Last day of the year, Let’s try again.

The last month has been difficult for my whole family with many problems we have all had to deal with, Some days I think about every third day I consider ending myself, What stops me? well I have a lot of friends overseas and here I feel like I would be taking something from them if I left. So I will put up with the pain and put up with the emotional pain I am being put through. I want some peace but sometimes it doesn’t come at all. I put good energy out there to help make the world better, 2 minutes later The Nanny State Police are at my door.

The individual Cops I meet are generally nice and helpful. But the fact people don’t want me around is enough for me to stay and really indulge in life and with my break crew and friends. Watch me kick it better then ever next year. I will be the only one in my family in this city (this city is mine now) Time to show what I am really made of and yeah I am tougher then sticks n stones, more like a tough boulder with an 80kg Caber (did I mention Cabers are to throw across narrow chasms to cross!!! Bridges not walls.

Why haven’t I called a health line life line or gone to hospital? Because it’s a ‘shit circle’ (Lahey) and when Im in it theres nothing but a powerless  struggle between cops, docs and I. How can they tell me not to do something. they are just words. Makes me wanna get out faster. Right now I’m on cruise control. Just keeping everyone happy, so smile for this world, If you smile others will have not a fuck of an idea how you are or even care. Once they see the smile they assume ya home safe.

I know the people reading this are probably above average intel otherwise you would have felt sad and probably angry at things I have written in the past up till – right now- If that’s the case I happily invite you to leave.

The hate mail I get is really spamming my inbox. So if you have the time to write hate mail please send it to ebeboy@hotmail.com as the collection is quite large (Imagine your hate mail in my inbox on a huge pile of unread excrement) Sounds good hey. (I might even  publish you and send you some royalties) Hate is useless and only perpetuates more!!! So I will send you love in the hope you feel good enough in yourself to understand others. Peace

To all the wonderful people who have brought sunshine to my life and shared skills and knowledge you may send what ever you like when ever you like. I will be happy to read and report back. Much Love

My goodness if anyone ever had insomnia I get it, last 12 months at least I have only had max 5 hours on the best nights on the worst none (days in a row) and because of the depressant medication Im on they are scared to give me anything to sleep, even working out all day doesn’t help especially when the fatigue is so bad you fall (tight rope/ Acrobatics/ Dancing) Maybe I shoulda stuck with my stamp collection and embroidery – nah no way – for me that’s not living enough for me I am a self obsessed risk taking maniac and anything less would just be too soft. I understand other people get great pleasures from these thing but I will always need more and more challenges to prove to myself I can do it.  I have to especially with the TN. I have to show that pain it will not effect my life.

On another note if you were a doctor and told your healthy patient not to have kids or doesn’t even know what TN is and claims mind control can get rid of it. If he also tells you what are you depressed about – then without chance to answer he says get over it. I think that special doctor deserves his own blog post!!! His name in lights for the first time famous for being stupid and rude to all that meet him. He is actually that stupid he would probably think it was a compliment because it’s the only search that will come up on google. I might even get his name up on google before his practice gets a chance three pages later. I know revenge is not right but I don’t see this as revenge I see this saving many people from feeling depressed by seeing this GP (Genius Pig) His fifteen seconds of fame is coming up!!! Sorry if it ends his career of hurting people but that’s life (as he says: suck it in)

Disclaimer: No offense to real pigs they are intelligent beautiful animals. With a strong loving heart.

I hope you all have a great new year and for those who have resolutions try your best but don’t ever feel like a failure, earth is a practice ground for us.

Hug something tonight a friend a pet or yourself.

Peace & Love,

NW

See you all in 2012 <3

 

November the hardest month of this year

So this month I have been in agony so no sleep, irritable about to kill the neighbors if they step out of line one more time. They have abused my dogs smashed my car put explosives in the yards of houses around me. Stolen, Smashed 100′s of bottles on driveway and all down my street. If they blink at me I am ready to get all my energy together and give em a piece.  Lets see… I will ask the cops to help again but if they just put this on the records and wait for it to build up and the kid (19) next door can just get escorted to jail for the serious offenses he has done, I will relax. His Mother is to blame as well for having the saying to her kids “If your not caught you didn’t do anything wrong” what sort of parent gives they’re kids that advice? I just feel sorry for the young girl living there, no one in her family respects her and her evil brothers and Mother aren’t any help to her. I don’t think I will need to do anything though, They are so stupid with explosives and poisons they will end up screwing themselves over.

