Skipping reality

I almost got a decent nights sleep. I decided to take 100mg of seroquel to help. I have never had hallucinations or felt so weird on it ever before. Thats why I took it. I was also having withdrawals and waiting for my new patch to work.

So last night I had this feeling I was choking. I couldnt breath I thought it was from a lolly I felt like I had drank lungfuls of water.  I then woke up and found myself in the kitchen getting handfuls of water and trying to clear my throat then I walked around looking for the cd stack I knocked over when I was choking and couldn’t find it. Then I worked out that too was part of my dream. I looked for the culprit the mint lollies I was chewing before I fell asleep. Guess what. They didn’t exist either.

So the story goes I dremt I wasd choking on a lolly and my lungs were full of water. I then  dreamt I was blacking out and trying to drink some water but knocking things off the table in a chaotic style trying to survive. I dremt I knocked my drink onto the cd stack which fell over I dreamt I was going to die.

From the outside. I was asleep I then somehow got out of bed and walked past my partner in the lounge room and came to when I was at the tap. I felt very odd. I told my partner I thought I was choking. He   had know idea whatI was going on about. I went back to bed and back to sleep. Only to wake this morning still looking for that stack of cd’s I destroyed last night.

The line between reality and not reality is as thin as paper right now.

I’m now gonna take my morning medication and  try and cement the real thoughts.

Peace,

NW

Heatwave so hot for so long.

So it been hot lately roughly 35-40 degrees and I’ve been feeling ill, sweating patches off and getting a faster hence quicker intake.  Expecting tops of 41 degrees 3 days in a row this week!!! I don’t have an air conditioner. So it staying wet and in front of fans to stay at a reasonable temperature the anxiety and shaking has kept my weight down quite alot. Even if I eat my body just either gets rid of it or it makes me loose weight!!!. I’m not anorexic. Different people will say different things but Im definatley not dangerous. I will be soon If I keep loosing weight like this.

Note: 53kg this week.   58kg 2 weeks ago…

I will keep eating and remembering my medication so I am less anxious and feel like eating more often.

Peace,

NW

Hope it cools down soon.

Stay cool if ya feelin it.

The Current Flow

Over the last week I have had to take serious steps to take care of the T.N, anxiety and feeling down. As I am still waiting for further  medical help to get through each day with much more ease and probably will be waiting a while until things work out. But I can only imagine how much easier at this stage. The latest heatwave isn’t helping. I’m feeling quite sick every other day. I’m doing the best  I can to survive the weather with cool showers and fans.

I am still getting help from the local mental heath  support. Without I just couldn’t say. But I have been a wreck and been looking for help from them. I know I shouldn’t because they really are in no position to hear the crisis I am in. Regardless they did help me enough to go to hospital. They did talk me down from a very … place. I am calm and relaxed enough a majority of the time to realize anything I do I my decision alone and I shouldn’t involve anyone or I will just make stress for everyone. In the meantime I have caused so much stress already I don’t want anymore. I want peace. I want people to all be happy and at ease always knowing I’m doing the right thing by myself.

I have decided to do some thing rules for myself I guess you could say. these rules will keep me not only alive but maybe find times of true relaxation. Calling my friends and family more (when appropriate), Paint more, dance more. On the other end of the scale  Take time in the garden to relax. Find time to be alone. less things happening the better. can really only handle it when there is absolutely nothing happening. No colours no movement no eating. Well minimal eating.

After the latest stress from things I have gone to hospital for help I really need they’re help.DENIED again (It’s like they want me to die!!!)(people wonder why I don’t trust the system<—They should give me a reason to trust them.) -  I have also asked the mental health team (only to be judged and accused!!!) accused of what? your probably thinking.  After I told them about the girl they asked what was I doing at the change rooms at that time. I said because I was getting changed. I think they then said something like…”That just doesn’t add up”. “If you don’t tell us everything we can’t help you” I fell into despair when I realized they were not only not going to help me but they now thought I had something to do with that poor girls passing. I stumbled I stuttered and I was scared. I just wanted out.When they asked If I would come back. I thought I could just walk down the street with a dress on if I wanted to be scrutinized and humiliated. I think I left that one  unanswered. I will never call for help again.!?!?!?!

I was called by them on the way home on my mobile. I said I would call them back when I got home from the psych. 10 minutes later I called back I was received with a person who asked who I needed to talk to she then said the person who was expected my call had just knocked off for the day and the message left behind was. Client :nightworrier notes: stop support. No longer deal with. Not that I could be let down any more by any one but again another stab but hey what a stab when you already have multiple stabs to the heart.

