Time of Year

Well it’s officially the silly season as some put it. I really don’t like putting it like that but it’s sometimes a bit stressful. This year is no exception. Maybe harder then usual. My partner is having a time and I hope I can help him through it so he is feeling better again soon. Its always hard to say how much things impact on him. He is quiet also strong.

Soon it will be the new year that’s something I know a few people will be looking forward too. Paranoid A. and I have both decided 2009 was too hard. Maybe we are whinging a bit but I think we deserve to.

Well I better get back to painting only a few days to go. Then I will be meeting up with some family on Christmas day for lunch then home for movies, drinks, Dinner with friends. Sounds good. I just have to build myself up so I’m not anxious. Then on the other hand (there’s Clonazepam).

Write again soon. Brain blank again.

Peace,

NW

Skipping reality

I almost got a decent nights sleep. I decided to take 100mg of seroquel to help. I have never had hallucinations or felt so weird on it ever before. Thats why I took it. I was also having withdrawals and waiting for my new patch to work.

So last night I had this feeling I was choking. I couldnt breath I thought it was from a lolly I felt like I had drank lungfuls of water.  I then woke up and found myself in the kitchen getting handfuls of water and trying to clear my throat then I walked around looking for the cd stack I knocked over when I was choking and couldn’t find it. Then I worked out that too was part of my dream. I looked for the culprit the mint lollies I was chewing before I fell asleep. Guess what. They didn’t exist either.

So the story goes I dremt I wasd choking on a lolly and my lungs were full of water. I then  dreamt I was blacking out and trying to drink some water but knocking things off the table in a chaotic style trying to survive. I dremt I knocked my drink onto the cd stack which fell over I dreamt I was going to die.

From the outside. I was asleep I then somehow got out of bed and walked past my partner in the lounge room and came to when I was at the tap. I felt very odd. I told my partner I thought I was choking. He   had know idea whatI was going on about. I went back to bed and back to sleep. Only to wake this morning still looking for that stack of cd’s I destroyed last night.

The line between reality and not reality is as thin as paper right now.

I’m now gonna take my morning medication and  try and cement the real thoughts.

Peace,

NW

Heatwave so hot for so long.

So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake.  Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.

Note: 53kg this week.   58kg 2 weeks ago…

I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.

Peace,

NW

Hope it cools down soon.

Stay cool if ya feelin it.

The Puppies

So It’s been nearly 3 weeks since Bonny had her puppies. They are doing awesome. 2 days agot hey all opened they’re eyes. and now they’re walking , growling, fighting, barking. They are all immensely cute. Bonny Is a fantastic mother. She is so young and she is so responsible. I won’t let her have another litter…. for a while at least. She have to have her own yard 5 weeks of the year. Doesn’t mean I will be spending any less time with her. She’s my best friend. She follows me everywhere and always keeps me alive. She watches me paint and dance, Even write entries. She says Hi.

This is a pic of one of the big ones Nicknamed “Sooty” kissing the ” little one” I think they are very sweet. Just makes my heart melt.

Soot and 'Lil One' kissing

Everyday I look for people looking for Australian Cattle dogs. I have a few buyers so far. And yes I was going to probably give them away. After looking after them so carefully and making sure they are healthy and see a vet. I will charge a small amount for them.  I imagine once they are old enough all the ACD freaks will come out looking for them.

Well that’s my puppy update. I’ll make a more lengthy one when they’re older and show they’re growth stages. from grumbling little first day fur balls to little 6 week terrors. It’s been a great journey with them so far. Maybe some lack of sleep sometimes but always worth it.

Peace out,

NW

XO

Anxious again

It’s been a while since anxiety has reared its nasty personality. It’s once again a wall in my everyday life. Fortunately my partner is dragging me out of the house for a walk with the dogs in the reserve/quarry. It’s a nice walk down the hills to see the city scape. My dog runs around and playfully attacks her mate Davey the older dog. I keep trying to keep my brain steady on simple things/thoughts.
I’m anxious again.. I can’t believe it. over nothing… I guess that’s why they call it a mental illness. The Clonazepam has been helping me keep my feet on the ground so I don’t get carried away. The fentanyl is doing it’s job much better now and feels more regulated. I haven’t had a bad hit of TN for about a week (that’s great). At the time I was very anxious as I didn’t know how long it would last and it turned from a stabbing to a burning all over the area. I think sometimes the pain causes anxiety then there’s the fact I’m probably stressed over some small things.
It got so bad the other day I spent 16 hours or so in bed. I refused to get up. when I did I checked my email had a quick check on my net friends and crashed again for another day. So your probably thinking I feel refreshed well no. I feel like going to bed again. Maybe my doctor was right maybe I’m going to be depressed this winter. I know Paranoid Andr. you’d be thinking – it’s not that cold here but I think its relative mate. I think we do get a bit SAD here.  I have that tendency anyway.
I explained to my doctor. I had a contract with my psychiatrist that no matter what I would contact 1 of three designated people unfortunately there is only 1 person left on that piece of paper I can talk to it probably needs an uppgrade. He pretty much laughed and thought I’d never take that contract seriously. I still have it in my wallet. I guess whether I use it or not depends doesn’t it.
I got a big day tomorrow. My fear is its a very look here I’m about to take a spill type activity. I’m going canoeing again. This time I will be seeing it from a different but equally as enjoyable view. I now know what animals lurk beneath. Last time we were there and there was a dead stingray near the boat launch. I like rays. I hope I see a living one if not I will bask in the fact I know they’re there.
I don’t know how I’ll deal with the anxiety. It might be fine tomorrow I might wake up and realize there is no monster at the end of this book.
On the other hand I could have nightmares and get there tomorrow shaking in my shoes with a handful of Clonazepam (don’t worry I won’t over do it) I’ll wait till I get there before I decide what my brain will do.
Where do I go from here?…
Bed again I guess.
Peace,
NW

