed with a cup of tea, I was less edgy then.
Before I knew it it was time to go back. I got back at 8 just before they locked the doors and that means you have to talk into a intercom while being watched on camera, now if that doesn’t make you 100 times more anxious you’re either crazy or have serious anxiety issues (1 in the same) Don’t worry If you have anxiety. when I returned I saw the night nurses one of which spent time with me I got to tell him why I’m not eating. sleeping, drinking he was one of my nurses 5 years ago. He got me off the gin After a heavy 6 month drinking session. great night nurse. I thank. him. hugely. I was sad to hear he too now has chronic pain. it was good. to be honest finally maybe life has more to come for me yet. must try to sleep now. had one valium what a joke.(a drop down from 4 mg of Clonaz by the doctor in here. This must be fixed Soon. well tomorrow I will try and get it sorted out if I’m lucky enough to see a psychiatrist.)
Peace out,
NW

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Clonazepam, Day by Day, Disorder, distraction, getting better, hospital, insomnia, Meds, mental health, nightmares, nightworrier, OCD, pain, Thoughts, Treatment, trigeminal neuralgia, Trouble

4th Day moved to ward Random Ward Notes.

NW — Thu, 03 Mar 2011 17:33:46 +0000

Well its the fourth of march after two nights in ed I’m now in the ward after last weeks depression I finally bit the bullet and got admitted, I hope I return home in a better state of mind. I. really need to help my partner more, I feel so guilty for not doing chores around the home. I really do want to get better so I can go out and have dinner with him, walks in the park with or without the dogs. I have been violent. I have been so lazy and unmotivated I will make up for it big time I think he deserves so much more love and my full attention. this is my first night in here for five years and I’m really nervous and anxious. ocd and anxiety feel worse but I feel safer like a huge burden has been lifted. At least now I am safe from thoughts and have some observations, Which I find helpful as I am thinking I am dying sometimes with the Panic attacks, i think I made the right choice to agree to my doctors to come in, the waiting time in Extended care was a hell of a time but no where near as bad as what was happening in my head at home. I was so confused, Depressed, Anxious and worse of all I was skipping time… If that makes sense!!! totally out of wack I guess. Maybe they can help me a bit with my insomnia as well, big ask I know.
As much as people in here are scaring me and putting me on my toes I am at least learning to deal with it better. I am scared to sleep but if they let me have a light on I’ll be ok. So far the place has not hurt me. As much as my partner is scared of it I have always come out somewhat better.
Peace,
NW

Filed under: agoraphobia, Anxiety, Day by Day, distraction, Freedom, getting better, hospital, insomnia, Meds, mental health, nightmares, nightworrier, Thoughts, Treatment, trigeminal neuralgia, Trouble

OVERLOAD!!! It’s been too much (for anyone)

NW — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 11:21:03 +0000

Too much stress everywhere, Every one is on my case Im out of control, completely I wish theyre was a way out that didn’t mean I had to hurt people , I think maybe if I just destroy them or me I just don’t know, I have been really down and nothing has been good. I have had the hardest time in the world trying to keep up with appointments have money ready for doctors and getting to see them. I really hate K she always forgets stuff and gets in trouble, then labeled with a compliance problem because shes to scared to leave the house how the hell is she gonna make all her appointments. I am so frustrated with myself and the world when will this all end???
Peace out,
NW

Filed under: Day by Day

Photo shoot, filming; Bee swam. Or a nice time to see friends.

NW — Sun, 27 Feb 2011 07:02:51 +0000

My mate came over with his cool new cameras and did some awesome photos shoots with assistance of my dance moves. Was pretty cool. D and NW were having an awesome time then one of the spot lights that was being used seemed to be a bee attractor and I don’t mean the kind sort I mean the sort that just wants to sting and sting and so on. so we all got a sting we all sat around with ice on our hands, back etc. n a gut of penerghen which made a few people sleepy but better then a reaction I spose, Lucky for the off duty nurse who happened to be there, we continued to party for a while. I drank probably a bit much but it was helping with the confusion and depression.
Strange night all up and unfortunately not far from my complete breakdown.
I knew I wasn’t gonna last much longer I had tried for so long to hang on to something to keep me here.
Peace
NW

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Day by Day, deviations, distraction, insomnia, nightworrier, pain