I think I know the short answer to that. I wouldn’t talk during the meeting with them. Several reasons. They we not particularly welcoming. We walked down a hallway to a small room. I sat opposite 2 people I didn’t know (though one claims she has met me) I was very confused. Even on my regular medication I was hallucinating and had vertigo I was nauseous. THe taxi driver that drove me there was pissed off.  I had no reason to feel comfortable. So I could not talk and now they are paying me back by not helping me!!! Who’s crazy!!!

I actually agreed with doctors I need to go to hospital  in a psych ward before this gets out of hand. Even my partner can see that. I am broken when I wake in the morning I get up if I have to open a door Its like opening a floodgate of feelings. I feel like it’s going to happen again and again. My Psychiatrist said I was still stressed from the day. It was possibly going to take more then a couple of weeks to feel normal. I just don’t want this to get to the stage I was 9 years ago. Completely agoraphobic and scared of everything. Why can’t they help when I am in dire need. I don’t know how I will handle this Im still  skimming the surface of reality. I don’t blame the system for not helping me through this better. I am surprised I am left with this and no offer of real help.

Somthing is bothering me right now maybe its the 40 degree heat and my patch or maybe Im just feeling a bit like everything is too much.

Peace,

NW

Thanks to everyone that has helped. Excuse my lack of communication I need this time alone. I have to many problems really holding conversation. Please forgive me in the future.

xo

Wish me luck. Peace to all.

Devistating find!!!

Today Was a mixture of feelings in this first post I will sum up the problem I had when we I went to the beach.

As I went into the public toilets to get changed. I went to go in the cubicle but it was locked I looked under the stall and saw a girl lying in fetal position. I kept looking I asked if she would respond I thought she was in need of some narcan or better. I then  noticed her jumper had slipped up and I could see her back well I then noticed darkening at the lower most parts of her skin. My stomach squirmed. I asked my Mum to have a look. I asked if she was gone? Mum wasn’t sure. So I ran across the road to the hotel and asked the waitress to call ‘000′ fast and bring something for a possible overdose. Deep inside I felt it was futile. I ran back to check on the girl she was about my age. I kept talking to her asking her to please get up. I could not see any movement. I felt worse about I started thinking. She probably knew that was the last time she’d lock the door behind her. I think everyone deserves a dignified passing. I hope she left in peace.  R.I.P Jane Doe of West beach.

I didn’t want to tell Mum she was gone. And I think Mum didn’t want to tell me.  The paramedic arrived and asked if she was my friend I told her I didn’t know her I had just found the sad girl. Mum took me aside and told me she had died. I didn’t know what to think. Had I been too slow or was she already gone for a while? I left the toilet and felt like being sick. I left the scene once the paramedics were dealing with her. I’m so sorry for her family and friends.

I would like this post to help me deal with it. Maybe help me sleep better at night. At the end of the day It was what she did that put her there and maybe it’s what she wanted maybe she really couldn’t take it anymore.

I would appreciate any comments that may help me with these thoughts.

Peace,

NW

I hope she is in a better place.

Still waiting…

I’m still waiting for an answer back from my doctor as to weather I can change medications now. I really need to as I have little balance anymore. I can only dance for a short amount of time and there are so many reasons I want to change to something new. I never thought I would have to wait 2 years for the doctors to be able to treat my chronic pain condition.

Today was a slight hell with a earthly outcome. I went to court with my partner to clear some things up. I was so anxious I couldn’t leave the house so I took more then my usual clonazepam to stay calm and collected so I could explain myself. When we initially arrived I thought I’d be cool and collected but as soon as we walked through the metal detectors I could feel an agitation in me that was not going to be held down. When I got to speak I told them that they were messing with my life and I didn’t need any more of it. I made it clear I would give the judge a bit of what for. I lost it. But still it worked out ok for all involved (most).

On another note the neighbors next door are still being a circus act and trying to terrorize the neighborhood. I have had enough of they’re antics/betrayal and destruction and have called the police (I know I’m not good talking to people in authority or anyone new in fact) but they have been excellent help and understand the dangers and risk the neighbors are to many of the dancers and myself. I am soon going to have to give another statement about some vandalism to my house. I am glad that is happening. I have that fight or flight feeling when I wake up in the morning and when I walk out the front door I can say fight is defiantly the winner there. I get worked up in about .01 of a second and If they walk near my house I have to use every ounce of strength not to kill them. I guess I need more self control. bah that’s so easy to say. I think I would do better with benzos. At least I have the police ready to act which is way better and smarter then giving them the much justified Glasgow kiss they all deserve. Either was everyone (dancers/friends other neighbors and us) will be more relaxed once it’s all dealt with.

The good news is my friends have been getting me out of the house for some fresh air and new sights.

7:30 My very good friend called up and asked If I wanted to go to the movies to see ‘Those inglorious Basterds’ at a 9:30 viewing  With some hesitation I agreed I knew I would be okay with my mate and not too freaked out.

