CBT at the Beach

A couple of days ago we were in the middle of a heat wave. 43 degrees. So we went snorkelling. I thought this would make great CBT. I had calmed my nerves from the ride down and was ready to visit my sea buddies.

As we got out of the car a plane was flying over the water  then a huge siren. I approached the jetty which I was walking down to get to the reef.  I noticed everyone had left the water and as I was walking down the jetty snorkelers were walking past me saying “at your own risk mate” I got the Idea. as I was getting in the water people were saying there’s a shark around. I never saw it but about 5 minutes of swimming and a cop walked up to the end of the jetty and asked us very politely to leave the water. He could tell we were not going to and left it to us.

I noticed a mass of neverending fish swimming all in the same direction towards the few swimmer. Some people got a bit scared and assumed the mass of fish was because of something larger chasing them. Like I said I never saw the shark and because of my weak circulation I was only able to swim for a short time. When I got out of the water I couldnt feel my hands it lasted till I got home and had a warm shower.

We walked along the beach after wards just enjoying the shallows and making a copy of the 4 metre white pointer out of sand.

My sand shark

I will try and go to the beach again soon.

Peace,

NW

Heatwave so hot for so long.

So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake.  Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.

Note: 53kg this week.   58kg 2 weeks ago…

I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.

Peace,

NW

Hope it cools down soon.

Stay cool if ya feelin it.

The Current Flow

Over the last week I have had to take serious steps to take care of the T.N, anxiety and feeling down. As I am still waiting for further  medical help to get through each day with much more ease and probably will be waiting a while until things work out. But I can only imagine how much easier at this stage. The latest heatwave isn’t helping. I’m feeling quite sick every other day. I’m doing the best  I can to survive the weather with cool showers and fans.

I am still getting help from the local mental heath  support. Without I just couldn’t say. But I have been a wreck and been looking for help from them. I know I shouldn’t because they really are in no position to hear the crisis I am in. Regardless they did help me enough to go to hospital. They did talk me down from a very … place. I am calm and relaxed enough a majority of the time to realize anything I do I my decision alone and I shouldn’t involve anyone or I will just make stress for everyone. In the meantime I have caused so much stress already I don’t want anymore. I want peace. I want people to all be happy and at ease always knowing I’m doing the right thing by myself.

I have decided to do some thing rules for myself I guess you could say. these rules will keep me not only alive but maybe find times of true relaxation. Calling my friends and family more (when appropriate), Paint more, dance more. On the other end of the scale  Take time in the garden to relax. Find time to be alone. less things happening the better. can really only handle it when there is absolutely nothing happening. No colours no movement no eating. Well minimal eating.

After the latest stress from things I have gone to hospital for help I really need they’re help.DENIED again (It’s like they want me to die!!!)(people wonder why I don’t trust the system<—They should give me a reason to trust them.) -  I have also asked the mental health team (only to be judged and accused!!!) accused of what? your probably thinking.  After I told them about the girl they asked what was I doing at the change rooms at that time. I said because I was getting changed. I think they then said something like…”That just doesn’t add up”. “If you don’t tell us everything we can’t help you” I fell into despair when I realized they were not only not going to help me but they now thought I had something to do with that poor girls passing. I stumbled I stuttered and I was scared. I just wanted out.When they asked If I would come back. I thought I could just walk down the street with a dress on if I wanted to be scrutinized and humiliated. I think I left that one  unanswered. I will never call for help again.!?!?!?!

I was called by them on the way home on my mobile. I said I would call them back when I got home from the psych. 10 minutes later I called back I was received with a person who asked who I needed to talk to she then said the person who was expected my call had just knocked off for the day and the message left behind was. Client :nightworrier notes: stop support. No longer deal with. Not that I could be let down any more by any one but again another stab but hey what a stab when you already have multiple stabs to the heart.

I think I know the short answer to that. I wouldn’t talk during the meeting with them. Several reasons. They we not particularly welcoming. We walked down a hallway to a small room. I sat opposite 2 people I didn’t know (though one claims she has met me) I was very confused. Even on my regular medication I was hallucinating and had vertigo I was nauseous. THe taxi driver that drove me there was pissed off.  I had no reason to feel comfortable. So I could not talk and now they are paying me back by not helping me!!! Who’s crazy!!!

I actually agreed with doctors I need to go to hospital  in a psych ward before this gets out of hand. Even my partner can see that. I am broken when I wake in the morning I get up if I have to open a door Its like opening a floodgate of feelings. I feel like it’s going to happen again and again. My Psychiatrist said I was still stressed from the day. It was possibly going to take more then a couple of weeks to feel normal. I just don’t want this to get to the stage I was 9 years ago. Completely agoraphobic and scared of everything. Why can’t they help when I am in dire need. I don’t know how I will handle this Im still  skimming the surface of reality. I don’t blame the system for not helping me through this better. I am surprised I am left with this and no offer of real help.

Somthing is bothering me right now maybe its the 40 degree heat and my patch or maybe Im just feeling a bit like everything is too much.