Jumping in the Deep End

NW — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 12:12:10 +0000

Well last year is over, I still am having trouble missing my mate that passed on late last year. It really shouldn’t of happened. I wonder what I could have done for him… I wake up in dreams where he is fine and walking about , To discover it was another dream. I kinda wished the waking moments weren’t true.
I went to hospital yesterday I have been having a terrible stabbing pain in my side. I get the feeling I’m not treated equally because I live in chronic pain I think my physician thought I could wait (a few hours for anything pain relief, tests.) Instead they just hooked up a litre of saline and shut the curtain. I’m not that good at being patient without my ADHD meds but they didn’t ask about anything. They should’ve just told me to go home and sweat and scream in pain. Which I have now accomplished over the last 24 hours, I now have a temperature and when I’m not in pain(for a few seconds) I’m thinking of a quick way out. It’s not that it’s hard to find the right antidote to life it’s just I have so many people I have to be here for, for how long I’m still not sure, The monster at the end of this book is asking to turn the page again.
So I discharged myself from hospital at 9:30 after 3 hours of lying there in pain knowing only metres away are supposedly competent doctors and nurses who have the ability to help me. So when I ask to leave guess what the doctor turns up with painkillers and says to me ” So you want to leave because you think we are not doing a good job” I said no I’m leaving because your’e not doing any job. As I left I remembered the knife in my bag I sat on the road in the dark in pain outside the hospital with only 2 options I had my knife my smokes and my phone in front of me. I lit my smoke and thought for about 5 minutes hat to do. Please don’t say I took the pathetic way out, I called home for a lift. At least then I can find somewhere safe away from hospital. I can’t take this f***ing pain near my kidney. I don’t know If I wanna bother with another night, What do I do? Why am I totally helpless?
So I have to move on from my peer worker, I’ll be fine actually you know, stuff it, I don’t need help. I’m obviously fine right here. The government won’t look after me and neither will my family… What do I have to loose. I will do as I please now.
Peace ,
NW

Filed under: deviations, getting better

Christmas…

NW — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 12:54:27 +0000

Is Christmas the most stressful time of year? Probably. I’m guessing most of my readers didn’t have a perfect family reunion with love and hugs. But I’d like to share my Christmas day or not as it were. So I had planned a quiet Christmas just my partner n me have a drink at home smell the Christmas tree, Watch some movies. In early December both my parents had made arrangements and as it was I was not going to see them on Christmas, Then at the last minute they all change there minds, I feel like I’m playing “towers” with my family just so there’s no disputes or accidental run ins. The day before Christmas I saw my Mum and her boyfriend he seems nice. We went to a local cafe and drank some coffee and had some cake we exchanged our gifts and hugs. It would have been a good picture, nice sunlight out where we sat. Was nice just to be out there and even if I wasn’t actually included in the rest of the family gatherings I got a couple hours out with Mum and it was ok.
Then on Christmas day gee for the sake of my parents I should really split this paragraph. Ok then now I woke on Christmas morning with still a glimmer of hope things would go OK and there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. As I said My Dad also had changed his plans. I was really happy to see him when he arrived at the door about 3 in the arvo he and his wife came inside I greeted them and we sat down. What happened then was silence not any kind of silence but the sort that you know somethings wrong and no one is talking. So I try spark the conversation like a kid with wet matches and on a soaked carpet. Eventually after a few minutes Dad mentions there is a problem on his wifes side of the family and Dad being the guy he is put it away and explained the issue. I felt for them but I don’t regard what the problem was Was something you should carry with you all day or even really give it more then a few minutes thought as it doesn’t really concern me much I don’t mean I don’t care but these things are personal and should be left alone as to help others enjoy the one day of the year we must try to get past our issues and celebrate and share love and show love for whatever reason you do. Christian or not. I tried to make the room more comforting and offered many things. I felt a bit helpless in that way. On the other hand when We got talking we had a good time, I think I even managed not to mention (whinge) about pain. So I saw both my parents that showed me love and I felt good about that, The downer of it was that I wasn’t included in the major family celebrations. So I had Christmas drinks to celebrate, lucky for me no real reaction to my meds. Boxing Day was going to be my only chance at a real catch up with family but he real kicker for that one was I woke up on Boxing day in so much pain on and of like a flickering light. It just wouldn’t stop. I started to feel suicidal. Now don’t say oh your only feeling that cos ya sad and hiding the horrible truth of your own life from yourself. I felt suicidal because I know the cures for TN are so inconsistent, And mine being set off but an aneurysm or vessel near the T.N I’m not convinced at all that these ‘new’ techniques will work and wont have horrid long-term side effects. Want an example of ‘new’ techniques ECT which was first used in the 30s. Instead of a barbaric wooden spoon in the mouth and 50 volts for two tenths of a second put on the temples to the ‘new technique’ they knock out the patient with a strong benzodiazepine do the same thing they did in the 30′s but now the patient wakes up with a slightly lesser headache. On the same subject does it even work? Well it’s subjective it might work sometimes but in the case of my room mate in the last ward I was in. She killed herself not a year after leaving the ward. So maybe it works for some but I know it doesn’t work for all. I still miss her a lot.
Again I am in so much pain its starting to cycle. the morning is usually the easiest then as the day drags on things get harder fun is harder to find, dancing and being creative are right there in my head but unable to get it all out. This is really hard to deal with pain an d depression, sitting here writing has helped slow down the adrenaline that was at first racing through my muscles and making me feel like I can’t move and I feel really sensitive. So sensitive a small fight or disagreement with my partner can cause me to feel at ends ya know like finishing it all. The adrenaline pumps I start to worry no one likes me anyway I’m too difficult. I even asked my partner today If I was to difficult, he agreed and in that split second I wanted to die. I’m to young to be a burden like this. Also having major problems chewing my face is extra sensitive as well right now so. You can only guess how I feel about this. Very angry with the pain. With the small amount of sleep I am getting I am getting quite irritable the sleep I do get is usually a nightmare yep those ones that drag on all the next day and get reminded of the nightmare by many things. My partners new way of grieving is being totally ADHD and this is driving me nuts. Just because of his hyper behavior I have also thought about killing myself. Its so painful in my face, Its so painful to watch people who aren’t scared every second a terrible horrible pain that will strike at any moment they eat ice cream and drink and eat what they want, a breezy day won’t keep them in the house. I can almost do those things now but on a lot of medication. These almost perfect beautiful people all around me. I feel like nothing. I am looking forward to a better life.
Love, Peace,
Night Worrier

