CBT at the Beach

A couple of days ago we were in the middle of a heat wave. 43 degrees. So we went snorkelling. I thought this would make great CBT. I had calmed my nerves from the ride down and was ready to visit my sea buddies.

As we got out of the car a plane was flying over the water  then a huge siren. I approached the jetty which I was walking down to get to the reef.  I noticed everyone had left the water and as I was walking down the jetty snorkelers were walking past me saying “at your own risk mate” I got the Idea. as I was getting in the water people were saying there’s a shark around. I never saw it but about 5 minutes of swimming and a cop walked up to the end of the jetty and asked us very politely to leave the water. He could tell we were not going to and left it to us.

I noticed a mass of neverending fish swimming all in the same direction towards the few swimmer. Some people got a bit scared and assumed the mass of fish was because of something larger chasing them. Like I said I never saw the shark and because of my weak circulation I was only able to swim for a short time. When I got out of the water I couldnt feel my hands it lasted till I got home and had a warm shower.

We walked along the beach after wards just enjoying the shallows and making a copy of the 4 metre white pointer out of sand.

My sand shark

I will try and go to the beach again soon.

Peace,

NW

Hard Day

This day and night has been longer and harder then expected.  I have been thinking about my dog I have been missing since he passed on in 05.  I can’t help but feel all the feelings I felt on the day at least not so strong but I still miss him alot. Lil Blue pup has been comforting me all day. I have had a tonne of friends over. They always lift my spirits. They have all gone home now and it’s 2 in the morning. I actually really like to be alone. More time for freedom and time to think. At the moment all I can think about is Brusey boy.

Might sound like a cop out but I think I’ll be taking seroquel to sleep a bit tonight. I am still taking the stuff quite frequently to help deal with my problems. I have dealt with them all I can in the real world. Now all I have is thoughts. Not just thoughts but useless/ irrational/ scary and weird thoughts I’d rather not get into. It’s so easy for people to just tell me to think straight all the time and – Don’t do anything stupid -. I saw my psychiatrist couple of days ago and he asked if I had done anything in haste or had any “Accidents” lately while he was away. I swiftly answered ‘no!!!’. I guess I was just worried about his reaction. Plus I had signed a contract with him stating I will not do anything like that.

I sprained my ankle yesterday!!! I can’t believe it. Not again. I was just getting so good and strong. When it happened I sat for a moment in pain but it wasn’t the physical pain that broke me it was thinking about taking the next 6 weeks off dancing again. The embarressment of doing it again. The dreams that constantly come so close to brush by only to fade away. I am so sick of injuries. It was a stupid injury too. I was running through the crew’s bedroom and misjudged my footing and rolled my foot off the corner of a mattress. Ahhhhh. I don’t want to even walk now. My smile is very strained now aswell.

I would like to wake up soon and not feel like Im as weak as a twig mentally. I need to find a way to strengthen myself in the head. Ya know?

Well I needed to air some stuff and now I have I’m feeling a bit better. Off to have my shower then bed and an episode of Bear Grylls to cheer me up and remind me of great challenges that don’t involve red tape.  Every time I watch it I want to sneak out and escape to the wild. Free from everything (Including TN).

Peace,

NW

Love u Bruse xoxoxo

PAIN!!!

A whole night of killer pain. It started as a toothache but the toothache st off my TN so  I didn’t get any rest from the pain even with my new patch on I was begging for help. I used half a bottle of benzocaine on my face and inside to stop the feeling but nothing seemed to work I used panadol and brufen every 4 hours and still I am getting about 1 attack an hour. Just because i need this tooth pulled. I can’t even really afford the dentist right now but my family are helping me out. They really try to help me. I wish I could help them too.

Well I have always dreaded this day. The Dentist vs TN and anxiety… how the heck is this gonna work???

Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW

Went Off with a Blast

Because of the recent Court dealings with are now over. forever we all hope. I decided to postpone my birthday from the 15 to the 25th as the court hearing was the 16th it was really inappropriate.

So on Saturday the 25th I put on my black slacks, A zipped and buckled jacket one glove a slight make over (Dayum) and invited all the neighbourhood kids(aged around 15-17) over. They dressed as various characters. BTW I was dressed as Michael Jackson. During the night I put on a small display of my MJ moves. Through the night we played various things at one stage we let go a huge party popper in the house. For some reason the kids thought it was a huge fire work and ducked and dived behind chairs(I have great footage). This was quite a highlight as most of them didn’t know what PTSD was beforehand. VERY SORRY. I clarified this with each of them fterwards and they laughed until they’re stomachs hurt so I don’t  think there are any hard feelings there.

Later in the evening swim set up a  fireworks display everybody enjoyed and no one got hurt.  I will post some videos of it soon for all to enjoy. And replace it with these sentences.