As for my life and it’s manageability. I just got off the phone to lifeline they seem not to call the police and ambos straight away. Even when I told them I wasn’t well, I just promised I would call back if it got to a stage where I couldn’t handle it anymore and am getting too frustrated.  If ya call that not sleeping, agitated to the point I punch the punching bag till my knuckles bleed and have no appetite then when I do eat I feel sick… Well I am there. I have no control over anything and when my partner asks what I want for dinner and I am not hungry I feel bad and say I am hungry so he thinks I am doing better then I am, Now I know at this point many of you will be saying why hide it just be honest, and many will be thinking just fake it till you make it, Well I’mm sorry it seems like a loose loose situation. I haven’t seen my peer worker for a month or so. I don’t know the number. I should probably look it up.  When I said I’d get back to J my peer worker I forgot I didn’t know his number and by now I am probably kicked off the program… wait I think it musta been a “compliance disorder??? WTF. I can’t keep up with everything.

Right now it’s 6.30 am and no sleep in sight. It’s been a year of insomnia now and I don’t know weather Im asleep or awake when i walk around I don’t remember weather dreams are real or if I really did leave my mobile out in the rain. Who cares right. I got 2 spares. The thing that sucks is even my partner has no mobile and it’s just crap I cant contact him or anything.  I feel like if this avalanche doesn’t slow or stop soon it’s gonna be the whole mountain. If that’s the case I am going on holiday.  I am sick of living for  people that don’t appreciate me or anything I do. The pain is excruciating. I don’t think the doctors are taking this seriously enough.But then again I have not expected much from doctors after The local pain clinic put me on a drug that caused much emotional pain and suffering. That was they’re only offer of help or the dangerous brain surgery that lasts a couple of years. I am old enough to take care of my pain now I don’t need the government to baby me.  I need more control soon!!! Talk about unreasonable.

I wonder what a beautiful world this would be if I weren’t here. The neighbors make this planet dark and evil – (they call themselves christian but apart from owning a bible I haven’t seen any other sign of christian beliefs.) Maybe the world especially my town would be so much better off without the little boys next door (19 -21 yrs) they better grow up quick because if they don’t it’s going to be a very hard lesson.

I will not let them stop me from getting around and I can only laugh at them when I see there hate-ugly faces staring at me when I do something. (dance, Slackline, ride, skateboard, kick the football)  They really need to get a life or pay to watch me train.

I think I’ll walk up the shops now n wait for em to open and get the first coffee of the day. Yeh it’s cold out there  summer mind you but once I start walking it wont be so bad.

Peace, NW

4 hours sleep, loss of 3 kilos in 3 days

Well ya can’t say I didn’t try, Last night I took a horse amount of tranquilizers, still had some withdrawal symptoms from taking my opiates too late. So struggling to get comfy my partner talks me to sleep, Bless the guy, he really tries so hard to help me (us). I look back at how I react to him and it’s just wrong, he does everything in his power to stop me from realizing this planet isn’t worth it. Katie screams all day and night. I can’t deal with it or run away from it. So somehow I am going to be doing shows with that in the back of my mind.

I can’t eat, I don’t want it to seem like I blame anyone for my lack of appetite, It’s just another reaction to my life.  I had one half a fork of dinner last night and it was a really nice looking meal my partner made, I could probably do with having a plate with much less food on it (That much kinda scares me.) So how do I feel? I feel nothing… Nothing at all. I have no happiness, the sadness I have doesn’t even show as I am expressionless, even if I just won a million dollars, I would still have the same “so my new comic hasn’t come in?”  I think to get an expression on my face you would have to pass me a gun or a noose, Then you may see a joyous happy person who is about to be set free of the pain and struggle of everyday unrelenting TN and RRV  (which I was told would go but the docs can tell that to my arthritic body in the morning.)

People don’t see that I am doing my best and trying to get me to move forward when Im falling back is just going to make my life harder. Yeah sure I’ll do homework sheets (where am I 6 years ago at the flats) Im over homework sheets never worked for me at school, definatley not going to work when my only will in life is to write how I feel. This is ridiculous a waste of air for other people and I think I’m gonna cut it short, no use waiting in a situation like this, I would love some understanding before I do the deed but if it doesn’t come I wont expect it to. Everyday is just another day I am asked to do something well out of my capability, I can’t even keep up with my own business,  I will have to shut down, close off friends and discreetly work out what it’s going to be. I think I have already been here way past my time.

Just goes to show, you can help and you can entertain but you can’t expect a fraction of it back. I thank the love of my friends for keeping me going this long because I wouldnt have experienced real love if not for them. That’s all I needed from this world and I feel this is enough for me.

Peace,

Night Worrier

Sick of it all ready to go. if by starvation let it be, If just pure neglect (an accident) What ever,  I will find a way out.