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, borderline personality disorder, Day by Day, mental health, OCD, pain, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, trigeminal neuralgia, Trouble

My Friend

NW — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 11:19:11 +0000

The last month has been a shock a huge shock. I lost one of the best mates I have ever had. I had known him for about 5 years and had so much in common. He had art through his house and a garden with gorgeous plants and trees. A great taste in everything. He helped me walk around in public and I was so proud that he would be with me and I had nothing to worry about.
It was Christmas Pageant day in my suburb and every year me an my late friend would go and have a beer and cheer the kids on. Afterward We’d go to his house and have pizza or indian. He was always asking me how could I be so depressed. Believe me he had good reason to be depressed but wasn’t he accepted his situation and we all had a good outlook for him. I believed through pure happiness love would help someone live indefinite yeh maybe a bit naive but I must have some faith. I really believed he would walk again. Instead I got to the Christmas pageant and went to the spot we meet at and all I saw there were his friends I asked the words “Is it true?” Kev replied yes it is, It happened on Sunday night. I was in despair I still really cant believe it. I tried to call him a few days ago only to remember. I still haven’t erased him from my phone. Nor have I erased any of the friends that have passed on. I just can’t do it. He will be in a better place and he will be really, truly happy now. He deserved a lot more then this planet had to offer. My friend and partner who knew him as well have been keeping in touch as it has changed the whole feeling in my little suburb. Many people knew him as he was very outgoing and always had a smile for everyone a smile that you just can’t forget.
We miss you a lot mate and for you I will not be upset, When I think of you I will be smiling.
Love
NW
Thanks for all the great times cowboy!!!