About 10:15 they all came running upstairs and said “Put the radio on ‘Fresh’!!!” So I found Fresh and listened about 5 minutes in there was a Shout out to me from them. I thought It was such a sweet birthday present. I thanked them all for there kind thoughts and consideration.

More fun and games with Laser hunt later. Most of us were very tired by then but we still had a lot of fun and I think Jackson would have found the night to be a wondrous and loving party to have as I did. (Next time it’s Disney movies and a sleep out.)

These young people are thoughtful and moral members of the community. I feel privileged to be with them.

I really loved the party.

Peace,

NW

RIP MJ

Pups are growing up (4 weeks, 5 days)

Well every day they eat more they make a lot more mess and It takes more hours of cleaning. After it all they sit there and look at me some come over to me and yelp to be picked up. When I look at them I see such sweet little critters. I can only hope they go to really good homes. Some are lucky enough to already have homes but there are a couple left.

I have become pretty attached to them over the weeks. It’s impossible not to. They have nick names. mainly so I can tell who has eaten, keep an eye on weights. There’s Nudge, Pattie, Sootie, Princess, Bluey and Ziggy. I don’t think they know I have nicks for them. Well Pattie the runt comes when you call anything really. They all have little personalities.  Nudge likes to be a big strong boy and play fight, Ziggy is a escape artist (cartons,enclosed areas, blocked rooms), Bluey likes to contemplate sitting staring away into her thoughts, Princess cuddles and wants affection(which is duely given).  Sootie is also a big strong boy and likes to hang out with Nudge.

As for Mum And Dad, Dad(Dave) likes to lick their hair into cool mowhawks and most of the time keep his distance. many times the pups have ganged up on him and he has run out of the room. Mum(Bonny) is a really good Mother she checks on them all the time but really now only looks at them when she has to now they are so mobile. The bigger dogs get swamped by them sometimes.

Well that was my decent excuse to do a write up on the dogs and pups. They rock my world!!!.

Peace,

NW

The Puppies

So It’s been nearly 3 weeks since Bonny had her puppies. They are doing awesome. 2 days agot hey all opened they’re eyes. and now they’re walking , growling, fighting, barking. They are all immensely cute. Bonny Is a fantastic mother. She is so young and she is so responsible. I won’t let her have another litter…. for a while at least. She have to have her own yard 5 weeks of the year. Doesn’t mean I will be spending any less time with her. She’s my best friend. She follows me everywhere and always keeps me alive. She watches me paint and dance, Even write entries. She says Hi.

This is a pic of one of the big ones Nicknamed “Sooty” kissing the ” little one” I think they are very sweet. Just makes my heart melt.

Soot and 'Lil One' kissing

Everyday I look for people looking for Australian Cattle dogs. I have a few buyers so far. And yes I was going to probably give them away. After looking after them so carefully and making sure they are healthy and see a vet. I will charge a small amount for them.  I imagine once they are old enough all the ACD freaks will come out looking for them.

Well that’s my puppy update. I’ll make a more lengthy one when they’re older and show they’re growth stages. from grumbling little first day fur balls to little 6 week terrors. It’s been a great journey with them so far. Maybe some lack of sleep sometimes but always worth it.

Peace out,

NW

XO

Exhibition (Updated with pics Now!!!)

So I went to the exhibition opening with my support worker. I was glad I did. When we got there I was kinda freaked out. ( I always am at first its a given.) Especially If it starts in a city car park and an elevator. I’m sure it was easier because I had support there with me.

After walking around looking at the different paintings, poems, sculptures and photos I started to relax. I got less self conscious as the night proceeded Then what more would you want but an old mate to be there to enjoy the night. I was really happy that my friends and mentors  from the program had turned up. They are all really good people. The place was so hype. Around every corner was a bright different piece. I got to see one of mine up. It was cool. Not my favorite pic or anything but nice to see my work up there.  My other painting which I personally really liked was unfortunately taken before it was displayed. I hope it’s being enjoyed somewhere rather then just binned. But either way. I still love to paint I find it very relaxing. Can you believe I just said that ”Relaxing”.(that’s the second reference in one passage)  I think I’m learning how to.

When I can conquer relaxing. I will have improved my life measurably. Well I am again very happy that people helped me and encouraged me against my judgement(monkey on my shoulder) and got me to do it.  Another challenge faced, Another really good feeling inside. I will hold onto the night.

Punked

This was the painting that was unfortunately stolen before the exhibition. (strange story maybe will write about it in future blog) If you have it and would like to return it please call me again and we can arrange it. I would be very thankful. Otherwise please enjoy it and treasure it.

This next one was inspired by this blog in fact.

Writing -another- note

This is the other one I put in the exhibition.

They are both done in acrylic.

Hope you like.

I will make a separate blog soon for my art.  sketches,  watercolour,  spray, oil,  sculptures, acrylic, cartoons and lots more.