Change is Never Easy

Berrocca, chamomile, running, walking, skipping, dancing, Meditating, Yoga, Chanting, drinking 8 glasses of water a day, My fitness has gone down significantly.  This is quite distressing. I am trying to motivate myself but my thoughts are not letting me enjoy a moment. Partly because of the lack of food since – well this is a bad run of months Sept to Jan 1st. Forgetting Tablets, Sleeping 2-3 hours a day. I’m sure that can’t be helping.

Every time Change comes I run and hide. The only change I wouldn’t find to scary is to be put in a situation where I am needed. I don’t mean (spare parts*).

The issues with my family have been long standing and aren’t likely to cool anytime soon, Especially with the latest feud. I stand strong with my Little Brother he has made a life for him self in Japan. He is getting married there and working, Even a loving family. I am so very happy for him.

On the other hand I will miss him because it will be so long before I see hm again and life is unpredictable, I can defiantly say that for myself. So I will be happy in my heart he is doing what he desires and deserves.

It’s a pity I can’t say the same for the others in the family, Who have even been as rude as to not talk to my brother because he will be not only leaving the “family business” (that doesn’t include me and never will.) But as they see it he is leaving them.

My brother and I have grown up very close, very close best friends I would say. We will both miss each other until we see again.

I am afraid when he leaves I will have trouble coping with my family back here. They will expect more of me, be much more emotionally demanding, and tin all honesty I would like to say, “Look here’s my older brother who leaves >footprints of gold< If he can stop criticizing or being rude or putting up barriers to hide behind his sarcasm, He is a really good son to my Mum,  My Mum can even go to his house, I don’t think she will visit me unless I leave my partner, (That said I would leave the country as well.) My Little Brother and I have always been black sheep. In all familys we have been in – All of them. Luckily my lil bro proved them wrong and showed his independence to my family, It showed them there was more to the – kids- (referring to my brother and I)  I tried my whole life to prove myself, Music and science and sport. It all seemed overlooked or unnecessary, Maybe they thought I could make nothing of it. Now my family sis still pretty blind to the effort I put in not just to survive, but be successful and be something/someone.  I don’t expect then to come to my shows or that but I would like the same respect for what I do. Putting the trigeminal, rrv, GAD,CF, D.I.D and constant thoughts and plans of suicide to a side and I would think they would see how hard and how much heart I put into living, entertaining, caring, babysitting, local handy person (Even for neighbors that only call on my help for a snake removal, then they go back to disliking me from the rumors the neighbor spread years ago.

Finally I think the situation with them will be under control soon. eg, Hundreds of police reports, (they can’t all end up in the bin.) Regardless of they’re race and where they came from, Australian Law is just that and I welcome people to this country with open arms. I will not accept the behavior of people who don’t understand common courtesy nor are racist when they come here towards our country. eg. Arsonists, rape, discrimination, arrogance towards locals. These are all things my heart and soul stand against and I asked for mediation they have refused. I have evidence enough to get an arrest and I think it’s time to report it all to the police.

Anyone that’s stands for truth and justice will feel what I mean.

Thank you, Peace.

NW

The Show

No not a show I performed in this is the annual Royal show, Show bags, Agriculture, Wine tasting, Rides, No money, That’s the gist of it. I’m sure most towns and cities do this all over the world, It lasts a week and u can guarantee no one has money at the end, Well I went in with 20 dollars bought a six pack of Ned Kelly Red Wine and felt my experience was fulfilled. I Happened to be asked by my friend if I would go with him to volunteer for a stall. I was kinda freaked but didn’t want him to know, I agreed to meet him there and sit in the stall selling show bags, By the time we got the4re it was already 45 mins late and yes there were a lot of people. I had my Clonazepam in my bag weather I was gonna take it or not was irrelevant I just needed to know it was there.

My old School friend walked by my side till the fire works which was a really good thing to see. I relaxed and enjoyed the few moments of coloured sky. I imagined It was in my backyard and I felt ok about the crowd at that point, After that My friend and I skulled our Coopers and had a good sword fight. These are the moments I live for, I really don’t get the career thing and I wish I did so I could appreciate these things more, But as long as everyone around me calls me a poor /slow girl it’s really hard to build a self esteem from nothing.

Thank you my friend for holding my hand in the tough times.

I enjoyed being with a person who didn’t see me as a light headed empty capsule shaped like a human.