7:35 I waited for him to pick me up as I waited my chest became tight and it was very painful a very strange sensation not teitzies something very wrong

8:00 One of the dancers put the blood pressure machine on me which was strange readings roughly 90 over 50 with a 90-98 pulse over 2 hours and not beeping in rhythm with a regular pulse. It was noted every time it stopped beeping I would cringe and fold my arm to my chest in incredible pain. I told everyone in the room no matter what don’t call ambulance I had to keep the phone behind me. They agreed on the terms if I stay conscious. Which worked out well. But on and off it’s still happening.

9:30 I look at the clock and look at my friends and partner who all have now stopped me from going out. And I wondered why my friend hadn’t shown up. He’s very reliable and I was starting to get worried.

9:35 My mobile rings and it’s My mates wife. She asks if I’m ok. I said all but a sore heart I told her T hadn’t shown up yet. She told me he was in hospital and had had a bike accident on the way to pick me up. She thought I was with him. I felt so bad and I can’t get it out of my mind.

A few days later -  I am wishing his family love and healing to recover soon. I have talked to him on the hospital phone and he is in good spirits even with so many breaks even his back. He is a strong person and will be up and running for his new little girl soon I know. XOXOXO

I have been having the crew over alot Floor20 (Klean, Chas, Damij, Merlin, Jester,Lil Z and the new guys) and they have been instrumental in keeping me fit and thinking. Not to mention my local community peer workers who probably don’t know how much a short conversation can mean to me, It always helps me think of the future. Something I think very little about these days. They also give me a step up when I’m under. I wonder when/if I will be able to do this myself. If I see it not working I will not waste the communities time. The last thing I want to be is a burden on society.

If things get too heavy I will do another re assessment of life and maybe stop the world and get off. Weather it means running away or something but the pain and pain problems are driving me crazy leaving out all the other issues – anxiety/depression/family issues/money problems and the rest.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to here. it’s been a rough road with many forks and dead ends. It takes a strong person to put up with me.

Lastly I must thank my partner for looking after me daily and helping me even when I have exhausted him. He some how gets it together to help calm me down.

So for everyone I love you.

Peace,

NW

-Reach for the stars-

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I hope to ba calling my pain doc in the morning to hear the good news that I will be switching medication due to alot of reasons. Basically the patches are not working well with me anymore well I must say that they only worked well half the time and I think anything has got to be better then that even if only a short time till we find something new. Today has been dreadful for me. I woke up anxious and stayed that way throughout the day almost unable to speak or do anything. So I don’t know where this is going but I’m very glad I have a benzo to fall back on. I have not been eating well. Probably drinking too much and smoking. I’ve also been working out and dancing so I feel very run down. I guess that would attribute to the feeling I have right now. Why do I feel sad during the day??? Every day. I think I don’t like the world very much right now. The telescope has been far the flavour. It gives me what nothing else can an enormous feeling of space and and a connection with the vast emptiness between beautiful things.
As for now I must remain seated and quiet until I figure out my future. I am quite worried about it at the moment. In one aspect. I am getting better at being in public in another I am falling apart with everything else. I don’t know how I still smile. well. I smile to show confidence. There is another thing I am enjoying right now well. I am tolerating is music or dead silence. I don’t want to hear another complaint or news or anything!!! Can everyone just get along. Be honest and live well. Where am I? I hope I find out tomorrow. The suspense is killing me. Another page closer.
Love you
Peace,
NW

Hard Day

This day and night has been longer and harder then expected.  I have been thinking about my dog I have been missing since he passed on in 05.  I can’t help but feel all the feelings I felt on the day at least not so strong but I still miss him alot. Lil Blue pup has been comforting me all day. I have had a tonne of friends over. They always lift my spirits. They have all gone home now and it’s 2 in the morning. I actually really like to be alone. More time for freedom and time to think. At the moment all I can think about is Brusey boy.

Might sound like a cop out but I think I’ll be taking seroquel to sleep a bit tonight. I am still taking the stuff quite frequently to help deal with my problems. I have dealt with them all I can in the real world. Now all I have is thoughts. Not just thoughts but useless/ irrational/ scary and weird thoughts I’d rather not get into. It’s so easy for people to just tell me to think straight all the time and – Don’t do anything stupid -. I saw my psychiatrist couple of days ago and he asked if I had done anything in haste or had any “Accidents” lately while he was away. I swiftly answered ‘no!!!’. I guess I was just worried about his reaction. Plus I had signed a contract with him stating I will not do anything like that.

I sprained my ankle yesterday!!! I can’t believe it. Not again. I was just getting so good and strong. When it happened I sat for a moment in pain but it wasn’t the physical pain that broke me it was thinking about taking the next 6 weeks off dancing again. The embarressment of doing it again. The dreams that constantly come so close to brush by only to fade away. I am so sick of injuries. It was a stupid injury too. I was running through the crew’s bedroom and misjudged my footing and rolled my foot off the corner of a mattress. Ahhhhh. I don’t want to even walk now. My smile is very strained now aswell.