Love to my family and friends forever. xxXOOOXxx

Fatigue and Mentalness

I woke up this morning and walked into the lounge room where my mate was sleeping. We slowly walked outside while complaining of our pains (like the couple of emo’s we sometimes are.) to have a smoke. I noticed I felt very tired. I don’t feel like doing anything.I’m just too tired. I haven’t even had my medication yet. Well after this post Ill do that.

I recently met someone who is into all the entertaining things I like we emailed for a while and I wasn’t feeling as alone. I’m pretty sure we can’t mail each other now *update* ( I can still keep in contact- Its been ok) . But as they say All good things must come to an end. I think that sayings crap (I still agree this saying is crap). It  seems like everything in my life comes to an end before it even begins.

Well back to this tiredness. I will go to bed early tonight as I have to see the doctor tomorrow. Probably be thrown around mentally so much so I don’t say anything and life continues its chaotic route. Oh yeh lucky me I get to see a copper aswell.

Are we getting closer to the monster at the end of this book!!! What ever you do I pray you don’t turn the next page.

You did it now we’re even closer to the monster.

Ahh no I need some real sleep.

Peace,

NW

I woke up early…finally

The last few nights I either haven’t slept or go to sleep at about 5 or 6 then wake up about midday or just after. Today I woke up after a rude phone alarm woke me up. I set it last night but forgot about daylight saving so I woke up even earlier. gotta love ADHD.
I’ve been painting like crazy lately. I don’t know why but I’ve used so much canvas and can’t afford to buy more at this stage might have to go back to water colour. I’ll have to paint some nice scenes. Lately my pictures have seemed a bit depressing or dark. Just a reflection on how I’ve been lately with the lack of sleep and worry about the future.
Next week is going to be hard. There will be a lot of things happening.
Yesterday my mate moved out and found herself a nice share house. I’m glad things are working out for her. She really deserves it.
I’m doing okay. Just a bit of worry throwing my sleeping out of wack and a few nightmares driving me crazy.
I’ll be fine.
Peace,
NW

When will I feel normal again. What is normal?

3:16am the neighbourhood kids have left after there late night bmx session in the backyard. I’m tired but feel somewhat good. Really sometimes company and some good communication and learning can really lift someone.
I guess today wasn’t bad but it did consist of me falling asleep every 2 to 3 hours whilst lying in the sun. I think I haven’t been getting enough sleep. Not allowed to take sleeping tablets without permission by the pain doctor so that will be a while. He’ll probably say no. I can still drink loads of milk and get as much tryptophane out as possible. That works most of the time.
I miss my mates on livingwithtn.org I should spend more time there then I wouldn’t feel so alone again.
Well I just recorded for the sake that I survived another day on earth did a couple of paintings and feel ok right now. Thats a good thing to remember.
I’m watching some nature documentary now so I’m definatly staying up for a bit. Its an aussie one on Mangrove animals with sharks n jellyfish it’s pretty out there. I don’t think I’ll be swimming up north for a while.
While everything’s different I never will work out whats normal.
I can’t really sleep right now too many thoughts. Cant put down pen paper. Bit hyper tonight.
It’s that bickfords coffee syrup i bet hehe been drinking it all night to knock me out (with milk).
Peace Out,
NW

Not More Doctors!!!