Peace, Love,

NW

My Birthday

What a day it was. Again it was on the same date as last year but this year with a silent twist. A very silent twist. I had no motivation, been told I can’t drink and felt just a little younger yet again. I finally managed to pull myself together I had a shower at the end of the day to help me relax. when I got out I put on my Pjs and opened the fire place and left the hot poker in it. I walked off to make a cup of tea. Check my email then went to sit down in front of it on my most mediocre day from memory, as I walked towards the fire I took the poker out and put it on the ground in front of the fire. I walked over towards the heater, next thing my foot is burnt and stuck to the hot poker, Mediocrity left that very moment and suddenly became a day I would never forget.My partner ran over with a bucket of water with ice. I screamed inside for about 3 hours. I ended up sleeping in front of the fire with my pajama leg pulled up and knee bent so I could sleep. Unfortunately I couldn’t sleep the pain was too bad. So at about 8am the next day I attempted to walk. Happy Birthday to me. I got a Slackline( like a tight rope but slack) for my birthday too (Irony) So after a night with no sleep.
When my partner woke up he looked at my foot and we found an early morning GP on a Sunday, He saw straight through me, I putr on the old “ahh it’s just a bbit of pain can you bandage it” he replied ” You don’t seem to like yourself very much do you? I was shocked, I changed the subject back to my foot. But he kept saying there is more to your problems then this, you should be happy. Wow that’s more then just a bandage. He asked me to talk to someone. I showed no signs of self hatred or anything I acted like I just woke up n had a little physical burn on my foot. So Dr sixth sense told me to come see him at his clinic. (I already have a heap of doctors/physicians) But I didn’t mind that he’d worked me out. Least I felt understood the day after my birthday.
My friends started coming over one by one each with a bottle of expensive liquors and of course 2 nice reds.They defiantly know me. I tried really hard to stay awake. I was too embarrassed to tell them I burnt my foot so on my party every one had a go at walking the slackline seemed to be the thing of the night, I came upstairs and watched some MJ movies n music then watch My favorite tribute artist Kenny Wizz on DVD. I drank a fair bit as I really felt I was missing out on the fun with everyone. Luckily my friends are very sensitive to my needs and came and joined me. So all up I ended up having a fairly good time even with an extremely sore foot. Thanks to everyone that held me up when I was down.
Peace, NW

I saw and met MJ well, I met Kenny MJ Wizz

I was stoked to hear tickets on sale a month or so ago and as soon as I had the money I bought 2 one for my partner and one for myself. The night started out with picking what MJ outfit I would wear, i ended up choosing a red CTE (children of the earth) shirt and Bad leather pants with the buckles, Even Kenny liked them. I met up with my friend at my house she didn’t know that we were going to see A huge MJ tribute. So I packed my thriller, beat it and billy jean jackets for her and hid them in the car.
When we arrived at the multistory carpark outside the venue we walked to the lifts to go down and a few more MJs joined us in billy jean and bad outfits by this stage my friend was looking at me as one of the people said in the elevator “I spose “this is it”. She turned to me in amazement of the amount of MJs in such close vicinity. When we got of the lift we walked to the theatre, by now she could see so many people in Bad and thriller outfits she started to wonder. then out came the tickets and she was so happy we jumped up on a bus seat and had our photos taken in front of the dazzling this is it sign and we were 2 very happy people. The night was just perfect, in every way. I felt as though I was there with MJ. I stood on my chair in the silence and screamed,,. Oww. Kenny (the tribute artist pointed and giggled) as did many others, It was a really good atmosphere with smiles all around.
After the show Kenny was kind enough to hang about for a while and meet and sign autographs, as I approached him I felt a huge excitement when i spoke to him he was vey engaging and sounded much like MJ. He was very nice.
The night left me feeling amazing, it was great to come home with my friend and play the Michael Jackson Expeience on wii as we both really do well at it.
Well That was it, well it was it, well not quite but it was Amazing,
Peace, NW
10/10

It’s Easter, Sunday sometimes religious – sometimes not

My house mates left chocolates and a note when I woke up i really thought it was very thoughtful. I had some friends over last night for drinks, I really feel like having another drink now. I have been so tired lately and getting up again at night from nightmares, I think I just feel a bit out of place some times it’s really hard to explain.I woke at 5pm today and will work out a bit then sleep. I really wanna have a cigarette, quitting is so passe. well I am going to attempt some strengthening exercises for facial and emotional pain and get these bad feelings to float away rather then weigh me down to cider or gin. The anxiety I have right now is terrible and is bad because I have learned that’s a trigger to bad depression if I don’t do something, At least writing this down will assure me that I have things to do and more options then hiding or falling in a heap. I’m still going forward maybe slow but I have more then 2 options now and that is very important. I must go to the chemist tomorrow I have avoided the last 3 times!!! and I think they will be thinking I’m weak. It’s just some days I cant do it. I will do it. Everything seems a bit random and out of sorts you could say unpredictable. Well that’s the way it is right now. Getting better… I think.
I will stay calm,
Peace,
Nw