Filed under: Day by Day, deviations, Freedom, Thoughts

I Needed Help for depression and I got Some

NW — Sun, 14 Nov 2010 04:10:42 +0000

You probably think what a lame title but this is a tremendous thing and unfortunately amazing. I called the crisis line because I felt I had come to a very boring end full of blandness and lacking color , the void in my head was so bad it converted to a full body encompassing numbness, Apathy wouldn’t give the feeling justice but a further look through the thesaurus seems to be lacking the word or no words that I need to explain this place, Because it is a place it’s me and my place is in a different slightly skewed yet similar world to most others. I have many things happening in the ‘real world’ I must be brave and face eg. docs, docs and problems, going out. But in my world which is 24/7 Things are dim and the tunnel that spirals down gets gradually darker. I can’t see my friends in this world and don’t give them the respect they so deserve. I can’t see anything I like I can’t feel the sound of a good song I can’t taste a grape from a jalapeno. The day seems not to change time 10am or 3pm or 2a.m all feel the same.
Back to the crisis line, I had just made a plan to commit suicide and felt like I was only doing it because the way I feel right now wasn’t all that right, I was full of all kinds of feelings of confusion like being in a maze with just smoke and mirrors everywhere and the maze is seemingly impossible to get out of. The lady was very understanding but did call the police because I was telling her the truth that i was suicidal but On the other hand I wanted to live. I felt so depressed 100%. Now Im about 70%. But this is 4 days later and it goes up and down I think we need to go past 100 sometimes to be accurate. So I went to hospital via police and waited in the waiting room for 3 hours, I asked triage if I could leave I don’t know why I was a bit delusional and people looked weird. She asked me to sit back down so I did then I got anxious and depressed so I had a few clonazepam to calm down when I saw the mental health nurse i lied and said I was completely fine I was just suicidal and needed to sleep it off, Some reason he didn’t believe me and returned a couple of times before I confessed, Then they had to put monitors etc on me to watch breathing n heart. So I was woken up every 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t fall too far asleep. I was treated with dignity even though what I did makes me feel very ashamed. I didn’t feel any feelings of happiness or even that I could stand the blandness of life around me the next day I just worried they would put me in a ward. This whole thing repeated minus the OD 1 day later, Because I am still very unwell with depression. and using my antidepressants every day doesn’t seem to be working. I will try them for one more week but if they cause me to go to hospital again I’m stopping regardless.
You just wish you could press reset. Start again with the wonderful feeling of love everywhere and the clouds rain special reasons just for you or the smell of excitement in the air when the Christmas trees are on display at the servos. The idea of getting a meal and a dvd to watch and even if it isn’t that good movie you still feel like you did something, A block of chocolate to share with a friend and having a smile about life. Forget the terrible things in the past and only think of what you like to do now and just do it. The feeling of never giving in and always getting better, fitter, brain well exercised. A song come on the radio and reminds you of the good times.
The sad thing about the last paragraph is that I know things were good in ways. I knew how much I loved the feel of a new leaf on a tree and a koala looking down at me plus all the above.
Like everyone in the world I don’t want to be forgotten, left out, ill treated, unloved, depressed for no reason. I think writing helps me figure out my weaknesses and strengths in this life. I know now I feel like I have learned a bit about myself I previously was either unaware of or in denial of. I really want to live and I really want to join the crowd of people that live relatively normal lives my friends. They have helped me so far through this even with the help of the hospital We all still need someone to love a friend to talk to and a life to look forward to.
The monster That lurks in silence continues to stalk my every hour but as long as I don’t turn around I should be walking a safe path. Hopefully the feeling of hopelessness and despair will fade in time, any worse and I need some assistance. (I feel so weak when I have to ask for help)
Peace, Salam, Love
N.W
Take care of yourselves even when it’s dark, even If you have to ask someone a crisis line can be good or bad but it worth it before making such a big decision as wiping yourself off the planet. xxx Jeez even just write it down or give yourself some kind of time before you do it. You might change your mind as it becomes too late.
Love
NW

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Clonazepam, Day by Day, deviations, Disorder, distraction, Dreams, drugs, fatigue, gad, hospital, Meds, nightmares, nightworrier, pain, schizoaffective, schizotypal, Thoughts, TN, Treatment, trigeminal neuralgia, Trouble Tagged: dispair, feelings

A Mental Mind Fuck (A story about a guy named John)

NW — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 09:19:17 +0000

I don’t know how long it’s been since I have felt normal (my normal). Feels like way too long. Trying to break free of the evil curse that is most of my life. How would one go around this extensive problem, Write a list of pros and cons, Go see a specialist!!!, Make new friends, Learn how to walk a tight rope (no seriously), Try and piece it all back together or go the easy way out.
I wanna try. I think I want to live, Just I might let down a few people… But is that anyway to live. Example, A a man walks by and says to a depressed man on his patio “Hi John how’s your day?” John says “Well just splendid” “This morning I got up hated myself a little more and am staying alive for the sake of a few people” “That’s nice *faces away back on his journey* – I’m going for a jog see ya! (but in reality they don’t really ever want to see you again.) So how does John feel now? Better or worse? What if this happens everyday. Do you think John would get lonely even more depressed then he even thought he could be. I think so. I think John and I have a lot in common.
I am trying and have been trying to fit in to this … society since as far back as I can remember. Just about everything I did or tried was ridiculed by others. I kept my head up and moved on. I’m really sick of doing this. Thank you to the ones that believed in me and still do. You are gold people you shine in the dark.
Tomorrow is another day. And just maybe a new friend will appear or maybe I will have to invent some.
I have still a handful of people who live around this planet I will love forever as friends. If I have to say goodbye to my current ones so I don’t get hurt anymore. So be it. It still hurts though.
Peace out,
NW

Filed under: ADHD, agoraphobia, Anxiety, Day by Day, deviations, Disorder, distraction, Family, insomnia, Meds, mental health, nightmares, nightworrier, pain, schizotypal, Thoughts, TN, Trouble