I went to the doctors yesterday which is four days since a simple operation I had. The doctor was worried about how much pain I was in so he wrote a referral to the emergency of the local hospital (Something I really could’ve done without. As my mental state was and still is very on edge)
So I did the right thing and I went to the hospital after giving up on loads of “panadiene’ 15 and ‘Ibruprofen’. I walked to the desk and gave them my paperwork from the gp. She got me on a bed so I could wail in pain without having to see people. Well that’s how I saw it.
When the doctor came he asked all the usuals? Why are you here? (I would’ve thought it was obvious from the gps letter but lets go on) Whats the rating out of 10 in pain. I replied 6. I said it was getting worse so I might need some relief if it becomes worse. approx 1 hour later a lady doc walked in the room looked at me and in a stern and angry voice said. “What are you here for?” again whats your pain. I can just bare to wimper …”8″ She promptly left the room. another hour later a student nurse came in the room and saw my pain and said she’d get the woman doc back but she never came. I was by this time in extreme crazy pain. Another doc arrived about 2 hours after that. asked where the pain is and walked out. He sent the student nurse in with an endone tablet. It was a joke. I asked for more paracetemol.
They said because I’m on fentanyl they can’t give me anything strong. So I asked for some anti inflamtory or nsaid that might work. I was getting extremely frustrated in them. They didn’t even do any tests. I told the doctor he was not doing his job and I’m here because I’m in unbearable pain that’s cause is not sure but probably related to the surgery. He walked out.
By this stage the pain had got so bad I was looking for a method of suicide in the room (unfortunately that’s not a joke). I collected my thoughts. I opened my bag and took 1 tramadol 1 clonazepam both for pain and a seroquel because I was really going nuts. They came back and saw that I was no longer curled up in pain. I was lying n my side and focusing on feeling no pain. The seroquel started to make me tired. The doctor asked why I looked so tired and couldnt string a sentence together. They said they’d get me the *special doctor. Which means a mental health worker. A familiar face entered the room. he sat down and said “you seem pretty drowsy? What have you taken be honest” so I was honest and it got me no where but a night in the hospital. They kept waking me up and didn’t like the blood pressure reading. I’m low anyway. Why all this fuss. The answer. The only answer. They think I’m there for drugs. Well thats what I think about that but now. Thanks to “my local friendly hospital” I’m on a mass of pain killers right now while Im writing this. The pain is still ridiculous and I am worried because the doctors didn’t have an answer in the end. Yes because they didn’t do ANY tests. And I have an appointment with a different hospital that specalizes in my problem tomorrow. So all I gotta do tonight is stay as pain free as possible. Its a real predicament. because tomorrow morning I have to see my pain doctor and I can’t put it off or Ill get days of Fentanyl withdrawal. It should be a good appointment as a social worker will be coming in with me. I am very quiet in doctors offices I always feel anxious to say anything. Well can’t keep on typing and venting my rage. I best get some rest it’s late. I need to deal with this pain for probably another 17 hours till I get to the hospital.
Peace,
NW
PS sorry about the spelling to much pain.

Time Out

I am giving myself some time out. Seems like in the last week things were very intense. I’m just taking it a day at a time. A simple cup of tea in the sun in the morning or just sitting outside watching the world. It’s been very basic in the last day or so. Its slow down time now. I’m not just referring the the medications. I physically need to slow down or my brain starts a riot for no reason.
My mate in Canada has been helping me hold up. I feel so much better after talking with him.
I’ve only just started to realise how much stress I have been putting my friends/ family and partner through. I’m so sorry they have been so supportive of me when I’m unable to get out of bed or eat or think clearly.
Another nightmare last night. Snakes again. I’m walking thru an amazon looking place and all the branches and objects start turning to snakes. I desperately tried to identify them but it’s always too late they’re surrounding me and I’m terrified. I woke up and was relieved even though I only had 3 hours sleep I was not going to go back.
Even going into the bedroom I start freaking about the dreams I’ll have the lack of light. See I really like to sleep with lights on. Which makes it hard for my partner who has to put up with all sorts. If im havin withdrawal on the last day of my patch I’ll be kicking the quilt off, clenching my fists, sweating till the bed is soaked and feeling like the devil is trapped inside and I can’t get rid of it. I used to cut to get it out and get relief. Then if I’m in pain I can’t sleep just hold myself together as best I can but I tell ya it gets really boring only sleeping on one side to avoid the TN. Nightmares also means I have to wake him up and tell him or I feel f***ed. Then there’s the constant sound of the blind outside hitting the house which keeps my nerves on edge. Yeah I know I should fix it but I just haven’t had the motivation lately to do things, Anything really thats why it’s time out a time right now to ease the stress of EVERYTHING.
Simplified my medications a lot even cutting down a bit when I can. But I still severely need some sleep or sleeping tablets. I’ll see the doctor soon and get something to calm me down before I go to bed or even enter the room. Then theres the problem that I’m gettin a bit nervous just to call the docs to make an appointment because I’m just so bad at remembering appointment times. If my local doctor got a cent for every time I didn’t turn up. He wouldn’t complain about having to bulk bill patients and run a good effective practice. I hate when I waste peoples time or money. I feel so bad about it. I get more annoyed with myself. so the circle continues.
Time to break the circle and possibly buy a straight jacket. There was at least 5 times in the last week the world would have been much happier if I were contained, hog tied, locked in an empty room. You get the idea.
Well that’s about all I have to say right now.
Peace,
NW