Peace,

NW

Anxious again

It’s been a while since anxiety has reared its nasty personality. It’s once again a wall in my everyday life. Fortunately my partner is dragging me out of the house for a walk with the dogs in the reserve/quarry. It’s a nice walk down the hills to see the city scape. My dog runs around and playfully attacks her mate Davey the older dog. I keep trying to keep my brain steady on simple things/thoughts.
I’m anxious again.. I can’t believe it. over nothing… I guess that’s why they call it a mental illness. The Clonazepam has been helping me keep my feet on the ground so I don’t get carried away. The fentanyl is doing it’s job much better now and feels more regulated. I haven’t had a bad hit of TN for about a week (that’s great). At the time I was very anxious as I didn’t know how long it would last and it turned from a stabbing to a burning all over the area. I think sometimes the pain causes anxiety then there’s the fact I’m probably stressed over some small things.
It got so bad the other day I spent 16 hours or so in bed. I refused to get up. when I did I checked my email had a quick check on my net friends and crashed again for another day. So your probably thinking I feel refreshed well no. I feel like going to bed again. Maybe my doctor was right maybe I’m going to be depressed this winter. I know Paranoid Andr. you’d be thinking – it’s not that cold here but I think its relative mate. I think we do get a bit SAD here.  I have that tendency anyway.
I explained to my doctor. I had a contract with my psychiatrist that no matter what I would contact 1 of three designated people unfortunately there is only 1 person left on that piece of paper I can talk to it probably needs an uppgrade. He pretty much laughed and thought I’d never take that contract seriously. I still have it in my wallet. I guess whether I use it or not depends doesn’t it.
I got a big day tomorrow. My fear is its a very look here I’m about to take a spill type activity. I’m going canoeing again. This time I will be seeing it from a different but equally as enjoyable view. I now know what animals lurk beneath. Last time we were there and there was a dead stingray near the boat launch. I like rays. I hope I see a living one if not I will bask in the fact I know they’re there.
I don’t know how I’ll deal with the anxiety. It might be fine tomorrow I might wake up and realize there is no monster at the end of this book.
On the other hand I could have nightmares and get there tomorrow shaking in my shoes with a handful of Clonazepam (don’t worry I won’t over do it) I’ll wait till I get there before I decide what my brain will do.
Where do I go from here?…
Bed again I guess.
Peace,
NW

Love to my family and friends forever. xxXOOOXxx

Swimming with the fishes

I remembered 2 days ago that only 40 minutes away is a reef with fish. I packed up our wetsuits and snorkels and went to the beach. When we got there it was hot and I was awoken by a cool splash in the face by my partner. I think the heat didn’t agree with my patch. I figured once I was in the water it’d cool me down which was right.

I got to the shores edge and started swimming. I ignored the constant helicopters flying above. I guess they were there to look out for sharks but I figured there’s not much you can do if they want a piece. I swam to the reef which was a bit unnerving at times when it was 30-40 foot deep and the occasional big fish would swim by. I didn’t think I’d make it there but I continues with one fin as my other foot is still pretty sprained. As soon as I approached the reef small very beautiful fish approached me and swam around. I took a huge breathe and dived deep to see the fish in the reef. There were so may different kinds. Some angel looking black and white striped fish were the second type of fish I saw I was in total awe. Then more amazing coloured fish swam past with red tails and a purple striped body they were about a foot long absolutly amazing I could almost reach out to pat them . A lot of small silver wide looking fish swam with me the were adorable. Then more and more. At one stage a mass of huge silver fish they would’ve weighed a kilo each about a hundred or more really hard to tell but so many I couldn’t see when the swam past me the all turned in uniform into a big silver cloud… just amazing. I saw one toad fish and so many I don’t know what kind I really want to find out now. It was a great experience and A great way to get my mind off problems and pain.
Rating time. I have to say the biggest downside was getting scared as I swam past the dark things in the deep water. And when I wasn’t sure how much further I could go without panicking. Other then that it’s another 10 out of 10. Hopefully if there’s another day I can do that soon. Next time I’ll take photos underwater.
Another great long lasting memory.
Peace,
NW
xo

A Really Fun Day Canoeing

I had a great time. On Tuesday I went out with my support group and we paddled for the afternoon.

Everybody enjoyed it to the max. Even the guys that took a bit of a spill. They laughed it off very well. That was really good to see. The reaction not the spill.

I had a lot of fun there were dolphins swimming in the same waters which was nice.

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There were a lot of old ship wrecks there too. Crazy to think some are over a 100 years old. And still sitting there. Maybe not much lef but ya get the idea.

This is one we walked up to. Our feet sunk in the sand quickly!!!

It wasn’t enough to completely wear me out tho. I guess it doesn’t matter what I do I always feel like I’ve never used enough energy.

For a day out I give it very close to 10 out of 10. Only a couple of downsides. Not enough to loose points. An experience not to be let go. The Canoeing was fantastic everything else was a real bonus.

A fun day that will be remembered for a long time.

Peace,

NW
xo