Peace,

NW

Thanks to everyone that has helped. Excuse my lack of communication I need this time alone. I have to many problems really holding conversation. Please forgive me in the future.

xo

Wish me luck. Peace to all.

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later -  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-

A lot of Things to Catch up on. (Or I’m not dead Ok!!!)

The last 2 months , Well since about my birthday I started dancing again. religiously 3 hours a day. I get a new move almost every week. Something that makes me feel good. A crew has begun at my house there are approx 8 members 2 oldskoolers and some new bboys They’re mainly seniors that come from the local school and train with me everyday. I watched them progress and now I see them dance with so much style and very smooth and natural on the floor. At first I was their instructor it seems now we are all helping each other out with new moves we are even better friends since the crew started. We have a lot of moves, tricks and routines now. I can feel that great rush of being in a crew again and dancing with others. What else is good is the families of the dancers are quite supportive of it all.

On a sad and rather related topic. A recent fallout with the neighbours through bitterness on theyre half. The Mother of the house has decided to start throwing random allegations about why students come to my house after school. Even threatened police involvement. I welcomed it and called my local police station and told them whats been happening.. So I have at least done my bit. She knows full well what we do and whats to cause problems. THis has not helped my anxiety one bit in fact it’s made me kinda annoyed. Actually very annoyed. As you all know Im just getting use to going out again and these threats and intimdation techniques are bringing back bad memories and dreams. I feel like I have no peace with her disrupting my life. Her son is a steroid fuelled idiot who whats to cause problems and start fights. He nce came to my house and beat up his younger brother in front of me. The younger brother had done nothing wrong.

Moral of the story…. If kids are coming around to your house to play instruments or learn arts or super soakers Watch cartoons and dance. Be careful there are plenty of people out there who are happy to guess what your doing and drag you through all kinds of threats and trouble. Some days I think it’s not worth it anymore but for what they get out of it it’s very worth it. So I’m gonna keep doing it regardless.

Wish me luck. I’ve had a short fuse lately,

Peace,

NW

Neverland now re-established

I’m sure this will cause some hate mail..It’s cool I got a seperate box to  put that in and one day I’ll publish it all for you. Proceeds will go to Childrens foundations.

Thanks again to all the readers who’ve been here since the start.

Exhibition (Updated with pics Now!!!)

So I went to the exhibition opening with my support worker. I was glad I did. When we got there I was kinda freaked out. ( I always am at first its a given.) Especially If it starts in a city car park and an elevator. I’m sure it was easier because I had support there with me.

After walking around looking at the different paintings, poems, sculptures and photos I started to relax. I got less self conscious as the night proceeded Then what more would you want but an old mate to be there to enjoy the night. I was really happy that my friends and mentors  from the program had turned up. They are all really good people. The place was so hype. Around every corner was a bright different piece. I got to see one of mine up. It was cool. Not my favorite pic or anything but nice to see my work up there.  My other painting which I personally really liked was unfortunately taken before it was displayed. I hope it’s being enjoyed somewhere rather then just binned. But either way. I still love to paint I find it very relaxing. Can you believe I just said that ”Relaxing”.(that’s the second reference in one passage)  I think I’m learning how to.

When I can conquer relaxing. I will have improved my life measurably. Well I am again very happy that people helped me and encouraged me against my judgement(monkey on my shoulder) and got me to do it.  Another challenge faced, Another really good feeling inside. I will hold onto the night.

Punked

This was the painting that was unfortunately stolen before the exhibition. (strange story maybe will write about it in future blog) If you have it and would like to return it please call me again and we can arrange it. I would be very thankful. Otherwise please enjoy it and treasure it.

This next one was inspired by this blog in fact.

Writing -another- note

This is the other one I put in the exhibition.

They are both done in acrylic.

Hope you like.

I will make a separate blog soon for my art.  sketches,  watercolour,  spray, oil,  sculptures, acrylic, cartoons and lots more.

Peace,

NW

Performing… How and Why?

I got up early this morning because of withdrawals. Plus I thought I might start early again. Get my sleeping in order. I was browsing around on youtube when I found an old friend. He lives in another country far far away. I never expected to hear or see this person again. We only hung out for a week but we had a really good time. It was a nice surprise. I left him a message how he’d inspired me to get out and perform (good for the soul and good for the crowd) When he left to continue his stuff around the world I thought about how I could make a difference. He was a street artist/comedian.

About a year later when I was agoraphobic. I needed an outlet for my adreniline and nervous feelings. So I learned to dance (from the internet). At that stage I had forgotten the real meaning in performing to an audience. I spent a year at home practicing getting a bit better everyday. Then my mate from high school really pushed me(in a good way) to go to a dance studio and meet other dancers. So I did. I started a girls crew and we did really well. I left there and became solo again until another year later when I got an unexpected call from a 13 year old dancer saying I should do a show in the middle of the mall. I really respect this kid so I summond up the courage to do it. That day kicked off my dance with a bigger crew. They were really supportive as I was the only girl. They got me to gigs and shows even interstate show. I am forever grateful for. We have since split up but in our hearts we are still family. We will always be dancers and friends. So I am again solo. It doesn’t bother me but I would love to get down more with the kats perfoming in town and on the street. I know this is so cliche but I want to dance for the love of the dance. bboying will always be the bastard son of hiphop as long as people keep not accepting it as just as much important art form as scratching, painting, emcing. Very rarely respected enough by the rest of the hip hop community. One day it will get the respect it needs I’m sure. But in the meantime Im gonna dance till I drop. The earth is a really big dance floor. Thats what makes me happy.