Bad Morning, Confusing afternoon, Now reveiwing

I am not sure how to say this but something set me off thins morning I got in the shower and just felt overweight and hated myself for it, things got blurry after I got changed and ready for the day,I suddenly got very angry and wanted to do something, According to my my partner he called me down and took the metal star picket off me, I felt invincible… then it was a few hours later and I remembered I had things to do medication to pick up. So we went out and got some, I waited in the car very frustrated, Some kids around 15 walked past laughing, made me pissed off so I got out n told em to stop being wankers and shut up. they were about to give me lip and I madly started to chase them, I’m not sure what I said but they ran. I remember feeling good about it for a while. by the time we got home I was playing donkey Kong on DS to distract the confusing thoughts.
I wish I could keep a tighter tether on my emotions because they are running my life. I don’t want to go to prison. I am essentially a good person who on occasion wants an Uzi and a tower, Who doesn’t? This is after years of pain and rejection and resentment. I would do me a lot of good to beat up the punching bag until I have no more energy when I want to smash Up the *******rs. They will get they’re day. It will probably be someone else who cant handle them anymore but they know they are counting down.
So that’s my day. I’m gonna work on my weight a little. need to dance. I’m getting back to DS safety.
Peace,
Nw

Three weeks out and theres a difference.

Well it’s been about three weeks since my hospital admission. I have written about it in my drafts but not yet published as I’m just holding them till I feel I should post it. I feel better, I think they are properly diagnosing me now and I have a psychologist now who is excellent, with my weekly meetings with my peer worker J I am keeping track of myself better. It’s very handy to have someone help walk you through the jungle. In the last three weeks I have had some ups and downs but much more controlled in myself then before hospital, Before I went in I had a lapse and hung myself unsuccessfully of course and slowly was blacking out. After I barely remembered what happened but I knew It was another very stressful moment in my life and when that happens I get very confused and lost. So I was told by the doctor in emergency what had happened all I could really remember was the strain in my neck that after 6 weeks is finally feeling better. Today was a bit difficult I was doing what my psychiatrist said but I flipped again and tried very hard not to do something bad, Sometimes I feel like the law doesn’t apply to me. Especially when I am really angry and the things that make me angry would make anyone flip out. I am in another dispute over something with the local council as they want me to get rid of my paintings on the canvas covering the front of MY house (Owned) The paintings cant even be seen unless people pull over and get out of theyre car and look in to my house the only reason the council want me to move it is because someone (in the neighbourhood and yes they did nod when i asked was it next door complaining?) who wants to remain anon wants it moved but I know it’s next door because they want more access to my house and I am sick of replacing windows or having them watching me by standing out the front of my house looking in. I now have a plan in place for when they trespass. They are rude and controlling, This is my house not they’res If they want to be able to do what I do but cant they can get over it, I have had more compliments then complaints when people see the artwork.
It gets painted over usually during special occasions, Christmas, Easter, Summer, Winter. They can either get over it or move. I am going to live the way I want in my house. the letter from the council also specified the removal of 1 white broken plastic chair from the hard rubbish corner which is about 2 by 2 metres. So I moved it 1 metre. now you cant see it if ya staring down at my house or in my property.
Some people are so persistent in trying to ruin other peoples lives. Makes me wonder if they have any time left to be nice or any heart left to be human. They definatley have too much time on they’re hands and my bet is they called the police first as they are always wasting police time. When they do something wrong they call the police straight away to say we did it, The cops must be so sick of they’re petty complaints. Well soon the council will aswell.
Many people feel the same as I on this matter and most people in the area are getting sick of theyre destruction and gossip. The old Mother next door is such an old desperate housewife. She should stop being so rude to me. Not that that will change the way I think about her.
As for everything else, I have a couple of new friends they are cool very rebellious but cool. They are really respectful and really brighten the place up when they’re here. They have only been here 2 days and already don’t like the neighbours. Every other neighbour is kind hearted and nice they say hi when they see me and are very genuine. It’s those people that make this world fine, and livable.
I’m dealing with my own problem at the moment and any sudden changes can cause me to really loose it. I really am only now really getting a grip on it and it’s not really too common but I have found another family member with a similar problem. I will talk about in the future or in my journal that’s not yet published.
I’m staying in control and I will work things though slowly, any rampages and I will see my doctor. Other then that I am skillfully planning the next few weeks. To keep things in control.
Peace,
Night Worrier