I would like to wake up soon and not feel like Im as weak as a twig mentally. I need to find a way to strengthen myself in the head. Ya know?

Well I needed to air some stuff and now I have I’m feeling a bit better. Off to have my shower then bed and an episode of Bear Grylls to cheer me up and remind me of great challenges that don’t involve red tape.  Every time I watch it I want to sneak out and escape to the wild. Free from everything (Including TN).

Peace,

NW

Love u Bruse xoxoxo

A lot of Things to Catch up on. (Or I’m not dead Ok!!!)

The last 2 months , Well since about my birthday I started dancing again. religiously 3 hours a day. I get a new move almost every week. Something that makes me feel good. A crew has begun at my house there are approx 8 members 2 oldskoolers and some new bboys They’re mainly seniors that come from the local school and train with me everyday. I watched them progress and now I see them dance with so much style and very smooth and natural on the floor. At first I was their instructor it seems now we are all helping each other out with new moves we are even better friends since the crew started. We have a lot of moves, tricks and routines now. I can feel that great rush of being in a crew again and dancing with others. What else is good is the families of the dancers are quite supportive of it all.

On a sad and rather related topic. A recent fallout with the neighbours through bitterness on theyre half. The Mother of the house has decided to start throwing random allegations about why students come to my house after school. Even threatened police involvement. I welcomed it and called my local police station and told them whats been happening.. So I have at least done my bit. She knows full well what we do and whats to cause problems. THis has not helped my anxiety one bit in fact it’s made me kinda annoyed. Actually very annoyed. As you all know Im just getting use to going out again and these threats and intimdation techniques are bringing back bad memories and dreams. I feel like I have no peace with her disrupting my life. Her son is a steroid fuelled idiot who whats to cause problems and start fights. He nce came to my house and beat up his younger brother in front of me. The younger brother had done nothing wrong.

Moral of the story…. If kids are coming around to your house to play instruments or learn arts or super soakers Watch cartoons and dance. Be careful there are plenty of people out there who are happy to guess what your doing and drag you through all kinds of threats and trouble. Some days I think it’s not worth it anymore but for what they get out of it it’s very worth it. So I’m gonna keep doing it regardless.

Wish me luck. I’ve had a short fuse lately,

Peace,

NW

Neverland now re-established

I’m sure this will cause some hate mail..It’s cool I got a seperate box to  put that in and one day I’ll publish it all for you. Proceeds will go to Childrens foundations.

Thanks again to all the readers who’ve been here since the start.

PAIN!!!

A whole night of killer pain. It started as a toothache but the toothache st off my TN so  I didn’t get any rest from the pain even with my new patch on I was begging for help. I used half a bottle of benzocaine on my face and inside to stop the feeling but nothing seemed to work I used panadol and brufen every 4 hours and still I am getting about 1 attack an hour. Just because i need this tooth pulled. I can’t even really afford the dentist right now but my family are helping me out. They really try to help me. I wish I could help them too.

Well I have always dreaded this day. The Dentist vs TN and anxiety… how the heck is this gonna work???

Wish me luck,

Peace,

NW

Went Off with a Blast

Because of the recent Court dealings with are now over. forever we all hope. I decided to postpone my birthday from the 15 to the 25th as the court hearing was the 16th it was really inappropriate.

So on Saturday the 25th I put on my black slacks, A zipped and buckled jacket one glove a slight make over (Dayum) and invited all the neighbourhood kids(aged around 15-17) over. They dressed as various characters. BTW I was dressed as Michael Jackson. During the night I put on a small display of my MJ moves. Through the night we played various things at one stage we let go a huge party popper in the house. For some reason the kids thought it was a huge fire work and ducked and dived behind chairs(I have great footage). This was quite a highlight as most of them didn’t know what PTSD was beforehand. VERY SORRY. I clarified this with each of them fterwards and they laughed until they’re stomachs hurt so I don’t  think there are any hard feelings there.

Later in the evening swim set up a  fireworks display everybody enjoyed and no one got hurt.  I will post some videos of it soon for all to enjoy. And replace it with these sentences.

About 10:15 they all came running upstairs and said “Put the radio on ‘Fresh’!!!” So I found Fresh and listened about 5 minutes in there was a Shout out to me from them. I thought It was such a sweet birthday present. I thanked them all for there kind thoughts and consideration.

More fun and games with Laser hunt later. Most of us were very tired by then but we still had a lot of fun and I think Jackson would have found the night to be a wondrous and loving party to have as I did. (Next time it’s Disney movies and a sleep out.)

These young people are thoughtful and moral members of the community. I feel privileged to be with them.

I really loved the party.

Peace,

NW

RIP MJ