I have to dance at a show on this Saturday. My fitness isn’t up to sctrach so I’m riding my bike going for walks and dancing to get back there. I have a few combos and sets ready. The main thing is I’ll have fun and I’ll have in my mind this dance will be for my dear friend that passed away in 2005. He was a magnificent mc. He even did a song about me. I loved all his rhymes.

I know everything will be okay,… Wish me luck anyway!!!

Peace out G’s

Night Worrier

Thanks to bboy Katsu (JPN), Budda (Canada), Storm (US), Kool Herc (US)  You’ve been a huge inspiration for my dance. And of course all my close friends that have stood by me and helped me through the hard stuff.

Peace

Opiate withdrawals (terrible reaction)

A day at the beach and a night in hospital. What happened? My 50 microgram patch kept falling off so I covered it with medical tape which I found absolutley useless. Still kept falling off so I wasn’t getting the dose of Fentanyl I should’ve had. I left the beach and got home but not in time to go to the chemist to get my refill. I’m not allowed to take any other opiates.

Later that night or should I say 3 in the morning I was feeling awful my heart felt really strained and I was in a right mess squirming around on the floor, It wasn’t the pain so much that was bothering me but the absolute hell of trying to crawl out of my skin. By 4 am I was getting worse and couldn’t stand up.

By then my partner was asking if he could call the ambulance. I let him an it seemed like a lifetime for them to show up but it was probably only 10 minutes. Every second was like a new hell. I couldn’t work out for the life of me what was wrong. I have been pretty stressed latley though. When the ambos came inside they wanted to take my blood  but i was still a absolute mess and couldnt stay still. So I summond all the strength I had to stay still as for 5 seconds so the ambo could stick the needle in.

When I was in the ambulance the put 3 seat belts across me and tryed to keep me still but I managed to kick the sheet off of me.  So the ambo undid one of the straps for me. I think either that or broke it ( i really doubt that though).

At the hospital I still couldn’t stay still they tried to put heart stickers on but i was still a mess I could not stay still. They kept asking me simple questions when  I was so confusd even tho its my local hospital I couldnt belive it was it just didnt seem the same. The only question I knew for sure was that it was 2009 and I was pretty pleased I had the right answer.

The doctor thought it must of been Fentanyl withdrawals which I now know as a very nasty withdrawal to go through. When I calmed down I really passed out I was constantly awoken by the nurses and doctors shaking me and saying my name very loud (which also scared me) for tests or xrays .

Needless to say I’m back on the patch and it took about 6 -8 hours to take effect. My face and body are so much better.

In the future I will get my script on time and not ever let this happen again.

Peace,

NW

Looking over the day

Well just as I thought everything would be bad  today but. An aquaG dropped in with some sparkling ale. Which was great at the time but now I got anxiety again. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh. I cant stand being inbetween type person. Can’t drink too much or it affects my patch then can’t drink anyway because my brains screwed on wrong and makes me paranoid and panic.

-Julian lets hang around in the lost and found together. Meet you soon mate-

Thanks to someone who put me on to the TN site. I find it great It’s like there is a lot more in my position.

I’m so miserable it couldn’t be measured. I am alone again and don’t know what to do with all these left over feelings.

I’ll write more when I have something useful to say.

Peace,

NW

Just started hasn’t it?

After some horrific nightmares of tunnels and weird people  etc. Might talk about it more later. I openend my eyes this morning and thought. Feels warm looks like a nice day  for the weather. So I patted Bonny (the new pup) and got up.  I went straight to the shower. As I went in the Pup came through the lounge and started playing rough with the big dog and my Husband. I told them not to play rough because of her broken leg but It’s like I get told off.

I got to the shower and keeping withing the 3 minute time frame as not to destroy humanity through lack of water.  I kept hearing this noise and it was really iritating me. When I worked out it was the man playing with the dogs I got really annoyed. He just wouldnt stop. My entire 3 minutes of peace was wasted When I walked into the loungeroom he had Techno playing and still playing with the dogs. He stopped after a while and had breakfast. I tried to relax I got the mp3 player and some phat headfones with Eelliott Smith and the beatles or somthing to calm me down. well my headphones were broken by this stage the music in the house was up 10 fold and so was my panic I mean I’ve been up for only half an hour today.  I hope this isn’t the start of the show. Otherwise it’s more benzos ad heavy tranquilisers till night. Where I’m sure I will have done no house work and will realise my destiny again.  Soon The world will call itself 2009. I will write something nice before then.

Peace,

Night Worrier